Terrified. Please reassure me

[SterlingSR]

My (now ex) DP has made my life hell since I was about six months pregnant. Baby is now 1.5. He became an alcoholic, I asked him to sleep in a spare room, then he became addicted to porn which culminated in him seeing a prostitute (or probably more). I found out six months ago; he came clean and swore to change, started therapy and AA. For the past three months he’s been addicted to Call of Duty. A few days ago I unplugged it and when he saw, he smashed it to pieces, broke furniture and punched a hole in the wall, whilst screaming insults and threats at me.

I’m getting away as soon as I can. He terrifies me and he will want to harm me for taking away his child - but he’s negligent with her and barely bothers. She hates him.

Am I likely to get a non-molestation order granted?

Can I insist on supervised contact only?

I am absolutely terrified that our child will come to harm as a result of his negligence or because he wants to hurt me. He has EOWE for his older kids but they’ve been primarily looked after by me for years, there’s three of them so safety in numbers and they’re old enough to tell someone if he hurts them. My baby isn’t.

Please tell me we will be protected by the law. I feel like maybe I should stay until she’s older so she never has to be alone with him.

You staying will not guarantee your baby's safety, or your own. Please speak to Women's Aid and get to a refuge. Your physical safety and that of your child is paramount. You can contact the police from there and get a non-molestation order in place. Work, childcare and pets are not a reason to stay in a dangerous home. Once you leave, everything else can be sorted. Please get yourself away to safety, this has to be your number one priority.

Yes, it covered my daughter and me. My son was already 18 and chose not to bring a non mol order - ex H stopped picking on him as he was physically strong enough to fight back m. Please do get to safety without delay.

A thought about your pets as I know it's a worry in this situation. If you have cats, Cats Protection run a scheme where a fosterer will look after your cat/s, keeping them indoors safe for you, until you are able to be reunited with them. I realise being apart will be a wrench while it lasts, but it's one less thing to worry about. The scheme is called Lifeline. All the very best, OP.

Women’s Aid is also a good place to approach and can help with legal aid as well. Please pack a bag with essentials for you and baby and hide it or give to a friend/family member in case you have to leave abruptly. Take photos of everything. Judge's will look at them. Share the photos with a friend/family member in case he tries to delete. You are strong and can do it!

Get out and report his behaviour. Good luck. You deserve better and so does your child.

No, he bowed out completely. I never got a penny in child maintenance and he didn't get visitation. He made contact much later through Facebook when DS was 19 and in university but DS said he wasn't interested in meeting him. We haven't heard from him since.

You MUST report to police if you want to have any kind of control over contact. If you don't report it it's like it didn't happen, as far as courts are concerned. If he's arrested and bail conditions are put in place he won't be able to come back to the house until you've left.

It’s worth asking for advice in the Legal section here too OP.

Please follow advice and leave. Now.

It is almost certainly going to be an arrangement where your ex dp will be given contact via a supervised contact centre. They work brilliantly for families in your situation, and your baby will be safe.

Take as much evidence as you can. Photos, recorded incidents and dates, witness amounts if you have any, threatening messages etc. this will give you a good case. You have the option to inform the police once you are safe.

Pleaae leave. You are not safe.

It will help you to have police record and non-mol
it won't help you that you are staying, even if you try and explain your reasons
its unlikely court will order you to move back or to have the baby live with him
childcare, your job etc will all sound like you don't actually think there's a safety issue-either there is or there isn't not a safety issue that's worse once your ducks are in a row

these are my views based on experiences in the family court. My ex was arrested but I dropped charges- a MAJOR regret, especially as he then went on to commit a violent attack and a previous conviction would have resulted in a different outcome

Hi SterlingSR,

We're sorry you're going through such a traumatic time.

We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters, and that you've been in contact with the Domestic Violence Helpline but we just thought we'd add some links to more organisations which can give you some support in real life.

First of all, here's a link to our domestic violence webguide.

We'd also urge you to get in touch with Women's Aid.

It's also worth checking out the Freedom Programme - we know it's helped many MNers over the years so please click on the link.

If you do ever feel you're in immediate danger, call 999. If you’re unable to speak to the operator, press 55 to let them know you need help.

We really hope you're okay, OP.

I am taking legal advice. In the past couple of days I have spoken to Women’s Aid, the DV helpline, and the police for a Claire’s Law disclosure and I’ve tried to speak to Rights of Women today (they have extremely limited opening hours and despite calling ten times they didn’t answer) or FLOWs who were supposed to call me back today with an actual legal representative). I want to feel assured he won’t get unsupervised contact before leaving. I’ve logged everything with the police and they’re calling me back to interview. I have held one secret house valuation and have two more booked.

I need to have my ducks in a row.

My SC are coming today and for their sakes I’m not doing anything to provoke him whilst they’re here.

As a side-note, a lot of these charities take hours to answer the phone, if it’s even possible to connect. Next time I’m doing anything for charity it’ll go to them.

From working in domestic abuse I would suggest you download the Hollieguard app onto your phone. I know things are really difficult for you and you want things in order before leaving but I have seen so many tragic outcomes in the past I would just leave if I were you. All it takes is an extra evening of him drinking and becoming aggressive. Do not stress about contact given the evidence you have. Just leave

I’m not sure I have enough evidence?

Exactly!!!!

Lots of good wishes op

It's so hard 💔💔

hi Op, yes it did cover DD. DS was 18 and would have needed to do his own non mol, but he chose not too as he was physically big n strong enough to fight back so ex H was less if a threat to him by then.

Go with everything you have told us. Just tell them. Any pictures/videos/voice recordings. Also please be careful he doesn’t have access to your phone (even remotely from a cloud etc) as he could read your post and find evidence to get ahead of himself! He sounds vile person and I am worried he finds out your plans when you are still at home with him. Please take care of yourself and your baby xx

Op how are you?

He’s withholding bill money. He hit his son on Sunday (not enough to leave a mark). I can’t reason with him at all; apparently all of this is my fault for prioritising the baby over him.

FLOWs didn’t call me back on Friday like they said. Rights of Women aren’t open until next Friday except for evenings. So I haven’t had any legal advice and I’m still terrified about contact.

The police said an officer would call back for a chat with me on Friday, they didn’t, nor yesterday so I called to find out what’s happening and apparently an investigation has been opened and they’re coming round at some point this week without warning. So that’s fucking great and defies all the DV advice I’ve received.

Hi

I understand your situation, it's very hard.
Are you able to call the police back and explain that they are not to turn up at the house at all due to what is going on?

That is absolutely disgraceful. Please keep HOUNDING people until you get through. Womens Aid will ensure you are safe - I would have lost my job when I worked for them if I had a woman/children that I didn’t ensure were kept safe. Can you go to one of their drop ins today? Tell them you can’t go home. He hit his son and hasn’t been lifted by police? It could be you next. Please don’t leave this until it gets even worse

Do you have anywhere else to go and stay until your new house is ready? You need to leave now OP.
I don’t want to add to your worries but if the police become aware that he has hit your child and inform social services they will question why you stayed.

I don’t know your ethnicity but there is a charity, Karma Nirvana, who help women at risk of Honour Based abuse to leave their marriages.
https://karmanirvana.org.uk/get-help/

And yes, please hound people. Go in person to the police station and state that you cannot wait for an ad hoc visit, the abuse is escalating and you and your child are at serious risk.

You need to get away safely.
Dont focus on contact that comes later. You get out you keep away you get advice you dont give your child for contact until it has gone to court.
You report the violence to his son when you away.
Dont engage or argue with him.
Dont rell him you leaving. Just leave. And prep a bag in case you need to leave in a hurry. Keep mobike charged and portable charger on you

It was violence to his son, who went back to his mum’s on Sunday night. My daughter is always with me or at nursery. I’ve cancelled my work trips this week under an excuse.

I have asked if I can go to the police station instead.

I tried to talk to him last night and got nowhere. He blames me for everything - for him being an alcoholic, for his violence. Blames his son for being naughty. It’s like talking to a brick wall. But now he’s being nice and trying to do nice things for me and I just feel sick. I’ve lost 3.5kg in a week despite eating.

What is likely to happen with the police? Will he be bailed from the house?

Apologies @SterlingSR for getting this wrong.

The police may request a no contact order from the court yes.