DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

I think parenting can’t always be 50/50. Right now you’re in a good place, enjoying your life, enjoying being a mum, good social circle, content. Your DH is not. So I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving him the break he feels he needs. Totally different if you were both struggling… DS isn’t going to be impacted one bit by your DH not being there for one weekend, he’s a baby. The issue is of course if the break isn’t sufficient and he goes back to being miserable as soon as he returns, then it’s a bigger problem…

You might not be happier as a single parent sharing your child though. Come back to that message you just wrote if your husband leaves you and remind yourself that you didn’t even bother trying to save your marriage. Controlling but can’t be arsed putting any work in yourself, it’s no wonder he’s unhappy.

Agree with this tbh
You dont seem bothered or willing to be flexible because everything's good for you

He probably remembers how boring it was living in a village. Would you consider moving to a town. It would benefit your son and husband if there were things to do.

Ooof. This was quite the update.

You're happy because the new life you've created a) fits what you want and b) takes your DH away from all the bits of his life you didn't like. Your opinion of his friends and your shared life before the baby has changed a lot since your first post.

I actually think you sound quite controlling. You get to decide what's best for your DS at your partner's expense? You aren't happy with him staying out when he's with other women, though he's given no sign he'd cheat?

I appreciate you're happier, but you do realise your new SAHM lifestyle is dependent on your partner's salary, and wouldn't be possible if the marriage ends?

I don't think he's unreasonable, but I'm also not sure it will fix things longer term. It sounds like his life is a bit split in half - work and friends in London then home in your village - with you in bed pretty early. It sounds like he's feeling lonely TBH. If work was local it probably wouldn't feel so bad as he might have more friends that he could see and catch up with in evenings if he wanted.

I guess the thought of the marriage ending doesn’t scare me very much as I’m not sure we act like a married couple at all now and I’m happier than I was

That’s quite an update. You don't think it’s fair for DS to miss out on his dad being home for a single weekend but don’t care if your marriage fails and he’ll be without one or other of you for weekends for the rest of his childhood? He’s not going to pay for you to take 3 years off work and never see his child if you divorce based on what you've said about the kind of dad he is. You’ll have to get used to being without your son and his dad being able to have anyone he likes care for him on his time.

But if that’s how you feel - that you’ve got what you wanted, don’t give a fuck how he feels and he can settle or leave - then you owe it to him to be completely honest about that now. It sounds like one of those frequent “oops the pill failed” pregnancies and it’s all worked out pretty well for you. Less so for your husband or son.

I guess the thought of the marriage ending doesn’t scare me very much as I’m not sure we act like a married couple at all now and I’m happier than I was

That’s quite an update. You don't think it’s fair for DS to miss out on his dad being home for a single weekend but don’t care if your marriage fails and he’ll be without one or other of you for weekends for the rest of his childhood? He’s not going to pay for you to take 3 years off work and never see his child if you divorce based on what you've said about the kind of dad he is. You’ll have to get used to being without your son and his dad being able to have anyone he likes care for him on his time.

But if that’s how you feel - that you’ve got what you wanted, don’t give a fuck how he feels and he can settle or leave - then you owe it to him to be completely honest about that now. It sounds like one of those frequent “oops the pill failed” pregnancies and it’s all worked out pretty well for you. Less so for your husband or son.

You're coming across as very "me me me". It's all about what you want and what makes you happy, and you don't seem to give much of a shit about your husbands feelings, wants or needs.

Honestly, it sounds like you're on your way to splitting up so hopefully you're ready and prepared to support yourself as a single parent in this rural village you've chosen.

A man struggling with new baby life is not a problem. One wanting to disappear for a week and get his mummy in to do his parenting for him is quite another.

It sounds like a miserable monotonous existence for him, and for you. The early years can be like this granted but it is easier if you have friends in a similar stage in life and can build a life around weekends and more day time social stuff.

You both need to sit down and discuss this properly, particularly in the context of you taking 3+ years off [unwise I'd suggest]. I get that the enthusiasm for a night out or sex with your partner is absolutely ravaged by months of no sleep but you both need to take steps to change things.

a) get a babysitter. A good one. Lots of childminders and older experienced people are listed on relevant websites.
b) if he can afford a week in a hotel to himself is this while going to work during the day or an actual holiday? If the latter, book a break for you all. Preferably one with a baby sitting service.
c) Your baby is 11 months and to be frank your marriage is in trouble, as it often is for people in the first year. You can make this his problem or a joint problem to fix.

One night out a fortnight is a bit rubbish if you are in bed every night by 9pm. Could he stay in town one night a week and arrange to see friends?
Could you make Friday night date night and go out locally? Could you in time arrange to meet him near to work on a Thursday night and have an adults night out? You'll need an early babysitter or a willing MIL but it's doable.
Is the baby having a daytime nap regularly? Could you take one too so you can stay up until 11pm?

I’d be absolutely horrified if my husband announced he wanted to move out for a week to “get some space”. It’s really telling that you aren’t worried about that. But I think this will absolutely come back to bite you. Once he has one foot out of the door, it’s going to be a whole lot easier for him to leave altogether.

I think your marriage is in very serious danger op, and however you decide to proceed, I would bear that in mind.

He is checking out. “Space” is often code for an ow, but even if he isn’t at that stage yet, he’s on a trajectory.

I’m sympathetic to him, to an extent. I was the first of my friend group to have dc and it was like dropping off a cliff. The difference being I had very little time away from the dc, so I had to make some mum friends and build a different life.

Previous generations had better mechanisms for transitioning from lad to dad, and we’ve dumped them all. We’ve also made such a massive job out of motherhood, either expectations put on mothers beyond anything that previous generations faced, and at the same time completely undervalue the efforts of relationship nurturing between adults. Marriage is a very flimsy, tenuous arrangement in this day and age.

One of the biggest changes between us and the past is that we have dumped our sense of shame. There’s absolutely no social stigma to marriage breakdown, but also no stigma to having an affair or walking away from a young family. Women haven’t fully escaped shame because we are judged harshly for our mothering. It’s hard to see these cultural effects when you’re in the middle of the forest and staring at trees, but it is hard for marriages to survive in these societal conditions.

He’s already turned away from the marriage - his fun, his sense of self and identity are all based on his London life. When does he turn in towards you op?

What you do from here is up to you. The nice thing is that you have real choices other generations didn’t have. But make your choice with your eyes wide open.

Clearly it's not OK for him to be this depressed. You sound a bit dismissive - "this is our life now" - rather than seeking solutions as a team.

I'd sit down and brainstorm. See what he wants and what you want and find a middle ground.

Some ideas

• let him go on the next lads weekend in return for you going somewhere with your friends on another weekend.
• each have a day in London at the weekend to do whatever you like every X weeks. My DH and I do this. It's great. He goes to museums and I go to the theatre!
• move back to Central London. I actually would be seriously considering this. Then he could stay out later or go out at 9pm.
• Next time he (say) wants to go to Paris, you and the baby go too. Or extend the trip so it's partly his friends and partly family holiday.
• Make more effort with sex. Tbh I'm often not in the mood, but if I make the effort to start then I enjoy it.
• Date night once a week.
• he finds a local sports team

-invite his friends around for dinner every Friday. They can stay up chatting whilst you go to bed.

Etc etc. I don't think having JUST your partner's company is enough for most people.

It seems that the OP is quite content being funded by an unhappy packhorse who is good for bringing home the cash to fund her ideal life. And not much else.

No wonder the DH is half way out the door

Exactly. Why can't a baby go to Paris?

I was at the NFL match in London last weekend and there were babies there. Just because you have a baby doesn't mean you have to start living the life of a 90-year-old.

And a baby is not going to ever remember missing a weekend with dad. My dad worked abroad when I was a baby and 40 years later he's still my best friend. 🤷‍♀️

However, it doesn't sound like you're interested in saving the marriage.

This 100%.

Same thing on MN over and over. They have a fantasy in their head and want everyone else to do the grunt work.

Infantile and so unattractive.

don’t really feel comfortable with him staying out once a week, half his friends are women, some single some in relationships and while I don’t think he would cheat I also know that no one ever really thinks their partner would cheat.

You need to knock this thinking on the head OP. By your account, he's a committed father and committed to life with you. Telling him (or even allowing him to see you feel) that you don't trust him enough to go out with long-standing friends, because you think he's going to have a random shag before catching the 22.30 train home would be the icing on the cake, so to speak.

You don't want him to have a once-a-week social life - but instead to come home (to a place where he doesn't have friends) to spend the evening alone after you've gone to bed, to not talk about not having sex with his wife and to not make any plans to spend a few hours out with you because you don't want to leave the baby. Because he's tried to communicate with you, you know why he's unhappy and tbh, responding "I'm not going to compromise" isn't going to cut it. Nor does breezily saying "the thought of the marriage ending doesn't scare me that much." Good luck not leaving your child in someone else's care when you're a single mother who needs to work.

If you want this marriage to work, take communication seriously and start working out (and agreeing) where you both need to compromise, in all areas, including trying out a babysitter for a few hours so the two of you can have time together.

@SoCatEs- You can’t say that you aren’t prepared to compromise on dc being away from you then at the same time say you are happy for your marriage to end, do you think that just means you get to keep the current life you have, but without dh in it?!

The house will be sold, you will be expected to work. The starting point for access is 50/50. And if dh uses a nursery for his 50% of the time that is none of your business.

Perhaps reframe, because some of us with the benefit of a couple of decades on you have seen what happens when one parent is this miserable. Your lifestyle is going to change. You can work with your dh and it be minimal changes, or you can have it forced on you when he decides to leave.

Do you love him?

He isn’t asking his mum to parent for him, he is capable of parenting very well on his own as OP has clearly said. He is taking a break from his unhappy marriage with a woman who has no interest in him, spending time with him, or what he wants, she doesn’t even care if the marriage ends. Honestly who WOULD want to stay in that? He will still be able to parent perfectly well 50% of the time if he chooses once he’s left her for good

He sounds like a wet lettuce to me OP

honestly I see this way to much - including in my friendship circle! Baby is born, wife prioritises baby with change of lifestyle….husband sulks.

i can’t help but think the husbands are all really selfish! It’s not forever! You are not going to be a tired wife in bed early forever… or uncomfortable leaving your baby forever! your he should just muddle through and stop whining about missing his old life. It’s not about him anymore!

Oof, that’s a hell of an update. Sounds like you’ve checked out already.

Hi op, do you feel like your partner is shallow, superficial, hedonistic with different incompatable attitudes?

Your update makes you sound quite selfish. Sounds like you’ve got what you wanted- baby and home in a village. Youve have taken to motherhood very well and now don’t want to leave your baby even for an hour and will be taking several years off work. You’ve made local friends too so you’re filling your social cup every day.

You don’t sound like you want to be married tbh. if you do want to be married though then you need to put the work in, especially in the early days of having a family otherwise you’ll just drift apart. Your baby will be fine without you for a few hours to spend some time with your dh. You owe it to your dc to put the time in to nurture the relationship with their father.

I think he’s being selfish tbh, you’ll need to keep an eye on that as there’s nothing worse than a selfish partner when you have kids. It’s so hard when you have a baby especially the first, it’s a complete life change and your life is no longer your own. It’s a massive adjustment. There no harder job that being a stay at home parent, you don’t get to switch off it’s literally 24/7. I understand no wanting to leave your baby, are you breastfeeding? Perhaps just start with a few hours during the day and build up to an overnight/ weekend away?
What I’ve realised in my 39 years is that most men are just big kids!
I’d just worry about you and the baby, you’re responsible for your own mental health and he’s responsible for his.