DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

He sounds like a wet lettuce to me OP

honestly I see this way to much - including in my friendship circle! Baby is born, wife prioritises baby with change of lifestyle….husband sulks.

i can’t help but think the husbands are all really selfish! It’s not forever! You are not going to be a tired wife in bed early forever… or uncomfortable leaving your baby forever! he should just muddle through and stop whining about missing his old life. It’s not about him anymore!

I’ve suggested he invite his friends here but he says none of them are willing to come all the way out here as they would have to leave pretty early for trains, where as he has several friends who live in Kensington/Notting Hill/Marylebone so they can very easily all just hang out there.
His friends especially compared to my friends have had 0 interest in DS either, hardly any of his friends have met DS. This isn’t a his friends being guys vs mine being girls as we both had mixed friendships prior to the move. One of his work friends did meet DS but she barely acknowledged DS and didn’t even hold him!
Id say half the issue is his friends are all international and cosmopolitan so have no interest in the family life yet so he doesn’t see our life as exciting anymore. I really do think he’d be happier if he just made some local friends.

From your latest update, it seems like it's all about you! Quite honestly, your marriage sounds doomed and you don't even care. You didn't like your DH's friends or socialising before you married, you have had a child earlier than planned but this has worked out for you as you are happy to leave work, live in a village, have the time (and presumably financial wherewithal?) to be home and make new friends, don't care to have dates or sex with your DH, spend no social time with him because you are in bed by 9 and can't be bothered doing anything to save your marriage, apart from ban your DH from too much socialising or getting too friendly with female friends.

Sounds like DH has got on board with being an earlier than anticipated parent and is supporting your family but at the expense of living somewhere he isn't happy, misses his friends, and has a wife who doesn't seem bothered.

If your marriage does break up, are you still going to have your rural, non-working lifestyle?

It sounds like you are totally unwilling to compromise on anything, you have your dream life, village living stay at home mum, not willing to go back to work or put in any work into your relatioship by having date nights, finding a baby sitter or having fun drinks indoors on a saturday night.
You and your DH want completely different lifestyles.
I was a dreamer too, I thought my DH would turn from city loving party boy to country living chinos man who likes walks in the country. It never happened. He hasnt changed 20 years in to our relationship and we have had to compromise and accept each others lifestyles.
He goes on clubbing weeks with his friends and all night parties (very occassionally now due to age). I go for walking holidays and long walks with friends.
He hates the country, I hate the city, so we live in the burbs.
He won't wear chinos, I have to accept his questionable urban style 😂
Either you compromise or stalemate.
It sounds like he compromised a lot already and tou just want to live your dream life in the country and fuck him. He will walk away in the end unless you find a middle ground but it also sounds like you arent that bothered.

At you on a different thread?

Agree, your updated sounds selfish. This marriage is in big trouble, girl. Sorry. And unless you have some substantial financial backing, you won't be able to afford your new life in a divorce either.

You won't compromise on being away from your DS for an evening, you won't let your DH have a weekend away from DS ... you'll be very much forced to do these things – and worse – when your marriage is over if you don't take the steps to nurture it now.

Even if you’re married and have concerns about childcare you can’t afford to be financially dependent on your H, when he’s behaving like this. IMO you need to get childcare and return to work asap, in case your marriage ends or becomes intolerable.

He will either step up as a father and partner or not. If he does assume you will be willing to compromise in some ways, eg moving from the village.

YANBU to say no to his plan for his ‘me time’: selfish to say the least!

I really do think he’d be happier if he just made some local friends.

I'm sure he'd love to as well. Except he's not around a lot of the week, is busy with his child at the weekend, has a wife who won't leave the house for a few hours once in an evening with him - oh, and doesn't like him going out by himself....

Jesus. That's a shocking thing to say. Does he know or suspect it wouldn't bother you much if your marriage ended?

Of course his child free friends have no interest in meeting your baby son. That is completely to be expected. 🙄

There are some wild double standards on this thread! If a woman was feeling this way no one would be calling her selfish.

DH had PND in similar circumstances and we both worked hard to make a social life/ village and have time as a couple and for outside hobbies. We used support that was offered from grandparents etc. After second child he has been much happier. I actually struggled with the sudden lack of freedom again when DD was born!

Honestly having read your update it sounds like you don't really like or care about your partner. Remember your child deserves to have parents with a good relationship if that is at all possible. It's not ok to just expect someone to be unhappy.

I think it is controlling to say your partner can't have one night a week or a weekend away because you don't like his friends. Again imagine if this was gender flipped?

I disagree that if he made local friends he’d be happier. He enjoys his friends and the lifestyle- local friends won’t offer any of that.
i again will relate to myself at that stage- making friends in mom groups made things worse for me; I needed people around who weren’t about babies/ kids. I needed to have some connection to my pre- child self to feel ok.

I didn't say he should want to stay in it – as I said, the struggle is understandable. But as a grown adult, husband and father, you don't just decide to leave for a week and get your mum in to take your place.

You address it like an adult and manoeuvre the moveable parts of what's causing your unhappiness, including marriage counselling sooner rather than later.

OP is selfish and he is immature.

Sorry OP but I would suggest that you return to work when your maternity leave finishes . I speak as a happy SAHM .

It doesn’t sound that your marriage is working , and it doesn’t sound like you are willing to compromise . Husbands that go looking for space often don’t return . If nothing else please go together for some counselling

So, he has moved to a place where he doesn't know anyone. You go to bed at 9 and there is no sex in the relationship! It wouldn't surprise me if he left you.

I agree, I have lots of nice mum friends but my pre child friends are very important to me.

Also it's OK to want a bit of time to yourself even if you have a child!

The world doesn’t stop because you have a child. The OP may be confronted with that reality sooner than she realizes

OP I can see why he might be unhappy, you need to learn compromise or your marriage will end.

I don't understand a) why OP and DH moved out of London to a village and b) why OP's DH couldn't go to Paris again - unfair to have a second week-end away is hardly a reason.
It seems to me that OP has adjusted to village life - but may find it less enthralling when she has to commute to work - but that her DH has a juvenile bunch of friends who are so bothered about their jobs that they stay out drinking till 2 a.m. - which sounds deeply irresponsible.
There isn't much of a solution but OP's DH going on a bender in London for a week doesn't even get close. DH should do some night time get-ups so that OP isn't so tired. OP should see her GP about why she is so tired. I know a baby is hard work but bed before 9 pm is extreme and unusual, worth discussing to find any deficiencies etc.
Time for each other would be a good idea - DH's mum could come over so they can have a date night, a day out etc. But the idea of her DH going away for a week to London to have some time for himself rings alarm bells. It suggests a man not ready for responsibility and who doesn't want it. He needs new friends who are adults so that he can become one, perhaps.

I also don’t really feel comfortable with him staying out once a week, half his friends are women, some single some in relationships and while I don’t think he would cheat I also know that no one ever really thinks their partner would cheat.
I also said no to the second Paris trip as I don’t think it’s very fair on DS for him to miss out on a weekend with his dad.
**
We were always quite different even when we lived in London, I never really liked the city lifestyle and I never really liked his friends as it felt like they always had to have something happening, dinner parties, nights out, sporting events, theatre shows it was relentless.

I don't know why you chose to be together at all. You've never liked much about him and don't want to trust him.

Like others, you seem to be content without him. You just want it to be you and your baby.
A word of warning though (having been there), splitting is much, much harder than working to be together.
Sharing your precious DS, likely 50/50 and most likely with another woman too, is a killer. You don't want to spend a night away from your DS now. You won't get a choice long term.

I’d move back to the city . If you have enough savings to take three years off then maybe you could afford it ?
Kids can have a wonderful childhood in a city . And for teens it’s ideal !

He hasn’t just decided that? They had a discussion and he suggested they consider asking his mum to come, he’s not decided anything. OPs suggestion is that he gets over it, why is that better? She’s not said anything at all to suggest she’s interested in marriage counselling and won’t even consider leaving DS for more than an hour anyway. He’s done everything she’s asked, jumped straight on board when she said no to termination(quite rightly), moved to the sticks, doesn’t see his friends more than OP allows, does his fair share with their child and is happy to financially support her while she takes time out of work… but because he’s human he is unhappy in his failing marriage funnily enough. Who can blame him really.

I was going to say move back to London. I moved when I was pg to DHs very dull home town as I quit work and he worked here. It made sense to move here but I absolutely hate where we live. I feel like I made a logical choice - dh was self employed and I wanted to be a sahm, DHs family are here and we may as well live close to one of our families. We could afford a decent sized family house near parks and schools etc. we did the right thing but I literally wept with boredom so much when dcs were small. It took me YEARS to adjust and I’ve only got through it with an exit plan. Dh was fine, his siblings and school friends provided his social life but I had to build mine from scratch. I think moving to a village for a school when your baby hasn’t even been born was a big mistake, but reading your updates I get the impression you don’t actually care that much about your dh - he is not coming out of this as husband or dad of the year but at least he misses you in the evenings. I find the Paris trip absolutely bizarre - it’s the exact thing that he should be doing and you don’t want him to do it because it isn’t “fair”. Well, maybe not, but none of what is happening is fair. You think he should be fine with no social life because you didn’t really like your old one - your friendship with the London set was situational, whereas his was real, you don’t miss them, so you are happy for him to miss out on seeing them too, and also to basically lose the relationship that he had with you into the bargain. You need to decide if you want to stay married or not. If you do, then he can’t be bottom of the heap at ever turn. Babies are important, but you left all your (his) friends 5 years before school starting age for schools and are prioritising a 1yo having a nice time in the park, same as last week and the week before, over an adult having a bloody good time in Paris (obviously you should also get time and money for your things). If you don’t want to stay married you need to go back to work.

I really do think he’d be happier if he just made some local friends.

It's all on him isn't it? I'm sure he'd also be much happier if his wife cared about their marriage and was prepared to go out with him occasionally or even spend time at home talking or watching TV. If you have made a bunch of new friends, have you introduced him to their partners, had people over for dinner/BBQ, thrown a housewarming party, helped him with these desired friendships in any way?

Also, if you are expecting 20-something professionals to have any interest in your child, you are going to be sadly disappointed. Most people really don't care about other people's children at all, even if they have their own.

But if your marriage ends you will definitely have to leave your ds, quite possibly for 50 percent of the time. Is there nothing you can compromise on? The Paris trip? Your ds will be fine without his dad there for a weekend, and again if you split up he will be apart from his dad much of the time anyway.