DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

I'm ok with OP not leaving her DC for a long time but some time away should be considered.
i would give Dh overnights in London as I think this might give him the social side he wants as long as he agrees to putting in more effort to make new friends in the village too
His Friendship group is tight and social which you resented while in the city, so you can't help but feel sorry for him wanting more of this.
a bit of compromise on both sides is needed
worrying about girls and affairs is pointless as that can happen anywhere at anytime
I'm not sure you guys are a good match long term?

I'm ok with OP not leaving her DC for a long time but some time away should be considered.
i would give Dh overnights in London as I think this might give him the social side he wants as long as he agrees to putting in more effort to make new friends in the village too
His Friendship group is tight and social which you resented while in the city, so you can't help but feel sorry for him wanting more of this.
a bit of compromise on both sides is needed
worrying about girls and affairs is pointless as that can happen anywhere at anytime
I'm not sure you guys are a good match long term?

I don't think it's particularly normal and certainly it's not healthy to get to 11 months and have not left your baby for a single hour to have a bit of time with your husband, and to go on to say that you won't do so for the forseeable and to say that you wouldn't really care that your marriage failed whilst simultaneously saying that you don't plan to work for 3 years - presumably expecting this man that OP doesn't really care about to pay her keep.

Do you think that sounds like a good situation, really?

Most people on this forum are parents, and can remember how completely shit the first year or so is, and how hard it is on a marriage, but personally if my DH had come to me and said that he was completely unhappy with his life I would be looking for ways to fix it as a matter of urgency, because he is as much a part of a happy, functional family as my children are.

I certainly wouldn't be shrugging my shoulders and telling strangers on the internet that I wouldn't care if he left.

I don’t think you can have read all of the OPs posts - this is her model for family life

“Growing up I was never away from my parents other than school, my mum was a TA so around any time I wasn’t at school. My dad never really went to the pub or out with friends, he came home every night and both my parents were in bed by 9pm, even when I was a teen and up later than them!
I was under the impression this was pretty standard for families who weren’t living in cities.”

Her parents never took any time for themselves, never met up with friends unless it was child related.

I feel for you in that I have been really anxious since having DC and do struggle to leave them at times - I got some support for this from my GP and also a parent anxiety course (which we accessed when DC was getting assessed for ASD). I think you need to discuss more about how you both want life to be and work out some changes to move towards that

@SoCatEs- I see you want to recreate your childhood, but in order for that to work and be a loving, happy home, both parents have to be signed up for this idea, and your dh is not.

Do you understand his “week away” in an Airbnb is a trial separation? You need to name it, you need to understand what stage you are at.

Your experience is similar to ours. We left London and moved to a village when we had kids we both hated it but agreed we didn’t want to raise our kids in London so moved to a city in Australia.

It sounds like moving to a village and becoming a parent was a dream for you but maybe a huge leap for him and he's obviously finding it difficult.

I do think you should find time to be together, even if it's just a couple of evenings a week. It's nice to have some time together even if it's just chatting and watching TV on the sofa for an hour or so. And definitely try to leave the baby with someone so you can have a date night - get dressed up and go out as a couple.

I would be fine with him going to London occasionally - he has good friends there and no reason he can't keep that going. I think you're right to encourage him to integrate into local life though - have you met anyone you think he'd get along with?

Did you discuss with your DH what you both expected your lives would be like when you child was born? Did he realise how you wanted your lives to change? Did you realise that he didn't have the same hopes for how life would be, that he wasn't expecting to abandon his friends and become a different person? How did you even get married without understanding each other's hopes and expectations for the future?

You have this dream about what family life involves. But it appears it's your dream and not his. How can you expect him to change so much and not have discussed this in depth? Bringing up a child is a serious business and you appear to have embarked upon it with no coherent plan. Your blasé statement about how you think you'll be fine if you split up is, once again, unthought through. Being a single parent is seriously hard work

To be fair, there’s a lot of melodramatic responses. Most of them talking about the poor man. Perhaps they do have incompatible long-term needs now, but I think blaming it on the woman fully for not making ‘time for their marriage! when she’s got a young child is a little bit rich.

I’m an old woman now, but I can assure you that the best thing for your child is for his parents to love each other, be committed to each other and want each other’s happiness. You sound dismissive of your husband and expect him to fall in line with his life is a bit shit now but it doesn’t matter as it!s all about the kid. It’s not a good idea to put a child’s needs above everyone else in the family. You say you don’t want him to miss out on time with his son-your son is a baby-he will never remember that his dad went away with some mates. If you go the way you’re going, your son will miss out on a lot more time with his dad. Please look at how you can have a happy marriage with both of you making compromises but not sacrificing everything on the altar so your baby. Talk to your husband. Work out together how you can both make it work. You’ve made new friends-but your husband likes his old ones. Don’t force him to make ‘dad friends’ and give up on his people. If it’s not what he wants, he’ll be miserable. Then so will your family. You’ve got what you want-see how you can both have something nice too.

The postpartum period is usually considered to last six to eight weeks after the birth, not a year. I’m really not saying that mothers should feel back to ”normal” that quickly, just that it’s a term with a defined meaning.

OP’s comments are like a textbook example of how you can totally fuck up your own life by not understanding that your parents are ….. peculiar.

Most of us realise this as we grow up and hope our own children will do too. I mean, I really would not want my children to obsessively recreate their childhoods in their own family lives. It’s a very unhealthy way to live.

This monocular recreation of a village idyll, as seen through a child’s eyes, will damage the OP’s own child, by making it impossible for her to engage in a relationship with an adult man under 75. This is sad - for her, for her husband, and most of all for their child

I suggest cutting it out now, everyone, before the thread fills up. Enough has been said and OP should have the chance to post again here tomorrow if she wants to.

I did read it, I don't think that that life really was that unusual either for the older generation. In this day and age yes it's a bit more unusual, but it's still fairly common among families with babies that socialising is a pretty rare event.

I think some readers are just alarmed that the OP is not picking up some clear signals. I don't think it's a matter of who's suffering more and blaming the other one (though one or two responses are a bit in that vein). It's more a matter of whether they can pull out of the nosedive, together.

And it's sad - the OP sounds an amazing parent, and life is just tougher as a single parent than when there are two sharing the daily load. But not as tough as co-parenting within a very bad relationship.

I do get that and to be fair I thought the same as I posted but wasn't sure if there was a more appropriate terminology my brain couldn't find which is probably telling in itself!

This. DS3 now goes to bed at 10pm (13 with ASN) so DH & I only get an hour together- watching a series with a cuppa & a cuddle- but my God is that hour SO important to connect.

If DS is in bed by 8ish can you not spend time together until 10pm as a compromise? Also, can you have food prepared for you both eating at 6:15/6:30pm to free up more time? I can't be doing with waiting until 8pm to eat anyway (simple meals in the week- slowcooker/ airfryer/ batch cooking at weekends).
You really do need to start making some more time for him or you'll drift and drift.

This. Also, his jump to needing a week to himself is dodgy. If he was calmly saying that he was feeling a bit down and could they have a chat about it then maybe. But this is not it…

I don't think that he is depressed actually, nor do i think that he's lonely. How can he be lonely if he's out at work surrounded by people whilst still going out. What he's actually missing is a lifestyle with no responsibilities and greater freedom. But he doesn't seem to worry about you being isolated on maternity leave or missing out on nights out or trips abroad. If he wants you to stay up later with him, then he could help out more with his baby. Alternatively, instead of going out to the pub after work, how about a night out once a month and he can book a cheap hotel room in London. Once a month you also get to do the same. Re the lack of sex, then he has a pair of hands. You've got a young baby. It has been a big change for you both, particularly the move. However, if he's struggling and has low mood, he could join a group for men adapting to parenthood or self refer to the NHS. I think that London is fairly unique insofar as people there tend to keep going out for longer than people elsewhere, partly down to housing costs and sharing houses. By contrast in other cities most couples are settling down and having kids in their early thirties.

Honestly op. I would suggest you work on your marriage. You realise if it fails you will spend at least a a couple of days a week away from your child and your dream of being a sahm in a pretty village will be gone as well.
Maybe something to think about ..

I think a lot of posters have got this twisted. People are acting like OP is living some kind of rural dream or idyllic escape just because she’s moved from the city to a village. In reality, she’s being practical. Loads of people don’t want to raise a baby in a city — for very valid reasons: safety, cost of living, wanting some actual space, maybe family nearby, a slower pace. It’s not about some prim fantasy — it’s about doing what works for this stage of life.

Also, let’s be real — for many of us, being in bed by 9 or 10 is just normal. Kids are exhausting. You’re up at night, you’re running on fumes, and your entire day revolves around keeping a tiny human alive. Wanting a quiet evening is not some tragic loss of identity — it’s just her reality right now. That doesn’t mean it’ll be like this forever.

And her partner works in PR or marketing (something along those lines) an industry that’s heavy on image, networking, and constant socialising. Of course the adjustment is hard. Of course he’s feeling the shift. But he’s in his early 30s. His mates will be having kids of their own soon enough! The nights out don’t vanish completely, but they do slow down. People grow up. Priorities shift. That’s normal.

When she mentioned her parents being around more, I highly doubt she meant they never went out — just that, like a lot of people across generations, kids came first most of the time. That’s not radical it is just parenting. Date nights are great and yes, of course she should consider carving out time for them as a couple again once she’s out of the thick of the baby stage but it doesn’t need to swing to some extreme of constant nights out or chasing a lifestyle that doesn’t fit anymore.

Honestly, OP is doing what so many women do, carrying all the mental and emotional load, making the best decisions for the family and then getting made out to be joyless or controlling for it. She deserves support, not side-eyes. Let’s stop acting like choosing stability and peace for your baby is somehow a failure to live your best life. This thread has boiled my blood tonight.

This is the truth. I had a real lightbulb moment once, walking through the park, pushing the buggy, mourning my old life, when I suddenly realised 'you will never get that life back. You need to find a new source of happiness in your new life.' And from that day on I put all my energy into finding happiness through DC. DH and I made big efforts to go out with Dc and show them the world - days to steam fairs and miniature railways and the seaside, to petting zoos and farms and soft play. As they grew older to hands on museums and shows. Honestly I think getting drunk until 2-3am loses its charm pretty soon anyway. His friends will start doing the same in the next couple of years.

Have another chat about making friends locally. He needs to realise it's not just about seeing good friends often, it's about having friends who are at the same stage of life as you. Maybe you could be a bit strategic and invite some local families over for Sunday lunch, where you know the dads have similar sporting interests. maybe he could join a local football/rugby/cricket team or tennis club. The gym is okay but it's not very sociable. Team sort would be more fun.

I disagree a bit, I think for some women it can persist or even kick in later on. It depends on your child as well, some babies are sleeping great by three months and others start to go through issues later on. I think the early toddler years were harder for me. Once on the move, it’s relentless.

Either way, the fact he’s jumped to a week to himself isn’t the sign of a mature man whose just looking to have a discussion with his partner about how they can make time for themselves. This is a man who is making time for himself.

The social life you are encouraging for your husband is making some dad friends so they can take the kids to the park. That is depressing.

Absolutely.

I think as a young, city professional, moving from London to a village was just too much change far too soon.

Also - forbidding a trip to Paris for no genuine reason is controlling. A weekend away will not impact your child in any way.

I understand your child is your priority - but so should your marriage be.