DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

there does need to be a level of compromise here, he sounds miserable. Could you even try and stay up a bit later one night a week and have some quality time together?

for gods sake don’t have any more kids with him.

I'm not making it a gender issue. But honestly, this is an adult with a new child.

Moving house is no quick process, he had plenty of time to decide if moving from his current location to a rural setting would change things for the better.

But it goes to show how low peoples bar is in their expectation of how adults prioritise things like house move, impact on family, impact on self, in that order.

i haven’t managed to catch up on all the comments but I have caught the idea.

I do appreciate that the pregnancy was unexpected at the time and he did tentatively ask if I’d consider an abortion, when I said no he never mentioned it again and was all in on baby planning with me.
I can’t fault how involved he is with DS, he does all the night time work on weekends, bathes DS, plays with him everyday, takes him to the park alone for an a half an hour or so if I just want to sit and read.

I don’t want to be away from DS, that’s a non-negotiable for me right now and I won’t compromise on that.
I hate that he isn’t happy but then I feel like a lot of people find the early stages of parenthood a bit miserable and that I’m lucky in really enjoying it, I view DHs situation as more “normal”.
I also don’t really feel comfortable with him staying out once a week, half his friends are women, some single some in relationships and while I don’t think he would cheat I also know that no one ever really thinks their partner would cheat.
I also said no to the second Paris trip as I don’t think it’s very fair on DS for him to miss out on a weekend with his dad.

We were always quite different even when we lived in London, I never really liked the city lifestyle and I never really liked his friends as it felt like they always had to have something happening, dinner parties, nights out, sporting events, theatre shows it was relentless.

I guess the thought of the marriage ending doesn’t scare me very much as I’m not sure we act like a married couple at all now and I’m happier than I was (not that I was sad before but I guess a new level of happiness).

Yikes, your new life makes me want to shoot myself in the head! And I’m a woman and I’ve got 2 children.

Being a parent in zone 2 and doing it out in the sticks is massively different.

It does sound as though your husband is potentially depressed and I think it’s important to work together to try to find solutions. His life does sound like it’s changed beyond recognition and while yours has too you have had opportunities to meet lots of new people and make friends and have embraced that. I do think it’s harder for men in general to make new friends and strike up conversation - especially in terms of “parent friends”. I do really feel for your husband and I don’t agree that he needs to get on with it or grow up. He is telling you that he is unhappy and being open. However I don’t agree that his mum coming to stay so he can go away alone is a solution. It’s not the same situation but my DH was really depressed when DS was around 5 months old. He’d changed job for something that worked better for family life and hated the new job. He ended up getting signed off with stress. The similarity is that i thought the same as you, if your everyday life is the problem, a break from it isn’t the solution as nothing will change. We ended up agreeing that DH would hand in his notice and we would take some time out together and then if he couldn’t find a new job within 3 months I would go back to work earlier than planned. I didn’t want to do this (DS was long awaited and we had never planned shared parental leave - like you I’d also
made lots of friends and having a great mat leave) and luckily I didn’t have to but I would have done it because I love DH and he was so unhappy. I would also expect him to make a similar sacrifice for me. So what I’m trying to say is that you need to talk and work together to make a plan. Yes him going away for a week won’t solve anything but what would help? As PP have said I’d have let him have a second weekend away if money wasn’t the issue. Especially if you don’t yet want to
leave DS overnight. Perhaps make a plan for some date lunches / nights without DS and try to reconnect. I would also consider going back to work part time, I love feeling like me and having my own money. It wasn’t a choice for me but I would think about finances / your future and pension plus depending on your career it can be hard to walk back into a job when you are ready.

I think from your update that you’re being a bit selfish/rigid. You are happy. You don’t seem to particularly care that he’s unhappy. You don’t seem willing to bend or compromise on anything. But he can’t stay out because you’re “not comfortable”. I don’t really know what you want people to say 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you spoken about moving somewhere else. We moved to a town and that was a culture shock. Hardly anything to do for the youngsters it is depressing. You moved to a small village it won't get any easier especially when your little one gets older. You might want to consider relocating.

I think the baby + village life + long commute is right for for some people but I know I would find it difficult. Is there any evening socialising in the village? DH and I would take our DD to the pub when she was a baby. We would have a drink or dinner and she would sleep or chew on rice cakes. It was nice to get out. We also went on overnight trips to Paris and other places in the UK with her. I didn’t like leaving her as a baby but we had a lot of fun doing stuff with her in tow.

I don’t agree, resigning from
a job has clear implications in terms of finances, bills, homelessness - it’s not a decision to take lightly and has huge ramifications if you don’t have a job lined up.

kindly, I’d say the mental health experiences you describe are more of the chronic/long term nature as opposed to being depressed due to your circumstances. you might have clinical lifelong depression which isn’t necessarily the same as someone who hasn’t had depression their entire life and has a prognosis to not deal with it long term.

You sound like a grounded and responsible parent @SoCatEs youve configured your thoughts and plans around your baby. Whatever choice you make or not, go with your intuition about what your baby and you need, because it sounds like your DH is on a different life track and isn't putting you at the top of his priority list. More fool him, he'll probably regret it when it's too late!

That's very sad that you can see the marriage ending. I wonder if you have found fulfilment in your baby, and by contrast, he has lost much of his joy?
Would you consider couples counselling, or do you feel unable to compromise?

What will your life be like if your marriage ends?

You sound completely checked out TBH. Stopping your husband having a weekend away because it’s not fair on your 1 year old is frankly ridiculous.

@outerspacepotato I agree with that - I am the first one to say many blokes like the idea of a family but not the reality - but totally doing a lifestyle change and combining it with village life, commuting and you in bed at 9 - you’ve made it a very hard sell for him and no however much I loved my son I wouldn’t want that lifestyle either and would feel very fed up -

Ok I will be honest I am one of the most attachment led parents (mine are now teens) but he is 11 months letting him form attachments and feel confident without you is a good part of his development and yours as a mother.

looking at your side it does seem as if you have checked out - 9pm bedtime is lonely for him as well

do you want this relationship to last?

I don’t get this Paris thing. You don’t want to go anywhere or do anything with him but you won’t let him go and do anything with his friends either.

Have you really not had a night out or any time to yourself in 11 months?!

Wow, op sounds like you are very stubborn and have deprioritised your relationship and his feelings, no offense.

How can you say it's unfair to DS that his dad is away for a weekend when your actions and refusal to compromise is essentially killing the relationship anyway? Your DS will end up with less than 50/50 seeing his dad as I imagine DH will move back to London or somewhere closer as soon as you split and sell the house.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I think you are being a bit deluded to think you can carry on as is and just muddle through and hope DH pulls through. You will have to go back to work and get used to handing DS over if you end up splitting up, so why not put the work in now to save your marriage?

I actually think you’re behaving quite badly here. I didn’t
expect to think that.

I think people have this weird idea that remote living is like an Enid Blyon novel, with kids exploring the countryside, building dens and eating picnics lol.

OP reading your recent posts I realise now so you’re actually a single parent you got the baby and he’s got the income to support you. You’ll stay in the village and he’ll live in town. Have you ever heard of Faye Weldon?

Is it just personality differences?

My DH and I have a life like yours, we love it, but we are very similar.

It sounds like your DH is very extroverted, and you always struggled with that. I get it, but you chose to be with a man who likes a lot of social interaction, parties etc.

OP, I would be very surprised if your marriage survives, but you don't sound particularly concerned.
He didn't want children yet, isn't happy living in the sticks, and is hugely missing his old life.

I think you taking a couple of years out of work is not wise.
Your marriage isn't secure and you may well need that job.

There will be substantially less spare income for the OP to completely please herself once the marriage ends and 2 lots of housing have to be paid for .

agreed. your last post sounds like you have checked out of the marriage.

You need to start being more available to him. Find a good babysitter and go out together. Join the local tennis club if that his thing, find out how to integrate into the village.

Be honest, do you talk about anything except your baby? Have fun together?

And sorry but it’s pretty lame to be viewing separation as a possibility after such a short time and simply because he’s not happy with your chosen lifestyle. Sit and talk. Make some goals together and go back to being a married couple rather than parents who are ships that pass in the night.

Not when you're priced out of housing.