DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

I was going to come on and say all this but you got there first! Great post. I agree, it sounds like he's depressed, perhaps he's not behaving the absolute best he could be, but then who does when they're depressed/overwhelmed by change/feeling really unhappy but not knowing what to do about it. I don't think it's really that he wants to move back to London, it sounds like it's more a deep seated feeling of this new life not being what he thought it would and you and he both need to open up and get to the bottom of why that really is - he's probably afraid of hurting you or sounding like he doesn't love your DS if he admits that he's finding fatherhood really hard, especially since you seem to have found it so good. I definitely think you need to start communicating properly ASAP, you sound totally disconnected from one another, emotionally, physically, sexually - it's really hard when you have a baby but you absolutely have to find a way, even if it's in small things like giving one another a hug or having a short chat about your days, that isn't all about your new roles as parents of a baby. I'm worried for you too, that you haven't had any chance to do anything at all for yourself for the last year, where are your hobbies and socialising and friends, it's all very well having mum friends and mum meet-ups and baby classes but these can tend to be very, well, mum/baby focussed, you can forget who you are as a person outside of being a mum if that's all you ever do. That's not healthy for you and it's not great for your relationship either.

Can you think back towards those early days in your relationship, I know you've given it all up apparently without a pang so maybe deep down you knew it wasn't what you wanted forever, but there must be something you enjoyed about the city and lifestyle, something that you drew you and attracted you to your DH that wasn't just about his role as father and provider? I think it's that you need to recapture within your new context, it's not about looking backwards and just trying to recreate it entirely as it was, obviously you can't do that, but was it getting nicely dressed up and going out for drinks, doing cultural things or meeting up with friends? What did you used to like talking to one another about, politics, music, hobbies, friends, holidays? Getting back into the loop of actually conversing and out of the habit of 'how many bottles do we have sterilised, do you think he's grouchy today, is he going to sleep, has he poo'd' being all you say to one another is tricky at first but so, so important.

Personally I'd think again about the SAHM plan, not to knock it generally, it can be great but it does leave you really vulnerable if your relationship is in a rocky place and also (controversial I know) I think it puts a lot of burden on the breadwinner to be the sole source of income for the family, for someone already feeling boxed in and disconnected it can end up feeling as though he has no agency or choice, as if his only contribution to the family is bringing in the money (not saying that is the case but that is how it can feel). I think possibly even if it isn't very lucrative, doing some part-time work might give you a good level of space, your DS won't suffer from being in nursery or childminder for a little bit (if he gets used to it that gives you more options towards spending some childfree time) and any extra income can go towards small things that make life easier and give you a bit more headspace towards spending time together...

I remember my first being a smack in the face- I was absolutely shocked at the lack of freedom. I think people saying he needs to cop on must forget what it’s like to have to talk about every plan when you are used to being able to just see people and go out. Saying that he does need to figure out how to get to a middle ground without it impacting you or your child too much, and I agree a move to the countryside is a bit much, I found it very isolating- we’re now less rural and we all find it easier

This is not remotely unusual. Many people have neither the income for babysitters nor family close or prepared to babysit.

Babies with sleep issues are also common with many many women requiring to go to bed early in order to be able to function, especially, as here, where the woman is doing all or all week night wakings.

I don’t think the OP’s issue is that she’s doing anything unusual or wrong.

I find it hard to sympathise with the husband I’m afraid.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

what is the right solution? He has come to you and said - things aren't right and im really unhappy, this is my suggestion for putting things right, or looking at putting things right. So now you've had time to think, what is your solution for putting things right?

@MagdaLenor I have a lot of female friends who have struggled or are still struggling with the transition. I was lucky to have lots of family help to give myself & us space.

I agree.

It sounds like his life has drastically changed in a way that is unusual for even first time parents; because it has been timed with a significant location change, new house, lack of support from friends/family, alongside a total lack of intimacy. It appears that every aspect of his life has changed in an extreme manner as he said he feels depressed.

However his feeling of depression seems to be spurred on by his circumstances. Personally if I was depressed, I’d want to see if I felt better if I changed the aspects of life I am unhappy with; as opposed to just living with depression for the rest of my life and not taking action. Antidepressants and such aren’t going to help, if his depression is caused by lifestyle factors as those factors will still be in the background logically triggering low mood.

In a way, him trialling this week in London to see if his mood improves, would lead to him being a better parent. He’s likely aware he’s not totally present in life.

You married a man child. Lots of women are feeling the same way now. You probably aren’t alone. He needs to suck it up. He’s got responsibilities now.

@EvelynBeatrice you don't think it's unusual to only leave an 11 month old for one hour?

Many babies are in childcare by then because the mother needs to work.

One of my dc didn't sleep through until 3 & was a bad sleeper for years. I couldn't go to bed every night at 9pm as I had other dc, things to do.

OP having a baby is a completely life changing experience which impacts everything. You are in that bubble and your OH is managing that with the continuation of his old life.

You have moved, you are on mat leave, your OH commutes a long way to work, you aren't near friends anymore, your OH is missing his old life etc etc.

It's okay to say what you are doing isn't working. Living in a village which may seem idealistic isn't the life he wants and frankly is a surprising move if his city friends are that important to him. This isn't going to change so a change in location is seriously needed.

You have prioritised your baby for 11 months - and no one would argue with that. But your OH is struggling and feeling lonely as he is away from his friends and you go to bed early. After this amount of time a balance with your OH is needed.

So he wants to go on a lads weekend to do something that will solve being lonely and being back with his friends and you have said no. So he feels he is trying to solve this issue and you have blocked it

He appears to be an involved dad so there isn't a criticism here.

This isn't going to go away and he will only resent your further going forward. I think you need to have a serious conversation before this gets worse and look at compromising and creating solutions together.

You need to have a serious discussion with him. It sounds like so many changes in a super short period of time.
Time spent on your relationship is beneficial to dc, it’s so easy to drift apart. It sounds like he’s saying he misses you and wants to spent time in evenings together not just see his friends.
Could you move back to city? Would free up his commute time and enable him to see friends more.

Yes, I struggled and felt quite lonely but I just took it day by day and focussed on my baby. My DH was brilliant.
I do wonder if something else is going on here.

You don't need family or babysitters to spend time together, though. There's nothing stopping you (as a couple) from going out with the baby for a meal, or ordering a posh takeaway etc.

I think I'd be pretty miserable if my entire life was uprooted and changed overnight for a baby.

The problem is 2 fold it seems. Firstly it sounds like moving the to village was a mistake. Can you not move back more central? Kids can grow up fine in zone 2. I think you are going to have to make some compromises here- he’s blatantly not ready. You could leave the country move for another 10 years. Secondly the fact that none of the friends are at the same life stage. I can imagine my husband may have been like this but we were one of the last so we were playing catch up to a social circle that was already changed. He liked having dad friends and groups of them taking the kids to the park to play. As you’ve suggested your DH making dad friends would help a lot but if he’s not willing to kind of embrace his new life then he is going to keep fighting it and that is only going to go one way. I certainly wouldn’t consider having any more children for at least a few years.

I agree.

Reading between the lines, he told his mum that he isn’t happy/is depressed. That’s why she’s offered to step in. She’s probably aware the relationship is at breaking point. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the mum is wanting to talk to OP and get a feel of how bad things are and whether the relationship can improve or whether they are heading towards a split.

i think you are on different trajectories in life. Obviously the baby was unplanned but your DH doesn’t seem to be on board with your new life.

and you are not ready to leave your 11 month old with anyone else? Don’t plan to go back to work until he is three unless you have more …. Have you discussed this with your DH?

thankgoditssaturday · Today 16:40

You married a man child. Lots of women are feeling the same way now. You probably aren’t alone. He needs to suck it up. He’s got responsibilities now.

I think this attitude is why people have midlife crises and why divorces are so prevalent now. There has to be compromise- I sucked it up years ago and ended up as a depressed sahm in the middle of nowhere, far from family and friends, crying regularly because I felt so bored and lonely. We moved to be a little less rural, I got a job, we got back to dating and being ourselves and things are easier. Nobody should ask for help and be told to suck it up

Honestly op, you need to reassess where you live and you staying at home till your kid is 3, because this is not working for you guys. It’s working for you but it’s breaking up your marriage. You are in this together and that means you both need to give a little. He’s giving a lot, in terms of having a very long commute every day and sitting on his own in the evening, which he is not enjoying. I can’t actually say what you’re giving here, because you gave up your salary (do your choice not to work is costing you guys money), you gave up your evenings together to get enough sleep, you gave up time together because you don’t feel comfortable leaving your child alone. You’re giving up on your relationship. If you want this relationship to survive you need to work on creating time together, the most obvious solution is for you to not go to bed so early once a week. You also need to find a place to live with less commute for your husband. That way, your husband will also have time to actually meet other dads and families. How is he supposed to meet dads in your village if he is commuting so much?

I agree with this. My husband and I actually had a very similar set up to you when our kid was younger. I had lots of local mum friends (still do), all of his friends were in the city we used to live in (still are), he knows people to say hello to but as a rule does not go out with any friends locally. I think the difference between your situation and ours is that

(a) because he really doesn't get to see his friends that often, I have never made a fuss about the rare occasions when he does want to go out or go away with them and I would have been very upbeat and positive about him going away to the French open (even when my kid was your kid's age), and

(b) we always made sure we had a bit of evening together as grown ups after our kid went to sleep even if that meant we were tired in the morning.

Just read a bit more of the thread. You think it's unfair for him to spend a weekend with his friends once per quarter, and yet you're also talking about not going back to work for 3 years?

I'm very rarely Team DH in these situations but don't you think this is a lot to expect of someone you're not making much effort to spend any time with?

I moved from a small city to a village when kids were small - what a culture shock - took me a long time to return but definitely feel better for it though obviously I got accustomed to the different lifestyle and it wasn’t daily depression.
However, your husband has a pretty long working day followed by baby bath/cook and then sits alone. I doubt I’d have energy for anything myself after that but it would probably be nice not to then see my partner say night then after my work/chores were just finished. Then he has the weekend doing nights with the baby. It does sound utterly draining to the spirit - yes, that’s life now in a way, but little to look forward to and he may be finding it, as all parenting is, relentless, and it’s getting him down. It’s relentless for you too, but the difference seems to be, not just finding new friends as you have, but having the day times to meet them, go to different places, coffees, soft play, groups etc with them - you’re getting small things to look forward to and a social life that he can’t have - dad friends aren’t much use as he’d not be able to see them as you see the mum friends. There’s not even a date type night (though I hate that term!) for him to enjoy.
I think you’re going to have to rethink his social life - before he feels so trapped he wants to escape (well he already does) or gets more depressed as he misses every single social interaction and loses his city friends - could he stay over on the fortnightly nights out occasionally? Could he have more than 1 weekend away? Could you pre cook tea and spend time doing something together one evening a week? Could you give him a night not bathing or cooking if he were going somewhere in the village such as gym or bowls!
You sound really happy with your son, the nice bits of village life - and that’s great - but he doesn’t get the bits you do and sees the bits he misses every day at work. Maybe if it were less of a draining commute, or less things to do at home once or twice a week it could help and he’d start to adjust - maybe if he didn’t bath baby or cook one night he could find energy to do something locally.
I’m surprised at myself posting this, I normally think some men just need to get on with life but it does sound quite a depressing life he’s living and no one has to set themselves on fire to keep another person warm though it’s hard for you too thinking you’ve both got everything and being told he doesn’t feel he has. He’s at least told you, he says he enjoys the life to an extent but he is lonely and unhappy - hope you find a compromise.

You say your DS wasn’t planned, and it sounds like your DH wasn’t ready for kids yet.

I wonder what conversations you had when you became unexpectedly pregnant? Did it feel like a joint decision or did he say he would support whatever you chose? In my experience, that’s always a bad sign: on this topic, anything other than a resounding yes should always be taken as a no.

I can empathise with both of you. I wasn’t ready for kids until my mid thirties. He probably feels trapped. You are left doing all the heavy lifting.

He really needs to decide if he can commit to family life or not. And decide quickly. Because as you’re finding, a compromise in this situation will be pretty unfulfilling for all of you. I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

Tbh we both miss our former life and freedoms 13 years on.
Moving to a village, we moved a little rural and hated it. DH said we move back or he is going alone. He actually couldn't stand it that much he was willing to walk away.
Moved back and its much happier situation.

The other side of it is that they may not stay together anyway because even if they do for a while eventually resentment may set in for the OP that he ruined this time by complaining about normal family life and not being content with it.
We see this all the time when couples split up, and for the mother the resentment goes back to the early parenting years.

I do agree that maybe they could try to move etc, but he also does need to understand that 'this is his life now' as in a lot of it will change, yes he can socialise but with a baby you can't socialise as much as childless people etc, and yes sometimes life gets tedious and boring but that's something you have to deal with too and focus on mental health etc instead of escaping from it.

Don’t be a housewife for years in the sticks in unhappy relationship . You NEED work as a contingency plan, maintain career, money and back up if relationship break up

i know in the immediate post baby fug you can’t imagine work, but don’t give it up. Return after mat leave . Your relationship is rocky don’t add stalled career in the mix too

use the mil tone to actually be together as adult partners not just parents . Reconnect on that level. You’ve both had an enormous change
relocated from zone 2 to sticks
baby
responsibilities of parenting
lack of spontaneity that comes with being a parent

really hope you can work this out
do not give up work

This is tricky, and I'm not sure either of you is being unreasonable.

Yes, your DH could put more effort into making a life where he is now, rather than pining for a London existence that wouldn't exist in the same way anyway post baby. If his friends have kids in a few years, he'll not be the only one.

But I think you're created a situation where you get everything you want at his expense. I know you both agreed on the village but you get to be a stay at home mum, presumably on his London salary as well as savings. You have time to make friends and create a new identity as village mum. He is commuting hours a day. I get that it's hard when a baby doesn't sleep but if you're still going to bed by 9 at 11 months there's not much of a marriage there. I think you need to at least give him Friday and Saturday nights of adult company, conversation and a glass of wine.

If moving back to London is off the cards, you need to compromise on something else. I think he's doing a lot - and has given up a lot of his old life - to give your DC the life that you agreed is best for him. I think you could move your red lines a bit as well.

I'm not sure he does need to "suck it up".

There is such a thing as compromising.