Terrified. Please reassure me

[SterlingSR]

My (now ex) DP has made my life hell since I was about six months pregnant. Baby is now 1.5. He became an alcoholic, I asked him to sleep in a spare room, then he became addicted to porn which culminated in him seeing a prostitute (or probably more). I found out six months ago; he came clean and swore to change, started therapy and AA. For the past three months he’s been addicted to Call of Duty. A few days ago I unplugged it and when he saw, he smashed it to pieces, broke furniture and punched a hole in the wall, whilst screaming insults and threats at me.

I’m getting away as soon as I can. He terrifies me and he will want to harm me for taking away his child - but he’s negligent with her and barely bothers. She hates him.

Am I likely to get a non-molestation order granted?

Can I insist on supervised contact only?

I am absolutely terrified that our child will come to harm as a result of his negligence or because he wants to hurt me. He has EOWE for his older kids but they’ve been primarily looked after by me for years, there’s three of them so safety in numbers and they’re old enough to tell someone if he hurts them. My baby isn’t.

Please tell me we will be protected by the law. I feel like maybe I should stay until she’s older so she never has to be alone with him.

You can do this.

Quietly get what you need together, pick up your child and leave as soon as you can, tonight if possible.

Once you're in a safe place, call the police and tell them everything. Try and talk to a female officer specialising in domestic violence. Stand your ground and make sure you're heard.

It will be ok.

I plan to go several hours away. It’s in the opposite direction to his children so he will be furious about it. I imagine he will then smash up the house and refuse to pay the mortgage but at least we’ll be safe and far away whilst it goes to court. Either that or he’ll be sensible and charming and try to discredit me, as he has been to the therapist for the past six months.

He doesn’t have a court order for the older children, his ex-wife has always been very patient with him to preserve the relationship between him and the kids. I don’t know why. I didn’t know about the drink driving until his big confessional, and I don’t think it’s written anywhere. He’s drinking again now which is very scary.

Op can make an emergency application to court for an occupation order and that can be heard within a few days.

Are you able to take any photos of the damages? Keep it as evidence. Obviously only take photos if it is safe to do so and he’s unaware.

Please keep as safe as possible. Only gather important necessities, bank cards, documents, birth certificates and passport.

If you called the police and they took him to the station, it’s likely a non molestation or no contact order would be made by the court.
If he broke that then that would give you more evidence for court re contact.

If you think it’s likely he would break the order, talk to your landlord, if it’s a rented property, about changing the locks. Yours and your baby’s safety is paramount.
I don’t know where you would stand legally on him not having a key though.

Edited to add just seen your post re mortgage, but advice still stands.

If you are able, get some documents together tonight so you have them in case you need to leave quickly.

Could you pack a bag for you and the baby and leave it in your car if you have one?

You are in danger. Your child is in danger. Call the police.

I have experience and he’s likely to seriously harm you.

My husband came into our home after I filed for divorce.
HE WAS BEYOND FURIOUS THAT I HAD FILED.
He didn’t say a single word, but the look on his face was, I wish you were dead - I’d like to kill you. I’d never seen that look before. It terrified me.
I told my lawyer and the judge granted a stay-away order immediately.

Now this was the USA, but surely a court in the UK would grant a protective order based on the graphic evidence you have, which is violent and an extreme danger to your children and you.

GET OUT!!! NOW. DON’T BE FOOLISH.

My mum stayed with my dad for similar reasons to you, afraid that we’d end up alone with him and felt she could protect us better if she was there. I am 41 now and I’ve never really mentally recovered from what I experienced and saw as a child. I spent so many years being afraid I don’t know how else to live. Even with a nice family home and a good husband I really struggle. You need to try and get your children away from him.

Your vulnerable baby is already very psychologically damaged. What is it going to take?

I did this many years ago. Walked into a police station sobbing with my baby in my arms and no shoes on. The police got me a place in a refuge and the staff there gave me all the help I needed - put me in touch with a solicitor, supported me through the process - they're experts in this. Once he realised that I had all my ducks in a row he gave up. It was a long time ago but I have never looked back. The baby I ran away with is now married, with kids of his own.

Leave op

Many strong ladies on here helped me in your shoes

Leave
Get to the police
Press charges
It will get better but you need to get out

I can’t leave immediately. I have a job that I can’t afford to lose (he has blown through all my savings), my child is in childcare here and there’s waiting lists where I’m going, I have pets who would not be safe if left, I have a majority share in this house, my only asset, and I need to understand my legal options.

I don’t think I’m imminently in danger (he has been giving me the silent treatment for several days) but I think I am in genuine danger if he knows I’m trying to leave. I need to get all my ducks in a row first without him suspecting, as he would if the police became involved right now. He has a prior history of involvement with them.

I am due to speak to two charities (FLOWS and Rights of Women) tomorrow for more help.

OP, if you can manage to go far away, then do so for your own safety and that of your toddler. It’s no good if something dreadful happens because your soon to be ex-DH drives when drunk and has an accident, or allows harm to come to your LO because of negligent behaviour while under the influence. Get out, go and see a solicitor, and go to court to get a non-molestation order. Please, as others have said, you and your toddler are not safe with him - please, leave.

Did he get visitation?

Take photos. Pop in to you local police station and ask them their advice - will they arrest him and hold him while they investigate your claims? If do that gives you time to get non mol and occupation order. When my ex was arrested for assaulting our 13 yo he was not allowed back for around 5-6 weeks while they investigated. I got non mol order and that meant he couldn’t come near or gave contact - or get anyone else to do his dirty work - for 12 months. Long enough for him to get a life somewhere else. You cannot stay with this beast. You’ll need advice on what happens with his 3 kids, probably from domestic abuse support ( eg women’s aid, or a local one). Really wish you best of luck.

Did the non mol cover the children too? Thank you

That's good that your plan is to move a few hours away, and opposite direction to his older kids. That sounds wise.

And I agree for now be very very very careful so he doesn't get wind you are preparing to leave. Try to act/react as you normally would.

If you know he is drinking driving, would you consider reporting him? You could do it as he leaves his workplace or a regular hobby place or something rather than from home so he doesn't suspect it's you. A drink driving record would show he has a drinking problem.

He’s drinking at work and hiding the empties so I can’t be sure of how much he’s drinking now. If I think he’s drink driving with the children then I will report. He’s also a very large man so he can have a lot before he’s over the limit. The baby and I are very rarely driven anywhere by him and I’ll prevent it ever happening now.

No matter how large he is, it doesn’t take much to put someone over the blood alcohol limit for driving.

Oh dear God darling I feel for you - how terrifying for you.

PP have given you excellent advice - take this & the help from Women's Aid. God Bless you & thinking of you & your little one. I'm sure it will work out for you, stay strong you have the strength of your MN friends behind you.

XX

Oh I meant the child arrangements order would be a long process so baby will be bigger and stronger before time spent with dad unsupervised.

yes, op you can apply for occupation order soon if you want to stay in the house.
however you might want to go to family and friends support hours away, and to protect yourself, if you have somewhere to stay.
you might also want to apply only for th mortgage charter to change your mortgage to interest only to reduce the payments

@SterlingSR can you leave and move a distance away. Somewhere that makes it difficult for him to travel (while drunk ) somewhere he can’t be bothered putting the effort in to see her .
Is make a plan . Go to gp first have it registered . Then id call the police. .

I do think you are best to seek legal advice before you make a move . They will
be best to advise you .
wether to report then leave or report after.

Do you wish to stay in the house ?
I think this helps answer your next move .

Someone with his temper shouldn't be near kids and it should be easy to prove. Film the interactions

Here's what will happen next if you DON'T get yourself and your baby away to safety:

That fist will land on your face.

Or your baby's.

Get yourselves out to safety now and go to the police station and ask for help.

I would advise his ex too as his time with her children is putting them in danger too.

These men are a danger to women and children, and this violent, destructive aggressive alcoholic will harm you all.

Stop wondering and hypothesising.

Act.