The ‘mental load’

[Cachall]

Does anyone else cringe when they read this term on here?

No, I don’t cringe but it isn’t a term I would use: I believe it would be better described as mental & emotional load.

If you have a disabled or unwell partner, then that's a whole different story and whole different set of challenges.

The "mental load" in that scenario is a whole different ball game and should really be referred to as carers burnout or something similar.

It isn’t just an individual husband/partner problem if it’s something that’s happening across society, though, is it? That’s like saying that sexual harassment at work or being always expected to make the tea in the office is a “boss problem”, or women being catcalled in the street is a “builder problem”.

It’s something that is structurally part of the disproportionate way that the mundane domestic, family and organisational duties fall to women, not just in the workplace or in the wider world but at home too.

If women hadn’t been able to say that, hang on, female employees being disproportionately asked to make the tea at work is part of a wider problem of sexism in society, and instead had been told just that it was their own fault for not simply refusing to do it, we’d all still be being sent out to take the tea and coffee orders for male colleagues as a matter of course.

I never used the word individual.

I said that it needs to be referred to as a husband problem - in other words, the issue isn't with the specific tasks that need doing, the issue is that those tasks are falling to women, and that's what needs to be addressed.

Single parents with kids have a greater mental load than single people without kids. And they struggle with it too and some
say so.

Reminders are great, but they are just reminders. I can put a note on the fridge door all I want, it's not going to book the appointment for me, is it? If you don't only have reminders for yourself but for other people as well, that's more stuff for you to actually do, isn't it?

Yes, some apps do make life a lot easier. Direct debit is, in my opinion, one of the best inventions ever, having been an adult when you had to physically post a cheque or go out to pay a bill.
But we haven't got to the stage quite yet when putting a reminder in your phone equates to actually doing every task.

Somebody still has to do it. And it's an extra mental load of you aren't having to do it just for yourself.

Why is that so hard to understand? It's not rocket science...

There is an underlying current of "oh silly you, you chose a shit husband, why dont you just do adulting better, or stop doing everything, or LTB"

...but how come so many people chose someone useless. The answer was that they weren't useless when you met. Each of you carried your own load without issue. Mental load really becomes onerous when you are taking the load for another (dependent) person so mostly when you have DC, or if you take responsibility for an elderly parent/relative, and that is when it can feel overwhelming on top of working ft.
And somehow there's an expectation that women will take that on.

The irony is that often its dismissed as "basic menial stuff that women like to complain about to make themselves seem busy" ....and yet at the same time, there's often admiration for a dad who organises playdates, or goes on a school trip , or makes all the pack lunches, like hes really going above and beyond!

No.

It might be a relatively new term to describe the shit that has often been women's lives, but that doesn't negate the reality of it.

Someone mentioned 'mental load' is just a list. The point is, it's not just your own list. It's your list, the list for your kid(s), the list for your "partner". And it's not just the project management of everyone's lists, it's doing everything on everyone's lists. And when you take on all of the management and all of the doing, it's an exhausting hiding to nowhere.

When I was single, there was no 'mental load' for me - and I wouldn't really have understood the term - because the only person I needed to look out for or after was myself. It was not my unspoken job to take on responsibility for anyone else's life.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

and yet at the same time, there's often admiration for a dad who organises playdates, or goes on a school trip , or makes all the pack lunches, like hes really going above and beyond!

Well, there's certainly no admiration from me. That's basic parenting.

But I was raised by a dad who was 100% involved in all the "mental load" - he sorted uniforms, did school runs, arranged play dates, took me to extra-curricular lessons and arranged my hobbies - so I just see it as normal, I guess.

A reminder is just that. sure i can write it on my calendar.. and it's there to read. However...

I have to to remember its there when i'm asked about booking another appointment for something else, i have to remember when i'm free, when my kids are in college, when i have physio or a hospital appointment. I also have to remember what else i'm meant to be doing that week, grocery shopping, housework, laundry.

I have to remember when the 20 other appointments over the next 6 weeks are, when someone asks me if i'm free at 10.30 on tuesday the fuckknows of may, and if i can't, i have to call back later, and that's another thing i have to remember. to do so i can write a reminder.

That's because things add up. After you've spent all day ferrying the kids around, checking homework, planning doctor's visits, going to birthdays, buying groceries and meal planning, etc etc, even one extra task can feel overwhelming. And there are plenty of things that you only need to do once a year but they also add up.

And the people you are doing this for don't tell you until the day before about some vitally important thing they were invited to weeks ago. You can have all the spreadsheets and reminders in the world, but when you are doing that for somebody else who doesn't bother to look at your spreadsheet/calendar/fucking great big neon sign, it's you that gets the blame.

@C152

Someone mentioned 'mental load' is just a list. The point is, it's not just your own list. It's your list, the list for your kid(s), the list for your "partner". And it's not just the project management of everyone's lists, it's doing everything on everyone's lists. And when you take on all of the management and all of the doing, it's an exhausting hiding to nowhere.

Exactly. Its cumulative.

Any idiot can book a reminder in their calendar of a GP appointment or update their car insurance.

But if you’re doing all of those reminders and jobs on top of your day job and being a parent and you are inexplicably doing this for yourself and your kids and spouse it’s an additional load.

People keep breezily saying it’s easy to make lists and do life admin and of course it is but when its not just yours but everyone’s in the household it’s palpably harder and more unfair.

Call it “unfairness” if you don’t like “mental load”. But you can’t deny its a thing.

I honestly think there isn’t anything wrong with calling mental load because most of it is mental work. Before you can do a task, you have to think about it and figure out what priority it is to you and to someone else, the cause and effects if you do x over y, etc, and how it can effect more than just yourself, and family, but others as well.

Not sure why some want to argue over the name. Plenty of descriptions have synonyms. It’s like arguing large vs huge.

I

When is the appointment? Before during or after school? Which parent will have to take the child? Will that parent have to shuffle their work around/arrange cover/make up working time? How will that affect childcare or any extra curriculars the child/ren may have? Kids now sick so have to reschedule and rethink it all. Blah blah blah.
It would be lovely if an app which sorted all this out for us without any mental energy on our part but I have certainly not heard of it.
It takes a few minutes to book an appointment and add to the calendar but if you just check out after that’s and call it job done, what will the fallout be?

A short explanation of the mental load is this - the buck stops with you.

In our house, this is me. Dentists' trips, finding lost bits of toys, remembering something yellow for Yellow Day (new thing this year), planning Halloween costumes, remembering the consent form for the flu vaccine....

I can delegate some stuff, that's fine. But ultimately it's me remembering it. It's me who will have to fix any screw-ups. It's me who will have to comfort upset and disappointed kids if I mess up.

The buck stops with me. I have the mental load in our house.

But your jobs take less time than his jobs.

It takes a few minutes to book an appointment and add to the calendar but if you just check out after that’s and call it job done, what will the fallout be?

Yes. It's also not just the dentists' appointment, it's everything that goes with it:

• Book dentist's appointment.
• Arrange time off work/rearrange work appointments.
• Remember to email child's school to tell them child will be picked up early.
• Remember on the day that child has to go to dentist's appointment.
• Manage work so you're free to take child to appointment. Rush to school to collect them.
• Remember toothbrushes so they can brush their teeth prior to seeing the dentist.
• Book any follow-up work/appointments needed and make arrangements to be available for those.

Bloody hell! This is exactly what people mean when they say people are making a meal of it!

The mental load itself isn’t usually the problem, it’s the lack of sharing the mental load equally when in a supposedly equal partnership, or lack of having someone to share with when single.

Oh, do you just have to book the appointment and then a tiny fairy takes your child to it?

Why did no one tell me this? I could have saved so much time.

The mental load itself isn’t usually the problem, it’s the lack of sharing the mental load equally when in a supposedly equal partnership

But should it be shared equally when other aspects of the household aren't? I know it's a Mumsnet thing to think that going out to work is basically a jolly, but if one of you has a high stress, long hours job and one doesn't, of course household tasks should largely fall one way.

There was one the other day who carried the mental load of car and house insurance

Let’s not forget, hope there aren’t any traffic issues getting and leaving there, the dentist isn’t running behind, and the appointment doesn’t run over.

Is that 'mental load' or 'life admin'?

Apparently none of that matters though. Because it's really very simple. All you have to do is call and book the appointment, and all this other stuff takes care of itself.

No time off work needed, no toothbrushes needed.

Apparently I've been overthinking things. You book the appointment, and the kids just magic themselves there and back. It really is just a one minute job 😂..