DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

She didn’t write all that in her original post.

You’re completely neglecting your husband and relationship. This won’t end well.

Focusing your whole world around another person be it a child or a partner isn’t healthy.

Our role as parents is to help create someone ready to go into the world not attach ourselves to them. @SoCatEs seems to have lost her identity in motherhood which is easy to do and hard to claw back.
Coupled with the fact that she seems incompatible with her partner (indeed you assume the child is keeping them together) it is a perfect storm

Decisions have to be made as to how the future should look because it can’t go on like this

From his perspective, he’s moved house, lost his social circle and his wife is (understandably) almost exclusively focused on the baby. It’s not surprising he’s feeling depressed. He spends most of his time alone. And he wasn’t ready to be a dad. He doesn’t want new dad friends. He misses his old ones and he’s too depressed to do anything other than wallow.

Lots of PPs are being hard on him. Yes, it is really hard for mothers too. Yes, it’s hard for other dads and they don’t all need space. Mums don’t get space. But it’s not a competition on whose life is hardest and for every dad that toughed it out, there’s a dad like my child’s, who walked away from us for similar reasons, and a dad that slides into a really dark place mentally.

OP, I’d let him have the space. Because you can’t force him to stay. You can’t force him to want the life you have. He has to realise he wants it himself.

And I’d think about what compromises you can make to support him. Could you move closer to London so he can see his friends more?

so tell him meet his friends one night after work for drinks

I know things change (i am a woman - had babies!), but you also need to be yourselves too and if it makes him happy spending the odd night out, so be it

you get your fun time (which has now changed and revolves around the child - absolutely fair and fine) but you need to BOTH enjoy non parenting time

either leave the child with someone and go out together, and also be ok with him having time out too
otherwise you will end up drifting apart more and he will resent you

OP your view of parenthood (move to a village, devote yourself to your child, go to bed at 9pm and long walks) is very very limiting and tbh most adults would find it very restrictive and boring. Maybe it was ok for your parents but they’d had 40+ childfree years, maybe they were ready for a quiet life. You and DH are a fair bit younger.

Equally, it would be wrong for DH to expect his life to continue the same as before. And to be fair it doesn’t seem like he expects that. But he ought to be able to keep some aspects of his previous life.

If you want the marriage to last you need to find a middle ground. My suggestion is to move back to London. London is great with toddlers! Consider moving out when DS is a bit older and the space and schools are more relevant. Maybe when he’s 4 or even 6 or 7. And even then, don’t pick a village, find a small town.

I think you are in a nesting phase with DS and you don’t care about anything but your baby but someday you’re going to look up and realise your life has become incredibly small. And DH may have checked out.

Blimey, I can’t believe the pile-on. I really feel for the OP - some of these responses are just downright nasty. Do you think her partner sleepwalked into the move to the village from the city? He had nine months to prepare for the baby and raise any concerns about upping sticks, yet a lot of these posters are acting like she orchestrated the whole thing solo. She doesn’t sound controlling to me just because she settles the baby at 9pm. I have a baby and I have to do the same! As I’m sure many of you did.

She’s a first-time mum, the baby isn’t even a year old, and people are already telling her to get herself back to work? Honestly, some of you should be ashamed. She’s come to this forum asking for help and you’re being spiteful about her childhood and her wishes to create a loving life for her little one. I actually sense some classism from some posters as well, but that’s another rabbit hole entirely…

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to make your baby the centre of your world. Her partner should be supporting her in this season of their lives, not swanning off to an Airbnb for a week because he needs ‘space’. It’s the first year. It’s bloody hard work and tests all couples to breaking point. They need to cut each other some slack. Try and go on a few date nights, prioritise each other, and maybe rethink the lads’ holiday. It probably is all about that - him feeling left out of something important with his mates.

In any case, this lady is clearly trying her best to be a good mum. I wish you all the best OP. Try to communicate with each other, make time for a big talk and ignore some of the vipers on here. an unmumsnetty hug.

It's been 11 months. Not 11 days or even 11 weeks. Not being willing to spend 1 hour apart from your kid to have even just a coffee with your partner in that time is unhealthy. He comes home from work, he spends time with his kid and by the time that is done, OP is in bed.

That's a shit way to live. I don't blame him for being unhappy about it.

I think you haven’t really slotted back into village life. At the moment you are living in a dreamworld paid for at the expense of your joint savings and your dh’s happiness

What happens when reality of village life sets in (limited jobs, limited salary and limited nursery or childminding/wraparound care help) and there are no savings, no husband no dream home because it had to be sold in the divorce and the lifestyle you think you settled into has disappeared

If your dh goes for 50/50 custody you could end up being on your own for half the week

You talk like only you matter. That the only way to make DS the centre of attention is to move to the middle of no where and recreate your family dynamics

You are not your mother

Your dh is not your father

Your DS is not you. Someone who didn’t know any better growing up. Your DS will be exposed to people who aren’t all from the English countryside.

I know it might seem ages away but if your dh divorces you and you stay in the type of area you are in now, How would you feel in 10 years time if your DS turned around and said he wanted to live in London with his father as there are more opportunities, more people, free travel and more independence for him there

Have you discussed with your husband how you plan your life to be? I think he deserves to know if you have no desire to make any changes. The obvious thing would be to move back to a London suburb so he can see his friends more easily but I am not sure you are very well suited as a couple so that might not work. It is hard to prioritise everyone when you are tired and busy. I would definitely suggest not giving up your job when your marriage is not going well - and if you tried a bit of the commuter lifestyle - you may find your empathy for your husband increases a bit.

Massively disagree

I agree. I'd be depressed too if I'd moved to a village when I had a baby... another change on top of all the changes a baby entails. Honestly, his life has changed, and not for the better. Long commute, home by 6.30, rarely seeing his friends, less sex, etc. Of course this happens when a baby comes, but moving away addedcextra loneliness and disconnection.
If you want to save the relationship, I'm afraid you need to make some changes. Can you go back to London, or move somewhere closer, where he can still see his friends? It looks as if you enjoy your mum life and your mum friends, but he doesn't... Discuss it openly with him, and ask ' What do you think we could do to improve things? 'Otherwise, you could end up living alone in your village, by the sound of it.

Do you have friends you frequently see OP? A life outside of being a mum? Do you have a career/job to fall back on if this ends badly? What you said sounds pretty isolating. I would find someone entirely unattractive as a partner if they didn't have their own personality/friends/life and purely relied on their little family unit. To not leave your baby more than an hour sounds mentally unhealthy, and I fully undersand that we all have a built in tendency to parent as we were parented. There is a IG account BigLittleFeelings and I remember one of the two posters talking about how she/her husband alternated one hotel night away a month. She would literally go, have a bath, a glass of wine and watch netflix, but it was something independent. It also shows trust for the partner to be able to watch the children. He is being vulnerable and brave telling you what he needs, he even offered you help to give him the break. Listen hard to what he is telling you.

Wow. So basically he can like it or lump it? You are not even putting his feelings and his wants and needs anywhere in the picture here. He sounds like a good husband and father. It is absolutely not in your son’s best interests for his parents to divorce, so you aren’t even considering your son in this. You are being completely selfish. Your attitude is: ‘this is how I like my life, everything I want to do trumps what my partner wants, he can’t spend quality time with me because my child is everything and he can’t spend time with his friends in case he cheats’. If this were a man doing it to his wife it would be called coercive control. It is nice you’re happy. Your spouse is not. Yes early parenthood can be miserable but also he doesn’t seem unhappy with the parenthood part of it - he is unhappy with a completely empty social life and virtually no relationship with the person he loves. Give your head a wobble OP.

She is also isolating her dh and manipulating him in the hope he loses his friends.

Her dh is clearly trying to make her happy but she spends absolutely no time with him. Makes no effort to save her marriage and is living in a dreamworld which she doesn’t see is about to become her own personal nightmare if she doesn't acknowledge that her actions or lack of actions is leading her down a path which will most likely lead her to a very lonely life and her DS might decide to go live with his df when he is able to choose

There's plenty of men who have 'stepped up' when their wives get pregnant and it was unexpected, he's not some God among men.
I know loads of couples who had unexpected pregnancies and I don't know any man who left his wife over it.

And as I said loads of men say that they find it hard, and there's plenty of men who find it hard but understand that it's just a phase of life, they don't try to get a week off.

There are of course the dickheads who go out and cheat, but men shouldn't be praised for not being dickheads. Maybe that's what he is doing anyway, she said he's always on his phone...now he wants a week off from family life

Either you trust him, or you don’t.

He is craving social connection…your post reads like you’re ok.. but you’re not prepared to let him do the things that will make him feel ok.

Think about that for a bit. He’s struggling.

So you’re going to have at least 3 years off work while he continues working all those years and you’re begrudging him two weekends away in a year? That’s really mean of you, I’m afraid.

While he works, you’re spending time during the day building friendships with mums.

When mine was a baby, I was obsessed with them. Everything I did was only about them. DH had golf. I think it did him a lot of good socialising that way because I wasn’t in the right place to socialise with him as we did before kids.

He bathes DS every day and spends every weekend with obly the two of you, too? No wonder he’s bored, it sounds like he’s had to cut down so much on his socialising.

Reading some of these replies and I'm honestly horrified!!! I can't believe some women and mothers are replying to you with this crap!!. YANBU. The first year is hard! You don't feel yourself, you're so sleep deprived, your whole life changes and it's hard on both of you. It's understandable that you're exhausted and your husband is struggling with the huge changes and disconnect that is so common after having a baby. It is hard! Please don't listen to some of these awful replies, I am stunned any women would say this to a still postpartum new Mum. It might be a good idea for his Mum to come and give you a hand and use that time to spend some time together. Maybe moving forward with trying to carve out some time together. However, unfortunately, having babies does change your lifestyle and that sounds like something your husband has yet to adjust to. Giving him time and just trying to keep that connection is all I can suggest. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and your family

Wow. Talk about catastrophising.

It actually sounds like he has quite a lot of freedom right now. And just to ground this a bit — the first two years of a baby’s life are so important. Around 80% of brain development happens by age two. This is the season the OP is in. It won’t always look like this, and everything that’s being worried about can be revisited when the baby is slightly older and things settle down.

Also, may I remind you how hard it is being a first-time mum? The pressure to get it right from every direction is massive — emotionally, physically, mentally. Most men, when they stop and really think about it, do understand that. I think her partner would if they had a good talk. This isn’t about long-term sacrifice — it’s about short-term priorities during a critical phase.

So yeah, throwing your fellow woman under the bus? Not it. We’ve got enough to deal with without turning on each other.

Also because many posters seem to have forgotten - leaving your career to look after a baby or young child is absolutely not ‘time off’ or a ‘jolly’. It’s tough and tiring and lonely. And so important.

I don’t want to be away from DS, that’s a non-negotiable for me right now and I won’t compromise on that.

If your marriage ends you'll quickly have to learn to be away from DS though - for increasing amount of times as he gets older - potentially for 50% of time in a couple of years. So maybe think about some compromise now - your everything focused on the child idea is quite extreme and not that healthy for anyone.

OP isn’t lonely. Her bloke is.

It looks as if you were brought up by older parents in a rural environment and expected to bring up your child in the same way, with a man almost twenty years younger than your father was when you were born, who had a thriving social life in London... Honestly, your husband 's life has changed for the worse. A life with a London job, cosmopolitan friends, writers, editors, good conversation, versus catching the train to a village to sit alone by 9 pm??
You didn't let him go to Paris a second weekend for your son's sake? Do you think a one-year-old would realise he's missed a weekend with his dad? He'll miss many more if you separate.
You've turned into a mumzilla, he wasn't ready to be a father, and unless there are changes, I don't see your relationship going very far. Do consider moving back to the city, where he can continue with some kind of social life - and definitely do not expect all parents to act like yours did - especially in their early thirties!

You disagree that a marriage can survive or even be happy if one partner has clearly completely checked out of it? OP doesn't want to spend time with her husband, she doesn't care that he is unhappy and given that she doesn't plan on going back to work for 3 years clearly just sees him as a cashcow.

Children need a family to grow up in, not a disfunctional obsessive mother and a unhappy father.