DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

I never got the baby bubble. Used to enjoy an evening out with my husband. Usually on a Friday. We often took baby along for a pint at the pub. Saturday night had a babysitter. I made mum friends. Those women had husbands so we'd meet up. My husband became friends with their husbands.

It's an adjustment but you do it as a team. And you don't give up on your sex life.

I actually feel sorry for your DH. You sound uncompromising and controlling OP. Of course he should be able to stay away with friends etc. Why are you his boss? Why does he need you to tell him what he can and can't do.

I’ve been here OP and my story didn’t end well.

My then DP said much the same to me, although we hadn’t moved away life obviously changed when DS was born (he was 10lbs and I’d had a hard time having him and it took me a while to adjust)

DP told me one night out of the blue that he wasn’t happy - I was totally blindsided. He was due to go away that weekend on a stag do, I told him to go and we’d talk about it when he got back.

the short version of this story is that he started an affair while away and left me and DS when he was 6 months old (he is now 17 and they/ we all have a fantastic relationship).

in our case DH’s nose was seriously out of joint that he wasn’t my number 1 priority, I think he just wanted some attention. To be fair he went into marry the bird he had an affair with and they are happy.

id say to listen to his concerns, but start to get your ducks in a row too.

After reading your updates OP it sounds like you’re quite different people, may not be compatible, and he had doubts about continuing the pregnancy.

I’m sure there are also lots of good things about your relationship, and he sounds like he’s pulling his weight even if his heart isn’t in it.

Having children is so hard, even when you’re 100% on board. You really do have to put yourself second. If he isn’t there yet, then it’s going to make him feel trapped and resentful .

I also think you’re perhaps not compatible in how you see family life. I have a one year old DD, and DP and I are absolutely fine with the other having weekends away occasionally. DP has done this about 4 times, and I have twice (less because I was breastfeeding). It’s not that we’re right, it’s the fact we agree that’s important. I’ll also go to my mum’s with DD sometimes at the weekend just to chill out and let DP chill at home. We both feel supported and are on the same page, and there’s no resentment.

Your situation just sounds very sad. You both seem like decent, level headed people who were just at slightly different stages. He’s not wrong for feeling how he feels, given he perhaps didn't want the pregnancy and you said a termination was off the cards. I’m surprised it’s not a discussion you’d already had, or he didn’t choose to be more careful if he had strong feelings on the matter.

But tbf, if my life was this suffocating, I'd get a girlfriend too.

And I'm a middleaged, country loving, stay at home woman. I feel really sorry for the bloke. No compromise at all.

Curve out some time for date nights-they make such a difference!

I'd rethink this plan. DH has one foot out currently.

One week apart will only remind him of his old life, and he'll hanker for this on a permanent basis.

You need to find a middle ground. Closer to the city.

Or accept your marriage is over.

I'd be planning on returning to work.

So it's not even for you both to go and have a break. Just him?
He is an immature dick.

moving out of LDN can you feel like a real wrench for some. We tried it for a few years and it felt like a huge loss of identity to live a quieter life in the country side. It really affected our marriage and how we saw ourselves. We just moved back and are much happier :)

I can see this from both sides.

Can you not make some effort to stay up a little later?

Could his mum stay and you both stay in London for a couple of nights. Maybe you need to remember you too.

Op he doesn’t want to be a dad. That’s the sad reality and I sincerely hope the baby was a surprise because being lax in that department and making a man a father when he doesn’t want to be is the biggest mistake you can make.

Have you the means to move back into the city or closer to his social circle because he’s not ready to leave his old life.

This. To be honest.. he just doesn’t sounds like a resilient person to me. Just wants all the fun & not the lifestyle changes that come with having a child. You basically have another man child. Sorry you’re both in this situation. Send him to therapy. Also. If his mates really cared about him they would come visit in the village

As I said earlier, it’s likely he told his mum he feels depressed and she made the offer of visiting and staying herself.

OP did say she said no to him going away because she would be left with the sole parenting, so I could imagine him relaying that to his mum; with his mum advocating for him to clear his head & she’ll support with the baby if needed.

I think it’s clear that his mum stepping in is unusual but not totally odd in context of their relationship being on the rocks. His mum is going to be aware of that, she likely wants to get a better idea of whether they can bounce back from this or are heading for divorce.

@SoCatEs OP, read this ⬆️

I have zero interest in other people's babies. Literally zero. I will be polite and say it's beautiful (even if it isn't 😂) but honestly I find other people's babies boring. I think most people are like me.

I think have a good, honest discussion with him before that week in London otherwise I can see that becoming the beginning of the end.
He'll probably end up having a drunken one night stand or starting an affair.

And, while you say you aren't that afraid of your marriage ending, it will be probably be a different story when it actually does.

Well, I started off reading this thread totally on OP's side and 🙄🙄🙄 at her petulant, self-indulgent husband his desire for a week's 'space' courtesy of his mum and his wife.

Suffice to say, the worm has turned. Unless you're independently wealthy OP, I'd be returning to work as soon as because the marriage sounds doomed. He has given you fair warning.

He's warning you, you can either listen to him or think fuck you I've got what I want and your marriage will crumble.

OP, he sounds more likely to leave than to have more kids. And that’s from what you’ve written.

You do have to compromise and work at a relationship. You sound like you just expect him to change now. People don’t change unless they want to.

I think a lot of men feel like this. It’s a bit of a cliche but they do lose you to the baby, for a bit at least. It sounds like a little longer with you, maybe, in that you’re not ready to leave your son yet (by this age by son was in nursery but each to their own, and I mean that genuinely.) I guess what that means is that there isn’t much scope for date night and like many couples you are like ships passing in the night. Until you are ready to leave your son it probably is going to feel a bit distant. That is manageable for most couples but if one of you is clinically depressed that changes things.

He needs to see the GP, first of all. Get some counselling in place. He’s obviously lonely. Is there a group activity he could do for a couple of hours on the weekend that would help him meet people? Village life isn’t for everyone and you are still quite young. I remember reading that 30 in the city feels like 40 in the suburbs. He’s going, oh god this is my life now. A common thought for many new parents but one that is compounded by being away from your usual networks.

If I were you I would seriously consider introducing a bottle and trying a date night. The evenings where my mother watched the baby and my husband and I had precious time to ourselves really bonded us. We’d get a bit tipsy and inevitably end up talking about the baby even though we said we wouldn’t. It was romantic and kept us going through the baby years. We didn’t even do it all that often. An evening out makes a world of difference.

If you really can’t bear to do that (and I’d ask yourself what message that sends to your partner), then could you do something like a romantic dinner/cocktail/movie night at home after the baby is in bed? He needs to know you still care and that motherhood hasn’t swallowed your whole identity. It can feel all-consuming being a new mum, but it’s even more all-consuming if you end up doing it solo because you couldn’t sustain each other in the tough times.

So it's not even for you both to go and have a break. Just him?

Would it make any difference if her DH offered for them both to have a break? The OP won't/can't leave their child for more than an hour. Dates or spending time together seem to be off the table, never mind going away together.

@Loopylampshade

the purpose of therapy is never to force someone to never go out and have no social life to appease their uncompromising partner!

I think in this case he didn’t want the baby but op said she was on the pill and it was an accident.

I’m shocked that his mother has agreed to come to stay whilst HE goes and laps up the life of a singleton for a week? She needs to tell him to pull his socks up and grit down I’m afraid. He’s a father now. Your priorities have changed, but his have not. Going out on a whim here, but are his friends into anything illicit? Has he dabbled in this and this is why he doesn’t want to change his friends to “boring park dads” Just a thought..
Whatever happens, he needs to realise it’s about his child now, not him. He needs to shake off main character syndrome and grow up.

OP your update makes things a lot clearer, and I think you'd have a big decision to make - do you actually want to save this marriage? It sounds like the answer might actually be no.

What seems to have happened is that he didn't want a child, but he's not a shit so after tentatively raising abortion once to test the waters he dropped it and got stuck in. He's doing everything a good man would do even if he didn't actually want or enjoy being a dad from what you can see. This is someone who actually seems to meet the common Mumsnet 'but he's a good dad' line.

However, he's simply not enjoying being a dad. That doesn't make him a bad person, the early years are tough and a lot of people (myself included) find hanging out with little kids pretty dull, with occasional moments of brilliance that make it all worthwhile, and whilst it being your own kids is better than a strangers it doesn't actually stop it being dull. He's understandable hankering after his own life as a result.

You however love being a mum and it's all working out for you. From your post you don't really care that he's miserable.

Now of course there's an element of 'well this is life with young kids' and 'he can just expect to go back to the child free life', but the reality is he actually could. I suspect all that's really stopping him leaving you at the moment is that he dors actually want to be a good dad and he probably does love you.

Do I think that you can 'solve' this? Not easily but him wanting the odd weekend away isn't unfair (if you can afford it). It's possible a move back to London could help but I actually suspect he'd be miserable there too quickly.

If you're open to the idea of a move back to London and can find a way to afford it I would try and see if you can do a week (or a month if possible) where you both live in London and see what life would be like with baby in London.

But actually I think from your post the issue under all of this is that you've checked out of this relationship. That's your prerogative. Bit of that's the case I'd think about having a proper discussion about splitting up now, whilst it's fairly amicable, rather than leaving this to die a slow and likely painful death by waiting for him to leave you. I would be shocked if he doesn't end up in (at least) an emotional affair soon (if not already) if this carries on like this. I'm not saying that because I think he would be justified but because it's the reality. And the reason it matters, even if you don't really care if he leaves you, is that you have a child with him and making sure that you can have a strong co parenting relationship after a split is very very important and much harder for you to emotionally manage if he's left you for another woman.

Or you decide you want to fight for the relationship, in which case get you and he get relationship therapy to try to work out a compromise. Because you will have to compromise something for the marriage to survive - so far all the compromise is from him.