DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

More kids? How do you think that will go? Your lives have changed and he can't cope doesn't like it

His mum suggested it. It's probably a lot worse than the op realises. His mum is trying to save their family.

I’m a little surprised at the responses.

Maybe it’s just me but I believe when you have children you commit to them fully, they become the singular priority and every decision made should have a positive impact on them. Yes it may not be exactly how you want things but if it’s best for the child that’s what happens.
Growing up I was never away from my parents other than school, my mum was a TA so around any time I wasn’t at school. My dad never really went to the pub or out with friends, he came home every night and both my parents were in bed by 9pm, even when I was a teen and up later than them!
I was under the impression this was pretty standard for families who weren’t living in cities.

DH has lots of French/Swiss/Italian/German friends who all seem to think that children should just slot into the parents life which is where I’d guess his views are coming from.

That's her problem, she wanted the baby didn't she? He suggested an abortion.

Yes, but apparently OP can't even manage the former?? I was looking after my goddaughter overnight when she was 3 months old. People can pump milk.

I bet he's had a heart to heart with his mum. Hence her offer.

I'll bet MIL is the one having sleepless nights worrying about the marriage.

Yeah but MN is pretty different to real life, in real life most people I know would have an issue with this and it's considered fine, and in real life many people themselves wouldn't do this out of respect for their partner.

Agreed

And that doesn't change what I said.

OK well that's even worse. He doesn't want his mum to come and stay with you so he can go on a trip, he wants her to come and stay with you so he can check out of being a husband and father for a few days. Wtf OP why aren't you more furious about this?! What a manchild.

It's an immature and ineffective suggestion for conflict in marriage. End of.

So he stays forever? Or leaves forever?

And this is too dichotomous an argument. You work on the marriage with the approach of teamwork. You don't widen the already ever-widening chasm. You don't handle conflict by checking out. OP can't and neither can he. And while their parents can offer their adult children emotion support, they should not be brought in as part of the failing dynamic.

Agree. He's stepped up into parenthood despite being unsure about going ahead with an unplanned pregnancy. He's changed his job. He's moved out of London into a village. He's agreed to their joint savings being used so that OP can be a SAHP rather than returning to work.

In exchange, he's sitting in an evening on his own when OP goes to bed at 9pm. OP mentions nothing about any kind of emotional intimacy, no sex, and being guilt tripped about wanting to go for a weekend away with his friends on the basis that it's "unfair". Despite the fact that OP is not willing to leave their son for more than an hour anyway.

OP's got what she wants - the baby, the village life with her Mum friends, and she now feels perplexed that he won't choose the obvious solution. Which is to accept that his lot is to fund her being a SAHP in the country, and be content with new friends in the local Little Piddlington marrow growers, so that he stops hankering after his unsuitable London lifestyle. And I say that as someone that is a homebody who enjoys rural life, not going out and pottering about with the local allotment society!

I guess the thought of the marriage ending doesn’t scare me very much as I’m not sure we act like a married couple at all now and I’m happier than I was (not that I was sad before but I guess a new level of happiness).

Sounds like you used him and he was just a sperm donor. You have the life you want so - baby, mum friends, village life. Best thing to do is to divorce. You don’t sound like you care about him at all. You’re happy so that’s all that matters.

You recreated your parents' life but your husband wants more.

I don't believe centering children to the extent you do is healthy. The world doesn't revolve around them and to feed that can create a spoiled child with a big sense of entitlement and that doesn't end well.

I actually totally disagree. I think if he anyone wants to settle into a new area, then meeting people and being proactive with that is part of it. Otherwise you will end up lonely and looking backwards. He still goes for drinks with his mates after work, there's no reason why he couldn't take on a hobby in his new town to meet people while doing something he actually enjoys. I think that's very different than being in baby classes together when you're often distracted and focused on your child. As someone who's moved like this recently as a lone parent, I wish I had the opportunity he has. He's not taking accountability for the power that is in his hands to make new support networks. That doesn't mean he can't still keep in touch with the old ones.

@SoCatEs

your parents lifestyle of never being away from you thier child, never socialising and never going to bed past 9pm is NOT the norm, OP (well, not the norm for anyone under the age of 85 years old anyway). For most people that sounds deathly boring and monotonous. Life is for living.

This is bonkers. Your husband has told you he is depressed and hates his life and you suggest another child?! Make it make SENSE! 😆

I am impressed you even got married in the first place. I also find surprising a new mum would be fundamentally against a minute away from he child. Don't you miss "you before the baby" or want to move around without pushing a pram?
I do feel there is a larger psychological issue here. It feels like you are intentionally loosing yourself in motherhood and hiding behind your child.

Once again, I've said repeatedly that OP's response is also highly problematic. They both need a better approach to this conflict.

It doesn't sound like she suggested that in response to what he said.
It sounds more like that had been their plan.

Honestly OP...gently, this is not a normal state of affairs. Most parents are not in bed by 9pm! My parents are still up and hanging out together at 11pm and they are in their mid to late 60s -- and live in a village. Otherwise, when would they have any time to be with each other? Plus, we were often staying over with our grandmother as kids, which we loved. As an adult I realise this was obviously so my parents could have intimate time together.

Growing up I was never away from my parents other than school, my mum was a TA so around any time I wasn’t at school. My dad never really went to the pub or out with friends, he came home every night and both my parents were in bed by 9pm, even when I was a teen and up later than them!
I was under the impression this was pretty standard for families who weren’t living in cities.

This just gets weirder with each post from the OP. You were never away from your parents other than school?! You had no sleepovers, shopping trips with friends, sports or music activities?? Your parents had no friends or social life?

No that was very much not standard for families, rural or city-based.

I have to ask again, how on earth did you meet your husband and end up married?

OK, so you expected to just replicate the life you had with your parents. That's one way to do things, but not everyone's way.

Decisions about your family life need to be made as a family. Life has to work for everyone. Children's needs should of course be prioritised, but they are also not mini gods that their parents are merely there to serve.

Did you ever talk about what sort of family life you both wanted before you had DS?

Not ‘end of’, it’s just your opinion. OP clearly has no interest in working at the marriage, world exists only for the baby now remember.

A slightly different perspective, because I remember feeling a bit like that bloke at times during the first couple of years of fatherhood. It's hard. Parenting is hard. Being a good parent takes up reserves you don't really know you have. And then you have to remember to be a good spouse, hold down a job (at least one of you), maintain a good relationship with (sometimes aging and difficult) parents.

It's easy for the 'good spouse' bit to get overlooked. At times I was guilty of assuming that if I was doing my bit as a dad, that was enough to qualify for 'good spouse'. It wasn't, and neither was DW doing a great job as a mum. We had to work to find some time for our relationship beyond parenting, and that was tough (it gets easier as the kids grow up, but we can still go most of the working week where our only conversations are practical ones about shopping and scheduling).

From the outside, it feels a bit like you're repeating my mistake and assuming that caring for the child represents caring for your other half by proxy. That's not the case (my wife certainly didn't think so, and I wouldn't either). We got through it, but we didn't get there by telling each other suck it up.

Good luck. You can do this, but you need to do it together without one of you dictating every play.