DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

Gosh your childhood and your current life sounds so stifling. Did you unilaterally make the decision to quit work and stay off for a few years?

I disagree that every decision should be for your child. What’s good for my child is two happy healthy parents who have lives and interests and social networks outside of the home, some which he is a part of and some not but that mean we have the child support village around us and enough independence that we don’t lose our identities.

Why on earth would you want to replicate such a stifled, insular life?

He needs to understand this is just a phase, it's nothing in the big picture of a normal lifespan.
He also needs to accept that having a child is - liberally- life changing. You're early 30s so wasn't going to possible to delay much longer anyway. It's not like he's 20? He's had a decade of adult freedom ffs. Sorry not helpful OP, but he is being silly and self-indulgent.

But what did your parents do for themselves? Did they literally not have friends? Did your dad not play his violin in a string group or amateur orchestra? Didn't your mum ever go out for a glass of wine with the other brownie helpers of an evening? No book clubs, or regular exercise with friends, or just dinners with other adult friends where you had a babysitter or grandma came to look after you?

I mean what did they do with themselves once you'd grown up and weren't there for their lives to revolve around

No we have some savings so I will be taking a couple of years out, probably until DS is 3 unless we have more children.

I think you might need to revisit this. If your husband decides he wants to separate (which actually looks increasingly likely reading your posts), I suspect you will need to sell the house and secure an income of your own.

Errr....no. That would leave most people bored.

Where is the conversation, interests, new ideas and experiences? I'm 60 and live in a village, but that routine would bore me senseless.

As a single mum, living in a village, I used to take ds to the local theatre and to live music in a sling. I used to run parkrun with ds in a buggy. As a toddler ds had a seat on my bike which he loved. During summer evenings, we were always out, pub gardens or supper picnics.

Now the evenings are darker, invite all his friends for the weekend. Cook a huge chilli for Friday night, arrange for your dh & all his mates to run the local park run on Saturday morning, then out to lunch after.

Work as a team to rebuild your social life

This man child needs to grow up and realise he has an actual child. Men are infuriating. I swear down that all my friends have had EXACTLY the same experience post having children. Sending you patience and best wishes. He will grow up eventually.

I suggest you and baby go back to this idyll. Sell the house and call it quits.

I really, really struggled with the first year of parenting. I felt like I had lost myself and had no idea how to live this new life of 'mum' after spending all my time going for drinks, dinner, clubs etc until my early 30s. I had so much freedom then suddenly i didnt. So I see where he is coming from. I personally didn't feel like our new lives had to revolve around our child though. We were still people who existed outside of 'parents' so we would take turns going to the gym, or going out with friends, or using babysitters for date night. Spending time together and being a strong unit was equally as important as being a parent for us. You both seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum on this so think you need to sit down and find a way to meet in the middle

Definitely get his Mum over and go and have a night away in a nice hotel. Doesn’t have to be far Your DS will be fine and good bonding time for Granny. Shag each other’s brains out. Sometimes you need to put yourselves first. Don’t let being a mother be your only personality.

No wonder he’s depressed. He was in London three days a week with home commute and Work comes home and you want to be in bed by 9 pm. No staying up for a chat glass of wine couple time you’ve constantly got the baby Velcroed to you and you’ll let him take it to the park for half an hour. You’re not acting like a couple like a partnership I like what’s happened is having the baby has magnified fundamental differences you didn’t put it like London he really did you have no misgivings a bit moving back to village. He doesn’t like living in a village, your plan is not to return to work and obviously expect him to keep working full time to finance this. Your template for family life that you experienced as a child is very insular and working in activity in your scenario. The whole core is at home not externally depending on others for social stimulation or contact. You’ve not allowed anyone else to take the baby and you have baby attached to you constantly. Your husband is the bit part actor . your template for sedentary life is not compatible with his preferences for family life

you’re way too controlling of him if he wants to go to Europe with his friends songs to give you adequate notice and that’s actually fine.

You seem quite blasé about the marriage ending the reason his mum‘s coming over as he’s most likely hard I canned conversation with her and told her that he doesn’t feel that the marriage is working and she’s trying to save a patch up or have an observation of what’s going on

The way you write about your husband makes me wonder if you ever actually liked him or had anything in common . Currently he’s the guy who pays for stuff He’s the guy who you’re helping though financial being a housewife for the next couple of years and potentially have another child with you. I would advise not to have another child in a already working marriage

Finally do not give up Work you’re in precarious relationship at the moment. Doesn’t seem that you both have anything in common. You don’t write as if you actually like him You need to maintain your career for your own stability and sanity.

This.

One years old is more than old enough to be looked after by someone else for a while.

if you really haven’t been apart from him in all that time it must be very difficult for you and your husband. When you are with your child, inevitably, your focus will be on them above everyone else.

if it’s been like that for the last year - that us tough on everyone.

Hes trying to find someone to excite him and do something spontaneous. Whats your take on open minded sexual desires @SoCatEs

I suspect your parents were/are not the norm. No matter though, nothing necessarily wrong with wanting to replicate your own upbringing and your parents' style of childrearing.

However, you should have made damn sure you married someone who was on the same page with you on that thinking. It sounds like you've married someone who is fundamentally incompatible with you and now you expect him to make all the compromises and you, none.

Mmm tricky.

He asked you to abort despite you guys being married and being in your 30s

Now he's sad he cant live a single life

He doesnt get to go have space for a week - are you getting a week away? Are you hell. But you could try doing something away from the baby together? (The baby is nearly one - you do have to leave them for longer than an hour at some point). Or he gets a weekend day for his stuff fortnightly, and you get a weekday for your stuff fortnightly - how you both spend it is up to you.

Be proactive now OP because it wouldn't be hugely surprising if there was a woman on the periphery

DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up.

Also adding this as it got my spidey senses tingling when I first read it but the more read your updates...did you help speed up the timeline?

You said you had discussions about kids, you knew he wasn’t ready so soon - he even mentioned abortion, but you were ready and tired of the London lifestyle.

My mum had friends but for the most part I only recall her taking me with her to see them and their children, my mums friends children all became some of my best friends. My parents didn’t drink at all and my dad was similar he’d take me to see his brother once a week and I’d play with my cousins. I don’t recall them ever going out to socialise without me.

Can I ask op have yoi ever left your child with your husband in his own either? like you gone out for an hour shopping or hair done or he brings baby for a walk ?

Are you ok, OP? This update makes it sound like you don't care if it's over or not. But you're also talking about taking 3 years out and having another child. These things don't sound terribly compatible.

If that works for a very compatible couple, OP, then great. But you and your DH don't seem that compatible. If you love each other anyway and want to make it work then you have to make the best situation you can in compromises.

I was under the impression this was pretty standard for families who weren’t living in cities.

DH and I live rurally. I go out once a fortnight and for nights away. DH and I go on mini breaks. We stay up til almost midnight a lot to maximise our time together.

DH has lots of French/Swiss/Italian/German friends who all seem to think that children should just slot into the parents life which is where I’d guess his views are coming from.

I hate to use the word 'weird', but I think you've got some weird, black and white views. Life is a balance.

I’m sorry @SoCatEs I almost always think the men in these stories re being pathetic and need to step up but you are being entirely unreasonable. You hve made him change his job because you didn’t like that it involved socialising, don’t want him going out with his friends as some of them are women and he might cheat (psa, if he’s going to cheat this won’t stop him) & have basically made him give up the life he loved for a kid he didn’t even want.

He has stepped up, done the job change, the move to a village, the involved de but you want him to have an entire personality transplant or just give up everything he enjoys just because you have a kid. That is neither healthy nor likely to support your marriage in the long run. If you love him then you need to compromise too, if you don’t then I feel bad for the guy that you just expected him to change everything about himself- he is not a supporting character to you/ DS, he is a person who is unhappy and trying to do the right and healthy thing but talking to you before he breaks.

You say you rent bothered about your marriage ending, but unless you are independently wealthy you will not be able to continue with your rural idyl if it does, so reconnect with your husband and look for some meeting in the middle.

Wow...are your parents still alive? Can we get them out of the Truman Show?

What else is supposed to do other than sit on his phone if he gets home from work just in time to wave his wife off to bed? Doesn’t mean he’s cheating, just lonely.

That's so, so sad.

Ok you have had an upbringing that isn’t the norm I would say. When you have kids they are your priority in terms of you do all you can to love, feed, support, teach etc etc them. But I am a firm believer in that you have to have your own life too, both as a couple and as a person.

i adore all of my kids and as they have got older have become great friends, but i have always still made time for nights out with my friends, trips away and time with my husband away from the children too.

i am normally on the side of most of the women in MN but your DH sounds so miserable and you are telling him how he should feel, and how things should be according to your own expectations.

i really feel for him, he has told you how he feels and has spoken to his mum which is actually great as a lot of men would bottle this up then one day just leave.

you made the choice that it wasn’t fair on your DS for him not to have his dad for the weekend so he could go away with friends. Come on op, the guy is struggling and at one year old I don’t think you DS will care, but what he will care about is a mentally present happy dad, not one that is either just going through the motions or has completely checked out.

you do need to cut him some slack and maybe try and stay up one night past 9pm and watch a movie or something as at least a start!