DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

That makes him even more of a cnut.

His mum coming is going to lead to him asking his mum to come more and more often so he can go out.

I think that moving to a village was a massive mistake and too drastic for a man who want to go out or rightly hang out with you after work and that you should move back pronto so he can go out u til 2am.

Having another baby will kill your relationship and be a massive mistake imo. You’ll end up resenting each other and he’ll move to London and go out every night like he wants to since there’s no judgement on dads for doing stuff like that.

I agree with people who say that never leaving ds with a babysitter is extreme and if you do call MIL then you need to consider forcing yourself to go out on dates with your h for the sake of your relationship. It sounds like a call for help.

Okay so it can take a while to accept your new life. Having a baby is a massive life change. 11 months in is still quite early. Your child will give more back as time goes on and the rewards will balance out with the demands. Maybe in a few years some of his existing friends will also have children. Relationship struggles are also very common after having a baby because your life has changed, you're sleep deprived, possibly affected by hormones, and have very little time for each other.

Im not sure I understand why he couldn't go away for a second time? You say it wasn't fair? Do you mean because you've not gone away? Can you not just let him go away and then if you want to go away you can so it's fair?

By the sound of things you literally don't spend any time together? Have I got this right? Because by the time he's in a position to spend time with you, you're in bed?

I don't think a week of "space" is going to solve anything. I would get some relationship counselling in your shoes. It will really help. He does sound like he's struggling. Is a he a good dad and partner otherwise?

The older I get the more I think men are just useless children and most of us would be fine if not happier without them. They’re usually the equivalent of an additional child.

it’s taken me 41 years to realise this. I have a DH and love him but I’m absolutely certain I’d be completely fine alone.

I think maybe a night away from the baby is worth the sacrifice for this man that you love

Agree with this. What's best for your child in the end? The odd night without you now while you and your DH reconnect or you end up splitting and he sees his dad EOW. As I don't see him wanting 50/50 and I doubt you'd want that either.

Everyone can say he's selfish but if I put myself in his shoes I'd probably be feeling the same. How long does he need to wait for things to improve when your child is already close to a year old?

This is his cry for help. It's up to you if you listen.

That’s not true at all. And I am almost never team DH. It sounds like he’s trying his best, and hates his life.

If the OP does not listen to the screaming alarm bells this marriage is toast

Can he get a hobby for the evenings? We got an indoor bike which you can use with apps to make it more entertaining. You can do exercise while the baby sleeps!

I think you should have let him have the second weekend away. It’s one weekend. Why isn’t it “fair”? Have you asked for time and he’s said no?

You never know how you’ll cope with commuting until you’ve tried it for an extended period, because the stress & social isolation it can cause is cumulative. Moving to a village location on the assumption it will be ok - without renting first & trying it out-is really foolish.

I know this because at an earlier stage in my life I did it.

I also think OP should try renting in London (and letting out the village house) before rushing to buy back there. If her relationship is basically over now anyway (which is possible) she might prefer to remain in the village.

I feel sorry for your DH.

I would not be happy with this arrangement if I was him.

I took maternity leave then had a second baby ( only 17 months between the 2) so , apart from the 3 months return I had to do to get my maternity lump sum, I was away from work for 3 years. My husband left when the children were 3 and 2. We were 27 when the first baby was born , 28 with the second. He started an affair with a work colleague( she was 16, he and I were 29). He started staying out late, drinking and he went back to smoking. She was 17 and he was 30 when he left me and far more fun than an adult woman with 2 tiny children apparently. His comment was " I want to do what I want when I want and I can't do that with children so I'm leaving". I wasn't working. With hindsight he wasn't happy for years.I should have stuck with one child and gone back to work ASAP. Being a single parent is hard enough with one. If I were you I would go back to work and hold off on having anymore children.

Yet another woman tasked with 'fixing' their grown adult husband. Sigh.

OP, there are few things going on here:

• It's utterly crap of him to ask mummy over for a week to take care of HIS family, while he can go and live the single life. This is isn't someone who is 'struggling', this is someone that doesn't want to be with you. 'Fixing it' would look like finding social support or locally or being honest that the location you moved to was a mistake and aiming to move somewhere more suitable.
• I would go as far as to not find it particularly surprising that he returns from his week away and starts feeding you 'the script'.
• Our drinking once a fortnight and a summer trip away is completely on par with the normal life of a parent (never a mum of course, but there you go). Him not being content with that signals that he does not want to be with you and his family.
• With your marriage in this state, I would return to work when your DC turns one.
• While none of the above is your fault, with a child 11 months old it really is time to start getting a baby sitter for an hour or two every once in a while and going to bed at 9pm. You have to balance yourself as a mother with keeping your relationship healthy.

Another weekend/a few days away really wouldn’t have been the end of the world.

You are driving him away and he’s starting to resent you, which is hardly surprising imo.

You sound very controlling, and suffocating. (And I’m a female btw, probably his/your mums age).

Do you know much about mental health? Because if his circumstances are causing his low mental health, that isn’t going to magically improve if he doesn’t change his circumstances. It’s totally valid and for someone to feel unhappy in his shoes. You don’t have to be happy with a life of no sex etc let alone all the other issues. Therefore your comment of “focus on mental health etc instead of escaping from it.” doesn’t make sense in context.

You have made two major changes that have changed your life. Moving area and having a baby. From the city to a village is huge. It sounds like dh hates where you live. Could you compromise and move? Also your baby is nearly 1 you need to have quality time together or your relationship will fall apart. I say this as someone whose marriage did fall apart. You need to keep dating and remember why you are together. You aren’t just parents and it’s easy to fall into that. I would try and nap in the day time so you and dh get time together as he is right he comes home and spends the evening alone.

Agreed. One night away from the little one, will be fine put husband first frankly I'd have let him go to Paris.

Trouble is his friends are younger and still child free. Fast forward a few years they'll be parents too.

We were lucky husbands hobby being sailing we were all on the water at weekends in the summer first baby sailing at three weeks. In the winter he was either tinkering with boats or shooting.

Your weekends sound very dull. There must be something in your area hobby wise he'd enjoy which you could float around. Footie, rugby, badminton etc. all have a social side.

It was a mistake to leave London so prematurely. You can raise kids in London you know? Schools are better and, guess what, there are parks too!

Two changes at once, baby and move, have altered life out of all recognition. You have had to make a new routine and life and your hormones have driven that to being baby orientated. You are in a village and have a baby in your arms so your son is a passport taking you into a community.
Your husband is still doing the same job and half living the same life but not able to do the fun bits.
I think you both need to make some effort. You could try to stay up a bit later a couple of evenings a week so you are more present.
You could try to get regular childcare so that once every couple of weeks you went to the pub in the village. You could also use childcare to sometimes go with him to London to see friends. You could invite London friends to visit. You could invite some of your local friends and their partners round.
He needs to be willing to communicate with you, maybe to say what things he misses most. It might be that the move was a mistake but over the next few years as more of your friendship group have children too then they will have less time to socialise and he might feel less like the only one missing out.

His solution is a bit shit, what's going to happen after a week? Real life will still be there waiting for him. He needs to spend the time thinking about positive changes he can make to his life in the long term. Yes his mates in London are out partying but they aren't likely to do that forever either, it's common for professionals in London to move further out when they have families, in (literally) different directions to their friends.

And you may need to re think some of your own behaviour that's contributing to these issues. It's completely normal to lose yourself in new motherhood and have the baby be the centre of everything and lose that connection with your partner. But it sounds like you're content for no social time together, not even watching TV in the evenings, and no sex life etc. That is not going to be healthy for your relationship if it goes on much longer. Sometimes you need to force yourself to fake it til you make it and put your relationship forward some of the time even if it feels a bit uncomfortable.

I wouldn’t have stopped him going to Paris. I wouldn’t ever stop my husband doing something like that, and he wouldn’t ever stop me. Nothing good ever comes from stopping another adult doing something they want to do. I’d be resentful about that.

That doesn’t sound like a good idea if you want your marriage to last. Your child would rather have working parents than divorced parents.

You need to look at what changes you can make so that you can both see some happiness in your future. Village life isn’t for everyone, and it doesn’t sound like it is for your DH.

He sounds like a prick, and that he wants to stay in a hotel for a week with another woman. I’m sorry OP.

I'd also reconsider going back to work. It will show you what his life is like and also protect you should your relationship not survive.

Yep, I have severe depressive episodes due to circumstances, but they are extreme circumstances, and they also caused me to have chronic physical health issues to top it all off, he's living a normal family life and depressed over it.

I'm not saying that he can't change his circumstances in any way, but a large part of his 'treatment' will be having to come to terms with his new life, and then obviously look at things that can be changed or compromised on as well as that so that he gets more of a balance.

How old is your DH? Sounds like he’s struggling with the adjustment and transition of being a new father…