One and done or go for the second baby?… and what made you change your mind?

[lollipopviolets]

DD turns 3 early next year
I’m 30
DH is 34

We are currently ttc baby no 2 but I’m getting cold feet.

Partly because our history of loss and going through that journey again

Partly because I feel selfish. Having one DD seems easier. She goes to bed at 7:30pm every evening, we get our own time. No newborn trenches, going through the baby stage again. DD was on nicu for a bit, had feeding issues, hated being put down, wouldn’t nap properly and hated weaning.

Yet I can’t imagine never doing this again, and I’ve always wanted 2. I can’t imagine never having newborn cuddles again or being pregnant and feeling kicks again.

We have such a good routine with DD, both of us work and life is busy.

Help!

I know that this probably isn’t helpful, but I just knew. When my oldest was maybe 6 months old I just felt that having a second was the right thing to do. We were in a similar position to you in that everything with my oldest was just perfect, but I knew I wanted another. My second was nowhere as easy as a baby as my first, but I’ve always been sure it was the right thing to do.

Similarly, after my second was born, I just knew we were done.

I wanted another but my daughter was born preemie and had a resultant disability. By the time we knew more about what her future held and felt able to add another, it was too late. I don’t regret our decision as we couldn’t have done anything else and still be sane, but I do wish my daughter had a sibling.

I don’t feel “done” deep down and that’s what makes me think we should go for it

We have always said 2 DC’s

I think it’s the worry of having more miscarriages and also restarting the baby stage again. We’ve finally got a good routine going and I feel like we’re crazy ttc again!

Following as i’m 8 months pp and struggling to decide.I’m 33 but DH is 39 so we need to decide sooner rather than later. Its been a really rough 8 months so far. i really dont want her to grow up an only child like me though!

I always say to my DH it’s like stick or twist isn’t it. I see some parents of one DC who are one and done and their life seems less hectic.

I have a couple of only child friends who do wish they had siblings though. It’s such a hard call. I know there’s plenty of only children who love being only child too.

Stop with the mealy-mouthed ‘I should probably give X a sibling’ thing. If you do not want another baby, don’t have one. Don’t make a human being because of what someone else, in the future, might possibly want, or because of someone else’s idea of what constitutes a family.

I felt that way but ultimately I think it’s better for kids to have siblings. Even if they’re not close as adults I think it’s developmentally beneficial to have a brother or sister they can play with, argue with and learn to share and care about each other.

I know I’ll get a ton of grief for this but the only children I know are all quite similar - mature beyond their years, perfectionists, take themselves quite seriously - I think having a sibling to nag/tease helps you become a more laidback person, as well as not having your every demand met instantly as there’s only 1 child to care for.

DD and DS fight like mad but love each other a lot and it’s very cute hearing them whispering and laughing to each other in the morning. If they’re not close as adults then it doesn’t change the lovely times they’re having now.

None of these are my reasons for or against having another one though?

It’s because I’ve lost babies previously and re-doing the baby stage, to be honest.

Ultimately there’s never a good reason to have a baby though is there? Most reasons are valid (apart from more benefits etc!) because as long as you’re prepared to love them and take care of them, all ‘reasons’ can be dissected and criticised as being selfish or uncertain.

I had two because I didn’t want my first born to have the burden of elderly parents in their own. Having watched my Dad struggle, not necessarily with care but decisions and just having a sibling who could share everything with.

i also wanted two as I enjoyed having a brother and wanted two children all my life.

You’ve literally said that you have only child friends who wish they had siblings.

I thought we’d be one and done (financial reasons, just a generally easier life) but I’m currently pregnant with our second.

I still have days of ‘is this the right thing to do?!’ and I’m kind of dreading the first year, but I love my DD so much, she’s the best thing I’ve ever done and she’s already so much easier.

So long term, I think adding a sibling will be the right decision for us, it’s less intense for DD, and when I pictured my life in say 10,20 years, I knew I wanted a bigger family

Ok, I was just responding to a comment. I also said many only children are happy = having another child because you want your child to have a sibling is not a good reason because you can’t be sure they will be close in the future

You have to have another child because YOU want one.

Read my op and you’ll see why I’m unsure

What is the age gap between your 2? Congratulations xx

Thank you! She’ll be 2 and a half when the new one arrives. Figured if we were going to go for it, to just do it…

I’ve read your OP. You’ve realised while trying to conceive that another child may not be what you want. So don’t have one.

I had 1 and didn’t give the thought of having 2 even the slightest consideration at any point.

We have a wonderful life with the 3 of us. I couldn’t think of anything worse than having another child.

The point is not that everyone will feel the same but that you will eventually know what is right for you and that won’t be the same outcome for everyone.

Ignore what friends are doing and work out what is best for your own family. Don’t try and replicate what others do as I can assure you they are not all thinking the same as you.

We're 99% sure we're OAD, baby is 12 months. Maybe we'll change our minds but right now we can only think of reasons not to have another. We had a MC with first pregnancy, which was very tough mentally for me. I'm not sure I can go though that again, whilst being a good mum to my daughter. Also, going back to work recently has been amazing for my mental health, and I am not sure I want to do full time parenting again if I had mat leave with a 2nd. I know it would be a very different experience 2nd time round. A lot of people are going to say they wish they did have a sibling but equally, lots of people have no contact with their siblings. Being an only child is also going to be far more common for the current generation of children, than current adults. You have to be 100% committed to have another. What does your partner think?

It's better for kids to have mentally well parents than a sibling. You are unfortunately just spouting stereotypes about onelies - you don't know every only child in the world. My daughter goes to nursery 3 days, she has plenty of time to play/argue/share.

Not to flame at all but just to say it varies, I've always been the very definition of the perfectionist/taking myself overly serious type, have worked hard to be more laid back the last few years as I've got towards middle age, and I've a younger sibling - best friend I've had since we were toddlers is the opposite (gregarious, people-person and relaxed) and she's an only child!

I love my dc enormously, but truthfully, if the world looked then the way it looks now I might have been none and done. So there's that.

Babies in booties grow into adults who have to contend with adult issues.

Yes but she has 2 parents who jump to her every whim, there will always be a parent available to see to her and waiting will never be a thing.

It’s not a binary choice of ‘one child, mentally well’ and ‘2 children, mentally ill’. Of course 2 is more stressful but it’s completely manageable, and multiple children has always been the norm until very recently in the scheme of things.

No I don’t know every single only in the world but then nor do you. We have a couple in our family and DD has several friends who are onlys, as well as friends of mine and others that I know. Yes it is true in my experience (not yours, but mine) that they tend to be very ‘mature’ and lack a silly laidback side that I can see in people with siblings. It’s hardly surprising that family set up has an effect on your personality like any other big life factor does.

Pretty sure we’re OAD but if I was your age/younger I’d find the decision a lot harder. For me the fact I was bedridden for months of pregnancy is the main decider, as I would not be able to parent my existing baby well, and being older can’t really wait until he’s at school. Other factors that push us in that direction are money/housing, the impact on my career being recoverable at this stage but probably not from two, and the fact we have a very needy sleeper and if we had the same again it would have a big impact on both of our mental and physical health. All that said there’s like 5% of me that keeps returning to the idea, mostly because I love having a sister so much. So then I think maybe in three years time if it’s possible, with all the tests… but honestly probably not. We’ll just make sure to prioritise spending time with friends and near age relations.

Oh yeah, you’ve just made a good point. I had HG in my pregnancy which meant having a fortnight off work at just 6 weeks pregnant. Had to tell everyone I was pregnant really early.

Lasted until middle of 2nd trimester.