To be worried about aging?

[PiriPiriMenopause]

Suddenly I’m 47! I don’t know where the last 30 years have gone.

3 DC but I never had a career. I’ve supported my husband in his job and that’s been a horrendous ride in itself. Relentless financial worry, unprecedented amounts of mental stress, very little spare money ever, plus his family are utterly vile but there’s no escape from them. Kids are almost all grown up, (we’ve not even had a holiday for 8 years!)

I have tried so many times to do things to make it better but it always goes wrong usually due to financial restraints. Can plan things months and sometimes years in advance and it never happens or it never gets there or if it does something goes wrong and ruins it for me.

Ive accepted the fact that I’m just an ugly old woman and am over the hill too old to make a go of things now, that’s not the issue. But where everyone around me seems to be enjoying life now, peaked in their successful careers, plenty of disposable income, frequent holidays, so many interesting stories and experiences of life and things they’ve been and done.

Then here I am. Achieved nothing, been nowhere, had to deal with several decades of stress. Just feeling crap about approaching 50 and having been so unbelievably boring and never found a truly happy place in life, self esteem in my boots and absolutely zero sense of achievement.

Now I look to the future and just see me turning old, redundant and a burden. No stories to tell, still worrying about money, eventual failing health and not being able to do anything about it, insecurities and just down hill until the end!

I really hate feeling like this, but the years just fly past so incredibly quickly and I feel stagnant and totally exhausted.

AIBU to feel this way?

Riot Women!! Sorry!

You need therapy OP and HRT. Try to learn some new skills and start work, may be retail, gain some confidence and earn some money, that will give you confidence boost.

Watch the film Shirley Valentine, and make a plan ☺️

I agree with @Goingindrain - therapy to help put those negative vibes from your school days into perspective.
It's not really about what you have or haven't done in life that matters - (and your second post reveals that you have done far more than your first post would have us think) - but more how you feel about your life and I suspect no matter what you did/do, contentment will never be achieved until you deal with those feelings. Good luck.

It's crazy to be in a position where you are struggling for money and have a perfectly capable adult staying at home earning nothing.
I know it isn't easy, but getting a job will change your life, make you feel capable and take a bit of pressure off financially. Even working a few hours a day cleaning or as a dinner lady would be a start.

I worry that I really don’t think I’d be thinking of person who would succeed with therapy! I’m inwardly quite cynical/realistic about it and what’s involved and I just don’t think it would work for me. I completely understand it works for plenty of people but I really don’t think a therapist would get very far with me, I don’t think they’d be able to get in to begin with. I’m just too good at shutting people out.

I also can’t afford it.

i may need to try and push with the GP again. I’m just worried they’ll tell me the same story though - contraception = no HRT!

The thought that there are fewer years in front of me than behind me fills me with dread. Especially as those years have flown by. This year, I decided I'd try and get fit. I'd been suffering from pain in my shoulders, neck, and knees. I bought a treadmill and some light weights. I've been using them religiously all year. The pain has all but disappeared and I feel so much better mentally.

You need to go back to the GP and ask to see a doctor with an interest in peri menopause. HRT is allowed with the coil
Contraception during menopause and perimenopause https://share.google/G07WsQO7q9OvV61VG

You also really need to make a plan to get back into paid work ASAP. You need to start contributing to a pension ASAP. Ideally you find a wonderful role you feel passionate about but start with just finding a job and getting experience and confidence back. You don't need to find the perfect career straight away but you need some money.

Is your husband a farmer? You mention his family and lack of money so I was wondering if he is farming or some other family business

Sorry but I think you just need to get a job. What have you been doing for the last 30 years to have suffered ‘decades of stress’ but you haven’t worked? So surely you’ve had at least 6 hours a day to yourself which is a massive luxury for most. What example are you setting your kids?

HRT isn't a cure-all (despite what you read on MN).
OP says she has 'always' lacked confidence and HRT can't change the roots of lifelong unhappiness.

That said, HRT may help lift OP enough that she can start to appreciate the small wins, the kids being happy, the chat in the park with a stranger when you realise you made them feel a connection today, the garden being improved, "today I can do the thing I want to do and today is all we have", etc.

Most families can’t afford to have one non working adult, no wonder you are skint.

you are 20 years away from retirement age, have a degree - the answer is clear - get a job!

It sounds like you need to get out and find a job, give yourself a purpose to get up and get out in the morning. You are only 47 which is nothing. Start looking for a job, you have hobbies but are these outside the home with other people? Maybe join an exercise class, Zumba or something to make you feel better about yourself, make some friends and start living your life.

Thank you for writing so candidly, I think if we are all honest everyone has a bucketload of wishes, regrets or plans unfulfilled.

An insightful friend always says you either have the money but not the time, or the time and not the money.

I actually look at you and feel you have had the privileged one, time.

I had to go the career option, I didn’t want to and the guilt ate me up. Someone else bought up my children whike I slogged it away miles away from my DC. The times I had off I made every second count. Never particularly had a lot of money as mortgage etc. I have stories but they’re nothing compared to the stories and memories I have with my DC.

Recently I jacked it all in and now I have the time but not the money. Yes it is tough and I’ve cried when I couldn’t afford a pair of shoes for one of the children (got off FB marketplace in the end for free). But I would never ever swap back.

Yes I’m getting old and I’m naffed off about that.
have a chat with your GP, it could well be perimenopause (another joy), there are answers.

please don’t ever feel career women have it all, no one does, often people glamorise their shortfalls in life and others wear their heart on their sleeve - you sound to fall into this group - the more real you are. Find some new decent friends of a similar age, have a glass of wine and chat, you may start to feel a little more human. Good luck.

Sounds like a job would absolutely transform your life. What are you good at? What qualifications do you have?

Maybe look at entry level civil service- less ageist than many employers and great pension. 20 years in the CSP would sort that out completely.

Far from unreasonable BUT you CAN change it now.
Get a job, bar, waitressing, book shop whatever.
Every week go somewhere be that a walk down the canal, a swim, a day at the seaside. Whatever. Have a coffee in a cafe or from a flask on a park bench. Smile, talk. Life will come to you.
i absolutely loved my fifties. Time to myself. I got back the figure I had in my twenties and also my spirit.
I got braver and braver, did things I never would have imagined. If I wrote a list I would not believe what I had done if I was not me! I said to a stranger I have never been attractive, he said bloody hell for a lady who is not attractive you sure are interesting. For me that was not a back handed but a full on compliment.
Live your life.

your post is all about money worries and how you cannot afford x/y/z yet you haven't worked a single day in over 21 years (I would understand it of you have children with complex needs, but you don't mention being a carer to a disabled child). This is all just bonkers.

Start with HRT and apply for jobs, any job really. I just accept understand how adults without illnesses and disabilities have the cheek to moan about having no money but cannot be arsed to work. Crazy! I think this is your issue.

OP, this isn't about ageing - it's about lack of confidence. If life has been difficult so far, now is the time to change that, especially as the kids are growing up. This is, finally, your time.
Try some volunteering, or take a course that interests you. There are so many opportunities out there. It will boost your skills, confidence and social circle. Tell the family to F off if they object - they don't need you running round after them.
How you look is irrelevant - it's who and how you are as a person that matters. As you age, you will feel more comfortable in your own skin, and life will massively improve.

I'm 50 so I get where you are coming from BUT you are 47!! Thats young you just feel old. Like a lot of others have said a job will help on a few fronts. You would have some income and get a much needed change of scenery. Its not easy to just walk into the perfect job so if I were you I'd start with a temp job or part time to get used to it. Like most people you will probably feel frightened / daunted and be sh1tting yourself starting but go for it. Start a new era in your life. Also hobbies, I have recently started violin lessons and of course it sounds awful and I'm not wonderful at it but I'm a beginner so I give myself a massive by ball and enjoy it. You need to get out of your negative mindset. Is there a ladies walking group you could join or something that doesn't cost much and is exercise? If you lived near me I'd be happy to go walking. Try to set yourself a few goals and be your own cheerleader. I wish you the best of luck.

Ageing is inevitable (if you are lucky) getting old is optional. Time to put yourself first for a change.

You could go through talking therapies with the NHS and do CBT perhaps. You also sound a bit depressed so that could be worth a discussion with the GP perhaps

Do you have a job OP? That's the obvious answer if not! If you do then you need to make a plan to change it. I think first thing is to retrain, I know there can be costs associated so it might take a while to save. Doing something that sounds tiring in theory can actually be energising if you enjoy it. If you don't have young kids you can do a course or study a couple of nights a week. Just think about what you want and like and what makes you happy. It might not work out perfectly but just making the change in itself will bring a sense of contentment.

I am 47 aswell and have two chronic health conditions that have left me unable to work and my partner has to look after me, he has to supervise when I'm in the shower as I have fallen a few times in the bath. He has to dry me as I can no longer reach places I used to. I can't go out alone incase something happens whilst I'm out. Now my partner has never complained about caring for me but I don't think he should have to. His answer is always who looked after him when he had a massive breakdown and who worked during COVID so we had a roof over our heads as he was let go during COVID so it was only me bringing in money as we had 3 teenage boys to feed

I just feel old and useless, as I doubt I'll ever be able to work again as I can barely walk 10 feet before my back is spasming, I have disassociative episodes and sometimes when I talk what I think I'm saying is not what is coming out my mouth or I just forget words and have to find other ways to explain thing. The list of things that go wrong in my body multiple regularly

For HRT the Nice guidelines say to treat the symptoms (no need for testing). Im assuming your Coil is a progesterone one? If so then you will just need Oestrogen patches or gel.

Take a look at the Balance Menopause website - full of amazing info, factsheets, podcasts, videos etc from both patients and professionals. Includes help with documenting your symptoms and how to talk to your GP.

Perhaps ask to see a different GP or Nurse at your practice with Menopause specific training.

I've never felt better mentally & physically, despite realising I prob have ADHD. My decades-long nighttime panic attacks have all but disappeared.

In an ideal world, what would you like to do job-wise??

47! Get a grip and get a job.

I'm similar in some respects.

Two things have helped me:

1 - Remember that comparison is the thief of joy. So be happy for others but don't think you need to do what they do.

2 - Think what you enjoy that costs little and do that. For me it is walking around the countryside or such like. It gets me fit and keeps me mellow. Perhaps you like reading library books, doing some sport, join groups... whatever just anything that gives you some joy that doesn't cost a lot.