DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

Ah so your position is he decided to step up and stay, rather than abandon OP with her child (or a young baby) and now he needs to suck up the consequences of that. Boo hoo, sucks if he's miserable, why should OP give a shit or compromise?

Seriously?

I have zero time for waster loser men, and an expectation that women should have to subrogate themselves to keep their man happy, or that men shouldn't have to be 50/50 partners. But this guy just can't win!

How much do you want the relationship to work ?
Compromise is the key .
He has said he is not feeling happy and you need to decide what you are able to compromise with. I think it sounds positive that he is trying to communicate with you, are you able to meet him halfway?

In what way has OPs husband not stepped up? We’re not talking about your ex here, OPs situation is different

I don't know why some posters think he wants a bachelor lifestyle, he's being a father and he's stepped up, I think he's bored shitless and he wants to be able to socialise with his friends sometimes.

OP, how did you ever even get together with your DH? You didn't like city life, his job, his friends or the endless socialising. What on earth actually attracted you to him in the first place and then made you decide that he was "the one"? Given your recent posts, it's mind-boggling to me how you ended up married.

It seems like you're very happy with the situation, particularly as you don't want to go back to work, and from his perspective he's in a situation he hates and it's not likely to change - I can see why he feels trapped.

Can you put a timeline on things like having someone look after the baby for a night once a month so you can go out, for example? You say you can't leave DS yet - presumably that will have to change at some point. How about a weekend in the city with DS so your city friends could meet him during the day? Having a baby doesn't have to mean you lose your entire previous identity.

What about her life? Just because she takes the hits without complaining and is more willing to put her needs second to the child's doesn't mean there hasn't been a huge impact on her - body, sleep, relationship, career. But that's less important than him being able to party less often?

Extremely weird that after 11 months you don't feel comfortable leaving your child. Have you got some sort of anxiety disorder?

I couldn’t disagree more. He’s the one who has made every single compromise here and none of it is enough. He’s a loving and involved father which is worth its weight in gold!

The man has even changed his job to please OP! New home, new baby, new job, new lifestyle. His wife has him by the balls! She has neither time for nor interest in him except as a meal ticket!

I think, if he goes away for a week, it will be the death knell for the marriage. Things are that serious. And you OP will find yourself having to part with your child on a regular basis for the rest of his childhood. He will be away from either his mum or dad for way more than just a weekend when he was only a baby!

I think you are being incredibly selfish and you need to have a discussion with him urgently about a way forward if you want to stay together. I’d start by using those savings to move back to London and get your backside into work! It’s not fair for to get all the benefit of your joint savings while he knocks his pan in working and commuting to keep you all afloat. I would say though he has seen a very different side to you and maybe already there’s no coming back from it, in which case, you will need that job!

You asked for advice - take it while you still can !

I think a lot of the problem is this is all how op wants life and nothing how dh wants life

Sounds like he would be happy living in London but they dont, they live in a village

He would be happy to have the odd night overnight in London...op isn't happy with this idea as his friends are single females

Op won't leave the baby with anyone so no couple time

Op goes to bed at 9pm, leaving him to sit alone in an evening

He is stepping up and being a father, but thats about all he has in his life currently.

I'm not surprised he is fed up and depressed but op doesn't want anything to change

There is no compromise or thought to how things could change in dh's favour a little. Being a parent and growing up doesn't mean you have to loose all of your own identity

Being divorced doesn’t equal not being a decent person though.

I think in 2025 onwards, divorce is common enough that the people involved can still be considered a decent person that just got into the wrong relationship.

The more OP posts, the more it becomes clear that they aren’t compatible regardless of the baby, and that he has actually been a good dad.

Um ... go and read all of my posts, which you clearly haven't – I've said the marriage will likely end if OP doesn't compromise, I've said I sympathise with his struggling. Absolutely nowhere did I say he will or should be expected to suddenly change.

None of that has anything to do with the emotional immaturity of buggering off for a week and getting your mum in. BOTH are a problem.

Yep, posters saying 'he might leave' are ignoring the fact that some women wouldn't want to be with men like that anyway who think they can just opt out for a week when they feel like it.

And likewise he probably wouldn't be happy with her having overnight nights out with a load of single males, while he was home with the baby.

You are different people will it work out who knows. You have to let him stretch a little rather than be so critical of what he does. Most people start slowing down when they get to 40.

As long as you love and trust him then what's the problem? And as long as you can reach him on the phone and he answers when you need him, then why shouldn't he see his friends once or twice a month.

If moving to a village, commuting over half the week, financially supporting wife and kid, cooking and cleaning several nights a,week, taking care of the child evenings/weekends and agreeing with wife's "request" that he not go for a weekend away is "not stepping up", what else - in your view - is required.

The OP has decided she's happy with no social life and no interest (even spending time with her husband) other than her child. The OP's husband doesn't have to give up his relatively few evenings with old friends just because of this.

Kerching?

This. Have some time away together so you can both benefit from the break, and reconnect as a couple. Even if you both stay at home but get to go to the gym together, to eat out together.

If he isn't keen, I'd look for the other woman.

No that’s not really what I’m saying. I’ve said it is a huge transition and you need to accept that life cannot be what it once was when you have small children. The most cowardly men do abandon their partners before the baby is born. OP’s DH didn’t do that but he doesn’t necessarily deserve a pat on the back purely for sticking around. If he is struggling with the transition to parenthood, which isn’t unusual, then they need to explore realistic ways that this can be addressed. Although he already sees his friends after work once a fortnight and seemingly seems convinced that nobody would come and visit him where he lives, even if invited.

Realistically, the only way he truly gets his old life back is by abandoning OP and breaking up his marriage. If that’s not what he wants, then I truly don’t believe having a “pretend” week on his own in London will help anyone.

Having a week off from his responsibilities won't change much if anything. Does he think after a week he will be OK?

It does sound like he misses his single carefree life. But thats not possible now .
It will get easier when your child sleeps better.

I'm 100% sure if this was the case he'd be called controlling on here. If the roles were flipped.

There’s a big difference between leaving a baby that age for the evening while you socialise which should be possible for most people and actually going away for several days or even being away overnight if the baby still wakes and breastfeeds during the night.

Hmm, take virtual hugs, because you're carrying too much honestly. I'm not invalidating your husband's feelings, but your own needs have been suppressed too and you sure must feel overwhelmed.

1. Acknowledge your husbands feelings but don't over validate, you're been stretched too, he's not the only one, it is just that we women are quick to adapt, it is our nature.

2. Social needs are valid, but if you're going to build anything worthwhile in any area of life, you cannot and should not over indulge in social needs. Social needs satisfaction drops and rise in life according to seasons. And in this season, you cannot satisfy it as much as you want to, your husband needs to understand and accept that, before he learns the hard way.

3. I think you guys need to move, maybe to somewhere livelier, somewhere in between bubbling & quiet.

4. Either he comes to the realisation or not, his life is permanently changed and he shouldn't continue living the way he was living, if not, it will negatively impact your marriage and children. He needs to make peace with that.
5. And the space he needs is to figure out what exactly? It's for what exactly? To think well? Have freedom? Is he currently tied? If I say my mind now. mumsnetters will say I'm controlling and insecure. So really, he needs to wake up and smell the coffee, he has a child to raise, to pour into now, he needs to get a grip and stop over self indulgence. His life is not bad with what you described.

1. YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR SEX LIFE, YOU NEED TO BE AGGRESSIVE IN GETTING IT BACK UP. IT WILL IMPACT YOUR MARRIAGE NEGATIVELY IF YOU LEAVE IT TO CHANCE. I'm not even speaking for your husband here, I'm concerned about you yourself, you should enjoy sex, sex is for the living o🤣. If sex hurts, please see your GP for a referral. And sex should not be a chore. It can and should be had in pockets of time. Buy water based lubricants and have 'em handy in different spaces in your home, it makes things easier. Your child is still young, so it's easier.
2. Adjust your routine to accommodate him a little, can you chill with him till 10/11pm ish before going to bed, have conversations with him, laugh, see movies, touch each other, eat snacks together. It will calm his nerves down a little IF he's a good man, because really if you have a good spouse, it's better to work on your marriage than to tell them to go to hell and start looking for building materials to build another relationship from the rubble.

I pray God brings ease into your affairs.

Exactly. I think people are overlooking the culture shock that comes from leaving London and into a small village - of all places. Even people who move to commuter suburbs outside of London find it tough not being in London. Let alone, going somewhere with an even smaller proximity to London with a lot less to offer. That whole aspect of this seems to be overlooked in favour of “part and parcel of parenting”

The more OP posts, I think she would feel happier if her husband maybe ended the London chapter in totality ie she mentioned if he gets new local friends. Perhaps she might want him to find a local job and drop the friends and commuting. But it’s clear that her husband wouldn’t be happy with that lifestyle - he wants to take a week away and spend that in London. That’s where his heart is.

So many of your posts are 'I' statements OP. Where is the consideration for your husband in all this? You don't seem to want to give anywhere.

Decide what's most important to you. It's great your son has a garden but would you prefer he had happily married parents? Neglecting your relationship is a sure fire way to divorce. Toss up whether single parenthood is better than leaving a one year old with their gran for a few days.