Dynamic between DH and ex college friend who is now our DC’s teacher…

[Greenacremile]

A bit of a strange one. Someone DH went to college with many years ago is now our DC’s teacher.

DH hasn’t been in contact with this person for years but was aware of them having become a teacher and that there was a possibility of our DC being taught by them given she teaches at the same school.

DH doesn’t do many school runs due to his job but did last week when on holiday and they were chatting like old friends across multiple days and having a right laugh. He found out she’s recently separated from the father of her two children.

He asked me yesterday if I thought it would be odd if he asked her to go for a coffee so they can catch up properly(!). I said it would probably be seen as a bit odd if a parent asked a teacher to meet socially. He disagrees, said she is an old friend and ‘there’s obviously nothing romantic, although I do remember spending many a dull lesson admiring her bottom’(!)

I just find it bloody strange…I don’t have any suspicions in that sense but it just seems unnecessary?

Reconnecting with old friends is often a great joy in life. I'd encourage DP to meet up with someone he used to know at university and I wouldn't expect him to do anything but encourage me.

I don't think being attracted to someone 20 years ago means that you're going to want to have an affair with them now but it was fairly stupid of him to actually say that about her arse.

Still not sure it'd be a dealbreaker though. I don't really feel the need in my relationship to prevent DP from having coffee with anyone he's ever been attracted to.

Nevermind the nasty arse comment, they should keep a little more distance due to her being DCs teacher.

Professional distance from her side, respectful distance from his.

Tell him great idea if you can go too and you can all be friends!!!

@Greenacremile, your H is playing with fire. He is attracted to this woman and what she represents - his younger self and his nostalgic feelings. He wants to act on that attraction by meeting 1:1 for a date.

He is also destabilizing your child’s school experience.

This train needs to be shut down pronto. I would use @MrsTerryPratchett‘s suggested words at 14:45. Don’t hesitate, @Greenacremile. Your marriage is under threat.

She's crossing professional boundaries, for that reason alone noooooo. To the PP who said it's OK to reconnect, sure it is.... with an old friend, not someone who used to be wank fodder for you😂

I guess if you think he’s going to cheat on you with her it’s already over, saying no makes no difference, it just speeds it up and makes it more exciting, as it will then be secret.

if you don’t think he will cheat then leave it to him. But you clearly think he wants to cheat on you , I won’t take into account the other responses as many people think every man wants to cheat on here and men and women can’t be friends.

tne point is the coffee isn’t irrelevant, the fact you don’t trust him and think he may cheat, and in fact he may be the sort to, I don’t know, but that’s the issue. Saying no you can’t have coffee doesn’t change what’s going to happen, he will do as he pleases.

id sit down and explain to him you think he’s up for a bit of extra marital so you relationship is over; as there is mo way back from that.

If you do want him to go just say and if he respects you he won’t go. Yes it is very odd and inappropriate your husband wanting to take another single woman out on a date for coffee - what next ?

Tell him not to fuck around with your children's school and make things awkward for them. He's clearly letting his dick doing the thinking for him

This! Wouldn’t have thought it weird at all until that point. He made it dodgy!

Totally inappropriate. It would probably put the teacher in an awkward position if he asked. I'm sure there will be policies about relationships with parents.

It's not only the comment about her bum it's the fact he said there’s obviously nothing romantic in him asking her for a date.
So that's the way his mind was going and he is very aware that that's how asking her for a one to one meet up will be interpreted.
He is taking the piss by asking your permission for this date. And he is giving no thought to how it will affect his children.

Another vote for this in full!

Excellent response from Mrs TP.
As usual.

No. If he were to do this, it should be near the end of the term so it won't affect your child.

If you feel you have to ban your husband from having a coffee with a woman, for any reason, then I don’t know why you are married.

I don’t understand threads where women say they wouldn’t allow their DH to go for coffee, lunch or whatever with another woman. Or their spider senses are tingling because he’s mentioned some woman’s name and they’ve banned him from spending any time with said woman.

How do people remain in marriages where they genuinely think that, given a chance, their husband will sleep with another woman so they have to put all these restrictions in place. It’s like keeping a rabid dog on a leash.

Only you know if you trust your DH or not. None of us can tell you if he is or isn’t trying to get this woman into bed. But if you don’t trust him then I don’t know see the point in your marriage.

Do you not find asking your child’s teacher for a coffee is odd? Ignoring the prior context

No the teacher element is not odd as he hasn’t just met her as his child’s teacher, he knows her as an old college friend.

The part that’s odd is asking your permission to go on a date with her.

I would have found it extremely odd if they were not previously friends. I know you’ve said ignore the prior context but that is what stands out for me - he knows her and is not just wanting to meet up with a random woman.

Otherwise yes, of course it would be bizarre for him to ask his DC’s teacher out for coffee (if he didn’t know her).

But my original points stands: regardless of how he knows her and the inappropriateness of it given her job, in a healthy marriage neither party should feel suspicious or uncomfortable about the other meeting someone of the opposite sex for a coffee.

I know that on MN this makes me naive and a ‘cool wife’😂

Meeting your child's teacher socially when that isn't already an established social pattern = odd.

Everything else aside he should hold off on instigating this until she's not longer his DC's class teacher.

Asking his wife permission to meet a female former college friend whose bum he used to admire = odd.

He should own the choice and imo do this as a group thing (with other long lost college friends) or something that you would be invited to as well (whether or not you choose to).

So I think I'd be saying "no, DH it might be too weird for both the teacher and our DC if you start meeting the teacher socially. Why not carry on being friendly when you run into her at the school gates. Next year when she's not longer DC's class teacher maybe you can decide if you want to include her in a college meet up or we could both meet her for a coffee or a meal sometime if you think we would all get on.

Bravo.

Sad as it is, I do agree with this. You shouldn’t have to provide your partner with guidance on shit like this.

Erm, not quite sure how to put this.

‘there’s obviously nothing romantic, although I do remember spending many a dull lesson admiring her bottom’(!)

Is he normally this crass about other women and you just ignore it, or is this kind of comment in this way unusual in itself?
If he said 'full disclosure, I did used to have a crush on her in college' that would be odd but one thing, but what he said was kind of off - is that normal language for him?

Dear Husband,

No, I'm not okay with you taking our son's teacher, whose ass you perved over on school, on a date. Do I really need to go into all the reasons why that would be a terrible idea? I have no problem telling her this exact thing too. Now, do you really want to go there?

I don't know the other reasons you think he's approaching midlife crisis territory but a man who respected his wife wouldn't be going on about how he used to dream about another woman's ass. He's disrespectful and seems to be fine with trampling professional boundaries and potentially making school difficult for his son.

I'd be wary. Have your ducks prepared. He sounds reckless and thoughtless.

He wants to go out alone with a woman he admits having attraction to - who is newly single. This is not an existing friend, this is a woman he used to know many years ago. Newly single. She managed to fit that info in nicely; eh? He’s giddy as a school girl talking about meeting with her and how great her arse looked back when.

No, I wouldn’t be happy.

Completely agree.

And a lot of people don't seem to understand that finding someone attractive is not the same as wanting to sleep with them, let alone cheat and blow up your existing relationship.

The vast majority of people can appreciate when someone else is or was attractive and also control themselves from doing anything about it, unless we all confine ourselves to friendships with ugly people. I'm friends with several good-looking men. Some of them have bodies I admired 20 years ago. Some of them I even slept with 20 years ago. I still socialise with them. I do not want to cheat on DP with them! And if they have any desire to sleep with me they do a good job of not letting that show - which is what actually matters.