Dynamic between DH and ex college friend who is now our DC’s teacher…

[Greenacremile]

A bit of a strange one. Someone DH went to college with many years ago is now our DC’s teacher.

DH hasn’t been in contact with this person for years but was aware of them having become a teacher and that there was a possibility of our DC being taught by them given she teaches at the same school.

DH doesn’t do many school runs due to his job but did last week when on holiday and they were chatting like old friends across multiple days and having a right laugh. He found out she’s recently separated from the father of her two children.

He asked me yesterday if I thought it would be odd if he asked her to go for a coffee so they can catch up properly(!). I said it would probably be seen as a bit odd if a parent asked a teacher to meet socially. He disagrees, said she is an old friend and ‘there’s obviously nothing romantic, although I do remember spending many a dull lesson admiring her bottom’(!)

I just find it bloody strange…I don’t have any suspicions in that sense but it just seems unnecessary?

You are still friends with these men. Totally different situation to the OPs.

YANBU OP. He’s not laying either fire.

I agree.
It would piss me off big time to have been asked.
Ick territory.

I work in an educational establishment and we have notices up in the staffroom about professional boundaries. One of these says, explicitly, that social contact or using social media to contact parents, etc- is not appropriate. If he asks her out, even “just” for coffee, he should expect her to say no, and she may find it tricky even being asked. It would potentially put her in an embarrassing position professionally.

Absolutely this. Make it 100% clear and put the ball back in his court.

The thing a lot of people don't seem to get, is that one party being in a position of power, ie Teacher/Tutor/Lecturer/Coach etc,

meeting up with a "legally over age of consent, but..." Pupil.🤢

OR a Parent for "coffee" or whatever 🙄

Is STILL potentially illegal behaviour (with a minor, or even an adult in a vulnerable position) and will potentially will get the adult in the position of power in trouble with their professional body!

Any teacher/lecturer/tutor knows this, it's drummed into us at the start of our training. It's Safeguarding 101 for educators in training.

If I were her, OP, I'd be steering well clear of any meet ups for "coffee" and TELlING HIM WHY, because she's running the risk of being hauled up for professional misconduct.

How can she defend herself from accusations of lack of impartiality towards your child, if she has a prior ( or current )relationship with your "D" H?

All you, or anyone else, has to do is make a complaint.

Does he even realise that? That's he's potentially compromising HER career? Or does he not care (because he's only thinking with his prick.)

It absolutely is odd. I am a teacher and one year my friend's son was placed in my class. We literally did not talk at all that year expect conferences as it is not a boundary you can cross. Other parents can claim favoritism and you may accidentally divulge information about other classmate. You can lose your job over it and your entire career be ruined.

That being said if she is encouraging this socializing she definitely knows it is not allowed and that would make me very suspicious. Why risk her job being so chummy with him in front of other parents?He knows it isn't appropriate and that's why he is asking all naive and coy. I would tell him given the personal relationship he had with her it is inappropriate to carry on a friendship at the expense of your child. If he continues well you have your answer.

As for the bottom comment, it is just gross. Is your husband normally this gross objectifying the women he knows? And thinking something isn't appropriate doesn't mean you don't trust your DH. It may just mean you don't want to be put in a situation that might go wrong very easily. Not everyone has the best intentions for you and your family.

They were chatting like old friends across multiple days and having a right laugh.

He asked me yesterday if I thought it would be odd if he asked her to go for a coffee so they could catch up properly (!). I said it would probably be seen as a bit odd for a parent to ask a teacher to meet socially. He disagrees, says they’re old friends ‘and there’s obviously nothing romantic, although I do remember spending many a dull lesson admiring her bottom’ (!).

@Greenacremile, it sounds like they have already been pushing boundaries at school via their overfamiliarity and in-joke laughing, and others will be noticing. She should be well aware of the serious ramifications of failing to keep a professional distance with parents.

I see an escalation. As @MissDoubleU pointed out, he sounds ‘giddy’ with his buzzy mentionitis about this woman from his past. His dismissal of your cautionary remark regarding a parent and teacher meeting socially shows his determination to reconnect with her in a more private venue, to the potential detriment of DS. I would be livid.

Lastly, it is appalling that he has relegated you to mate or sister status by (disgustingly) sharing that he frequently drooled over her bum in class. That he thought it was appropriate to divulge his ogling and get your okay to ask her for a coffee date is beyond the pale.

You would be very foolish to underreact, @Greenacremile.

Ok so normally I’d be v suspicious of this sort of thing, but I can completely picture this sort of thing being totally innocent too.
I don’t think it’s at all weird to want to go for a coffee and catch up properly - for me, it’s socially weird and awkward when you’re in that “used to know each other in the past but now you don’t but you have to interact more” situation. Like you’re forever doing that weird smile nod thing meaning “hey I remember you from years ago and we used to be friends but we’ve not mentioned it in years and now it’s weird”. It would be a way of making it less awkward and strange that a previous college friend was now my child’s teacher. Breaks the ice before a series of parents evenings.

The bottom thing - wholly depends on your DP. Can imagine mine saying something like that in a completely non dodgy way, more of a “obviously students were always eyeing each other up but nothing ever happened here”. But if it’s the sort of comment that doesn’t have you both wryly laughing at how things have changed, but actually worries you now for other reasons, then probably best trust your instincts.

Even if he did ask, she wouldn't be able to go, schools are (or should be) hot on parent/teacher communication outside of official channels. So it should be a moot point.

Pre-existing friendships are fine but you can't really call this a pre-existing friendship if they haven't seen each other since college.

I’ve just reread the OP and she said they’re already chatting and laughing a lot. So my “dispel the weirdness” theory is scotched. I’d be more cautious now. Or would say “sure would be great for us to meet her for a coffee - would be good to hear direct what you were like as a student”.

I trusted my ExH. He went for a coffee with an old friend and as @gannett said he took a great joy in reconnecting with said coffee and catch up.

They decided to extend their connection to their body parts, kept connected for 3 years.

H had a deep scar from his father cheating and told me in great detail at the beginning of the relationship what great pain it caused him when his parents split up.

I made a big assumption that he would never do it to me.I was wrong.

As for the teacher and the parents socialising rules-when lust and excitement are involved all work,moral and ethical conducts go to hell.

People involved just don’t care what havoc they cause braking up marriages and families. They don’t care about the kids at school saying to their kids “your parent is shagging the teacher”

This is happening in all environments,professional and not (in small community)

All started with a coffee and catch up

I’m still gathering pieces and licking my wounds. My marriage and family are gone. I blame coffee ☕️

that’s^ a great answer
I would also add that any of his actions would affect DC.
Tbh I would be ok with one catch up over coffee if she wasn’t my DC’s teacher.

He has openly admitted fancying her in college as an attempt to reassure you which is some weird psychology… Given their interaction, it sounds as though the attraction is still there. Meeting for coffee with your child’s teacher is inappropriate anyway, not in the least when you fancy each other and one party is married!

He’s a buffoon if he thinks this is normal or acceptable.

Years ago my son had a gorgeous young teacher, she was a mid year sub. She was lovely, a fabulous teacher, total natural, held 30 seven year olds in the palm of her hand. My son was so fond of her.

Their definitely was an increase in the Dads at drop off and pick up loitering, and several of the older mum's, made a few genuinely funny remarks about it.

Suddenly she was all business, unsmiling and super professional.
Apparently some women had made a complaint and the HT had had a word.
I felt sorry for her as I really think she was just being friendly.
I made a point of catching her to tell her what an incredible job she was doing and how much my son liked her.

I think your husband is a tit. Sister zoning you by talking about her arse is completely unacceptable.

Thanks all, we spoke about it again last night. He does seem to accept now that the dynamic with her being a teacher would make this unusual. I also said I felt uncomfortable about the comment he made. His ‘reassurance’ was to say that was many years ago and it’s not quite the same now she’s had two kids and middle age has ‘taken hold’ so his days of admiring it are long gone…

Anyway, he has no holiday from work again until December so won’t be doing any school runs so no chance of any further cosy chats between them until then.

His ‘reassurance’ was to say that was many years ago and it’s not quite the same now she’s had two kids and middle age has ‘taken hold’ so his days of admiring it are long gone…

FFS. The comment about admiring her arse was stupid but you could maybe have attributed it to foot-in-mouth syndrome, but two gross comments about this woman's looks are a bad pattern.

Whether or not he goes for a coffee with an old uni friend is not really the problem - the problem is you're married to a misgynist.

His ‘reassurance’ was to say that was many years ago and it’s not quite the same now she’s had two kids and middle age has ‘taken hold’ so his days of admiring it are long gone…

🫣 he is digging himself deeper and deeper. He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer is he. So he's basically admitting that if she was younger and had the arse she had before he'd be admiring it 🙄. By the same token he must be admiring the arses of younger women even now then?!

Yes, a stupid/clumsy thing to say at best!

I don’t think there’s many men on this planet who wouldn’t admire a women’s arse, but not many are stupid enough to admit it!

Excellent response.

Absolutely not!

Some people seem to think it's very black and white, in that either he will cheat or not. We all face temptations in life. We all have moments of being susceptible to temptation. Because we are human. Wanting to minimise temptation is not being controlling. If you're on a diet, you don't fill the fridge with cream cakes and chocolate! I don't think there is anything wrong in wanting to protect your marriage.

“Don’t make me make decisions your conscience already knows the answer to”. Wow @MrsTerryPratchettthat is an amazing sentence. Succinct but says so much. I will be bookmarking that one!

Tell him that you don't want him to go for coffee with your kids teacher who he clearly used to fancy. That he must be mad to think that would be reasonable.

If he huffs and pouts or tries to justify it then you'll just know your suspicions were correct.

He just ruined his claim it was just platonic friends as it would have been more if she’d have him, and likely she’d love to have him now!