DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

It's really hard to make local friends if you work in London. DH is lucky now - he has two friends who like him travelled abroad extensively for work and they are great buddies but I have known many many men who are miserable. Not only is it the train, but a drive home from the station. Otherwise it's all been around me and my school gate/local job mums. To be honest, many were different from me though I have met some fascinating people along the way.

Took me ages to find people I feel are like me (into my 50s) - my background is music despite being a teacher for years and I was so so sad for so long.

I'd move back to London in your situation - I feel my kids lost out in so many ways culturally being in the sticks though we've always had space/big garden. I loathe gardening because it's another chore and I crave bars, restaurants I don't have to drive 20 miles to, exhibitions, theatre, concerts.... Also, no-one is as interested in your child as you are. Don't forget who you are - you're not just a mum. Maybe your husband is a bit like me. I'm 61 and still don't like country life despite growing up in small villages. My name on here was goingmadinthecountry for years, and I really was going mad.

Not everyone want to escape to the country! You're young. Live a bit.

He hasn’t just decided that? They had a discussion and he suggested they consider asking his mum to come, he’s not decided anything.

That's just splitting hairs. It's not a suitable suggestion. It's an immature one.

If you read my multiple posts, I literally said that OP is acting selfishly and need to invest more in her marriage. I can think that AND think he's immature too.

You honestly sound like you don't care about him. I'm all for not being away from my children but a couple of hours for a mini date is really not too much to ask or stay up late on a Fri night or Sat and have a lie in the next morning..
You could have let him go to Paris, your son won't suffer cos Dad has gone away for the weekend and you could get your own time away in return when you want it when he's older..
You have to show compassion and compromise, you sound like you don't care at all cos you're so happy, what about him

Blimey!! you haven’t compromised at all have you?

You won’t allow an 11 month old to be away from you for more than an hour, you won’t allow him to go away for the weekend, you don’t like it when he wants to go out more than once a fortnight, you won’t do date nights, you live in a village he hates, you have friends he doesn’t.

Your solution get some local Dad friends?? I feel for your DH you haven’t listened and you don’t want to adapt even a little to make life better for him

I really think you need to sit down and talk this through- or your marriage to what sounds like a decent man and a good Dad will be over.

Can his mum come and you both go for a break together?? I would think he is pretty tired (this is not diminishing your fatigue also!!) - I wondered why he is cooking / doing bedtime every other night whilst you are on mat leave. I would have done all that during Mat leave tbh as it means the other person who is working literally never has a break apart from at lunch times which is a bit of a grind. At 11 months you could leave baby for a short period for a break I think that would do you both good.

I would probably try anything tbh to avoid him ‘taking a break’ from the relationship which it sounds like he is considering. He is just trying to appease his guilt by getting his mum to cover for him. You both going away for a couple of nights without baby is a much better idea and might save your relationship!

Sorry, but Cherchez La Femme

he doesn’t want his mum to come visit so he can go to Paris, he wants her to stay so he can go stay in a hotel/airbnb in London for a week and just get a bit of space.

That's worrying... he wants his Mum to come so he can have some space. Not so you can have space as a couple together. Your marriage is in real danger. It's not necessarily that he's having or contemplating an affair but you two are growing apart very fast.

He might feel as if you have turned into a totally different woman from the one he married. You seem to be so wrapped up in the baby that there's nothing left of the old you at all. Village life (mainly because it's good for the baby), no social life together, not even evenings together, new "mum" friends for you, for him life is work in town and commuting and old friends. What have you got left in common?

You two need to find each other again. I agree with others here - maybe his mum can do some babycare, you and he go off to town for date night and socialising with friends. Or at least some kind of socialising and adult time together. Without that you two are heading for divorce.

I don’t feel ready to leave DS with anyone who isn’t myself or DH yet.

You're going to have to get over that, if you want to save your marriage.

We were always quite different even when we lived in London, I never really liked the city lifestyle and I never really liked his friends as it felt like they always had to have something happening, dinner parties, nights out, sporting events, theatre shows it was relentless.

So you weren't very compatible anyway? Did you only get married because you were pregnant? Or did you have any deep feelings for each other?

I guess the thought of the marriage ending doesn’t scare me very much as I’m not sure we act like a married couple at all now and I’m happier than I was (not that I was sad before but I guess a new level of happiness).

Oh well if you don't want to stay married you're going about it the right way.

But life as a divorcee isn't likely to be what you want either. You can probably forget your SAHM plans for starters. And if it's not very fair for DS to miss out on another weekend while his Dad's in Paris, then how fair is divorce on your DS? How much time do you think DS will spend with his Dad?

Reading your updates I think if you don’t compromise, he’ll probably leave. I’ve no experience as a single parent but I do know having read posts on here about life with young child and no partner, I’d do pretty much anything to avoid that outcome! Especially if the partner is a good one and a good parent.

Be VERY cautious about some of the “he just needs to grow the fuck up” advice some people are giving you on here, OP… on mumsnet a lot of people think that it’s selfish and immature to have friends and a social life after becoming a parent. In reality people do want to have that stuff when they’re a parent and it’s about finding ways of making that happen - so that both mum and dad have a life outside of being a parent.
@SoCatEs

As others have said, I think your marriage is definitely in danger.
It's good that your husband has told you how he feels though, plenty of men wouldn't and you wouldn't realise until the fall out from an affair happens.

You are very much in a "baby bubble" right now but thinking your marriage ending wouldn't be that bad is very naive.

First up you will need to work so your child will be in nursery & the fees are extortionate.
Secondly, if you split up, your DH will be entitled to time with his child & you will lose that time.
Also what if your DH meets someone else who becomes a step mum to your child?

Right now you feel contented & almost invincible.
But you are actually on constantly shifting sands - bringing up a child is hard & there are always new challenges to face. Don't make the choice to face them alone because you can't be bothered to save your marriage.
Your DH is telling you & showing you how he feels. Listen to him & try to make changes because otherwise it is highly likely you will regret it.

I've literally already told you that my depression is circumstantial, due to extreme circumstances.

You are right he needs local friends but he can’t just magic them up especially when he’s feeling crap. Can you try to organise more couple/family socialising with your mum friends? Is there any sports clubs in the village? My cousin really came to life after kids when he joined a “dads” football game in his village.

I grew up in a village. Beautiful in summer but I go back to visit my parents during the winter months and I remember how miserable it could be. There's something about the dark and isolation that really seeps into your soul and gets you down.

It's in danger either way though. A marriage is always in danger if one person struggles with family life.

Your poor husband. You sound very selfish and inflexible.

I also don’t really feel comfortable with him staying out once a week, half his friends are women, some single some in relationships and while I don’t think he would cheat I also know that no one ever really thinks their partner would cheat.
I also said no to the second Paris trip as I don’t think it’s very fair on DS for him to miss out on a weekend with his dad.
We were always quite different even when we lived in London, I never really liked the city lifestyle and I never really liked his friends as it felt like they always had to have something happening, dinner parties, nights out, sporting events, theatre shows it was relentless.

So you deliberately moved him away from where he enjoyed the lifestyle and had support systems and isolated him because you didn't like his lifestyle or friends.

Why the hell did you marry him then? You don't love him. It seems more like you're using him so you can live some trad wife in the village lifestyle while he is more and more miserable.

Your marriage won't last under these conditions. Your son is likely to be missing his dad more than a weekend unless you compromise. So far, everything has been your way, he's gone along, and he has a loveless, sexless marriage and he's isolated from everything he likes doing and he's likely suffering from clinical depression.

Hey OP
DH and I had friends at a similar age. We were 25 when we had the first child and 30 having our third. We were the first of our friends to have children.
There were times we missed our old life.
Now we are mid 40s, our children are nearly 20, 17 and 15. While we are starting to get our life back our friends are in the trenches with little children.
Adjusting to a new baby and way of life is harder for some.
Sending you a hug x

I don’t understand why you keep pushing the “make local friends” narrative. Are you one of those people who doesn’t value friendships and see them as low priority/interchangeable?

I don’t see my friends as interchangeable and I imagine your husband doesn’t either. We have shared history/memories and I want those specific friends in my life, not local “stand-ins”. My friends and I have shared interests, they understand me, bring out certain traits in me, can attest to my strengths etc. It’s not the same as just trying to befriend people locally, who you might not have any shared interests with.

Logically think about it, your husband is a cosmopolitan guy who likes his cosmopolitan friends, is he really going to get along with local village men who likely have a totally different outlook on life? Villagers who might even look down on aspects of city dweller lifestyles, that your husband is clearly pining for?

I totally wouldn’t see myself as having much in common with people who live in villages, if I’m
mainly interested in progressing my career, travelling, fitness, contemporary interiors, the buzz of London life etc; and if they are more interested in raising kids, being on a lower income, not having anything to do with London, being insular etc

I am no fan of shit men who don't pull their weight, not at all. But in this case, it honestly sounds as though you don't really value your DH as anything but a facilitator of your new life as a mum. You've objectified him, he's become a father and provider, not the man you love. You are going to have to make some changes, unfortunately, if you want your marriage to last. And for goodness sake, don't have any more kids with a man who is unhappy with fatherhood just with one. That will not end well.

No, it wouldn't be.

So what is the mature way to leave? Leaving her with no offer of support? She can just say no to his mum coming

My DS is 14 months. DH has had FOUR weeks worth of solo holidays since DS was born. I have no issue with them, DS cannot be left as he's breastfed and very attached to me. DH is an otherwise excellent father and I don't understand why he should be prevented from going away when I can't. He also goes out late once a week and so do I, we alternate.

We have a trusted babysitter on Saturdays so we both go out together every 2 weeks as well.

It's all well and good throwing yourself into motherhood but you need to listen to him too.

It does come across as you are delighted to not have to bother with your partner's friends anymore and possibly quite glad that he didn't see much of them either. He is obviously much more social than you as you are glad to be free of the events and he misses them.

Your partner is not happy in the new situation. If you can afford it moving back into London could be just as easy as moving out was. Or come to a compromise on where you live but I don't think it's OK for you to decide alone.

You say if you lived in London things would be just the same but surely he could have regular evenings out with his friends, as could you.

I think in your situation you might have to decide if living in the village is more important than staying with your partner.

Feel even more sorry for him now. OP is incredibly selfish and controlling. She’s going to have fun doing shared care!

I think he'll have left you by then if you don't make changes.