DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

@Didimum of course you feel that way, your many posts on this thread lack logic and nuance.

OP said:

DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.

I agree with the majority, there is nothing unfair for the 11 month old if they don’t see their dad over that weekend. It comes across as faux concern, wrapped up as the baby’s needs as opposed to OP’s wants.

I am a staunch feminist and have no time for wet, immature men who can't cope with fatherhood. But honestly, I'm rooting for OP's DH to gtfo.

It was an accidental pregnancy and he supported her, stepped up, agreed to move where she wanted, has curtailed his social life, changed his job because she didn't like the evening events, is supporting her to be a SAHM and OP is like "meh, I'm not that bothered about the marriage really, got my baby now".

I hope he wises up to this one sided excuse of a marriage, finds the kahunas to leave, and finds someone much more suited to him. And to be fair, OP may also be happier with a different partner who is more of a traditional homebody, likes village life and just wants to potter and hang out with his family.

Neither are prioritising each other as a couple though

it sounds as if two incompatible people were together and then got pregnant and are not trying to navigate it together

@SoCatEs i was so anti leaving DD that (and I feel awful now) when she was 9 months old and DH was throwing up blood I made my Dad go with him to the hospital

I did leave her the next day to visit him and it was really helpful and good for both of us and she still has a really good relationship with my parents

Where did I say mum's needs weren't important too? I would suggest the OP has prioritised what she sees as DS needs above DH's and her own. The juggle is to take all the members of the families needs into account.

If she wants another baby she'll have to have sex again though. I'd be very suspicious if she suddenly wanted that again.

This could almost be a reverse, OP is just too lacking in self-awareness.

He sounds like a sulky teenager. I wouldn't be interested in being intimate with him either.

Which specific decision are you referring to here? I mean I accept that he made the decision to have a sexual relationship with OP, and that always carries a risk of contraception failing, but I think it's a bit harsh to say this situation is a consequence of his own decisions when they were not planning a child in the immediate future (they seem to have only had a vague agreement on 'one day's) and OP didn't want an abortion. It's the situation he's in, but it's bad luck rather than being his fault.

You do realise if your marriage fails you will have to leave the baby EOW.
If you don't want to make this marriage work then be honest now before he loses all of his friendship group.
Also you won't be ready to leave the baby until you just start doing it. You've dropped your husband for the baby that's not how it works.

I hope you work this out, but I think you both want different things. Your husband is unhappy and I do think you should not dismiss this.
One thing stood out to me, you told him he could not go on a weekend away because YOU dont want the Father and son dynamic interfered with, did you ask if he feels the same way? You do sound a bit dictatorial.

This is hard for both of you. He was obviously not ready for kids and misses his old life, which is understandable if this was the case. You need to ask him what solution would make him happier? It sounds like he is considering a separation so he doesn’t have to be a Dad full time and can go back to his old life but also has your son on occasion too. Explain things from your perspective too in that being at home with a baby is not a holiday and you don’t want to go to bed early either but if he is not doing the nights then one of you has to as you then you have all day the following day so you’re essentially working 24 hrs a day and it’s a lot for you too. I would ask his mum to come and stay for the night and you both go into London and have some fun together. I think he needs to see things from your perspective too so that he doesn’t feel alone in his thoughts.

@Anthempart2 and @NewHere83 - but OP is prioritising herself. She has everything set up exactly as she wants it and isn’t remotely interested in changing anything despite her husband’s stress and sadness.

@SoCatEs - your refusal to compromise isn’t good for your child. You loved your DH enough to create a family with him. You owe it to your DC to try to make the parental relationship work if it can. Your attitude to your husband - who has given you everything you wanted - is not normal or healthy. This is not how most young families operate. You casually letting your relationship go down the pan is not what most mums of young children do. It’s pretty shocking that you now say you’re not sure you would even care if you and your DH did split up but you’re happy to plan 3 years off work funded by him. Your attitude is pretty irresponsible.

Oh give it a rest.

You DO need to have fun - life shouldn’t be an endless cycle of dullness and monotony.

Shes in bed by 9pm, doesn’t want to be intimate, doesn’t want to go out, doesn’t want him to go out, doesn’t want to go to work, doesn’t want to do anything that doesn’t involve being glued to their 11 month old child.

They’re both young - early 30’s - and this new “improved” lifestyle is clearly suffocating the fuck out of her husband and she simply doesn’t care. Because she’s doing what she wants (which is seemingly nothing), and seems flabbergasted that days out with their kid isn’t fulfilling his social needs.

It’s all sad really - it seems you had a vision of this lovely life and went for it, and it’s working really well for you - but you didn’t stop to think whether the guy you married also really wanted the part you assigned to him.
I guess some folk may be happy and excited going home to see their child every night and having that bath time with them and he probably does enjoy that - but if the other 23 hours of the day are rather carp then it’s a bit draining and not that fulfilling. From your point of view I guess that’s part of the Disney dream show - sharing bedtimes/cooking and childcare as far as possible, but there’s none of the fun for him at all.
I see he takes your son to the park when you want to read - nothing at all wrong with that - but when does he get his chance to do anything he likes?
It’s a bit silly saying make local Dad friends - even if he wanted to when would he? When would he meet with them?
I think you’re possibly more in the baby bubble than many, but that’s great - just no one is going to remain fine and dandy having nothing back from their partner and being restricted with their own movements. Even with his son it’s on your terms - go to the park when you want to read, do weekend nights so you rest, help with bedtime or cooking as set in stone it seems after a long day.
I think your husband is doing everything a mn good dad should do tbh - and there’s not many of those from what I see. He’s changed jobs, moved, given up a lot of social life, given up seeing you at all - he must really love you and his son - do you want to lose that?

Obviously, the leaving for a week is not a solution and not great, but if he doesn’t get some freedom/fun or even better feedback from his wife then he’s going to make a permanent bid for freedom.
The baby fulfills you completely it’s clear, but he is living a very tiring life without the baby groups, village love, chance of a break even at night - he either is getting up to see to your son or pretty early to make the commute.
I actually think you’d be better off splitting up as it’s clear you’re not too fussed, and he’s probably picking up on that and wondering what it’s all for if not a good relationship at least - he’ll be fine on the every other weekend as he parents well now from what you say. Hopefully then you can spend time remembering who you are as well.

I think your Dh has given up a lot of things for you, just to fulfil your wishes.

You didn't like his 'cosmopolitan' life in London and have made him give it up.

I feel sorry for him tbh.

Let him go to London for a week, you can do the same if you wish when your baby is a little older. Take advantage of his mum's offer.

We moved from London to a village too and when we had to move to an airBNB in London for a couple of weeks while our bathroom was done, we had the time of our lives. We chose Clerkenwell as was close to our offices, and enjoyed it thoroughly.

Like you say, it wasn’t an immaculate conception. And hard as it would have been, he could have walked away at any point before DS was born if he was so convinced that being a father wasn’t for him.

Becoming a parent is a huge shift and very hard if you are used to living a cosmopolitan life in a big city like London (I should know as I was the same with DC1, albeit the mother and not the father!). But it is torture to keep harking back to what life was pre-kids because you life really has changed forever and you cannot turn back time. Taking a week on your own and pretending that your child doesn’t exist is not going to help you come to terms with that. Neither is staying out until 2am with friends who do not have kids and pretending you aren’t going to be up at the crack of dawn with your baby the next day. If there are tangible things that can be adjusted that is fine, and should be considered, but requesting “time out” to recreate your pre-child life whilst your own mother takes on your parenting role for a week is just completely ridiculous in my opinion.

How is it selfish to want a social life and to see your friends?

The poor guy has had a total change of lifestyle. OP has friends locally; he does not. He works, looks after his kid, doesn’t have any intimacy and sits alone with no one to talk to past 9pm.

I’d be depressed too.

What a horrible post.

What do you mean 'for once'? We see this very often on here, men saying they're not happy after they've had a baby and complaining that they don't get to do x and y anymore now that they have a baby.
A man only has to mutter the word 'depression' and suddenly women are expected to change everything around for them, the same is not true in reverse.

There is room for compromise, but 'oh well tough' is the reality of the situation because he now has a family. Of course he can leave just like many men do, or he can stay and the OP can bend over backwards for him, but the marriage may not last anyway because she may end up resenting him.

She really is lacking in self awareness. I suspect as pp said he'd have dumped her eventually if she hadn't fallen pregnant.

Then in 20 years time she'll be the ex wife not wanting the present wife to attend the graduation ceremony of a child she has cared for 50% of the time for many years.

I've a friend who bitterly regrets divorcing her lovely first husband who thankfully she never had a child with. But wished she had. Her second marriage is a sham.

Honestly you can’t have your cake and eat it. I also usually come down hard on the blokes but in this case you are being selfish snd foolish.
You are loving the mummy life. So you don’t need to force him to be with you! I would give him a night a week to go out. You can cope with the baby alone and go to bed at 9pm anyway.
And the thing about blocking the Paris trip as it’s unfair on your son is rubbish. As long ad you are there your DS is fine! If you divorce, your son will be seeing a lot less of his dad!!
just give him some breathing space and a bit of fun in his life so he can adjust gradually.
You are happy with your life and don’t need adjustments. He does.

I get what you’re trying to say but you can’t just opt out of parenthood. Dad sounds like he wants to and wants his complete freedom so you are right he very well could leave, but a decent person wouldn’t do that.

I can't believe some of the replies on here. This DH is a pathetic man-child who hasn't stepped up. OP has no choice but to step up.
He's in his 30s, when is he planning to grow up if ever?
I had my DS at 21. His father was 25. It was the same story. My ex decided he didn't want to be tied down and pissed off to party and I was dumped with baby.
It was gruelling but we made it on our own.
Now we are in our 60s my ex suddenly wants a relationship with his son and wonders why DS can't be bothered with him.

The thing is- I'm currently on mat leave and yes I'm sometimes frazzled with small kids but I get to hang out with lots of people, chat, drink coffee, go for nice walks. DH works full time in a demanding job and then has a long commute home to help with bedtime etc. I don't think I have it harder than him!

I've managed a few nights out now baby is a bit older (fully intend to do more when I can) but I think it would be shitty to ban him from going out just because I'm currently doing a lot of childcare. It shouldn't be a race to the bottom and in this case the OP has chosen a very extreme position and never left her child. But lots of parents do have a life of their own! It's good and healthy to try and have one..

I'm sorry, OP, but it sounds like your husband may be regretting some of his decisions and could be planning an exit. Moving out of London might have been a mistake, and it's possible he wasn't ready for fatherhood. While moving back could be an option, I don't think it would fix the core issue, it seems he still wants the freedom of a bachelor lifestyle, which isn't compatible with being a parent.

We don't know all the details, of course, but I disagree with those who feel sorry for him. He's an adult with the ability to make his own choices. If he's unhappy, that's on him, not on you, and you shouldn't have to suffer for his indecision.

Wishing you strength and all the best, OP.

How has he not stepped up?

Honestly there are some shocking men on mumsnet but I don't think it's the case here.