To be worried about aging?

[PiriPiriMenopause]

Suddenly I’m 47! I don’t know where the last 30 years have gone.

3 DC but I never had a career. I’ve supported my husband in his job and that’s been a horrendous ride in itself. Relentless financial worry, unprecedented amounts of mental stress, very little spare money ever, plus his family are utterly vile but there’s no escape from them. Kids are almost all grown up, (we’ve not even had a holiday for 8 years!)

I have tried so many times to do things to make it better but it always goes wrong usually due to financial restraints. Can plan things months and sometimes years in advance and it never happens or it never gets there or if it does something goes wrong and ruins it for me.

Ive accepted the fact that I’m just an ugly old woman and am over the hill too old to make a go of things now, that’s not the issue. But where everyone around me seems to be enjoying life now, peaked in their successful careers, plenty of disposable income, frequent holidays, so many interesting stories and experiences of life and things they’ve been and done.

Then here I am. Achieved nothing, been nowhere, had to deal with several decades of stress. Just feeling crap about approaching 50 and having been so unbelievably boring and never found a truly happy place in life, self esteem in my boots and absolutely zero sense of achievement.

Now I look to the future and just see me turning old, redundant and a burden. No stories to tell, still worrying about money, eventual failing health and not being able to do anything about it, insecurities and just down hill until the end!

I really hate feeling like this, but the years just fly past so incredibly quickly and I feel stagnant and totally exhausted.

AIBU to feel this way?

This has nothing to do with aging. I'm nearly 50 and I've never felt so confident.

Your issues have been brewing for many years.

You need to get to the bottom of those and then start healing from there.

I picked YABU because I think you're being fairly obnoxious about women in their forties and fifties (of which I am one and I am as awesome as I've ever been thank you very much).

Stop being a martyr to your kids and husband and start living for yourself.

You need a job! Puts structure into your day and you’ll make new friends, have a laugh and won’t have time to be dwell on those awful school bullies.

Also means you’ll have more money to enjoy nice things.

I’m 54 and lost my parents in their early 60’s and my best friend at 50 which gives me a different perspective and gratitude for life and age.

I would suggest going to back to the GP about HRT. I don't have a coil and the idea makes me insides shrivel so have done reading on this. Apparently you can get progesterone in other forms. Maybe the coil is the cheapest option but there is no way I will be getting one.

I'd say apply to talking therapies today. You can do it online. They call you for a triage and then put you on a waiting list which will be months long anyway. It's free so what have you got to lose? I did it a year or so ago as I was having crippling health anxiety about myself and my family. The funny thing is, they decided I was more depressed than anxious and offered meds for that (still not sure I agree with that, sure I'm depressed, but I didn't feel that was causing my biggest issues and again, the anxiety meant I didn't want the meds but several people did say it would be a good idea as sometimes you cant see the wood for the trees and meds can give you a monet of clarity to get yourself in line). Anyway, much like you, I didn't think therapy would help. And to be honest, it didn't solve the problem I went in to it for! But weirdly, we did talk around lots of other stuff and it has made me be kinder to myself in other areas. I'd say posting on here kind of shows you do want to talk to strangers about your problems - and this stranger would be trained. Sometimes, a bit of validation and reframing by someone you don't know can work wonders. Incidentally, I didn't notice the effect until a few months after I finished. So yeah, nothing ventured nothing gained.

Another thought, I feel like I suffer from something called decision paralysis. This comes up with conversation ADHD all the time. I know people will say that everyone is jumping on the ADHD bandwagon at the moment and to be frank, I don't care. I'm not diagnosing myself, but reading people's stories who have a diagnosis has helped me no end and begin to understand how I might get myself out of a funk when I'm in one and am sat on my bum, feeling overwhelmed and doing nothing (which sounds a bit like you currently). I've just begun explaining to my partner why I'm finding it hard to take the next step and asking if he can do some things to help (at the moment it's mostly to keep telling me to do the thing I need to do. Or if I give him a list of things, pick one for me and keep asking me if I've done it). It just helps focus my brain as I'm forever getting side tracked, starting something else (he will now ask why I'm doing that and tell me to get back to the first job) and then feeling frustrated as I feel I've started a bunch of stuff but not accomplished anything. He doesn't seem to mind and does it so well (honestly don't know how I've managed to land such a catch! If you don't have someone who will do this for you, I believe there are online support groups where you can buddy up!) and I feel so much better. Again, I got this idea from watching ADHD social media posts.

I'm of a similar age and feel like I'm also perimenopausal so I've been reading about that although, due to the health anxiety stuff and indecision, I'm not chasing HRT for the moment.

Definitely think getting a part time job would help focus you too. I had a few years off following the birth of LO, got a part time job a couple of years ago and it definitely does me good to get out of the house. Although the job I work is definitely not a career job! And won't give me much of a pension! So I've had much the same thoughts as you about not really achieving much. But, it helps with the day to day routine and at least I can't say I'm doing nothing. I mean, I'd like to change jobs and have been trying for years (albeit not very hard) to change direction to no avail. This thing is, I worked full time in a professional role and then chose my mental health over the job and ended up here. So at least I can say, I know why I'm here. I think you can start small for the same reason (you don't have to march off in the direction of a respected career). Be kind to yourself and see it as the first step. Even if you never get beyond this first step, at least it's in the right direction!

All the best. And try and sign yourself up for therapy today!!

Find NHS talking therapies for anxiety and depression - NHS share.google/tVXooYyUc7ASvPiBY

First of all if you not on HRT speak to your GP that makes things look wayyy worse than it is and means you are less able to cope with cortisol from stress. I as a hypnotherapist cannot recommend it enough there is loads on you tube for confidence self esteem stress management positive thinking. Learn brrathwork amd mediation. Find a hobby. Think about what you would like to do amd train to do it you have another 20 years minimum working life left.. Im 47 now and retrained at 32 but my best work is now with more life experience anyway. The grass always looks greener on the other side too!! Start with self care things for you. A tea in your fave mug a warm blanket a good book a daily walk and build up. I love listening to the untethered soul audio book when life gets rough. Hang in there its not over...even if the good boob days are behind us

There are lots of different therapy's for example hypnotherapy doesn't require much opening up as its solution focused. Cbt may also be helpful.
Hrt you need the progesterone coil and add in maybe a gel. At 45 with peri symptoms NICE guidelines are they should prescribe more or less no questions asked no blood rest required unless medical concerns fam history ect. If you want to find accesstherapy with Vic Westwood on fb to explain how it works how the brain works what therapy options might suit n stuff no cost so you can see what might be good fit for you

I agree with this. You need a wake up call. You still have your physical health but you sound depressed so first stop is the GP to look at this and possibly HRT.
Next thing is to get a job, any job. There always seems to be lots of jobs for cleaners/ carers and you need to feel the buzz of earning your own money- some of which you must spend on yourself! Plan a holiday- start enjoying life as the only part of your post I absolutely agree with is how time flies by.Start living your life!

Your state retirement age will be 67 or 68

When do you hope to retire ?

You need to check this

www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

Part time check out at waitrose? Lots of lovely happy middle age ladies at my local one. You’d get cash and friendly people to chat to and confidence boost and still time to figure the rest out.

I think you could maybe do more than this.

Don’t volunteer either. Focus on what you love and work towards it. Earning money.

Whoever told you that you can't get HRT with a contraceptive coil is talking bollocks! I have a mirena fitted. In fact when I went in to discuss menopause options with the APN at my gp surgery, she advised that I get my aging coil replaced as part of the treatment.
Is there a menopause specialist at your surgery? When I first went, I saw a gp, she was lovely but told me that she didn't know enough and that the APN was their menopause specialist. I've been on HRT for over a year now and, although we've tweaked things a few times it's definitely helped especially mentally.
Wishing you luck

A good place to start is by doing a daily moment of gratitude. Just ask yourself, daily, first thing in the morning, or midday or before bed (or anytime!) "what am I grateful for right now?" It can be something big: your 3 kids. or something tiny: the little bird or the beauty of a little flower you see. It can be something spiritual (the sunbeams through the clouds) or something mundane (this is a great sandwich). You can write it down or make a mental note but do it daily. A daily practice will bring peace and solace to your troubled heart, will bring perspective to your mind and you will not relay on comparisons that hurt you and eventually, the mental shift towards being grateful, will take the space of all that is troubling you now and may even bring insight for what lays ahead.

One final note, practice how to talk kindly to yourself as you would treat a good friend...you would never talk to your friend with that kind of language you are using to talk yourself down.

The magic word here is PRACTICE, daily practice....and if you need help, like Mr Rogers would say, find the helpers.

PS I am 55

It sounds like you're having a bit of a mid life crisis.

A trick I learned at an old job:

Make a list of the things you need to accomplish that would allow you to feel like you've accomplished your life's goals when your time comes (for example, mine was to have at least two children).

Make another list breaking that down into steps that you need to accomplish each week in order to ultimately meet that goal (you have three kids so I will not give you examples of what was on my list).

Then, get to work. Even if you have lots of not-so-nice things going on around you, you can still find satisfaction in what you're accomplishing each week towards your ultimate goal, because every time you meet those weekly goals, you will be a success, you will be accomplishing something.

Over time, you can add more less important goals if and when they come up, like if you're feeling old then set a goal to do one thing a week that makes you feel a little hotter, like to walk a kilometer extra once a week to get a little fitter, enroll in a yoga class to get a little bendier, watch a make up tutorial to find a way to do your make up in a way that makes you feel a little bit hotter.

Just do these little things each week and keep the lists, check them off as you go, so you can see just how much you're accomplishing.

You've still got a lot of years ahead of you and a lot of life to enjoy, so start enjoying it. :)

I’m mid 40s and definitely not old OP, feel better than I ever have. It’s a mindset. You need to make some big changes but start with small ones