fathausen by proxy?

[Jugjug]

I’ll preface by saying I don’t judge people with overweight children in the street because I don’t know their story or if the child has health conditions or has to take medication which causes weight gain.
I also don’t judge people who give their kids the occasional treat obviously.
I also don’t judge people with overweight older children/teenagers because I remember being that age and inhaling sweets my friends brought to school.

Now thats been said I know a few parents with visibly morbidly obese toddlers and the parents make no effort to sort it out and hand them family size bags of sweets as a snack!
Surely there must be something psychologically deeper going on here munchausens maybe? I just don’t get it

You don't get it. It's not your business to judge. You're making all kinds of assumptions and thinking you know better and that you know all the parts of the issue or that you get to sit in judgement over which parts of the issue are valid and which aren't. And then you come on a forum to whip up validation for your judging.
Let's put it another way. Is it true. Is it necessary. Is it kind. Maybe. Probably not. Absolutely not.
JudgJudg

I literally lived in the same house as a mother with an obese toddler, shared the kitchen I think I have a pretty good understanding of the issue when I saw what the child was fed every day. Another one I see every day in a pushchair eating a whole five pack of big cookies. Sure though I guess being obese is just an inate part of them and the food had nothing to do with it ?

anyway yes im judging these people i know you don’t have to take it personally, as for hating fat people im literally fat myself

Internalised fat hatred. Great. Try not spilling it out on to everyone else. It's still hatred.

There is something very wrong with families whose DC are so overweight they can’t run around and who are being given sugary drinks and large amounts of sugary foods.

I don’t think I’ve seen many DC that large but they do exist sadly and there needs to be urgent intervention. But then the state doesn’t seem to have either the will or the capacity to intervene in families where there is drug use.

Now I know you’re trolling are you going to answer the question about whether you think toddlers should be morbidly obese and still be feed mounds of sweets and cakes everyday or are you going to continue to take it personally ?

I think OP there is definitely something going on with parents who feed their DC non stop sweets & treats or junk food.

My own personal opinions are more on the line with either luck of engagement with the child and parents relationship with food. So giving in with food demands or using food as entertainment (keep them quiet) is very common practice. It's easier than a firm no or offering something that is perceived healthy and has less value in their eyes. Equally if parents have learned that certain food is emotionally comforting and calming, they are more likely to use food in this way for their own children.

I don't think it's fat shaming, we should be concerned that these unhealthy eating habits are passed down the generations.

But then, British culture has an element of using something sweet as calming - cuppa anyone?

It's most likely a combination of lots of things. Very few children walk to school any more , but they all seem to do far more organised activities. When I was growing up we literally had Brownies and ballet for girls and Cubs and football for boys until teenage years. We had home cooked meals every day. Lots of us went to the local primary school and options were school dinner or go home for dinner packed lunch wasn't an option until senior school. I think snacks are a big problem. We didn't have them as kids, they had crept in when my kids were little now they are prevalent. Kids should be able to go to the park for a couple of hours without the need for a snack. They should be perfectly able to get from school to home without the need for a snack. We didn't have a mid morning snack at school. We did have milk until milk snatcher Thatcher took it away. Then we just had the water fountain

What is your AIBU though?

No, I agree with @333FionaG. It’s ignorance. It’s very unlikely to be deliberate for attention.

I do know people who don’t realise that sugar makes you fat. They just think it’s bad for your teeth. They don’t realise it turns to fat in the body.

It’s just a vicious cycle. These sweets are marketed to kids, the kids ask for them, rhey see other parents buying them and giving them to their kids so they do the same.

If you have the education to know better than this, and socialise with others who also make good choices, then you are lucky.

Others are not so lucky and are dealing with many barriers as regards poverty, education, health etc.

I think cars have something to do with this. When I was a toddler (1970s) two-car households amongst average families were rare - we didn't have a car at all! - where there was a car it usually went off to work for the day with the parent not looking after the DC - so young children had to walk once they were too big for a pushchair (or younger sibling came along). Nowadays many children get taken everywhere by car as a matter of course. They don't get the daily, regular mild exercise of walking.

That some parents are making their young kids obese on purpose (I said some before someone takes it personally)
im not saying it’s common I’m just saying I think it happens

I think there are so many variables to this and there isn't just one reason why parents who do this, do it. I teach children with ASN, some of the children I work with are huge, sometimes because the parents are extremely stressed and do what they feel they need to to placate their child, sometimes because the child is so aggressive or violent that it is far easier for the parent to give them sweets or junk any time they ask for it. It is definitely making a rod for their own back but at the same time, it is a hard hard situation so I dont judge because I know many of the parents I work with are just trying to get by in very difficult circumstances.

I dont actually agree that most parents of obese children are obese themselves, in my own experience (even outside of ASN) it's very mixed, yes some parents are big themselves and seem to see it as a normal way to eat so feed their children that way, and it comes down to genuine ignorance, but I do know a number of slim parents and grandparents who feed their children masses of junk food. I think that our need to constantly 'treat' children in certain circumstances can come into it as well. I have stepchildren who live with us full time and used to see their mum twice a week. Every time they would see her she would take them to home bargains and go to the sweet aisle and buy them masses of sweets and fizzy drinks. They would eat loads with her (we would find all the wrappers in their pockets after) but then she would send them back with more to our house. Then they would see their gran maybe once a week who would take them to mcdonalds and buy them full size meals (at 5 and 9) with fizzy juice and ice cream and sometimes a side of whatever special was in McDonalds. Both their mum and gran are slim, healthy weights but they would see it as they are giving the kids a 'treat', but it was so regular that it wasn't a treat and was actually just an awful diet. Now for different reasons they are not seeing their mum and rarely see their gran, they have become much healthier, eat a normal diet and are able to run around and play with their friends without getting constantly puffed out and needing to stop, which they always did before. However they are still obsessed with food and now that they are getting older will buy junk food any chance that they can get while out on their own and near a shop. My youngest DSS will eat more than DH or I at mealtimes and if given the chance will eat 2-3 (sometimes more) full sized adult portions, he will often watch and follow my toddler around and to pick up and eat the food she has dropped on the floor (this is after he has just eaten or had a snack himself so it's not that he's hungry), the other week I got handed back a 2 week old lunch box from my toddler's nursery that had been left there, i threw it in the kitchen sink to clean out later and later walked in on him digging in amongst the mould and fur to pick out old chocolate buttons to eat (these were not in a packet and I had just put a few in so they were in beside the mouldly food). He is now 9 and a healthy weight since coming to live with us (he was very overweight before, his older brother was obese but is now just a bit ovwrweight) but I think that there's a very good chance of him becoming overweight as an adult because of his obsession with food. Those early years are so influential.

Who doesn’t realise that eating loads of sweets and cakes will make you gain weight though? I’ve genuinely never met anyone that doesn’t know that? Especially when we’re talking toddlers who are visibly obese and they continue to hand them family size sweet bags?

self admittedly I’m pretty uneducated tbh like I said I had my first child at 16 so didn’t stay in education past this even though I’m part of the generation that technically has to stay till at least 18.

Seriously where are these grown adults that don’t know inhaling mars bars will make you big? My 8 year old knows this

Yes I agree with you on the parents not necessarily being obese themselves. The parents I’m talking about are a healthy weight or only slightly overweight

I do think that your 'by proxy' theory is interesting though. My DSC's mum fed them this way even when they lived with her, she also constantly threw out various conditions that she would say that they have (ADHD, autism, dyslexia are just a few- they have none of these things) and in the past I have wondered if trying to feed them tons of junk food was for a particular purpose or reason. One time we picked them up from her house and as she sent them out the door she was literally stuffing sweets into their mouths, into their cheeks like a hamster, to squeeze in as many as she could before they left. It was just bizarre. She would actively encourage them to be as unhealthy as possible but there was more to it than that, she would encourage them to behave weird, dress as unconventionally as possible (not because they wanted to but she would put them out to play in old ladies' nightdresses- 2 boys- wearing makeup and tell them they looked awesome), it's like she just desperately wanted them to be different. Since they have stopped living with her we have just left them to be themselves and they have shown no tendencies to any of those things (other than the food). I think that there's could definitely be a 'by proxy' element to her behaviour. I should also add that she herself very definitely not mentally well.

I dont think that all parents of obese children are doing it intentionally but there are some parents with significant issues who may well be.

I have a family member who's SDD is extremely overweight and as someone who's been overweight most of my adult life it breaks my heart to watch.
I used to pass down my youngest clothes to her my youngest is 6 years older and her clothes don't fit her anymore. She is very spoilt, an only child and her mum had an abusive relationship with her dad and I understand how it started but her mum is now in a very loving relationship and they both have been embraced by the whole family but the habits are established now.
She's 7 years old and wears womans size 14. On family meals if she can't decide what she wants from the kids menu they order her 2 meals always with large adult milkshakes the type that are like desserts and she'll also drink the 2 drinks that come with the kids meals. Relative made her dinner of fish fingers and gave her 3 fish fingers and she asked where's the rest, apparently she get the whole box of 10 normally.
She walks to school everyday and runs about with the other kids it is purely down to the amount of food she eats that she is this size and at 7 that is definitely down to the mum, who needs educating on what she is doing to her child just because she won't say no to her.

I don't think most are deliberately making their children fat, I think they don't see their child as fat or their diet as poor as they have normalised it.

People on here who say their child is very active as they do football for an hour once or twice a week. I was basically accused of child abuse for making my children walk the mile and a half to and from school each day and I was questioned about whether I was feeding then enough enough as they were all a healthy weight. Eating crap, not being active every day and being obese in now seen as normal and people rationalise their child's size by saying it's puppy fat or they're tall for their age. Just look at the US where obese toddlers like Honey Boo Boo are seen as cute. A while back I saw a recording of a toddler struggling to get on a potty as they were so overweight and all the comments were about how cute it was!

I take my child to swimming each week. In the viewing area there's a dad who is always there with his son who is about 8. Each week without fail, the dad takes out a large lunchbox, opens it and passes it to his son. It's full of unhealthy snacks. Chocolate, sweets, crisps, juice etc - loads of them. The child usually has 3 or 4 items in half an hour. This is at 10am on a Sat morning. The dad is obese and it's sad to see that he is encouraging his son to become the same. It stands out as no other child in the viewing area is eating anything at that time.

obesity correlates strongly with lower socio-economic status in the UK but there are also some cultural factors. Adult obesity rates took off the UK in the 90's and obese mums generally = obese children. There's some interesting research ideas in epigenetics where lifestyle or environmental factors have "switched on" the genes that may contribute. There are most definitely parents whose kids are fed an obesogenic diet and who sit on screen all days but battling the weight is becoming more of a problem amongst all socio-economic levels as our perception of "normal,healty weight" has changed so much.

I voted YABU because of the term "fathausen". You're talking about young children. Have a word with yourself.

I think one factor is that when you have a baby, putting on weight is a goal - you’re congratulated for having a big healthy baby. Then when you start weaning it’s the same, ooh well done doesn’t he have a great appetite etc. Most babies are quite chubby before they start walking and then they slim out, but a lot of parents seem to be in that mindset that feeding lots = good and they never get out of that!

Genetics plus environment plus parenting.

I have overweight parents, was an overheight child and went on to be a fat adult. Fatter than either of my parents as the UPFs were then available in a way there weren't to them.

My DH same age is thin with thin parents. His mother appears to exist on a diet of cake alone and yet is thinner than my mum will ever be. After many years of living with DH it's obvious that his version of being hungry is nowhere near as intense as mine. It's not that I lack willpower, it's that he doesn't even need willpower in the first place.

I point out that if we were peasants I'd survive the winter when he would starve to death. Sadly this skill is not useful to me in 21st century Britain.

Just to add - you can see the bit that isn't genetic if they have fat pets.

I used to have fat cats, I don't anymore but it's a lot more effort to keep a food obsessed cat a healthy weight and it's much easier to just give them what they want.

And even with cats, if you have littermates you can see the genetic difference between the cat that happily eats just enough and the sibling that has eaten everything in sight from the very beginning.

I grew up on benefits and fat. My mum struggled to have the money to do much with us but we could always have a hot chocolate and some cake whilst watching telly, could always get reduced cakes and biscuits from the shops. Food became a comfort. I'll always remember reading a caitlin moran article where she said food is an acceptable drug for people who are needed to be responsible in their day to day lives. I'm not overweight anymore, but it's an ongoing battle not to be.
I think the advent of social media and all the tik tok recipes that are so OTT n terms of fatband sugar haven't helped. Likewise the social media trends of having a MacDonalds, visiting the viral places, Dubai chocolate etc

Just ignore. All this 'erase from existence' schtick is nonsense that seems to have been imported from other supposedly marginalised groups.

I'm very sorry to hear that it's possible for children to suffer from lipoedema. Apparently, it's very rare condition in children.

You've made it quite clear that your concern is over children who have been neglected by their parents. Both overfeeding and underfeeding are neglect.

When I was teaching and my school reported concerns over malnourished children to social work, I didn't hear anyone telling us that we were trying to erase them from existence.

The orthopaedic paediatrician who told my mum that I needed to lose weight certainly wasn't trying to erase me.

I do notice that medics nowadays are now a bit more nervous of raising weight as an issue. When I had a scan for my legs I was told that I have a rare genetic condition which means that one leg is missing all the valves for the saphenous vein. (The other leg is normal. Apparently, I've inherited the condition from the maternal side of the family.)

I raised the topic of weight with the consultant and he confirmed that having less weight to carry around would help the condition. He was obviously surprised that I asked. I had the impression that he wouldn't have mentioned it had I not asked him.