Dynamic between DH and ex college friend who is now our DC’s teacher…

[Greenacremile]

A bit of a strange one. Someone DH went to college with many years ago is now our DC’s teacher.

DH hasn’t been in contact with this person for years but was aware of them having become a teacher and that there was a possibility of our DC being taught by them given she teaches at the same school.

DH doesn’t do many school runs due to his job but did last week when on holiday and they were chatting like old friends across multiple days and having a right laugh. He found out she’s recently separated from the father of her two children.

He asked me yesterday if I thought it would be odd if he asked her to go for a coffee so they can catch up properly(!). I said it would probably be seen as a bit odd if a parent asked a teacher to meet socially. He disagrees, said she is an old friend and ‘there’s obviously nothing romantic, although I do remember spending many a dull lesson admiring her bottom’(!)

I just find it bloody strange…I don’t have any suspicions in that sense but it just seems unnecessary?

'although I do remember spending many a dull lesson admiring her bottom'
He said this to you about her?

Yeah he said it jokingly as he laughed afterwards but it registered as odd.

You clearly have suspicions otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

And if you don't have suspicions after he told you stared at her arse a lot then that explains why he was happy to share that information

she is an old friend and ‘there’s obviously nothing romantic, although I do remember spending many a dull lesson admiring her bottom’(!)

She's a shark in the water of your marriage. You know it and I suspect he does too. If he has any brains, he won't nudge boundaries that affect your child. Even coffee.

She's newly single, he used to fancy her or at least fantasize about her, and she will be remining him of when he was young and carefree.
Tell him to go for a coffee with a friend he already has.

A date with your approval? Just No. Has he behaved like this previously?

No he hasn’t, but I suspect for a few other reasons he is approaching mid life crisis territory.

He is asking for your blessing to take things further. Itd be a hard no from me .

I'd surface all of it.

My suggestion, "DH I hate being asked questions that put me in a shitty situation. You've asked if it's odd, I've said yes. You asked knowing it was odd. So you want me to choose between being a cool wife and waving you off to have coffee with someone whose arse you're talking about. Or tell you not to and be a controlling bitch. That's a really horrible thing to do to me. I suggest you think about your marriage and kids and make a better decision for yourself. Don't make me make decisions your conscience already knows the answer to."

Blimey with bells on - this!

This reminds me of another recent post. The response was…’What would the behaviour of a decent person in this situation be?’ ‘Do that’…and let them mull it over.

This is spot on. Exactly how it is.

LOL this is a much more succinct version of what I said!

Agree. And I would also ask him if he would be ok with me going out for a coffee with a bloke I used to perve on in college who was recently single....?

😂It's funny but it's true.

"Um wife, I know it's massively inappropriate but I would like to go on a date with a woman I have just got reacquainted with. She's recently single and I used to perve on her in college. Would that be ok with you? I just feel if you say it's ok then I can be absolved of all guilt and if anything happens then I can just put the blame on you for allowing it and I won't feel like I have done anything wrong at all as I was completely open with you"

Remember though. If she says it's not OK she's a controlling cow and therefore he has to lie and he's justified cheating.

It would be brilliant if it wasn't so utterly repulsive.

So he asked for your opinion on the situation and then dismissed your reply anyway, I wouldn’t be happy.

@MrsTerryPratchett nailed it

It's not strange at all. He fancied her and wants to take her on a date. In plain sight.

Nip it in the bud now and say you do not want him to meet up with her ever.

Don‘t give them your blessing to meet.

I'd be gobsmacked if "we should meet up for a coffee / drink" hadn't already popped up between them.

The fact that he needs to ask OP if it's OK shows that he knows it isn't.

Considering how vicious the playground is when parents believe teachers favour certain students this has disaster written all over it not only for him but you and your child too.

He is loving the attention and he is overstepping every boundary, professional and personal. Everything @MrsTerryPratchett said.

If it wasn't for the bottom comment, I wouldn't see anthing wrong. If my husband tried ot tell me I couldn't go for coffee with someone I used to be friends with, I wouldn't be impressed. The bottom bit is weird though, he shot himself in the foot with that.

It would have been fine with me until the point at which he inexplicably started reminiscing about her arse.

I sometimes don't know why women try to control men with a roving mentality. Let him do the dirty and you will truly see where you stand. You've nothing to lose if he is like this.
I would tell him he is free to meet her, but I would sit back and suspiciously observe what happens. If it becomes a 'thing', then its obviously over between you two. Why fight to keep a traitor like that onside? Save your energy and let him reveal his true agenda/thoughts.

You know what @Greenacremile , based on the bottom comment alone, this is the answer for him.