DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

The more you write OP, the more sympathy I have with DH I'm afraid.

I'm surprised you even got married, you don't like his friends, you didn't like his job, you don't like going out late.

All this has culminated in a move to a village where you have everything you want and DH has nothing. He doesn't even get his wife to chat to on the sofa of an evening because you've gone to bed!

The kind of stifling lifestyle isn't going to keep your marriage intact. Your DH has done more than most in telling you he's unhappy - he's giving you a chance to fix it here.

Did you not talk at all about your expectations of family life before you got married and had a child?

It sounds like you grew up in a nice community but its easy to be overly nostalgic or try too hard to recreate your childhood.

Still alive, still seem quite happy, still do everything with each other.

He could be lonely. I suspect that it's not easy to slot into village life, many have problems with "incomers", and he's commuting. I doubt there's a hobby or activity for him there.

No you're parents were odd. You were raised in a peculiar environment. It's too late for you perhaps but your child will have a normal parent 50% of the time.

I don’t recall them ever going out to socialise without me.

But op surely you would have realised how unusual this is from tv shows, talking to friends at school etc? Being a teenager and going to a friends after school/the evening & their dad heading out to play tennis or their mum having a friend over?

@SoCatEs

did your parents ever go to the gym, go to exercise classes, or play sports?

Yes I would be really curious to know this, too.

Did they have you later in life? Your attitude seems very old fashioned.

I feel very confused about why it wouldn’t be “fair” on your 11 month old to miss out on a weekend with his dad so your DH could have had time away. It’s one weekend in the grand scheme of life! This is all so strange - I’m not sure an 11 month old will care! Of course there’s elements of DH’s life that need to (and have) change now he’s got a baby but this all sounds very unfair and boring for him.
To be honest the fact he asked you about an abortion when you were in your 30s and married says it all really.
You don’t sound compatible particularly when you describe his friends wanting to do interesting stuff as “relentless”.

Clearly the rural idyll you grew up in wasn't perfect - as you moved to London, and have said that you are closer to your MIL than your own parents.

You are getting valuable warning signs from your H that he's not happy. And his unhappiness is not unreasonable. Think about what you have to lose.

If you get divorced, will you be able to afford to stay in the village and house where you are? Or will you have to sell up and move somewhere smaller and potentially rent?

He sounds like an involved father who will want to see his son. Are you prepared for spending EOW and a midweek evening, as a minimum, on your own without your son - or potentially 50% of the time? Including every other Christmas?

You have settled in to village life and your Mum friends. How confident are you that they'll be available to see you when you're on your own, because your son is with your Ex for half the week? Are you going to be as fulfilled spending time with them at soft play when you're the only one there without a child? What about the evenings when you're feeling lonely - are you confident they'll be happy to leave their kids at home to come to the cinema or for a drink with you - or will they be too busy because it's family time and they'll be wanting to go to bed at 9pm?

Are you happy that you have enough financial security to be able to continue to stay at home? Or will getting divorced mean that you need to go back to work and now also have to worry about juggling childcare and your working hours as a single parent?

If none of the above fazes you, then fair enough. But have a think through and consider whether you are REALLY that unfussed about the possibility of your marriage ending, when you consider the implications for you and your child.

Are they autistic?

Honestly? No, we went on long family walks on Saturdays and Sundays, always walked to school/church which was a good 40 min walk each way but I don’t recall them ever playing sports.

Are you from a very traditional, perhaps very religious background?
It's unusual for adults not to have a social life beyond their children.

Yes they were 43 and 47 when they had me. I guess it is quite old fashioned.

If you’re still reading OP, this is great advice.

He's struggling to adjust but depressed or not you're right, ultimately he's going to have to suck it up, your child isn't going anywhere. The way you've told this it doesn't sound like he's sharing his struggles with you, it sounds like he's blaming you and putting them on you. This is called being in the trenches for a reason - it's fucking hard going at times.

Going out with his friends once a fortnight sounds reasonable. It wouldn't be reasonable for him to write off every second weekend by going out and spending the next day hungover. He's got responsibilities whether he likes it or not and whatever he does, that's got to be the centre of it.

@SoCatEs

wow! Their lives sound sooooooooo dull.
do you really expect your husband to wanna live like that??

Yes DH takes DS to the park alone most Saturdays for 30min/45 min.

I think more Cherchez le bébé. OP got what she wanted: basically a child before her DH was ready for that massive life change. She is now avoiding DH (e.g. skipping to bed at 9pm, knowing he's late home because of the work commute) in favour of the child-who-cannot-be-left-for-an-hour.

DH is not allowed time elsewhere in case he has too much fun, because at some level she knows he married her, not Stepford Mum, and lo and behold he's ended up with someone he wasn't expecting, or at least not so soon and not so irretrievably.

He seems to be doing his best but OP, sorry, I think it's only fair to let your DH go. You don't seem to love him or care about his life, you just seem to want him in place to service yours.

You dont have to understand it. There's plenty of people who do this move and are happy with it.

Parenting is about compromise, no not all decisions revolve around the kids - we live in the countryside and its absurd to think we all behave that way. You cannot do as your parents did - you’re DH is begging you to listen. It cannot be your way/ your parents way or no way!!

Jesus christ I would have been bored shitless if every decision put the kids in the centre of my world -and I would be fairly boring too! You have DH and other relationships you need to nurture. Your romantic concept of bringing up children in the same way as your Mum and Dad will backfire because your partner doesn’t want this.

It is reasonable to put each other first sometimes, its reasonable to want adult relationships, its reasonable to have date nights, its what makes us better parents. One night out a couple of times a year is not going to hurt your child, but if you don’t it will hurt your marriage.

I worked, we had some date nights, or afternoons out for lunch or to go to the cinema, I went out with friends for dinner. My kids still had support with all their homework, they went to sports clubs, brownies, cubs, scouts, music clubs, youth club, we have holidays doing kids stuff every year. However the time spent with my DH and the compromises we made were important.

Your DH is as important as you in this relationship, he is also important to your DS.

You were raised by parents like that but yet you say your MIL is much more helpful than they are?

They are older than MIL and live much further away, that’s all.

children shouldn’t become the single and only priority. Yes they have needs which should ne taken care of but you’ll soon also need to be a person in your own right as well
as a mum. You’ve become a mum and dismissed also being you, and a wife in Your own right. Im Not surprised your dh is not happy with his life now - it sounds like you totally dismiss him, ( and not allowing him to go away - i mean come on he’s an adult and can go if he wants! ) and being in bed at 9 means he gets zero adult relationship with you. This is perfectly rife for an affair - of course he’d get the blame but it’s also partly you.

he’s telling you quite clearly he wants his wife and partner back - you should start listening