To be worried about aging?

[PiriPiriMenopause]

Suddenly I’m 47! I don’t know where the last 30 years have gone.

3 DC but I never had a career. I’ve supported my husband in his job and that’s been a horrendous ride in itself. Relentless financial worry, unprecedented amounts of mental stress, very little spare money ever, plus his family are utterly vile but there’s no escape from them. Kids are almost all grown up, (we’ve not even had a holiday for 8 years!)

I have tried so many times to do things to make it better but it always goes wrong usually due to financial restraints. Can plan things months and sometimes years in advance and it never happens or it never gets there or if it does something goes wrong and ruins it for me.

Ive accepted the fact that I’m just an ugly old woman and am over the hill too old to make a go of things now, that’s not the issue. But where everyone around me seems to be enjoying life now, peaked in their successful careers, plenty of disposable income, frequent holidays, so many interesting stories and experiences of life and things they’ve been and done.

Then here I am. Achieved nothing, been nowhere, had to deal with several decades of stress. Just feeling crap about approaching 50 and having been so unbelievably boring and never found a truly happy place in life, self esteem in my boots and absolutely zero sense of achievement.

Now I look to the future and just see me turning old, redundant and a burden. No stories to tell, still worrying about money, eventual failing health and not being able to do anything about it, insecurities and just down hill until the end!

I really hate feeling like this, but the years just fly past so incredibly quickly and I feel stagnant and totally exhausted.

AIBU to feel this way?

I’d say you need to start small to get a little confidence built up. How about signing up for one hobby to begin with - it needn’t be expensive - something which you feel passionate about and you’d really enjoy. A one off sports session, volunteering, befriending etc? Once you’ve achieved one thing, set yourself a target of something else outside of your comfort zone. No one else will do it for you.

Yabu not to go to the doctor to investigate HRT - I’m your age too, and whilst I’ve felt a bit down at times about the number of years passed, what’s stopping you from making some goals and achieving them? Retirement age for us is 67 or 68, you’ve got at least twenty years of active life left unless you’re unlucky.

i’d suggest you need to change your mindset a bit, you can solve all these things, they’re bad feelings not reality.

Having feelings is never unreasonable but the question is, what are you doing to do about it?

What is it you want from this post?
To be told, yes, this is normal and just give up and fester?

Or to be told that you have 20 years left of working life and are much more master of your own destiny now than you are letting yourself be.

What is the plan for the next 20 years? What work are you interested in/qualified to do?

You presumably have no pension which is a big problem. You really need to get to work and start putting 25pc of it in a pension.

So now is the time to change your life. Getting back into training and work will lift your self esteem, boost your range of social acquaintances and ensure you are penniless in old age.

@PiriPiriMenopause you are absolutely not over-the -hill or useless. You’ve brought up three humans and the last 6 years have been an incredibly stressful time for many while juggling family life. 47 is relatively young and you have time to get some type of work . Do you have any idea of what you might like to work at ? I know it can seem very overwhelming but I would look into some FET courses that have work experience or are geared towards getting back into the workplace . You absolutely won’t be alone. There are jobs like preschool, TA jobs (in the UK these are in high demand ), I hope that’s not patronising.
At your age at least your kids are now older , I have lots of friends whose children will still be very young when they are 47. I’ve brought up 3 kids and I’m 40, I did keep a job but to say it’s been challenging would be a massive understatement. We also have no family support and absolutely no comment of any of our families, my inlaws are also shocking.
Im extremely proud of what me and my husband have achieved but it’s mainly all about raising our 3 children as that’s the most important thing in our lives .
Take a step back; 47 isn’t old but you might need a gp visit re energy levels, make a list of how you want the next 10 years to look like , what are the most important priorities etc, what might help you personally.
I don’t know if this is any help but raising 3 kids without family support is a mammoth job and you should be proud.

You say you never had a career but do you have a job? If not, that would be my first step.

I've felt a bit like you - I've always worked but no career, no progression, just standing still and raising kids! Not much spare money, all my friends have amazing holidays etc

I decided to try and figure out what brings me joy. It's no small task, I don't find joy comes easily to me. And it had to be small, cheap accessible things.
I tried: running club, gardening, joined my local community litter picking group, cooking (just at home, trying new recipes), contacting friends for walks and picnics.
I still hate running 😂 but I've met some nice people at the club. And cooking didn't interest me. But I'm still figuring out what brings me joy and how to have more of it in my life!

Good luck OP x

And get a GP appointment to discuss HRT and general blood tests (thyroid, iron etc).

Can I also suggest you don't think immediately about TA/childcare etc roles. You've done children. Time for something new. Also the pay is rubbish and you really need to start getting a decent pension in order.

For a start OP you are not old.
And I will stake my life that you are not ugly.

It sounds as though life has been tough for you and your self esteem is very low.

If your children are almost grown up then it's time you concentrated more on yourself. You don't have to make big changes all at once. Make sure you are eating well, drinking lots of water and doing exercise like walking doesn't cost anything but is really beneficial for your mental health as well as physically. As pp suggested a hobby group or leisure class to meet different people might help.

Please don't write yourself off. And be proud of yourself for battling through the problems you have had to face through life and for raising your children.

I get you OP. I have done f all over the past 10 years apart from raise children as we relocated for DH’s job and I had zero family/friend support. I had to give up my job as the kids were still in primary school.

And now I look back as I step into another decade and think no job, no friends, still no money as everything is so expensive. It’s all a treadmill and everyone else is having the fun.

Let’s support each other and see what we can do. The Mel Robbins Let Them podcast has helped and I am increasingly having less f*cks to give.

I’m impressed, good list @JohnWickAteMyHamster - cooking bores the socks off me. I keep meaning to try running…

you're not alone - I do feel a lot of us get to our mid to late 40s needing a reboot and refocus on our own goals after being submerged by other people’s goals for years.

I think you have probably described the majority of working class parents lives tbh!
All of the women I know that you described (peaked at career, plenty of disposable income, holidays) are solidly middle class and had huge amounts of help from their parents when they had young families (caveat to say this obviously doesn't apply to everyone at this stage in life, just saying before 10 posts appear about being born in a cardboard box with a postage stamp for a blanket and now living in a mansion they built with their own hands.......)
Just keep doing what you can with what you have.

Yeh cooking didn't do it for me either but worth a try 😂 I tried running because it was cheap to join the club, and you can get REALLY into it if you want, volunteering for all sorts, undress of different charity runs etc. plus my 13yr old daughter is now always telling me how good my legs look 😂

I keep saying I’m going to do a Christmas charity fun run…I always watch them every year and admire them. But urgh hate sliding into gym gear!

anything that gets us out, and out of our own heads is good.

With your children almost grown up, now is the time to focus on you. You're not old and past it. I found my 40s difficult...my 50s have been brilliant. 3 practical steps to start:

1. GP visit - get bloods done, check if you need HRT (absolute life saving for me).

1. Find a hobby...any hobby but preferably one that gets you out of the house and with other people. Walking, sport, book club, craft...whatever floats your boat.

1. If you don't work look for a job and start building independence. If you do have a job put done serious thought into how you can progress or change to something you can progress in.

Once you've started to build a life that doesn't centre round family you'll be in a better position to decide what you want the next chapter of your life to look like.

Start by getting HRT.
Start walking. I walk at least 3 miles a day listening to podcasts, it keeps me sane and fit.
Get a job! You don’t need a career just a basic job to get you out of the house, meeting people, a routine a purpose.

Honestly, you are still young! Looking back from a couple of extra decades, I would love to be 47 again! If there is one thing I would say to people your age and younger, it would be to ENJOY being young, appreciate it, because the years pass and you start suffering a multitude of aches and pains and it is not fun!

God this is like a cautionary tale.

I never had a career. I’ve supported my husband in his job and that’s been a horrendous ride in itself. Relentless financial worry, unprecedented amounts of mental stress, very little spare money ever.

Now i vaguely understand women who wind up not working because their DH works all hours but he brings home 150k so it makes sense for one partner to facilitate the other to earn such a high wage.

But why on earth would you not work to support the career of a man for "very little spare money ever"? If its been relentless financial worry it sounds like you've facilitated him basically being unsuccessful in the pursuit of money.

Try and get out and get a job- any job. TA, care work, retail. Can you access any training - IT skills, book keeping?

It not aging that the problem

it’s that you feel you are wasting your life

if you want things like holidays ho to work to earn the cash to pay for them

Have a look at Rebel Finance School and Brave Starts.

Do you mean you have never worked?

It’s never too late I’m 43 and just started a nursing degree and a single mum to a 4 year ole, your life is your destiny and go and make it happen

You need to focus on finding a job / a better job and then save up for a holiday. If you're unhappy you need to be brave and make a change.

First off , 47 is not old , and what does , your quote " an ugly old women of 47 " look like ?
It's self esteem , you need to work on that . You have a very low opinion of yourself .
As others have said , get out and get a job even if until you have some experience in a working environment start with volunteering , build up your self esteem , try a few new things to challenge yourself .
Start liking you . Life will be happier .

In 10/20/30 years' time you will look back on today and realise how young and beautiful you were.

At 48 I did a three year course of study, started working in the field and through that made new friends. After a few years I started my own business which I loved running for a decade. In my 60s and retired now and have just spent two years renovating a house on a shoe string, learning the skills I needed by doing courses and watching on line videos as I went. I taught myself to build wooden windows. I also started and run a little beer-money making business related to one of my hobbies.

Get hobbies. Get training. Make some money. Volunteer for something you care about.

Do one small thing today and make a success of it. Clear out a cupboard, plant a seed, wash some curtains, pick up the litter in your street.

Do one thing like that every day and you're on the up.

My best friend died in her early 30s. Every day I live is a gift she didn't have. Don't squander your precious days dwelling in the past.
The future is an open book.

OP, have you watched Riot Women on BBC1?

Thank you for all your replies.

i have always suffered from confidence issues. I can mask it generally, I had an awful time at school and was bullied relentlessly and I know it stems back to that time. In turn it made it very difficult for me to be able to concentrate on school subjects so I was written off by my teachers as being a bit thick/disruptive. I had to hide how bad it was from my parents because I thought they’d be really ashamed and it would be my fault, so that’s how I learnt to hide bad feelings about big stuff.

I did manage to gain a university degree eventually but that negative early experience has always trolled me throughout life and it just made me hopeless when it came to working. I had lots of different jobs, that was ok but I haven’t worked since I had my eldest 21 years ago.

In just feel pretty useless. I have hobbies to keep me sane but I’m not very good at anything and again lack of confidence always crushes everything, but I don’t like people to know how I feel so I hide it and I hide it well. Or at least I could. I’ve had a lifetime balancing feeling horrific about things internally and outwardly never ever showing it - it’s catching up now and I’m quite honestly exhausted.

I went to the GP about hormonal stuff and was just told they couldn’t offer much other than antidepressants, partly because they don’t offer hormonal blood tests and partly because I have a contraceptive coil fitted and so they said no HRT, so I haven’t bothered going back.

I’ve not seen Riot Girls!