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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas and in-laws

99 replies

autumnalgal · 19/10/2025 03:46

DP and I have been together for just over 3 years. We have a 4 week old DD together. This is his first baby, but my second. I was married for 14 years previously and have a 17 y/o DS who lives with us.

My DP’s mother was incredibly overbearing during my pregnancy and since DD has been born (see previous thread if interested in details). I have found these first 4 weeks postpartum pretty difficult because of this. I am struggling to be around her at the moment and don’t enjoy her company.

When I was with my ExH, we would always spend Christmas day with his family. We’d all have dinner there and spend the majority of the day there afterwards. I would always crave my own Christmas at home with DS and exH but never wanted to rock the boat so just went along with this for 14 years.

DP made comments after Christmas last year that we will invite his parents and brother over for Christmas dinner this year because we now have DD. In previous years, he would still have Christmas dinner with his family, sometimes I would join him at his parents because my DS would have dinner with his Dad’s side of the family still. I also sometimes had dinner with my own family.

I decided in recent months that I really don’t want to fall into this trap of spending Christmas day / eating dinner with DP family. I did this with my exH and would like to now do my own family Christmases, creating our own traditions and cooking my own dinners and not having to worry about in-laws (especially because they’re quite difficult to be around) for the first time ever!!

I told DP tonight and I can tell that he is upset. He has always spent Christmas with his own family. His response was, “well, you can break that news to them” because he knows his parents, but particularly his DM, will be devastated.

I am currently doing a night feed wondering whether IABU. DP wants his family to join us for the day. I do not want this and feel an extra sense of protection over the day due to giving it up for exH for most of my adult life.

WDYT? Thank you.

OP posts:

PullTheBricksDown · 19/10/2025 11:54

How about going out for a Christmas day meal together? That way no one has to cook, DP gets to see his family and you get to go home to your own space.

5foot5 · 19/10/2025 12:06

Catpiece · 19/10/2025 11:46

Traditional Christmases change and evolve with new additions and losses. You have to accept and adapt.

This

AnnaMagnani · 19/10/2025 12:12

Every single message they send, forward it on to your partner to deal with.

This year is your best opportunity to start as you mean to go on as you are breastfeeding a small baby.

So you will be staying at home with baby, he can invite who he likes but he'll be planning, shopping, cooking (no, his mum can't use your kitchen), washing up, entertaining and you will prob be tired and needing privacy.

5foot5 · 19/10/2025 12:18

If you do end up hosting make sure DH does all the cooking etc or buys it in from M&S.
@HeyThereDelila Unfortunately the obvious danger with leaving all the cooking to her DH is that her MIL may see this as an open invitation to go in to the kitchen to "help" and end up taking over and being in charge in OP's kitchen; a situation the OP might find intolerable. I know I would. But there would be very little pushback on this.

Much better to take the suggestion from @Meadowfinch
I'd host them for Christmas lunch, with your dp doing much of the hosting while you cook, in the kitchen and away from his mum.

This looks like the best compromise to me. The PILs can enjoy time with their DGD without being in OPs hair, DH gets to host his parents, OP can presumably find some excuse after lunch, breastfeeding maybe, to have alone time with baby.

No5ChalksRoad · 19/10/2025 12:23

autumnalgal · 19/10/2025 11:41

I told DP it would be fine for them to come over for a couple of hours later in the evening and perhaps for some leftovers. But if we have them here from lunch time, they will stay for the day. They push boundaries constantly. For example, the day I gave birth, they came to visit and stayed for 4+ hours and kept trying to get us to order a take-away. I went upstairs with DD and told DP he needed to ask them to leave. He did.
4 days later, they came back again and I told DP to let them know that we’d appreciate it if they could only visit for 2 hours as I was (am) still recovering and needed rest. They stayed for 3+ hours. MIL laughed as she commented on how they’d gone over their time limit and then FIL said, “I am not having a time limit placed on seeing my granddaughter.”

After this, and the constant bombardment of messages (I get 3-4 daily), I just don’t desire most of the day with them. I don’t feel like I can trust them if we say, “Yes come, but only for lunch.”

I feel like that’s the only compromise I have in me.

They sound very disrespectful and inconsiderate. And obnoxious. I wouldn’t have them in my house on Christmas Day. And I wouldn’t spend Christmas Day holed up in my room to avoid them.

Can you start a new tradition of having them over on Boxing Day?

Sequinsoneverythingplease · 19/10/2025 12:23

I’d do it this year so it’s not such a shock to them and so you don’t look like the “baddie” trying to spoil all their fun 🙄 but make it clear it wasn’t going to be a tradition as in “Its been really lovely but I know you’ll you understand that sometimes we will just want a quiet Christmas with the baby/children, let’s do every other Christmas shall we? Now anyone for a glass of bubbles!”

Catpiece · 19/10/2025 12:27

They sound horribly entitled to be honest. Having a new baby is a massive deal. They shouldn’t have imposed like that. It’d just make me hate them x

columnatedruinsdomino · 19/10/2025 12:27

It's lovely that DP wants his family over for Christmas Day. Hopefully not you slaving in the kitchen though, that's his job.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/10/2025 12:30

Them coming over later in the day sounds fine, and a reasonable compromise. (I wouldn’t want to see them either, but your DP does and has the same say). You need to set boundaries for sure as they sound like you give an inch, they take a mile. Give them a time to arrive and DP needs to emphasise they need to stick to it.

Mandylovescandy · 19/10/2025 12:31

We always have Christmas just us (no parents or wider family - distance and then COVID helped establish this) and we love it. It felt weird the first year but once I saw how good it was I am really keen to stick with it. Hopefully your DP will see this. This year if he wants to do all the hosting I would be tempted to let him get on with it (and maybe say that you will take baby for nap in the pram to escape on your own for a bit) with the agreement that next year it will be just the 3 of you.

newusernamex1000 · 19/10/2025 12:35

I have always had Christmas with just my (now) ex DH, it was something we decided. Mainly because both our our mums were overbearing pitas.

PastaAllaNorma · 19/10/2025 12:35

A compromise is every alternate year. Alone this year, with them next year - which will be more fun for them anyway because your youngest will be aware of Christmas next year.

"MIL & FIL, we're going to alternate from now on so we won't be joining you for Christmas this year. Would you like to come over on Christmas Eve for a takeaway?"

potato08 · 19/10/2025 12:37

You have a dh problem

Loub1987 · 19/10/2025 12:39

I totally get it OP, it xan be a bit i tense with family interest in the new born. I also don't like your DP saying you have to tell them, they are his family.

However, for you sanity this year a compromise might make things easier. Could you do a late Christmas lunch so they are there for fourish, eat and then exit by seven as its bedtime?

Also congrats on your new baby!

BIossomtoes · 19/10/2025 13:03

I also don't like your DP saying you have to tell them, they are his family.

And she’s the one who doesn’t want them. Seems fair to me.

TravellingJack · 19/10/2025 13:09

Does Christmas dinner have to be at lunchtime? Could it be more of a late afternoon meal? Do a lazy morning and a brunch/light lunch, then the big meal at say 5pm. Invite your in-laws for 4pm, eat at 5 then you take the baby up to bed about 7pm while DP clears up. They can stay to help him or clear off…

Izzywizzy85 · 19/10/2025 13:19

Following your update, YANBU. They are rude disrespectful twats. How dare he say he “won’t have a time limit” placed in his visits? If you give an inch they’ll take a mile. It’d be a no from me.

Delatron · 19/10/2025 13:23

YANBU. You will have a what 3 month old baby? And they expect you to host and cook an entire Christmas dinner? No way. Your DH should be supporting you with this.

Say you will have alternate Christmases with them. Starting next year. Does your DP have siblings?

Do not get in to a tradition of cooking dinner for them every year!! Put your foot down.

autienotnaughty · 19/10/2025 13:25

we always Xmas Eve with inwlaws, Xmas day with my family and Boxing Day with in-laws. Now DDs are adults this may change as they may start their own traditions and our preference is to be with them.
id say find a compromise Xmas day at home, Boxing Day with in-laws.? Or alternate so they come on very other year

Delatron · 19/10/2025 13:26

Our in-laws outstay their welcome and disrespect boundaries. Fortunately DP on my side with this. We give them false timings (later as they are always early) and always say we have plans after a certain time so they know they have to leave. Its exhausting though.

If you do end up doing Christmas- do a very late lunch say 4/5 and tell them not to come round before. Make your DH do the cooking.

Jellybunny56 · 19/10/2025 13:28

I’d treat this Christmas differently, you’ve got a very young baby still, so for this year I think it’s fair to just do whatever works best for you.

Going forward though, relationships are about compromise- you don’t get to dictate. Lots of families I know alternate so one year you’d have dinner with PIL & the next you don’t.

Lilyhatesjaz · 19/10/2025 13:36

When I was growing up, all our wider family would have Christmas lunch in their own houses and then come to our house for afternoon tea, they would then stay the evening but us kids could go on up to bed if necessary.
This worked out well for us as no one had to cook a big meal for a huge number.

Izzywizzy85 · 19/10/2025 14:08

Jellybunny56 · 19/10/2025 13:28

I’d treat this Christmas differently, you’ve got a very young baby still, so for this year I think it’s fair to just do whatever works best for you.

Going forward though, relationships are about compromise- you don’t get to dictate. Lots of families I know alternate so one year you’d have dinner with PIL & the next you don’t.

It’s not about dictating. Do you reckon the Ops husband goes 50/50 on all the planning, shopping, cleaning and cooking? I bet he doesn’t. If he’s willing to pick up the slack that’s different.

Starling7 · 19/10/2025 14:13

I would probably compromise and invite his family for dinner around 6pm. That way you can enjoy the day with just your family and then see his parents only in the evening. I would also make him sign an agreement stating that he will do at least half the work preparing for the festivities 😅

BettysRoasties · 19/10/2025 14:24

Since they don’t know when to leave. They can come in the evening or Boxing Day.

I do agree with the few that maybe set it to alternating.

Be that you host, you just stay home, your parents
Or you go there, you stay home, your parents.

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