To be worried about aging?

[PiriPiriMenopause]

Suddenly I’m 47! I don’t know where the last 30 years have gone.

3 DC but I never had a career. I’ve supported my husband in his job and that’s been a horrendous ride in itself. Relentless financial worry, unprecedented amounts of mental stress, very little spare money ever, plus his family are utterly vile but there’s no escape from them. Kids are almost all grown up, (we’ve not even had a holiday for 8 years!)

I have tried so many times to do things to make it better but it always goes wrong usually due to financial restraints. Can plan things months and sometimes years in advance and it never happens or it never gets there or if it does something goes wrong and ruins it for me.

Ive accepted the fact that I’m just an ugly old woman and am over the hill too old to make a go of things now, that’s not the issue. But where everyone around me seems to be enjoying life now, peaked in their successful careers, plenty of disposable income, frequent holidays, so many interesting stories and experiences of life and things they’ve been and done.

Then here I am. Achieved nothing, been nowhere, had to deal with several decades of stress. Just feeling crap about approaching 50 and having been so unbelievably boring and never found a truly happy place in life, self esteem in my boots and absolutely zero sense of achievement.

Now I look to the future and just see me turning old, redundant and a burden. No stories to tell, still worrying about money, eventual failing health and not being able to do anything about it, insecurities and just down hill until the end!

I really hate feeling like this, but the years just fly past so incredibly quickly and I feel stagnant and totally exhausted.

AIBU to feel this way?

You’ve raised 3 kids. Thats not nothing! Yeah you’ve put yourself last for years and are now probably realising the sacrifices you’ve made for other people. I hate to stereotype but you’re now perimenopausal and these feelings are common even in women who have careers. In fact some women are in the opposite situation to you. They sacrificed a family to have a good career. But I’d definitely download the balance app to see if you’re having any other meno symptoms and ask for HRT if you are. It’s really common to reflect at mid life. And grieve for the lives we haven’t had or can’t have and throw in some empty next and some relationship issues and that makes it harder. So go to the GP ask for HRT and someone to talk to? Then if you’re struggling to get full time work, think about perhaps volunteering somewhere to get some work experience & confidence, expand your social connections whilst doing something positive. It also fills your time and makes you realise that some folk do have harder times than we do & helping them can help you!

good luck & best wishes. I’m willing to put money on it that some HRT & lifestyle changes will make a difference within weeks!

My husband was cynical about therapy until the point when buried childhood trauma finally brought him to his knees. He had spent a lifetime putting on a mask, feeling he could deal with it within himself and was a master at shutting people out.

He had individual and group therapy over the period of a few months and it transformed his life. It did three things for him and I am sure they would benefit you.

Firstly, it gave him a chance to talk about what had happened in a perfectly safe, unjudgemental environment.

I showed him he was not alone, that other people had suffered as children and held the restricting/debilitating pain with them for decades.

Thirdly, and most importantly, it enabled him to learn how to really forgive those who'd made him suffer when he was too young and vulnerable to protect himself. He was finally able to move on.

His only regret now is that he didn't have therapy earlier. He could have been free earlier and might not have had the breakdown that ultimately burst out of him.

Really think about this OP. You are not so unique that therapy can't help you. Find the money to do it because it could release you to make the most of the next few decades. It could be the best money you ever spend. If you don't change things you will be on here in a decade telling us the same story.

If there is really no way of affording therapy then there are many, many helpful books you can get from the library. In addition to therapy my DH read every book he could get his hands on and it helped him enormously.

I would say that this is life. Life is difficult, we never achieve even a fraction of our dreams and life has no intrinsic meaning. Accepting this can be a good springboard going forward.

The mirena can be used as part of the hrt regime in that you don’t need progesterone - just oestrogen. I used the mirena with oestrogel. You need to see another GP who knows more about menopause.

For God's sake woman, pull yourself together!

(1) Comparison is the thief of joy.
(2) Make a list of all the good things in life (even if it is just drinking Prosecco in the bathroom).
(3) Treat yourself. Make a point, to spend X amount once a month on something that will make you happy.
(4) Go out for a nice long walk and feel gratitude that you are alive and there so so many things you can do and see that cost nothing.
(5) Start smiling at strangers, a smile is an expression of love & compassion, and you'll be surprised at the number of people who smile back.
(6) Did I mention, Prosecco?

What is your degree in ? did you enjoy the subject you studied ? Were the jobs you did previously related to it ?
I appreciate what you say about therapy, quite a lot is CBT related if through the NHS , but this in itself can be useful if you can use it as a tool to help you deal with the way your feelings get in the way, even if you are good at masking to the outside world, so wouldn't dispel the idea entirely.
You absolutely can have HRT if you have a mirena coil , it provides the progesterone element and then you have oestrogen in another way. Ask if there is a GP who specialises in womens health at your practice and book an appointment to see them.

Hey I’m 44 so I hear you, but we’re not old yet! I’m thinking about changing career, and you could still do something. Do you have anything for yourself, like a hobby or club? If not, you could think about what you really enjoy. I could go on, but hopefully something to start with. We’re not old! 😀

Why do you think it wouldn’t work? Or is it that you don’t want it to work because you would have to face feelings you’d rather avoid?

Isn’t it time to address now this shutting people out, shutting down and endless self-sabotaging cycles?

I really think you need to look for a job, you can’t afford to stay home and your life And that if your family would improve so much with extra money, your children are older you don’t need to be at home, look for a part time job to get you started and do a part time course to improve your prospects at the same time. I’m 49 and just started a three year course because it will help me have a better job over the next 20 years and it’s engaging my brain again. Some sectors are crying out for staff either pick something you are interested in or choose something that will be secure/easy to find work in but in the meantime get a job

I started a new career at 45. A friend of mine changed career in her 50s.

If your DH died or walked out, you’d be forced to get a job to support yourself. There’s no reason why you can’t do it with that impetus.

Good advice.

And for people who are afraid to enter the workplace directly, voluntary work is a very good place to start.

@PiriPiriMenopause it's your life and you are in control of it.

47 isn't old! I did my teacher training with someone who was 52 at the time. They then taught for 10 years and retired!

Decide what career you want to do and just do it. Get yourself a hobby.

My gran started learning French at 55 then insisted my grandad take her to France every year so she could practice.

My mum took up Zumba at 60!

For your energy levels, are you taking magnesium? I'm peri menopausal and magnesium has been great.

You need shaking! Life is for living, so stop feeling redundant, decide what you are going to achieve, and DO IT!

Nobody in life has achieved nothing- you just have a list you need to let go of. Firstly you’re going so hard on yourself- imagine if you read that op from someone else- what would you say? Also if you ask your kids they definitely won’t think you’ve achieved nothing- you’ve created a home x

At 47 you still have 20 years of working life left. You could effectively begin a new career.

I am 58 +1/2 and I am heading for retirement and only have 8 and a half years left of working life. I enjoy work (I have 2 jobs) and want the last 8 years to be as interesting as possible (I'm accustomed to poverty as I've spend a career working in the Arts) so with the flexible job, I temp and get sent to lots of interesting places with interesting people and on the whole I enjoy it, even the shit assignments. I'll admit that I'm a bit Pollyanna-ish, but I don't see that as a bad thing.

Maybe start by getting a part-time job in something you enjoy or an industry you are interested in?

Life is a gift. Don't waste it. There will come a time when you will no longer be able to work and that will limit your interaction with other people.

Likewise, be curious, go out more, travel, even if it is locally, explore things. Meet people. Have a laugh. Think up adventures and interesting things to do and see. Start saying yes to things and your confidence will grow.

At 47, you probably have another 35 years left and then it will be all pulled out from underneath you. Don't you owe it to yourself to enjoy those last 35 years? Look forward not back. Only compare yourself to yourself in previous years. Be optimistic. Try to have fun!

You raised 3 DC and have no stories to tell and zero sense of achievement? Unless they were severely neglected and you tucked up their lives there should be stories and achievements.
There was someone aged 50 on my uni course, she completed it and went on to work in a professional role. 47 is nowhere near the end of the road.
Pull yourself together, stop the negative talk and go and do something with your life. Just a minimum wage job could be life changing for you, more money and opening up more social connections.

I did a degree and MA at 48 and started working for Civil Service at 52. Before that I worked in NMW jobs and was a single parent.
You can turn this round - start by thinking about what you want to do, then plan how you are going to get there. It won’t happen overnight but you can do this. As for the aging - I just try to take care of myself the best I can and try to ignore societal pressure as a woman.

Oh sweetheart, a lot of women have been there, I think menopause is not helping you here. maybe get some vitamins, B12, C & D really can help
join a women’s group, book club, Zumba class, anything really that is yours, makes a difference, it really does.

Don’t worry about “not having any stories to tell.” No one wants to hear them anyway. I certainly don’t. There is nothing more boring than people’s anecdotes (aka boasting) about where they have been and what they have done. Time and again I meet someone new and they just talk at me about their life. It’s as if everyone has this carefully prepared autobiography that they think the rest of us want to hear. Truth is no one is interested in your life (unless you were in the SAS or went out with David Bowie). I think social media is turning everyone into a self-obsessed, self-promoting monster. Don’t drone on at me about your gap year in New Zealand or the time you spent working in New York. I don’t care. Let’s talk about poetry and films and art and philosophy and science and music instead.

Also, ageing is not what it used to be. With advances in medicine we may soon have ways to slow and even reverse ageing. Some now predict lifespans of 120-130. 50 will soon be the new 30. This isn’t sci fi nonsense. The first generation of anti-ageing drugs will probably be on the market by 2030.

47 is young. Where did you get the idea that it’s old?

In the U.K., there are loads of FE college where you can retrain and develop a career.

First of all, 47 is not in anyway old these days. There are 50 year olds (some of whom are my friends) doing the primary school run. You still have 20 years until you would be able to claim a state pension. You can absolutely start from scratch now.

Im not going to ask your reasons for not working but your post is one of the main reasons (other than the obvious one of money) that I did go back to work after being a SAHM for the younger years (which I loved). As soon as my youngest was at the end of pre-school, I went back for school hours. No help, no village, juggling holiday clubs in the hols when we cant take time off (family are amazing but dont live close enough for every day help so its just me and DH) but it is doable. I really believe the longer we stay off, the more we convince ourselves we can’t do it and doubt our own abilities, but you definitely can.

Its so important to keep a sense of identity because those of us with older kids will know how fast the years race through. It doesn’t have to be the most amazing career ever (im not particularly career motivated) but I do a job I enjoy, interact with all types of people all day at work and have lovely colleagues.

I’d start with finding a small job you enjoy or if money is not desperately needed at this point, a training course you are interested in. A small part time role where there is no pressure, not too much stress and something that you will enjoy doing. I had the most understanding Manager when I went back after being at home and I was upfront and honest that i’d had some years off raising the kids and I might be abit rusty! Be honest with them, explain your just getting back in the workplace, building up your confidence again and I think they will appreciate the honesty.

I can’t read all the posts but I read a post above about doing one small thing a day and totally agree with everything in that post. Build up slowly and believe in yourself. You’ve raised 3 kids and supported your DH, you absolutely can do something for yourself and use the skills from parenting/running a home in the workplace.

Love everything in this post!

Every single day is a gift. I couldn’t always see that when I was younger, now I appreciate every single day. Even when its hammering it down outside, perfect cosy day to stay in pjs, nice dinner, get some jobs done (which would be hard to do if the weather was nice) and definately enjoy a Sunday prosecco!

Oscar Wilde said there are two tragedies in life, one is to fail to get what you want, the other is to get it. We all make the mistake of equating success with happiness. We think that if we could get a novel published, or set up a million pound business, or whatever, we’ll be happy. In reality, that often doesn’t happen. People achieve success, and for a while they’re flying, but that wears off and you have suddenly find your life isn’t better, just different.

My mam didn't work until about 14 years ago and she's just hit retirement age this year and still working her wages pay for her little luxurys and holidays , she's a domestic in a nursing home maybe look at something like that to earn your own money ?

From the way you write, I bet that you’re funny, intelligent and good company. It’s a shame that you haven’t had the chance to do the stuff you’d like to, but you can’t do anything about that now. What you can do is a lot of planning and scheming for what you want the rest of your life to be like, and maybe your post is the first step in that. But you need to put all this “I’m an ugly old woman” self-deprecating crap in the bin where it belongs because you’ll never be able to move forward if you’re constantly dragging yourself backwards, and then it really will be too late. Good luck!

Your GP clearly doesn’t know a thing about peri menopause. Or the NICE guidelines. Bloods aren’t necessary above 45. They can prescribe based on symptoms alone.
You can be prescribed oestrogen gel. The mirena can be used as the progesterone element however. The menopause support network have a brilliant symptom checklist. Have a look and see if you tick lots.

I’m 47 on HRT and I’ve joined the police. I begun volunteering as a special and discovered I loved it. Complete career change! Don’t write yourself off yet x