The ‘mental load’

[Cachall]

Does anyone else cringe when they read this term on here?

What about single people with kids?

Dear god, it’s not rocket science. If the kids have dental appointments you just stick it in the calendar. You don’t have to “keep track” of it, your phone does it all for you. You don’t even have to remember to look at a calendar, because reminders exist.
It has never been easier to be a grown up, organise daily lives and remember to do things because technology does it all for us and yet people still whine about it.
(Maybe that’s the issue. People are losing the skill, in the same way that many people can no longer get anywhere without satnav.)

@thisishowloween

I’d also say that a lot of the things people include in their "mental load" are genuinely things that have never crossed my mind. I do think some people (not all, but some) like to make work for themselves because it justifies them being a SAHP, or working part-time etc.

You dont know have mental load is do you?

I have worked full time without ceasing for over 30 years. I don’t have the luxury of being a SAHM or going part time. I have been married and single and cohabitated.

Mental load overwhelmingly affects full time working mothers, not SAHMs.

How dare women name the work they do in relationships / households eh - how cringe is that 😂

Well, according to the constant stream of threads on here about it, it certainly doesn't only affect full-time working mothers.

@TwinklyStork

Dear god, it’s not rocket science. If the kids have dental appointments you just stick it in the calendar. You don’t have to “keep track” of it, your phone does it all for you. You don’t even have to remember to look at a calendar, because reminders exist.

No its not rocket science… no one has suggested it is.

But why should it exclusively be the job of one person to* manage *this and not the other?

One little job is easy. A thousand little jobs take a thousand times longer. Making one cup of tea is not onerous. If you have to make all the cups of tea all the time it will get to be a burden. Its basic compounding.

I dont understand why this is so hard to understand.

Not me. It's something that generally falls to women a lot more than men, especially when there's children. So it's good to have a term for it.

No. It helped me to make sense of my life. For many years, I was the advocate/carer for my parents and my husband. The 'mental load' concept helped explain why I felt so drained.

Yep - I think back to all the grunt work my parents had to do when I was younger to keep the house running, and am eternally grateful that most of it is now done for me by an app of some kind.

But why should it exclusively be the job of one* person to* manage this and not the other?

It shouldn't - and if that's the case in your marriage, then you have a husband problem, not a "mental load" problem.

I'll add that I was working full-time for most of that time. For much of the time, I had to manage it all with broken sleep.

you think that people who talk about the mental load have never experienced being single or a single parent? Youre all just fckn delighted about having to do it all? No single parent ever moans, and if they did get into a relationship, they definitely wouldnt expect a partner to do any of it because doing it all is just being an adult??

Get real

of course its a husband problem. The mental load is a word for a specific type of husband problem.

Jeez. So much stupid on here today.

Well, aren't you delightful.

No.
Disabled single parent who is also a carer to a disabled teen, parent to another teen under investigation for disabilities, and an elderly mother.

my 'mental load' is a bit more complex than some others out here.

I’m with you op. All of the things usually listed under ‘the mental load’ are part of day to day living and usually due to having people around you that don’t pull their weight (or as a single parent). Organising a party, arranging a boiler check, buying tickets for the school nativity and paying bills are just that.

I can’t decide which I hate more ‘mental load’ or ‘food noise’

You're not explaining the obvious, you're just being unpleasant for no reason.

IMO it doesn't do women any favours to refer to the "mental load". If you're married to a useless specimen who can't book dentist appointments or remember to empty the bins, then address that.

Exactly.

Dismissing the impact of having a useless partner by talking about the "mental load" isn't helping anyone.

you obviously have a very easy life. Try my mental loads for 2 DC with very complex care needs/disabilities, in special school settings with endless meetings, hospital and therapy appointments, tons of paperwork to complete. when one for is finished, there is already something else waiting. Having to take the LA to tribunal over failure to finalise my youngest EHCP and leaving them for almost a year without education. All whilst having to work 5 days a week and having no support network.

I don’t have a husband?

I’m capable of observing population wide trends without having to comment on my specific situation.

I think its disingenuous to breezily say its a husband problem, or its easy because weve got apps to help remind us of stuff....

It is often a husband problem but its also a bigger issue. People on these threads like to mock/sneer when people talk about buying/wrapping a birthday present, write a birthday card etc....but who's going to feel awkward or shit when they turn up to a party empty handed (your child) and who are other people going to judge when the same kid turns up without a pringle tube for craft/without a costume for world book day/without a pack lunch on school trip day (clue - its generally not dad)
More than one poster has mentioned that school/gps etc call mum as the default parent even if dads number is provided as primary carer.
When my DC was at primary school there was one dad on the class whatsapp group. Now DC are teens, who's on the school FB page, asking if anyone knows how the new app works, whether anyone has been given their login yet, what time the school is open for exam results, what size are the leavers hoodies? (Spolier, its all mums)

I meant the general "you".

See, I actually think the opposite.

It SHOULD be referred to as a husband problem (or partner problem) because that's exactly what it is. Referring to it as "the mental load" means it's dismissed as something silly or pointless.

So are we only using the expression when referring to healthy couples?