To feel a bit weird about the casual use of spoon theory

[smalldogdancing]

I work in further education and share a class with someone. She has started to start and end sessions asking people how many spoons they have.

I have an invisible disability and spoon theory is a way to communicate the challenges of that to those who do not. Hearing it used in this way has left me
feeling a bit strange. I suspect I’m being a bit precious about it though, too sensitive.

Not planning to say anything, I really like her and she’s good at her job. I’m just surprised by how much it’s unsettled me. I’ve found being chronically ill very lonley in part because it’s so difficult to explain. Just curious to hear what folk think.

I think it's cringe, so wouldn't use it, but as someone with an invisible disability I do actually understand the OP's point. Its origins relate to chronic illness and a lot of people who are ill/disabled do use it. With a lot of illnesses/disabilities, there's a certain amount of exhaustion/fatigue that is utterly incomprehensible and - well - chronic. I mean this respectfully, but you can't really comprehend that if you're healthy and it's a bit disrespectful, perhaps, to commandeer a term? Just a thought.

You don't just be disabled and then escape other problems. You have all the additional stuff life throws at you... and a disability. And often it's harder (rates of employment are lower/you're less likely to get promoted/men are much more likely to leave relationships with a sick partner/disabilities cost more/mental health problems are more likely).

I didn’t know disabled people owned the rights to the spoon theory.

🙄there’s always one

It can be the case that a disabled person has far fewer problems in their life than a non disabled person.

My daughter is disabled. She lives in a very stable, emotionally and financially secure home. We can buy her what she needs to help her feel less disabled by her environment and she is academically very bright. Her school has quite a number of kids from very deprived backgrounds. Quite a few of her peers are young carers or are “looked after” children. They struggle with being able to attend school, do homework, keep up socially with their friends. By every metric, my daughter has a brighter future ahead of her than those children, even with the abelism and discrimination she faces. Her disabled spoons are way more manageable than her peers’ spoons.

To me, assuming that a disabled person individually is automatically more disadvantaged than a non disabled person absent of any other issue, doesn’t sit comfortably.

There’s usually way more than one. Usually it’s better to actually articulate your thoughts than throwing rocks.

Agree with @BarbarasRhabarberba it's twee, reductive and me-centric (sp?).
It's dismissive and saying 'nobody else is allowed to have hard times or struggle, just me).

Of course, that sounds really tough for them and you might well be right in his instance. Being a young carer must be very hard. But I still maintain, across the board - not just looking at individuals, being disabled is a disadvantage. I'm not being cruel saying that, I am disabled. I would love to be healthy. It's a hell of a lot easier. That's why many disabilities are treated as protected characteristics.

But why spoons? Isn’t it more obvious to ask people how full their tank is? What’s depleted it today? What’s topped it up? What could they do to fill it up a bit more? A walk in the fresh air? Phone a friend you haven’t spoken to for while? Read a book? Meditate? Surely that’s where you want the conversation to go?

How do you know who the other people in said class/group are who are masking, who struggle. As you say it’s invisible. No one has a monopoly on language.

This. Especially with the I would love to be healthy. It's a hell of a lot easier.
What's easier? Someone could be 'healthy' but homeless, healthy but have to work 3 jobs to survive.

Really it’s not

Yes! I went on training (for spoons) as a disabled person. It was awful, fucking spoons.

I get what you mean. Obviously the conversation has opened up more over recent years about chronic illness etc but for a long time referring to spoons was really just the domain of someone with an energy limiting illness and there wa little else, I never loved it to be honest but for some reason it does feel a bit jarring to hear it when fit and well people refer to themselves eg as being low on spoons when what they mean is they've had a busy work and social life that week not that they are feeling essentially really unwell.

I thought it has roots in 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock', TS Eliot.

You'd be stuck at the gym for a good long while if you'd run out of spoons using the original analogy 😂

It’s so bizarre has this has been latched onto. There’s no such thing as ‘spoon theory’ it’s literally just a metaphor for energy. You are being ridiculous, no-one has a monopoly over how their energy is described

I don't really understand her question - how could anyone respond to it other than with a half-jokey 'not many!' or 'this cutlery drawer is empty!' or similar? It's not like there is a factual answer - you can't meaningfully say 'four'. What was she hoping to get out of asking?

Someone with SLE was in a restaurant trying to explain to a friend how difficult it can be to manage chronic illness and fatigue. She grabbed all the spoons to use as a visual aid. A couple of decades ago it was used a fair bit by people in the same boat but it's spread a lot further.

This. Had a friend who got ‘diagnosed’ with something. Literally made a social media profile about spoons and talked exclusively in that language. Got divorced, got over her depression (miraculously recovered) and never spoke of Spoons again. Its a stupid analogy

I had 622 on Wednesday but by Thursday was down to 419

I get it, too, OP.

I'm struggling to see the advantages of this theory and why kids are discussing spoons this way. Sounds like they are heading for the crack den and need to evaluate who can bring the most spoons.

I've heard of it and am aware of it.

Unfortunately I think it can rub people up the wrong way. I'll be really blunt. It comes across like this :

Example from person with say fibromyalgia: "I've only got 3 spoons left. Read about my spoons. I'm so tired and fatigued. You don't understand. I've only got out of bed and driven to work. You need to make allowances for me. You need to understand. Read about my spoons and accomodate me"

(Person who's got 3 kids, works full time, secretly suffering with depression, got Ill parents, worried about finances, doesn't feel like getting out of bed in the morning, tells nobody of their struggles and keeps it all inside and paints on the smile whilst aching to go to bed for 12,hours ) Thinks: "you want me to be barraged and bollocked for not understanding how your spoons are depleted !"

Sorry for bluntness (none of the people in those examples are me !) but giving an honest answer on how I think these theories can come across in practice.

This is why its so wanky. Its a really poor analogy. Its not a 'theory'. It simply an analogy up its own arse. And a senseless one at that as people have pointed out

Also disabled people do not have the monopoly on descriptors of any sort as someone said above.