DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

To a degree, I would say my husband experienced a bt if the same after we had our first child. Different life and people, as he is not a party guy, not super sociable, and we live semi rural anyway, but I can see reflections of it. He was completely in shock at how his life changed and how our relationship changed. It was compounded by the start of covid too. He suddenly couldnt play tennis 5 x per week and then either go to the pub or play video games til late and roll out of bed the next day for work. Also our first pregnancy was unplanned, we were not married or together long, and none of our friends had kids either.

Im not sure how we got to where we are now... but I hope it gives you a little hope that we did get to a much better place and he has embraced fatherhood. I encourage his sports, about 3 x per week, and do my own sport too. I make an effort with sex even though I would be equally happy reading my book. Could you encourage your husband to spend one night a week in the city? And your baby is old enough now that you might be able to leave with MIL to go on a date.

Bottom line is he will either struggle through or he won't, depending on his mettle. I was lucky that my husband grew to be a devoted family man and he made the decision to get used to his new life.

Realistically I’m not sure this relationship is likely to work long term. He’s a city cosmopolitan type with sociable, multicultural friends who like dinner parties, theatre, foreign travel. And you basically don’t like his friends, don’t like city life, want a quiet small life in a village with just a partner for company and won’t leave your kid for a minute.

I could say move back to London to try to save this marriage, but I’m not sure it’s salvageable and I’m not quite sure why you got married in the first place.

This.

I guess we won’t hear from OP now, she goes to bed at 9 after a thoroughly wonderful SAHM day -
the husband - works f/t commutes into London,
gets home - we are told he does the play / bath / bed
and then must sit on his own, and wonder ….. what the fuck have I done ?
not allowed to go away for a break,
no social life

So she is isolating him.

100% this and he’s being called selfish upthread! Unbelievable.

Is a depressed Dad good for a child's quality of life. There are good schools in lots of places. London pupils do extremely well academically and get better opportunities on the whole. A garden is nice but doesn't trump happiness and there's always parks etc instead. Kids don't need tons of space to play. Kids can play in a box and still be happy. It's the adults around them that make them happy most of the time.

It sounds shit for your partner. Out the house 6.45am ish until 6.15pm. Barely sees you, little physical contact with you or even conversation. He clearly needs friends and they don't live anywhere near.

It's not working so you need to come up with solutions together.

1. Move back to London?
2. Take it in turns to have one weekend a month away with friends/solo?
3. Utilise his mum/other friends or family members so you can have a date night once a week?
4. Can you nap in the day so you don't have to sleep so early?
5. Make time for a physical relationship?
6. Make time to talk?
7. What little touches could rekindle the relationship e.g. a nice voice note in the middle of the day? A hand written note in his pocket? Etc.

And here is the problem . Your baby is almost a year old and you need to work on your marriage.

You may not feel like it but without care it will fail. You don't always feel like getting out of bed to feed your child but you do because you love him and he is worth it. Is your marriage not worth at least a tiny amount of that effort ?

Your husband made some sacrifices about where he chose to live for the sake of your child, as many parents do but he is struggling with this. He is being honest and open with you and has said he misses time with just you and with his friends. Why not at least addess the time with you? You may need to very occasionally prioritise your marriage. Your child will be fine for one night with your mother. Or if you really cant contemplate overnight , how about a weekly evening date or even every 2 weeks evening ? Maybe working up to an overnight stay in a hotel for both of you when your ds is a bit older. Meet time halfway

OP this is really wise advice. I have a friend in a similar situation - her ex had an affair and left her when her son was very young.

He's now married to the OW and they have children. His career has gone from strength to strength and he lives a very nice life with his new wife and family, whilst my friend has really struggled.

She's then had to deal with the emotional impact of having to spend half the week away from her son. To have to paint on a smile when he comes home talking about his sisters and step mum. To be interested and enthusiastic when he talks about the lovely time they've all had doing theme park visits and holidays abroad, when she's struggling just to pay the bills. Having to put a happy face when it's his turn to spend Christmas with his Dad and she'll be on her own.

She's child focused and wants the best for her son. And she doesn't want him to feel torn between two parents and their separate homes, and she wants him to have a good relationship with his dad. So she doesn't ever let on that she hates letting him go, hates having to hear him talk happily about the woman that helped to break up her marriage. That she's devastated that she only had the one child as she wanted a large family, but by the time the dust had settled on the divorce it was too late for her.

My friend didn't have any choice; her ex had an affair and left. He'd kept it well hidden and she had zero idea that he was unhappy. In your case you are getting loud and clear warning bells and it sounds like you have a chance to try and save your marriage. Is this what you want to have to face?

Why do you think its normal to be so reliant on your partner for your own happiness?

Seems needy.

If OP were my daughter I'd be telling her to grow up and to stop being so controlling.

Wow. I'm shocked at some of the comments on here. I think OP is being judged very harshly. Since when is one partner responsible for the others happiness - that is so unfair. Presumably moving to a village was a joint decision. OP made the effort to make friends. DH has not made any effort to meet anyone and thrown himself a pity party, clinging on to his old life. Problem is all of his friends are much younger than him (not interested in his DS or in having kids) so he js the first to have kids. It's not all on OP to make DH happy, he is an adult and should be responsible for his own happiness - and suggesting solutions. If he misses his friends (who quite frankly sound like they don't give a sh*t about him - cant be bothered to see him or take an interest in his DS) then he should schedule in time to see them regularly. But he should also have envisaged this might happen with him moving away. I think its poor show that he's not even willing to consider trying to make new friends in his village.

OP YABU here in many ways.

I don’t get you saying he can’t do to Paris. Doesn’t sound like he does much socialising. You have one kid you can cope on your own for a couple of nights, meanwhile he is filling his cup up and coming back hopefully happier. I find this very controlling of you and if it was the other way round I’m sure people would be saying it’s a red flag.

You sound like you have heightened anxiety around your little one - why do you need to be seconds away from her? That can’t last forever. I get it, I’m an anxious mum too and to be honest I couldn’t go away to a different country from my kids yet. But to not even want to go out for a few hours of an evening is over the top. Have you considered you might have post natal anxiety, might be worth a chat with your GP.

You say your MIL doesn’t know your routine - she never will if you don’t give her chance. Write it down and head out. If she doesn’t follow it then it also doesn’t really matter, as long as baby is fed, dry and looked after with love and kindness that’s all that matters. Honestly with my first born I was obsessed with babysitters following the routine but by your second you really don’t care as much. And either way you need to give people a chance to learn how to look after your little one.

You love your new life and DH hates it, that’s the crux of it. He’s right, he doesn’t need new friends, he needs more time with his old friends. Either you work out together a decent compromise or you call it quits. But you’ll have to be prepared to hand over your DD for 50% of the week every week, and given you won’t leave her for more than 30 mins currently I think you would struggle with this.

He isn’t being reliant on her though, he’s clearly said he misses his friends ie he wants his friends to be his social outlet. He hasn’t even raised the abstinence with OP.

Some of these comments are so harsh! I didn’t leave my babies with anyone other than my DH in the first year. That’s a really personal choice, and especially if you’re breastfeeding and have a baby who doesn’t sleep is very normal.

In my recent experience the first year of being new parents changes your relationship massively and any cracks will show. I totally relate to not wanting to leave baby and the 9pm bedtimes. I didn’t socialise on an evening unless friends came to us until my DS was close to 2. I get that to some that’ll seem ridiculous but to me it felt instinctively right. My DH also found it a hard adjustment at times but his lifestyle and friends lifestyles weren’t so radically different as your DH’s sound. I’d suggest as your DS moves into his second year, making some compromises that works for you both and prioritise your relationship where you can? Maybe some day dates without your DS? DH staying in London with friends one night per week? Having mutual friends round for dinner or to stay for the weekend? Holidays together with friends? I find things like this really fill up our cups and make a difference to well being and feelings of burn out.

Essentially I think that while yes becoming first time parents means your relationships takes a bit of a back seat, you do need to try to compromise and understand the others perspective. And carve out those little pockets of time where you can. Good luck OP.

I absolutely don’t think anyone should be reliant on others for happiness

what is happening here is that he is not permitted to have friends / a social life outside of working hours and weekends and evenings must be spent with the baby -

that is making him reliant on his missus, who is not there for him - she’s in bed, reading or swanning about in village life !!!

Aaannnd the same here.

He was ‘depressed’ wanted to go out with his friends ALL the time. Accused me of being anti social ( l wasn’t)

In reality he couldn’t adapt to a child. And he went when he was 18 months old.

There's a difference between your chdren being your total love and world and being unable to leave them at 11 months old for a couple of hours with trusted love ones.

Good parents also let their children form identities outside the mother-child. By this point you and DS are securely bonded. A few hours so you and DH can have some you time is also important, the sooner you start the better.

Abd finally, with care, OP you are not being rational, at all. Are you sure you are as happy as you say?

Agreed, people are accusing her of trapping him into having a baby and forcing him to move to a village and she should be prioritising her marriage and her poor, poor husband because she does all the nights and so goes to bed early! How dare she! That poor man.

Honestly. This man saying he’s depressed and needs a week off… I’ll eat my hat if it’s a brand new thing that’s the wife’s fault.

Teach her your routines respectfully. Write them down.
Let your home run on a system. I'm also wary of who I leave my kids with, but as long as I'm sure they're in safe hands. I just tell them the do's and don'ts. Build a system around your home.
You can let your husband go first for a day or 2 while you familiarise your MIL with your routines and go and join your husband where he is you guys should have alone time.

You have someone willing to help, accept the help gracefully.

Like I said in my earlier comment, if your husband is a good man, make efforts to treat him right, it's easier to fix a good marriage that is shaky than to discard it and try building all over again.

I don't think you're been unreasonable, you just need to be a little more open minded, tweak things here and there, shift grounds, shift grounds please. The grounds you're not willing to shift in marriage, you'll shift it in divorce by kilometers, and have you seen the dingb*ts out there parading themselves as men? Plenty irresponsible lots. I forbid that for you in Jesus name though.

And i think you guys need to have sex more, have more spontaneous sex🤣😂it diffuses tension. Lack of regular let unnecessary tension build up in the atmosphere.

Sorry but this sounds awful for your DH. I can’t understand why you woundnt let him go to Paris a second time. A weekend away a couple of times a year isn’t too much to ask, on condition of course that he would allow the same for you if you wanted to. I think it’s sad when people think they have to lose themselves completely when they have kids. In my opinion it is really important to maintain a life outside of being a parent and continue to see friends and have hobbies and interests. One thing that stood out was you saying he can just make new dad friends. As if it’s that easy when he is working full time. As he said he already has plenty of friends that YOU are afraid to let him see as half of them are women. You sound super controlling to be honest.

If you follow your parents example of family life you will be a divorcee within the next 2 years. Your life sounds boring. Your DH’s life even more so.

Youve made some friends to hang out with at baby groups during the day and have had your fill by 9pm so have given up.

You need to get over this idea that you cannot leave ds with a babysitter or MIL. It’s bloody ridiculous and will destroy your marriage. He will be fine. You could do the bath and bed and go out at 7pm. Head to the local pub for dinner and still be home by 10pm. Invite some of your new friends and their husbands.

Your DH needs to make an effort with your local friends so he can hang out with them. Go for bike rides on a weekend morning. Or a few drinks in the pub one evening.

Your whole being doesn’t need to revolve around your child.

You know, there was a long post recently about posters saying things like kindly, gently, etc. doesn’t come across well. I thought it was a bit unfair because I’ve used it before when being well-meaning. But seeing how you’ve used it here to call this poster irrational, I think they have a point.

We’re not diminishing her, if anything op is diminishing her husband - his wants and needs (and I’m not just referring to sex here). Poor sod seemed to have gone along because he loves her, whereas the way op writes about him and her the life she now has, it seems like she used him.

The OP is irrational.