DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

That sounds like a living death. It’s not often I feel sorry for the husbands on here. But you’re succeeding in making me feel really sorry for your husband. Just get divorced and stop using him

Maybe it’s just me but I believe when you have children you commit to them fully, they become the singular priority and every decision made should have a positive impact on them. Yes it may not be exactly how you want things but if it’s best for the child that’s what happens.

I think a lot of women make this mistake. Yes, your child has to be a priority. But if you only relate to each other as mother and father, your relationship will suffer and possibly fail.

You sound like you have thrown yourself into motherhood to the exclusion of everything else. And incidentally have gotten everything you want because you did not love your life in London. He has made all the compromises and is stuck feeling lonely and ignored.

I had less sympathy for him before your updates. Now I think you are in the wrong here, and need to be putting some energy into your relationship before you lose it.

I'm sorry but OP your view of life as a parent sounds very extreme and a bit miserable!

I live in a commuter village probably very similar to where you live and we have lots of couple friends who have preschool kids and babies. Everyone goes out and travels into London to see friends while the other half looks after the kids. Or their parents babysit. I've had a few holidays without DC as have most of my friends and their DHs. Also most of us were back at work at least part time after a year.

Wow. Every update of yours makes it worse. What a boring life your parents led!

Not loving your ridiculous stereotyping of European families, either. We don't make children slot into our lives; we embrace them and children are welcomed everywhere. Even after 9pm.

Just because your parents were happy with that life he’s not.

Me and dh are not very social so it works because we are alike. But we still spend time together alone, we stay up and communicate in the evenings watching movies or gaming. We go to bed together at a mutual time. We still have dates. We are intimate.

Right now your dh has compromised on everything in his life and doesn’t even get a hug by the sounds of it.

His being treating like his just the pay check. Come home does a couple of hours with baby, baby goes bed, you go bed. His alone.

Wont leave baby for a date, don’t want him to have a trip with his mates.

Youd fit right in with the village lady on the other thread everything is the village. You just want him to make new friends in the village. One of us. His not.

Oh dear OP.

No, none of that is even remotely normal.

You need to stop controlling and stifling your husband. It's not okay.

What do you want him to do fall asleep in the armchair with his slippers on. You have a young son teach him about the world outside of your tiny village. His friends sound interesting I don't get it.

So why did you marry him then, if you have such different values?

There is a real sense of arrogance and superiority from your post - that your way is the best way, and he just doesn't know any better.

If being at home and 100% focused on the kids 24/7 is vitally important to you - and I'm not suggesting that there's nothing wrong with that - then why did you choose to settle down with a man who appears to have a different view of life?

Saying 'you can raise kids in London, you know' is far too simplistic. It wasn't in connection to OP's financial situation, which we don't fully know. Saying that moving was to get a garden does imply it wasn't affordable in London however.

Maybe it’s just me but I believe when you have children you commit to them fully, they become the singular priority and every decision made should have a positive impact on them. Yes it may not be exactly how you want things but if it’s best for the child that’s what happens.
Growing up I was never away from my parents other than school, my mum was a TA so around any time I wasn’t at school. My dad never really went to the pub or out with friends, he came home every night and both my parents were in bed by 9pm, even when I was a teen and up later than them!
I was under the impression this was pretty standard for families who weren’t living in cities.

Omg no this is not normal. Didn't your parents have any friends or hobbies?

My parents lived in a small town/large village. They prioritised my siblings and I's needs but absolutely had their own full lives! My mum worked as a teacher did exercise classes with friends and regularly saw them or they'd come to the house. My dad played raquet sports with friends, went to the pub once a week.

You don't cease to exist as a person in your own right just because you become a parent. A child has two parents, you should each get the time for seeing friends/hobbies.

Tbh op I'm 100% seeing why your DH feels depressed if thats the life you want him to embrace.

Of course as I got older I had sleepovers but the first time I spent a night away from my parents I think I must have been 9?
I did dance lessons after school, brownies where my mum was one of the leaders and my dad taught me to play the violin so I didn’t lack hobbies.
We had a large rural house so most of the time friends came to ours as we had a treehouse, large play room etc.

I mean for once a man is trying to step up when he wasn't even sure he wanted a baby in the first place and has vocalised his unhappiness at finding it hard rather than leaving or jumping into another woman's bed.

Who is going to pay for this village life when he leaves you? You don’t even sound too fussed if he does? Being a new mum is great, you get sucked into a baby bubble and it seems the most important thing but you need to think of how drastically t your life will change should he leave you which sounds likely. You seem very dismissive of how he is feeling and u willing to compromise. Married life isn’t always easy but holy shit you are meant to at least try and work together.

9 before you ever slept out? Not even at grannies?

Did you grow up ina cult? Did your parents have a basement 🤨. Your mum being a helper at your groups and a ta at your school and your dad teaching your hobby. All sounds very cultish. Never allowed to leave. MINE

Of course I feel what way? I have said multiple times it's unreasonable for OP to leave or allow her DH to leave an 11 month old baby.

No, what your parents did was absolutely miserable for the vast majority of the population. Parents don't stop being people or having lives just because they had kids. I have witnessed many long and happy marriages in my family and in none did the parents stop living. I have also never met anyone who stayed with their parents 24/7 throughout their childhood. How odd.

Also, what you are doing now is not in the best interest of your child at all. If you end up divorced because of your rigid behaviour and unwillingness to compromise, you will have to go back to work and your kid will be between homes 50/50.

Such a majestic upbringing that you want to replicate… yet you aren’t close to your family as an adult.

Edit: I was meant to remove your post sorry for tagging you.

I don't want to be rude your husband is as you say cosmopolitan and you're a dull librarian. You are struggling to see past your village. Is your village enough for your husband and son. You have contracted yourself you want your husband and son to fit around you and what you want. What if your son wanted the town or city life he will run.

you are a person before you become a parent. yes I do think children should fit into your life. everyone's life is different and it's good for parents to get out and enjoy life a bit..its very mundane without any fun. parents have to work have to keep a house running etc that doesn't stop just because you have children. my parents went out every single Saturday night when they could. my father worked away for weeks on end when I was younger too. my mother had to look after 3 children on her own. we had babysitters when she had to go to work and that was in the 80s and 90s. my own sis has to travel for her job she has a good set of childminders and babysitters to rely on. Good parents work as a team and to be a good team you need to be connected communicate and enjoy being with each other. your children see this and learn from it and you will raise good independent children. if you don't want to be a team then end the marriage. but honestly take a step back and have a good hard look and listen to your husband.

You sound very grounded and aware of the fact he is a separate adult who has feelings which are valid even though it must be painful. Ultimately neither of you can be forced to live a life you cant cope with, hopefully uts a wobble and you will get through it. Ultimately though, he does have a choice and he has to make it soon. Hopefully he will be able to see a bigger picture and that erotically intelligent people who love him is a rare thing to find so young. Whatever happens, you will be ok x

OP - there is nothing wrong with the life you want to live, it's actually very similar to mine - rural, quiet, family orientated and bed by 9pm.

But your partner needs more - why can't he have more?

I personally that him having to work all day then alternate dinner/bedtime, solo bathtime every evening, parenting and night feeding on weekends and not being allowed two weekends away in a year seems like a lot. I genuinely think if roles were reversed then a breadwinner woman with a house husband would be told she shouldn't be stopped from taking a weekend away, that it shouldn't fall on her to sort dinners on weeknights etc.

I do think things should be equal. You BOTH should be allowed weekends away with friends, nights out etc. but just because you don't want them it isn't fair to withhold them from him either.

If you restrict him to this extent I do believe your marriage won't survive.

You have the house in the village, the baby and the SAHM lifestyle. It's a lot of big ticks. It seems to me the price to pay for this is having a husband who wants to have weekends away with friends a few times a year, a few nights out with friends in the city, maybe staying at a friend's Friday night back home Saturday morning once a month or so. Would I want a husband doing those things? Honestly, no. But that's the man you have married.

I feel you can either let him have more of a social life and compromise and stay together keeping the bits you want, or you can split. If you split you may not be able to have the village life and be a SAHM. You have to decide if you want the marriage, and what that really means.

So even your hobbies as a child were controlled/supervised by your parents (brownies where mum was a leader, music taught by dad), and playdates were at your house.

What an insular upbringing. Which presumably you now want for your child.

Sorry you seem controlling carry on and I am 99% certain your marriage will fail.

you’re fulfilled with being a mum and want to dedicate your life to it and be known as x’s mum and have fully accepted that is your identity. That’s fine. But to deny your husband who by your own admission is a good present dad to not want to lose himself is selfish as well as controlling.

You said no to him going away. I’d have told you where to go to be honest especially given your decision came from I don’t want our son to miss out on the weekend. It’s 1 weekend! Great you’ve decided to be shackled to your child at the detriment of your relationship but not everyone is the same.

stop controlling him or hire a solicitor for the impending divorce.

feel for this guy.

My god this poor man.

Imagine if a man accepted his wife’s unhappiness as ‘normal’; objected to her going out once a week; ‘said no’ to trips’ with friends; withdrew from any social life; and described a normal active social life as ‘relentless’.

The oppressive nature of the ‘relationship’ would be obvious to everyone.

This is shameless disregard for a partner’s well-being. OP is not taking her marriage promises seriously, or her child’s need for a father.

If her husband was my son, I’d be urging him to leave her asap - certainly before her maternity leave ends and she gives up work- and find a partner who was willing to invest effort in a relationship.

I think that sadly OP has no idea how lucky she is, or the value of what she is throwing away so casually. She seems not to realise how very unlikely it is that she will ever meet a partner who is willing to live in the suffocating way she envisages marriage.

Most of all, it is very sad for her child- because I would assume divorce is pretty much inevitable unless she has a major re-evaluation. But she can’t see that, of course.

OP, this is not the fifties any more.

You do not have to be a slave to your children to be a good mother.

Let your husband breathe.