DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

You disagree that a marriage can survive or even be happy if one partner has clearly completely checked out of it? OP doesn't want to spend time with her husband, she doesn't care that he is unhappy and given that she doesn't plan on going back to work for 3 years clearly just sees him as a cashcow.

Children need a family to grow up in, not a disfunctional obsessive mother and a unhappy father.

Just came here as a village dweller to point out we do have nurseries, child minders, and wrap around care.... Some of us even have running water and indoor toilets... The arrogance of Londoners 🤣

I think the thing you are failing to acknowledge here OP is that the state of your marriage and the mental health of your husband directly affects your son. It is not putting your son first to allow your marriage to fail because your husband doesn’t want to create the 1950s rural idyll you recall from your own childhood. You are creating a situation that will have lasting negative impacts on your child. My stepdaughter is in her teens now and her parents split before she was two. The negative effects of the break up on her life gave been immeasurable. If you break up your child loses his secure family unit and stability. You will only see him 50% of the time, and some other woman who doesn’t really love him will have a hand in bringing him up.

I have an almost 3 year old child - from when she was newborn DH and I continued to socialise together, took her on lots of fun holidays and trips around the world and have continued to have our own social and hobbies (obviously not to the extent as before but we both have one night a week for hobbies and usually both also see friends socially once a week. My husband goes on a trip with his friends every six months or so). And I am a pretty devoted attachment mum, I’m still breastfeeding and co-sleeping for example. But I know that, as well as wanting my marriage to last, I don’t want DD to experience what her sister has and so I put the effort into having a nice relationship as well as being a good mum. This is just to say there is not one right way of parenting as modelled by your mum and dad over 30 years ago!

My husband and I moved out of London (he goes in 3 times a week) I am also on extended mat leave (2 years) with an 11 month old.

Don't make any rash decisions whilst baby is this age, someone once told me don’t make any big decisions for the first 18 months of babies life as it’s so intense and different it’s hard to think clearly.

I think his mother should visit but with a mix of him doing things alone and you doing things together. Nobody has looked after my baby yet other than my husband and I so it’s not as unusual as some may say.

We are thinking of moving back to London too, explore options but take your time.

For months I struggled to empathise when my husband was down because I was comparing everything to what I’d gone through (c-section etc) before I realised this is unhealthy and not productive for anyone. Men go through a big life change too and showing understanding and compassion can benefit the whole household. Even if in your head you’re thinking ‘you haven’t gone through as much as me’.

It’s not easy but finding some quality time collectively or individually will help.

Are there any mum friends partners he can meet up with? Or other dad groups locally? I know it’s not Paris but meeting other men in a similar boat could help.

I hope you guys feel better soon

standards are really on the floor if this is what village dwellers have to offer! You get toilets and running water as standard surely, but what else is there culturally that you can’t get in London? There’s obviously going to be things the OP’s husband feels he is missing out on that you are overlooking.

Oh, goodness. I haven't read the full thread - but what is so obvious is that the marriage is in much more trouble than the OP realises.

She is taking it completely for granted that she'll be at home for a few years with babies, living off savings. And communication between them both sounds terrible.

It's very sad, because they both sound like good people who want to do the right thing.

Somebody who needs a lot of stimulation and thrives on travel would struggle to settle in an English country village when they are only just in their 30s.

OP, don't have another baby until you are absolutely sure you and your husband are on the same page.

Also - do reconsider leaving your son with a babysitter. He's coming up to toddlerhood. Children need security, yes, but it's good for them for their parents to be happy.

Think about how hard it would be if he were 2 or 3 years old, and you had to wave him off for weekends and school holidays with his father for much longer than an evening.

This isn't really about who's in the right or wrong, because you are not wrong to want a lovely country life and to be at home in during the baby years. But if your husband has core unmet needs, he won't be able to continue like this. And that's the case even if his needs seem trivial to you.

Also - he won't suddenly settle and 'see sense' simply because you believe strongly that he should. That's not how people work. If he doesn't see that lifestyle as the rewarding and right way to live, then telling him it's good for him won't work.

He may also feel that he can still be a good and involved father while living apart from you.

Yes that's me. I bet she "forgot" to take the pill too and he only "tentatively" suggested an abortion because he was scared of OP (who seems completely irrational to me)

The baby will stop waking in the night at some point and you get your evenings back. He just have to be patient

It does sound as though overall you might both be happier back in London- your husband could socialise in a more casual frequent manner and you wouldn’t be under the same pressure to keep up socially as you perhaps were before you had your son. Your own childhood does sound a bit unusual- do you feel looking back that it prepared you well for adult life, as often a childhood with more independence kind of built in through necessity can really help kids to learn to think for themselves, build connections etc. actually tbh my own childhood had some elements similar to yours, I felt as a teenager quite suffocated- my parents were controlling and it has caused me some problems.
I live in a capital city now, not uk, and when kids were little I did sometimes wish we had the big garden fancy house etc….im really glad now we stayed here as theyre working and at college now, and here there are loads of colleges, work opportunities too, and they can live rent free while they launch….i say bugger the garden, move back to London and throw yourself into it, making mum friends and taking DS to kid stuff at the big museums and parks! Your husband sounds like a decent bloke, if you wanted a life like your parents had you wouldn’t have fallen for him
It’s hard leaving your child the first time or two but you do get into the swing of it and soon start to enjoy it! The awful thing is, you do have to kind of come to terms once your a parent that you just cannot control everything, so much really big stuff is just in the hands of fate and hunkering down in your cottage for the next two decades to try and stop anything bad ever happening is just a really bad strategy…..
Just to add though, I’d say best not to rush into another child till you and dh are sorted- multiple births or special needs etc would add a lot more complexity so don’t risk making things worse till they’re better…

Does anybody other then me get the impression that this baby was, well, NOT an accident?

But it is also OP's choice. She doesn't want to work until her child is 3. It's not a hardship for her so it is effectively a 'jolly' for her, she isn't feeling lonely and doesn't sound like she feels like she's sacrificing anything. It's her preference over parenting on top of full time employment.

Some mothers value the career they've worked so hard for and want to preserve who they are. That's important too. Those mothers are equally good mothers. Some also have no choice and have to work.

I don’t want to be away from DS, that’s a non-negotiable for me right now and I won’t compromise on that.

I guess the thought of the marriage ending doesn’t scare me very much as I’m not sure we act like a married couple at all now and I’m happier than I was (not that I was sad before but I guess a new level of happiness).

She said it herself, she doesn’t want to leave the baby at all, not even to spend time with her husband or talk to him. She doesn’t care if their marriage ends.

I didn't claim for a moment that we have things Londoners don't; I was responding to the multitude of posters assuming that all villages had to offer was shit jobs, no culture, and a lack of decent childcare. And the indoor toilet comment was irony; surely that was obvious?? 🤣

She’s exhausted from night wakings and need sleep to be able to care for their baby the next day. Going to bed the same time as the baby is the solution to this. Soon the baby will stop walking in the night and they’ll have their evenings back. He seems to lack patience and maturity

You seem weirdly determined to have quite a small life. Apologies if that sounds mean but if you proposed this set up to me I’d be gone pretty rapidly and I have 4 kids. They slotted round me. Your DH has also only got one life and he’s not enjoying your version of it.

So he couldn’t take his second trip because it ‘doesn’t seem fair. But you don’t want to do a trip so not really a reason.

Leaving the baby is ‘non negotiable’. That’s not really normal.

He can’t stay out because he has female friends which you’re not comfortable with. But you won’t go out with him.

It appears, and you’ll forgive me for being blunt, that you wanted a baby and to hell with him.

I think you’re rigid and selfish. Your own upbringing isn’t standard by any stretch of the imagination. It’s like something from a 1908 children’s book and so far removed from 2025 as to be ridiculous.

This is YOUR marriage, stop trying to recreate your parents.

I'd use a bit of forethought here and take note of how your DH feels, if it were you that was feeling depressed and lonely, away from all your friends what outcome would you want from your DH?
I expect him telling you to make new one's wouldn't be what you wanted to hear.

You seem to be all about you and the DC, which to a certain extent is fine, but you never seem to spend time with your DH in the evenings so maybe a compromise and let him stay over in London a few nights a month and have some social time with his friends...either that or move back that way.

Wouldn't come as a shock if you separated, doesn't seem like you'd miss him if you're going to bed everynight by 9pm anyway.

Some of these replies are abhorrent. A new Mum looking for advice and posters convincing her she's trapped him, being utterly selfish for not being up for him going on Jollys every other weekend and she should be ashamed of herself for not getting herself together and going to pub with him every night - and that's only the stuff I managed to read before seeing red. What has this forum become.

I think you’re definitely going to have to compromise and readjust your expectations.

oh completely, I’m absolutely not suggesting mums who stay at home are better parents than those who work. I returned to my career. But honestly between my days working long hours in a demanding healthcare job and at home all day with two small children, I think work is easier in lots of ways. I don’t think staying at home full time is the easy option by any stretch.

I’m so glad I read this thread, because I was very like you but my husband didn’t dump me. I’m now realising how lucky I was, as I changed into a completely different person after having children. I gave it my all
and it was so hard, I had no room for anything else.

Sorry I know all this is completely unhelpful to you but I just wanted to thank you for posting this tonight as it has really given me some insight into the last few years and made me grateful we are still together.

I just wanted to wish you all the best and I hope you can work it out x

I find this really sad.

How will you be able to cope when your son starts nursery/school?

That's very good advice from @Lotsnlotsoflove

I partly identify with this situation because I moved to the suburbs of another city to be with my partner - he was a little older. He was settled and working very long hours.

It was a horrible lifestyle change even though there were shops and cafes etc in walking distance 😂

Looking back - we were at different life stages and I was just a fish out of water. I got in touch with everyone I half-knew who lived here to build links. But looking back I just remember the awful loneliness.

I strongly believed in commitment and persistence and that eventually I would settle. I didn't, but I learned to stop expecting.

Looking back, I wouldn't do it again - while we're reasonably content now, it was at quite a cost and caused my partner a lot of unhappiness too.

With respect, have you read all the OP’s posts?

Yes, me. The poor man obviously had no interest in being a father.