DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

@SoCatEs do you want this relationship to last because you have to listen to him and his unhappiness and see if you can make changes and compromise

how far out in village life are you? How long is the train from London and the last train etc

You need to help him here.

A simple small thing would even be staying up half an hour to a hour later and actually spending that time with him. Rather than living as separated co parents.

You also do need to go back to work once mat leave ends because your ambient at best about this marriage and his got one foot heading out the door. You need to be financially secure.

I don’t think he needs a week break mind and tbh it’s a little sad that he wouldn’t care about seeing his son at all for a week. But again if his just sat alone all night every night his going to get very bored and lonely.

He should visit his Gp if his genuinely depressed.

You also need to let someone else watch the baby his 11months old you need to have some date nights and couple time. Otherwise you will continue down this platonic route to divorce. Right now you live like single people who share a house for their joint child, while he knows his friends are all out living the life he gave up for his family for a wife that won’t even spend a few hours a night with him or go on a date and I’d hazard a guess it’s not just sex missing it’s all intimacy.

Does he? He’s commuting so is out…what maybe 7-7 during the week, then comes home and spends time with his son, then does overnights at the weekend?

He’s being an active parent and supporting his wife’s choice to not work.

He's just bored and lonely; he doesn’t really seem to have the time to integrate into village life the way the OP has been able to.

I feel for him actually.

10000000%

He’s opened up to you and told you how he’s feeling, and that he’s really struggling with this environment and dynamic. You’ve ultimately shot him down, saying “this is our life now”.

You need to find a way to compromise, otherwise he will grow to completely and utterly resent you, and eventually leave.

“I also said no to the second Paris trip as I don’t think it’s very fair on DS for him to miss out on a weekend with his dad.”

I think this is absolute bs, and you know it.
It’s controlling, under the guise of pretending it’s in your son’s best interests. An 11 month old child isn’t keeping score of how many weekends they spend with a (resident) parent, and they’re not going to spiral into oblivion if said parent is away for a few days.

If you think an husband and father upping and leaving for a week on his family is a mature response to conflict, then I don't know how to help you.

It dodges the real problem and widens their emotional disconnection. It shifts the emotional load to OP and it sends a message of withdrawal, not teamwork.

I think this is sensible advice.

OP you don't seem all that fussed about your H being unhappy or the possibility of your marriage ending.

You haven't given any indication that you're willing to compromise at all. The only solution you've offered is for him to find 'local friends' - with the implication that he should spend less time with his existing friend group (presumably because they are not sufficiently child and country-life focused in the way that you'd prefer).

Planning on returning to work is a wise move. If you end up getting divorced, you are going to need to work anyway, as he won't be funding you being a stay at home parent. If you haven't left your son alone for more than an hour now, then you also might also want to think about what shared parenting would mean - as your son would be spending entire days and nights with his Dad.

Thought I was the only one wondering just how much of a 'surprise' this baby was!

I think what happened is he told his mum how he was feeling and she suggested he get some space and she’d come and help out. I love his mum, she’s amazing and been far more involved than my only family.

His friends aren’t bad people by any stretch just very international and cosmopolitan. Many of them working in PR or Comms, some writers and editors for journals/arts organisations.

When we got married he did change jobs as his old workplace hosted a lot of evening events and there was a a subtle expectation that he would attend and I really hated this as they would always turn into 3am nights out in Soho.

I think you either both move back to London or he will leave you and move back
is that what you want for you /your child

Well, exactly. Do you really think her husband has not thought about divorce? Do you really think breaking up hasn’t crossed his mind?

Hence why posters are saying OP should use this as a clear indication he will leave the marriage. I’m not sure, why you feel he’s going to suddenly change and become the man OP wants as opposed to ending things. Think pragmatically and logically- not emotionally.

So he stays forever? Or leaves forever? It’s actually really hard to make changes and get everything right in a failing marriage and OP is clear she’s uncompromising and unwilling… and call it splitting hairs all you like, but there’s actually a big difference between discussing an idea with his wife when he’s at breaking point… and ‘upping and leaving and calling mummy in’ like you keep saying, even though that’s not currently happening.

I can’t fault how involved he is with DS, he does all the night time work on weekends, bathes DS, plays with him everyday, takes him to the park alone for an a half an hour or so if I just want to sit and read.

Well, you can forget all that if you become a single parent.

I don’t want to be away from DS, that’s a non-negotiable for me right now and I won’t compromise on that.

You're asking for a lot of compromise from him, but you want to do none yourself. Again, think about the longer term implications. DS will be away from you if you separate because DH will have separate time with him, away from you. Maybe with a new partner after some time as well.

I hate that he isn’t happy but then I feel like a lot of people find the early stages of parenthood a bit miserable and that I’m lucky in really enjoying it, I view DHs situation as more “normal”.

You hate that he isn't happy, but also think that because you are happy in your baby bubble, he should suck it up and just facilitate what you want.

I also don’t really feel comfortable with him staying out once a week, half his friends are women, some single some in relationships and while I don’t think he would cheat I also know that no one ever really thinks their partner would cheat.

You don't feel comfortable leaving DS so you can socialise as a couple, but you don't feel comfortable with him socialising...

I also said no to the second Paris trip as I don’t think it’s very fair on DS for him to miss out on a weekend with his dad.

DS literally won't remember at the age he is. This is about your need for DH to be there with you and DS, not DS's needs. He won't be damaged because his dad was away for a weekend. How on earth do you think families cope when one parent is in the armed forces?

We were always quite different even when we lived in London, I never really liked the city lifestyle and I never really liked his friends as it felt like they always had to have something happening, dinner parties, nights out, sporting events, theatre shows it was relentless.

Ah. There it is. You married someone with the intent to change him and now you're mad it hasn't worked. Weird reason to dislike his friends too.

I guess the thought of the marriage ending doesn’t scare me very much as I’m not sure we act like a married couple at all now and I’m happier than I was (not that I was sad before but I guess a new level of happiness)

I actually think maybe you should be honest with each other and split up, if this is how you really feel. Let him move back to London and have DS EOW, while you crack on with full time #momlife, until the money runs out and you have to go back to work. You don't really care much about him at all, other than the fact he facilitates your current lifestyle. You come across as very self absorbed - me and the baby are fine, who cares about anyone else.

Solid advice.

The toddler isn't going to be fussed about his dad going away for a weekend. Plenty of kids have parents whose job/hobbies require absence.

That's sheer control.

His feelings seem to be completely disregarded. We know what happens when that occurs.

We were always quite different even when we lived in London, I never really liked the city lifestyle and I never really liked his friends as it felt like they always had to have something happening, dinner parties, nights out, sporting events, theatre shows it was relentless.

Ah so this was a problem waiting to happen really. Lots of families with young DC move out of London for the reasons you did. We were tempted but I felt I shouldn't make any such big moves until the DC were at least two and I was out of that baby blur and knew if I'd really changed or if I'd still want to be in London. As it turned out, I was right to stay put and have brought 2 DC up here (albeit zone 4), and am endlessly relieved we didn't move as I'd have been like your DH and have never grown out of wanting to live in a city with the different mix of friends and the lifestyle that gives me.

You clearly were never into that so much and are happy with the village mum friends and lifestyle not working and so on, which is fine for you, but it doesn't mean he 'just needs so make village friends' if that's not what makes him happy. Clearly it's not and was never likely to be, but in that pregnancy/new parent blur he went for it and now it's done and that's a horrible feeling, like you're stuck with no way back. If I were you, I'd look to compromise like many do with a more suburban bit of London so that you both get what you need to some extent. It's okay to have made a mistake and to find a middle way instead of all or nothing. But if you insist on staying in the village, I think it's fair enough for him to insist on going on more than one outing every x weeks and going away more, and it's not a case of you getting the same as it's not what you've wanted/prioritised.

The latter might end up driving you apart anyway, hence I'd do the move back in, at least some way. You must be pretty well off to not need to work while having a nice house in a commuter village, so I'd compromise on the garden etc and start looking at all the property threads from parents in the London stay/go dilemma and investigate areas that tick enough boxes for you both. They do exist and your DC is plenty young enough to move and start over elsewhere.

she’s amazing and been far more involved than my only family.

So your own family aren't very involved?

This doesn't bode well for your future life as a single parent. His mum may be lovely now but equally possible you find her a lot less accommodating towards you once you and her son head for inevitable Splitsville.

Why are you so determined he has to fit in with what you want all the time? Why doesn’t it ever matter what he wants too?

My sons and partners late 30s and mid forties with five kids between them, working full time. Carve out date nights and the odd weekend away.

Thank goodness they do. The kids will be gone one day so feed the romance in your relationship.

Love you are fundamentally unsuitable for each other. You seem to be a homebody, he wants city life and late nights.

Its beginning to sound a bit like now he’s given up a baby and your village life, off he can fuck and you won’t be that bothered.

“When we got married he did change jobs as his old workplace hosted a lot of evening events and there was a a subtle expectation that he would attend and I really hated this as they would always turn into 3am nights out in Soho.”

The more you add, the more you’re actually showing just how much he’s compromised and given up for you.

You need to learn to unclench and relinquish some control, otherwise he will end up feeling like a prisoner in his own home.

Don’t leave work, he is going to party, meet someone new at work, and leave.
Harsh, and I’m so sorry, but this is the start.

Fuck me you sound very controlling.

He just doesn’t sounds like a resilient person to me. Just wants all the fun & not the lifestyle changes that come with having a child.

Well if that's what he wanted, it's working out pretty badly for him isn't it? By the OP's own admission, he is pulling his weight at home and is a good parent but he has also moved from city to country, is "allowed" out one night a week with his old friends whom it turns out his wife doesn't like anyway, is now solely financially responsible for the family which, unless the OP is a lottery winner or heiress can be scary especially at the beginning, and has a wife who doesn't care to spend time with him and who has the attitude that she doesn't care if the marriage survives or not.

Your life sounds like hell to me and I am much older than you. I would be bored out of my mind but we are all different. I wonder if he would have felt differently if he had been able to go to Paris? It is a big event and one of it’s kind.

Do you think that him saying he needs breathing space is a bit of a cop out? What is he really saying? Sounds as though he isn’t ready to grow up - the fact
that all his friends are younger than him is a bad sign in my opinion.

I agree with this. For once I think this man has tried to step up to a situation he wasn't sure about & to make the best of it.

But he is finding it difficult - which isn't unsurprising given he wasn't sure about becoming a father at the time. And to his credit he has spoken up about how he feels - so many men in his situation don't do that.

However, the response seems to have just been "Oh well, tough" with no real compromise or understanding being offered.

I suspect his friends wouldn't be surprised and have discussed it with him.