To feel a bit weird about the casual use of spoon theory

[smalldogdancing]

I work in further education and share a class with someone. She has started to start and end sessions asking people how many spoons they have.

I have an invisible disability and spoon theory is a way to communicate the challenges of that to those who do not. Hearing it used in this way has left me
feeling a bit strange. I suspect I’m being a bit precious about it though, too sensitive.

Not planning to say anything, I really like her and she’s good at her job. I’m just surprised by how much it’s unsettled me. I’ve found being chronically ill very lonley in part because it’s so difficult to explain. Just curious to hear what folk think.

Of course you don’t escape other problems but there are a lot of disabled people who have better lives than a lot of non disabled people.

I do feel that people with conditions like fibromyalgia and ME feel like they have the monopoly on "fatigue". And they seem to talk about it and post about it a lot, and this "turn off" people with fatigue for any other reasons. I always see it argued on here from those particular groups "but you can't possibly have proper fatigue. My fatigue is unique and specialised (insert lots of superfluous descriptors" which makes a mockery of the very point that nobody validates their fatigue whilst constantly invalidating and mocking other people's very real fatigue caused by life or other conditions.

I think spoon theory is a good thing for everyone. It's a good way for people to realise they have limited energy to spend and pace themselves rather than running themselves ragged fitting it all in. We should strive for balance, which can be hard in this day and age, so spoon theory helps people achieve that and not feel guilty about it. I don't think it should be limited to one group.

The spoon analogy works really well for my kids. They’re autistic, so can get overwhelmed easily, but often don’t have the language for it. Thinking about spoons is a neutral, non-judgmental way to check in with themselves. It also helps us pace our visits into town, to reduce the likelihood of meltdowns.

My daughter has an official disability/condition and taught me spoon theory. She has no children, gets a cleaner funded, meal delivery funded, among other things. This does make her life a lot easier.

It's a genetic condition and she got it from me. I've had to manage it all my life without a diagnosis, struggled with it, dealt with the exhaustion. Never been free to acknowledge it and adapt to it. I have children, I do my own cleaning, make my own meals, and more besides.

Officially I don't have a disability (I think of it more as limitations which are sometimes more or less rather than disability), but I feel I can relate to spoon theory and don't think anyone should tell me I can't use it. (I actually don't, I get on with it). I believe everyone knows their own bodies, there are plenty of people with health issues that fly under the radar of being diagnosed too, so spoon theory should be used by whoever finds it helpful. It might also help people understand the concept that some people have more or less spoons to start their day and help disabled people with more understanding too.

They don't but Christine Miseeandino will own the copyright to it as she wrote it as a way to explain how everyday tasks take longer and use more energy for her as a person with a chronic illness.

It is a way of explaining energy levels and can be adapted to any group.

I understand it but don't use it as my friends and family don't get it. Fatigue from chronic illness affects everyone differently but the best description I found was imagine living with permanent jet lag .

It has obviously hit a nerve with you OP, I wonder why. Maybe because you find working life extremely hard compared to your colleague? Because you feel misunderstood most of the time?

You can't copyright an idea or a concept. You can copyright the expression of an idea - the actual text - but you can't own a thought. Anyone can say, "how many spoons do you have?" without paying royalties.

The reality is that people don’t really care that much about what it is like to be disabled or mentally ill or an insomniac or someone with cancer or someone with other conditions because they are preoccupied with their own lives and their own problems. Once you accept that, I think it makes things easier.

I have several friends who use “spoons” theory. I inwardly roll my eyes and hope the conversation moves on quickly whenever they refer to it. I do hope it doesn’t become mainstream. It feels very twee and attention seeking to me.

Additionally I think increased social media trumpeting of self diagnosed “struggles” from attention seeking types means people are generally more impatient and less sympathetic than they used to be to genuine cases, which is sad but understandable.

It’s only cringe if it’s used by people who don’t have hidden disabilities. I.e. people just saying “oh I don’t have enough spoons today”.

Used in the proper way, in disability training for example, it’s pretty useful. I’ve seen it used in training and helped me to visualise what someone with a hidden disability is facing.

I can see people using it inappropriately though and why that makes the OP feel weird.

You have no idea who is using it 'inappropriately' given that hidden disabilities are hidden.

Sadly, yes. I keep my difficulties to myself because no one cares, they are too wrapped up in their own problems.

Employers and organisations need to bring the focus back to material difficulties and not try and deal with subjective ones. Discrimination, health and safety should be the priorities.

What do you mean? Are we are foisting this twee metaphor on disabled people? Can't they be afforded the dignity of using common English to explain how they feel without being asked to play this spoony game?

Op, I dont think its about the spoon theory at all. You mentioned how tired you are from your disability, I'd imagine at times when you are feeling low and your condition isn't publicised as you said, it can feel quite dismissive when this phrase is thrown around.

Your job should be acknowledging your condition as you said and I'm sorry you haven't had a good week, I hope you can rest this weekend and next week is better for you

What size spoon is the standard unit?

A serving spoon is considerably larger than a mustard spoon.

It’s a recognised exercise used in training sometimes. How is that being foisted on people? Nobody has to take part, they can leave of their own free will.

What is annoying is when people who don’t have hidden disabilities take it outside the training and use it as a way of saying they’re tired.

The spoon thing is just a very simple metaphor for talking about finite levels of energy. Of course it is going to be used 'casually' - in itself it is a completely minor aid to communication.
Calling it spoon 'theory' and inflating it into an important part of self-understanding doesn't seem very healthy. And it doesn't seem healthy or fair to object to the way in which the other teacher in the OP was using it.
For one thing, 'invisible disability' is such a broad concept that, one way or another, there are bound to be a few kids in every class who come under it. For another, why on earth should those with invisible disabilities feel they have a special claim on exhaustion? Others may have their finite energy levels challenged by excessive demands on them - supporting an alcoholic parent, looking after a disabled sibling, meeting parental demands for straight A grades, etc etc.

Is this 'spoon theory' stuff yet another example of how groups in internet spaces can accidentally build a mindset where whatever challenging personal characteristic brings them together becomes a kind of identity that has to be endlessly validated? And those with the identity take offence when the particular touchstones of validation they have developed aren't performed by the world around them?

I'm asking if are you applying this metaphor in your practice of interacting with people with disabilities? Are you asking them to describe to you their challenges within this twee narrative?

It's a difficult one having it used in a work environment. It's going on in one of mine too, and I just refuse to play at this point. Someone's already suggested I might have anti social personality disorder, as a result.😂
I've found ways of getting around the spoons and where are you feeling questions, because frankly as they're going to do nothing about what I face daily, then it's not their business!

I'm visibly physically disabled and it's obvious to those around me that I'm struggling physically, in pain and exhausted day in and day out, having to work longer hours for the same money, to manage, but it's important for my continued employment for me to say all is good when it clearly isn't, because there's no interest in making things more accessible, or the work less energy sapping, and I need the work.

I also have a hidden disability (Chrons) but have learnt that it's considered greedy for the visibly disabled to also have hidden disability. 🙄
In a work environment, the whole thing is a feels charade. (which is not to say that a lot of people with hidden disabilities aren't having a rotten time)

A lot of this seems to be based around what things look like and all our assumptions that if someone looks ok then all is good, and if someone is visibly disabled then they are already getting help and sympathy, whereas those with hidden disabilities aren't. The reality is it isn't a competition but we're being forced to compete either upwards, or downwards.

Then comes the whataboutary, and before you know it everyone in the room is being disabled by life and it's circumstances, (again, many are) so now we've established everyone's equally affected, we need to do nothing about access needs for those with visible or hidden disabilities!
Yay! We're back where we started.

The only spoons I'm prepared to talk about at work, is where's the one to stir my much needed coffee.

Throws cutlery drawer onto the bonfire and heads off to work knowing at least one person will tell me how lucky I am to be visibly disabled during wankery check in.

(edited to add missing 'visably' in last line)

Can't even spell 'visibly,' let alone count up metaphorical spoons!

That's valid. I'm sorry about your limitations. That's tough

From a systemic baseline, it's easier to be healthy. Of course there are individuals who have a tougher time of it - I'm not doubting that - but overall health is the greatest gift.

Chronic illness + ADHD = I wonder how big the spoons are? Would they stack well in the dishwasher? Are they stainless steel or silver? I like those novelty spoons you get at tourist places. I wonder if Mary Poppins realised she was promoting heroine use?