DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

Also agree with this advice, OP. Some really good points to think about.

'Maybe it’s just me but I believe when you have children you commit to them fully'

Yes but you also need to invest in your relationship or you'll lose it very soon.

So he’s moved away from his friends, has a biggish commute to work and back every day, baths baby when he comes home, makes dinner/does bedtime every other night, and takes baby to the park while you get some peace, then from 9pm he’s bored and alone - when does your DH actually get to do what he wants to do? Yes, when you have a baby the baby takes priority, but that doesn’t mean that DH comes bottom of the pile forevermore. I think you were a bit unreasonable for stopping him going on the second Paris trip tbh and I’m not surprised he’s feeling down. Having a baby is such hard work in those early years and you need to prioritise some time for yourselves too (as a couple, and separately).

so how can you cope with that but not leaving your child with mil for a few hours ?

I agree with this, and I believe it's a mistake to make children feel they are the center of anyone's universe. They need role models who are actually accomplishing things and finding passionate and productive ways to spend their lives.

I am acquainted with a woman who has three kids; she's also a noted physician-researcher who not only sees patients and runs a laboratory, but who speaks at conferences, fundraises for biomedical research and writes papers AND runs a farm AND participates in a number of fitness activities such as running and yoga, mutliple times per week. She also plays the piano at an expert level.

Not all of us have that sort of energy and brainpower but her kids are thriving, smart, involved in all sorts of activities themselves,and very savvy about how the world of medicine, research and science works. They also are resourceful and self-sufficients tweens.

They're probably burned out. No gas left in the tank after years and years of total subjugation of every part of their own lives to the (perceived) needs of the family unit.

I don’t know it’s very different when it’s DH, 3 minutes away at the bottom of the road, where I could be there in a second if they needed me. Compared to say going out for dinner and leaving DS with MIL who doesn’t know the routine etc.

That makes sense your parents were ready for a quiet life. Thank you for answering. I would try and find a compromise where you don't have to give up what you love and he gets a little social life now and then.

Do you think you might have some anxiety OP?

Date night once a week where you get a babysitter and stay out late with your husband.

Discuss moving back to London and see if you can find an area to live that works for both of you.

Or you split up and DH has the baby with him in London EOW, and you get a job and stay in your village.

I think you have to decide.

Most people just shut up about their burden. This guy is banging on about it and OP isnt sure where she stands. It wouldn't have done me any good at 21 to be constantly moaning about the loss of my freedom. I just had to get on with it.

Your parents chose their life together and both I assume were happy? Or did one adjust more than another?
You must have realised DH had a different upbringing? Well I assume he did as yours was I think less usual than many. Why though assume your parents’ way is the only one that must be followed?
You also said that your family isn’t involved but his Mum is great - so your DH mum must have some qualities despite probably not being quite the same as your parents- and your DH has mainly stepped up too - her way can’t have been all bad.
Tbh I was surprised when marrying at 20 (I know!) at some of the ways brought into our marriage I’d never come across but also wouldn’t have wanted just to replicate my parents’ marriage either and actually could never do so as I’m not my mum and I didn’t want to marry my dad!
I’m not sure why you ever lived in London really let alone married this man. You can’t just assume that you’ll turn into your parents once your child arrives. Is there nothing you’d even think of doing differently? Your thinking on this is a bit rigid but explains a bit why you’re frustrated at your husband wanting different stuff - maybe you need to talk about how you envision your lives together and see if there’s compromise- a good way to try breaking with your parents’ traditional ways occasionally?

But you can raise kids in London....

I think you will find that as your son gets older your friends will not always want him in tow when you are socialising. When my children were young, we of course did things with other families. But sometimes the mums all went out together and sometimes the dads did or we socialised as couples occasionally if we could all get babysitters. It did us all good to have time just as adults from time to time.

OP, you are not going to do you child any favours by them being the single and only priority. Especially at the expense of your marriage and the family unit. I feel very sorry for your husband as you seem quite inflexible and unfeeling.

Honestly I think two things have come out from this. Firstly, by modern standards your parent’s lives were quite insular and will be considered unusual as a result. I’d say their lifestyles are quite extreme and you won’t find many men your age wanting that in 2025.

But secondly and more importantly, you got with a man who does not want the lifestyle that you romanticise. You chose a man who loves the city, night outs and friends…to live the polar opposite life with you. It doesn’t make sense.

Fair enough, you were raised to think such a lifestyle is normal, but you both are incompatible if he feels depressed with it.

You need a man who has a similar outlook to life as you do. He’s likely realising how incompatible you are but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by breaking up with you just yet. It’s likely why he hasn’t raised the lack of sex, he doesn’t want to look like the bad guy or like he’s pressuring you to change. He’s possibly more of the thought that splitting up is on the table as opposed to anyone having to compromise on their ideals.

Please don't be so offensive.

Maybe it’s just me but I believe when you have children you commit to them fully, they become the singular priority and every decision made should have a positive impact on them. Yes it may not be exactly how you want things but if it’s best for the child that’s what happens.

I think this is quite dishonest. It really doesn’t sound like you have given up anything you wanted for the sake of your child. You didn’t enjoy busy London life or your DH socialising a lot. All the decisions you have taken have fitted with your own wants, unless I’m missing something?

Your mil doesnt need to understand and follow a routine for one evening! They just need to make sure baby is safe and looked after !

it’s their grandchild , they’ll be fine !

Your DS isn’t a week old anymore, if you love and trust mil couldn’t you even pop to the pub for a drink for an hour (there must be a local village one), yes you will ‘worry’ 🙄about DS but I think it’s time to suck it up and put your DH first for a change (start slowly), stay up past 9pm go out for a walk together whilst MIL has baby, go to the pub for and hour whilst MIL babysits. You aren’t doing your relationship or your DS any favours with the way you are controlling everyone around you.

you are not your parents and the way they brought you up isn’t of the norm!

I'm sorry but what's most obvious to me from this isn't even anything to do with the friends -- your husband misses you! Presumably he's your best friend, since you married him? If I never saw my husband because he went to bed at 9pm every night, I'd be depressed as shit too!

@SoCatEs
All this post. Also you said your baby was unplanned so I suspect your DH wasn’t ready to be a father.
I would go back to work as a safety net as your relationship sounds a bit rocky. You need to get some time alone as a couple to reconnect.
Can you try to stay up a bit later in the evenings to spend time together. If your baby is not sleeping well could you nap when he does so you’re not so tired.
Life is tough when you have babies and small children and you have to be alert to dangers of your relationship changing so much it can’t survive.

but yoi haven't allowed her have you ? does she visit often ? do you allow her to feed go for walks push buggy etc. she raised yoir husband so she can't have done a shite job (unless your going to come back with a back story of abuse etc)
I really don't know how you have got 11 months without needing to leave baby for a few hours. any hospital appointments? beauty or hair appointments? lunch with friends even to go shopping without having a buggy with you. some me time

Having read your updates I think your husband would leave if he saw the contents of this post. It’s like you care less about him than you would about some stranger in the street!

I just find that so sad. You don't stop being "you" and having your own hobbies, friends and interests just because you've chosen to have a child.