Terrified. Please reassure me

SterlingSR · 2025-10-16T20:39:24+00:00

My (now ex) DP has made my life hell since I was about six months pregnant. Baby is now 1.5. He became an alcoholic, I asked him to sleep in a spare room, then he became addicted to porn which culminated in him seeing a prostitute (or probably more). I found out six months ago; he came clean and swore to change, started therapy and AA. For the past three months he’s been addicted to Call of Duty. A few days ago I unplugged it and when he saw, he smashed it to pieces, broke furniture and punched a hole in the wall, whilst screaming insults and threats at me. I’m getting away as soon as I can. He terrifies me and he will want to harm me for taking away his child - but he’s negligent with her and barely bothers. She hates him. Am I likely to get a non-molestation order granted? Can I insist on supervised contact only? I am absolutely terrified that our child will come to harm as a result of his negligence or because he wants to hurt me. He has EOWE for his older kids but they’ve been primarily looked after by me for years, there’s three of them so safety in numbers and they’re old enough to tell someone if he hurts them. My baby isn’t. Please tell me we will be protected by the law. I feel like maybe I should stay until she’s older so she never has to be alone with him.

FastFood · 16/10/2025 21:49

You need to get out now.
The only organisation name I can think of is Women's Aid, but I'm sure other PPs will have other organisations. You'll think about the legal aspect of it later, when you're safe.

Please get you and your baby to safety.

RoseAndGeranium · 16/10/2025 21:50

I’m sorry, I know nothing about the legal position. But I read your post and I couldn’t just leave without saying anything at all. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I really hope you’ll be able to get away somewhere safe soon and that you’re able to keep him away from your toddler. I’m wondering, and I’m sure knowledgeable people will soon be able to tell you, if there are charities that could provide you with free and confidential advice. Good luck OP x

Original poster

SterlingSR · 16/10/2025 21:54

Thank you, I have spoken to the Domestic Violence Helpline and FLOWs. They’ve told me what to do (leave, apply for a non-molestation order and don’t allow visitation until there’s a court order).

I’m just not sure what would happen next. If I’d be forced to let him take her for whole weekends I think I’d rather stay here. I can stand up to him but she can’t.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2025 21:58

Yes, I would also report the wall smash to the police (i wish i did when my ex did) I think that would help with non mol. So they can get evidence of the damage before you move out. There is also something called an occupation order I think that means you get to stay in the home if you want to? With these accusations it would definitely be supervised only at first but there is always a move towards unsupervised if they are passing alcohol hair strand tests etc … hopefully by then your child will be less vulnerable as able to speak more . Gather as much evidence as you can and don’t let him know you have any plans to leave

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2025 21:58

Court would be a long process

Original poster

SterlingSR · 16/10/2025 21:59

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2025 21:58

Yes, I would also report the wall smash to the police (i wish i did when my ex did) I think that would help with non mol. So they can get evidence of the damage before you move out. There is also something called an occupation order I think that means you get to stay in the home if you want to? With these accusations it would definitely be supervised only at first but there is always a move towards unsupervised if they are passing alcohol hair strand tests etc … hopefully by then your child will be less vulnerable as able to speak more . Gather as much evidence as you can and don’t let him know you have any plans to leave

I am afraid to report it to the police as I understand they would decide to question him, and this would make things worse at home and/or tip him off about me leaving.

I was thinking I could tell my GP? I took photos.

OP posts:

grumpygrape · 16/10/2025 22:00

OP, listen to the professionals and people on here. Nobody is telling you to stay.
Leave
LEAVE
LEAVE

menopausalfart · 16/10/2025 22:00

If something happens to you, he'll be left holding the baby with no one to protect her. Leave as soon as you can.

Original poster

SterlingSR · 16/10/2025 22:01

grumpygrape · 16/10/2025 22:00

OP, listen to the professionals and people on here. Nobody is telling you to stay.
Leave
LEAVE
LEAVE

I know that’s the safest thing for me to do, but if it means putting my baby in danger I can’t. I was hoping someone with experience would be able to say what would be likely to happen next.

OP posts:

Original poster

SterlingSR · 16/10/2025 22:02

menopausalfart · 16/10/2025 22:00

If something happens to you, he'll be left holding the baby with no one to protect her. Leave as soon as you can.

This is true. He’s never actually punched me but I think it was close this week. He’s drinking again.

OP posts:

Jollyjoy · 16/10/2025 22:04

Police evidence will very much help you with court processes and it is reasonable you would be asked why you didn’t contact the police if it was that bad. I completely understand your reasons and you are right to appraise the risk he’d pose if you did. What did the domestic violence helpline advise you re police?

noctilucentcloud · 16/10/2025 22:05

I get why you think your child will be safer if you stay, but if you stay they will continue to be exposed to violence and unhappiness which they will become more and more aware of as they get older (and the violence and control is likely to escalate). That will cause them damage - I don't say that to make you feel bad, just to provide a counter-balance to the thought your child will be safer if you stay.

You and your child deserve to be safe and happy. I think you should trust the advice of the helplines you've spoken to and make plans to leave safely and take out the non-molestation order. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Original poster

SterlingSR · 16/10/2025 22:08

Jollyjoy · 16/10/2025 22:04

Police evidence will very much help you with court processes and it is reasonable you would be asked why you didn’t contact the police if it was that bad. I completely understand your reasons and you are right to appraise the risk he’d pose if you did. What did the domestic violence helpline advise you re police?

They said photos will be enough, and if the police were called he’d probably be made to leave the house, but he’s legally allowed to retain a key and I wouldn’t feel safe here at all.

OP posts:

BaconCheeses · 16/10/2025 22:08

The younger your child is when you get out the less likely it is he will get overnight/weekends.

The older your child is the more he will play up the bond he has with her and her suitability for overnights/unsupervised.

The best you can hope for is to leave now, make it hard for him and hope the novelty of terrorising you both wears off before hes established any sort of relationship to demonstrate turning up, being on time, etc.

Original poster

SterlingSR · 16/10/2025 22:09

noctilucentcloud · 16/10/2025 22:05

I get why you think your child will be safer if you stay, but if you stay they will continue to be exposed to violence and unhappiness which they will become more and more aware of as they get older (and the violence and control is likely to escalate). That will cause them damage - I don't say that to make you feel bad, just to provide a counter-balance to the thought your child will be safer if you stay.

You and your child deserve to be safe and happy. I think you should trust the advice of the helplines you've spoken to and make plans to leave safely and take out the non-molestation order. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I know and that’s why I’m leaving. I don’t want any of the children to think this is normal. I’m just utterly broken at the idea he’ll get to have her unsupervised. He was drinking from 10am until recently, drink driving with his kids in the car, falling asleep at 2pm. It’s a completely unsafe environment for a toddler.

OP posts:

Clarinet1 · 16/10/2025 22:11

I totally understand that you want to be there for your baby and protect her but, if he turns on you, who will protect her then?
I was about to post this before you said you thought it had almost got to that point and I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time; You’ve got to get away NOW!

Lesina · 16/10/2025 22:13

How far away is your closest family and can you go there. First and foremost get you and your child to safety. After that raise the safeguarding concerns. Get to safety and take everything from there

Cheepcheepcheep · 16/10/2025 22:14

I really wouldn’t usually say this but. Disappear. Run very far away from this man.

Evehope86 · 16/10/2025 22:15

Please contact Women’s Aid and see if they offer refuge accommodation. Even short term until you can get him out the house. Just take what you need for you and baby. Contact social work and advise them if you have fears for his older children’s safety if you are not there. He could kill his kids or someone else by drink driving

mrsschneebly · 16/10/2025 22:16

He’s putting his older dc in danger too. Drink driving with them in the car? Where is their mother in this? Is she aware? Sorry I know your main priority right now if your baby and your safety but he sounds like a liability for everyone.

Court is a long and expensive process. Would he bother with it if he’s not that interested in his baby? I’d get out, block his number, get all the advice and evidence you can and wait and see if he even follows it up.

Driftingawaynow · 16/10/2025 22:17

I have some experience in this area.

There’s no point just telling the GP although you should tell them, you need to report to the police and press charges I think. I understand the situation you are in, it is not as simple as just leaving, however given what you’ve said I think even tho leaving is complicated you still need to do it. Can you move reasonable distance away to a support network so that contact becomes expensive and difficult for him?
if you can do so, I would do it now before court get involved (if they do, are you sure he will
pursue this?)
take photos of damage, get whatever evidence you can as you may need it.
Will contact fall apart with the other 3 kids without you there? Is there any kind of paper trail showing that he has not met their needs or is a safeguarding concern? This may help you if you have to persuade a judge.
the family court system is so unbelievably fucked up, I really do understand your concern.

cestlavielife · 16/10/2025 22:19

Please report
smashed it to pieces, broke furniture and punched a hole in the wall, whilst screaming insults and threats at me.

Potentially he can be cautioned by police to keep away giving you time fiorlegal wats
If you do not report now you have zero evidence

Apocketfilledwithposies · 16/10/2025 22:23

Does he have a court order for his access to his older children? Just curious if he had to fight for access or not.

Do you have any friends or family far far away? Would you consider moving far far away? Because if you could I'd seriously consider it.

Holdonforsummer · 16/10/2025 22:24

So sorry you are going through this. Please please ring the National Centre for Domestic Violence helpline. They can help you apply for a non-molestation order which will send a clear message that if he approaches you again, police will be the next step. They can help with an occupation order as well. Have you still got a health visitor? Please speak to them about getting an IDVA (independent domestic violence advocate) who can help guide you through this. Women’s Aid are good too. Stay strong and good luck.

cestlavielife · 16/10/2025 22:24

He can retain key but you can lock from inside put chain on and call 999 if he theatening and banging on door

You can change locks and "forget" to pass on his key until he goes to court for it