DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

I hear what you're saying, but my view is that i think it depends on the person. Not working would have been torture for me. Staying at home would have been easier than my full time job, but i needed to work. That meant less sleep, I couldn't go to sleep at 9pm. I still had to look after the children and do all the housework after being at work, as did my husband.

For me, being at home full time would have been so much easier, less responsibility (obviously parenting is a big responsibility, but that would be the only responsibility if i was a FT parent) , less pressure, fewer critical decisions to make, less demands that are time specific on top of trying to look after children.

Some people find being a stay at home parent more difficult than working full time and parenting, but others manage working and parenting in spite of the challenges. I think it depends what the person wants.

Absolutely agree with this. My parents are very much the go-getting, jet setting cruising couple aged late 70s and early 80s. They have always been pretty outgoing and certainly very driven, much more than my DH and his parents.
They were pretty good parents but certainly didn't travel as much when he was a child, and lived a lot more insular lives too. Much like your parents, and my husband was certainly very insular and a homebody, and agoraphobic at one point, such was his anxiety and personality (most likely not helped by his parents).

There are certainly very different ways of loving and bringing up children, but there should always be compromise, and it may stifle your child if you don't want him to do things, see the world, be a bit more outgoing.

Life is for living. Let your poor DH live his a bit too. He's a very young mid-20s man, not a boring middle aged old sod!

Yeah it was. My ds is 31. I’m 61.

I don’t know anyone who behaved like that. No one. Still don’t now. I had Dd at 42. I was nothing like that.

That lifestyle is more like the 1930’s

The him needing space part is ridiculous, he has a baby and can’t just up and leave for a hotel.

it does sound like he isn’t happy with the current set up though. Would consider moving back to London nearer work? I have 2 DC 3 and 9 months, and DH and I are each out more often than once a fortnight. Also means more quality time with kids and less commute. Yes we could have more space further away but not the lifestyle. London is fabulous place to bring up young kids, there is so much to do as a family and as individuals

OP's lack of compromise is not helpful. Why she cannot leave her child for an evening out etc I don't understand. Getting out and seeing people is necessary if you have a small child - and I bet those mums she knows have some sort of babysitting circle going.
It does occur to me that OP is depressed herself, hence the inability to leave the baby with someone other than DH and her going to bed at nine o'clock because she is tired - both symptoms of depression. Maybe village life is not what she expected - being a child in such a village, twenty years ago, is very different from living in one as an adult.

But she’s not talking about parents with babies - she’s talking about parents for the whole of the child’s life - her parents never had any time to themselves or as a couple (apart from going to bed a 9pm each night).

All social life was connected to play dates or family activities.

So no adult friends, no nights out, no gym or sports hobbies, no other hobbies, no trips to an art gallery with a friend followed by lunch.

You’re sounding as if you really don’t care much about your husband OP. As if he can virtually be disregarded and disposed of without you batting an eyelid. I hope you have serious plans for being a single mother.
We all love our children but it’s not exclusive, we need room in our lives to love and care for others around us, and have a life of our own.
You need to think very carefully about your future. The more you write the more I can see that your marriage is virtually over.

I think by the time you’re at the point that your husband is suggesting a week away to himself rather than working together on making their new circumstances better, then he’s probably the one that’s checked out. Also, she’s had about 800 castigating replies, so maybe she she’s just responding to that too.

I was a loving parent - but the bath-book-bed routine was torture. I hate the word routine. It never means a regular schedule of rewarding activities & enjoyment. Just the thankless grind.

I would like to say something about the DH here that is positive. He has stepped up with a lot of hands on parenting responsibilities and has moved house, increased his commute etc. He has opened the communication about how unhappy he is and how he misses his wife and socialising with friends. He has also offered a solution with MIL.

While it would be great if he just dropped his old life and this wasn’t important to him but it is. Maybe counselling would help him on his own but also together.

I will say that in some of your posts OP you come across as inflexible. Obviously that is just based on a few paragraphs though. I can’t see how he can’t go to Paris for the tennis though. He is very unhappy, and it means a lot to him. You are on mat leave. I feel like your reason is that you don’t want him to.

Goodness, once again that poor guy that accidentally fell on top of his wife in London and got her pregnant, and then had his hand held to forge his signature on the mortgage and now needs a week off to himself. He definitely sounds like a guy that’s there to work on his marriage. Maybe we should start a charity for men like this, we could rent a caravan somewhere so they can get some respite. Or maybe for this guy will need to push the boat out and it should be a flat in London.

I think some people need to catch on to what the alternative is here. As it stands this man is out with his friends every 2 weeks for drinks the only catch is that he has to catch the last train home. He was on holiday with his friends 2 months ago. He heads out to the gym every few nights. He has all the opportunity to meet new people and socialise in the local pub but he's choosing not to. Ops suggested they host his friends at theirs but those 'friends' can't be arsed. As a lone mother who's recently relocated I would LOVE to have the social life this man has. And tbh I don't know that many friends with young kids who are out on fortnightly pub sessions and mates holidays twice a year or more. He needs to grow up a bit and I think op is being very understanding.

Meanwhile op is at home, doing the lions share of childcare and night waking. And she's getting on with it and has found contentment in the life she made for herself. If they were still in London he'd be leaving op home alone with the baby while out partying to 3am regularly. And swanning off on regular holidays with friends. Most people have limited annual leave so what does that mean when op wants him to take time off for Christmas or family holidays?

I agree with your first point. I was not commenting on how women should feel or how OP’s dh should act at all. Just pointing out that the term postpartum usually refers to the period lasting 6-8 weeks after birth. It’s not my personal opinion, just what is typically meant by the term.

So you won't leave your DS with anyone else, you won't stay up later in the evening, you don't want his mum to give you both - or just him - a break, you don't want to have sex and you've persuaded him to more from a metropolis to a village (I realise he agreed to this, but I take it you were the driving force).

I know you feel you can justify all of these things individually, but put together it's a bit of an intransigent position you're taking.

This. You seem to want everything your way and clearly this is not the life he wants.
To be honest he sounds quite miserable.

Agreed. He’s hardly been a hostage to the situation. I don’t believe this guy is full in though, he’s imagining a life before children that doesn’t exist anymore. He’ll either adjust to his new life or not. I’m not sure it’s what his wife is doing or not doing at this stage. I can imagine her forcing herself to stay up late and going on nights out she’s not in the mood for and in general bending herself to what he wants and it probably still wouldn’t work because he wants a life that doesn’t exist anymore and sounds like he’s already moved on.

I don't think it's only her to blame for the unhappy situation. He clearly is struggling with fatherhood and possibly entered into it reluctantly, but he is to blame for acquiescing to OP's wishes to move to a village if he didn't really want that kind of life. He should have said so up front. He also can't expect life to be constantly fun and interesting because that's not how parenthood is. It can be hard, and monotonous at times.

I think she is to blame for not seeing it as a collective issue for them to try to address together as a team. OP's solution seems to be, she is happy where she is and how things are, and wants a life just like her parents, she believes that's the right way to raise kids, therefore his only option is to go along with what she wants.

Also, OP, surely you can see why it must seem a real life of change for him in every way? And that isn't easy.

Help him get back to being happier and give him some time to do what he enjoys. You've got your idyllic village life, living the rural dream, and having a sweet baby you adore.

His happy ever after only comes to him when he goes to bed anc dreams of what he could be doing, not living out in the sticks being bored with his social ties cut off. Poor guy. No wonder he's depressed 😔

Older parents [a bit like yours ] here. We travelled, worked and partied hard, but when the children came, they were and, continue to be, the centre of our world. Both grown, long flown the nest and fully independent, but oh we so enjoy it when they descend on us. My husband and I love each other to bits, and are very happy together, but we moved/grew from a couple to being parents, and there is no going back. Nor would we want to, successful careers etc, but two happy children is our greatest achievement. Your husband is an immature idiot and I suspect his mother recognises that.

It does sound like you're just not that interested in your husband or marriage - you don't really want to spend any time with him or make any compromises to prioritise your relationship.

I'm not surprised he's depressed, I would be too if I was at work with people having full and interesting lives and I came home to just sit on my own on the sofa every night and my partner didn't even want to go out to the pub with me.

Could you clarify what you mean by social ties cut off? How frequently do you think the parent of an 11 month old should be out socialising?

I know what you’re saying, but do you think that a man that’s suggesting a week away by himself is really all in for his marriage either? I think he wants a life that doesn’t exist anymore. OP could force herself to stay up late, go on nights out she’s not up for, leave her child with her mother-in-law for weekends away she doesn’t want and I still think it wouldn’t be enough. He hasn’t accepted he’s not single and child-free in London anymore, like his mates,

The 'needing space' is a trial separation on his part. This is the stage the OP is at, whether she wants to see it or not

I mean, he’s still got his job in London that he gets to go to every day and sees his friends and goes out with them, albeit with the sad sacrifice of getting the last train home. He had a weekend away by himself with his mates, it’s not a bad first year of your first child’s life.

And where’s your week away?

What a whinging little arsehole he is. He needs to grow the fuck up.