One and done or go for the second baby?… and what made you change your mind?

[lollipopviolets]

DD turns 3 early next year
I’m 30
DH is 34

We are currently ttc baby no 2 but I’m getting cold feet.

Partly because our history of loss and going through that journey again

Partly because I feel selfish. Having one DD seems easier. She goes to bed at 7:30pm every evening, we get our own time. No newborn trenches, going through the baby stage again. DD was on nicu for a bit, had feeding issues, hated being put down, wouldn’t nap properly and hated weaning.

Yet I can’t imagine never doing this again, and I’ve always wanted 2. I can’t imagine never having newborn cuddles again or being pregnant and feeling kicks again.

We have such a good routine with DD, both of us work and life is busy.

Help!

I think if you don't feel done you're not done! Have a read of the second baby book, that really helped me when deciding. I got the wobbles too when TTC number two, it felt like such a monumental disruption to my eldest. I had no such wobbles when TTC number three.

The bond my kids have is unmatched and they would have missed out on so much love and fun if we'd stopped at one. I find being a parent of multiples easier as they have each other to play with too so some of the play demands are less on me. From dd2 being 6 months I honestly found it easier than just having one and I have cosleeping/breastfeeding until 2 children who won't be put down!

I always think of the future, babies are only little and all consuming for such a short period of time.

We're one and done. I always thought I'd have 2, but after having an easy baby and now in the not so easy toddler phase (also a traumatic birth) we decided not to. DD was a dream baby and I genuinely don't think we would cope if we had a 2nd baby who didn't sleep/ had colic while dealing with a toddler. I'm late 30s and DH is early 40s so we don't have time to have a bigger gap (which we would have done if we were younger but we didn't meet til our 30s) both get time to do our hobbies, financially we can do so much more for and with DD. If we need a babysitter it's so much easier as it's only 1 child. I feel a bit guilty that she'll be an only child but having a sibling doesn't mean they'll be close or get along. We'll just make sure we make provisions when we're older so there's not too much of a burden on her in regards to any care we may need and any wishes we have for our funerals. I'm happy with our choice.

I've got a 5 year gap.
it took us awhile to decide to have another, like yourself, we've had multiple losses, the newborn stage was hard.

our second has been a breeze. I think mostly due to knowing more of what your doing second time round, I know the sleepless nights don't last.
she has slotted right in and is honestly no bother compared to her big brother.

I am one and done. I knew when I returned to work at 13 months that I didn't need to be juggling another child. I had the easiest baby/toddler and had a feeling I wouldn't be as lucky twice 😀.

It also helped that I had a lot of support as she was just 1 and easy. Travelling with her was easy - very important, as my family and friends are spread far and wide. I could still afford to do many things, and with less considerations than would be required with 2 or more.

Now I'm a single parent, I thank God I only have 1. Life is considerably easier and still more affordable despite the COL shitshow.
Empty-nesting will also be a less protracted affair.

I was sort of the same OP, I always thought I'd have 2 and for a while after having my DD I was really sad to think it might be the only time I'd be pregnant, have a tiny baby, be on maternity leave etc because DH is older than me and already has 2 children.

Then he said he'd be up for another if I wanted one and it was me questioning myself. I always knew theoretically that I wanted a second, but the actual thought of managing another alongside DD just felt too much. She was a very difficult baby and still doesn't sleep through the night at just-turned-3, and also same as yours she's now in bed by 7.30 each night and she's becoming good company, she's so much easier to manage now and comes along with me and DH to places happily, it doesn't feel unmanageable to take her away for the weekend etc etc, whereas the thought of going back to the beginning again and having two....

However, because I knew that my overriding feeling was to have another, we began trying and I'm now (very newly) pregnant with number 2. I am happy and stressed in equal measure! TTC was stressful and so I'm glad I can get that off my mind for now, but random things about the logistics of having 2 keep popping into my head through each day. Of course things like finances, but also childcare options, managing nursery/school drop-offs, sleeping arrangements, my DD feeling sad or pushed out, actually getting them both down the stairs (we live in an upstairs flat)...lots of things.

It's a difficult decision to make but for me, ultimately, I do want a second child and I definitely would like DD to have a full sibling (she loves her older ones dearly but they are not around a lot of the time) to share memories and life with. But it certainly wasn't the easiest of choices to make, given how nice life is now with one.

Also I feel very nervous about the thought of a 2nd maternity leave. I struggle to much time alone at home with DD as it is, let alone adding a second in🙈 I've been trying not to think about how that will be with 2!

You’ll be fine I promise. Yes it’s hard. You have a wealth of knowledge this time round. I was so much more relaxed with DS, and actually enjoyed him - with DD I was busy fretting about everything and obsessively tracking her feeding and sleeping patterns.

Hearing your kids whisper to each other on Christmas morning (and every other morning in this house) is the cutest thing ever. Seeing DD wipe the slide with her coat so DS could go down without getting wet was so sweet. His eyes shine when she speaks to him and he anxiously peers around in the playground before spotting her come out of school and shouts her name. It’s just so lovely!

I’m one and done. I wondered for ages about maybe having a second but now DD is 3 and the idea of going back to the baby stage fills me with dread. I’m really enjoying where I’m at in my career. We have busy, sociable lives with lots of friends and kids around so I don’t feel like DD is missing out at all on kid company. I’m an only child myself and loved it so that is probably affecting my opinion too!
It’s better for us financially and for me mentally to have just one. Also - I find life stressful enough with one small child, hats off to anyone doing it with more than that! But generally life is pretty lovely with just one.

Also - interesting seeing people say they had a super easy baby the first time round and didn’t want to risk a second one not being so. DD has always been pretty hard work and her sleep was awful until about a year ago. I simply don’t think I can go through that again - finding it so much easier now she’s older.

Another probably not helpful answer but we just always knew we wanted 2 really and always hoped for a small age gap. Currently 8 months pregnant with our second & have a toddler, there will be 19 months between them and I’m sure we will have our struggles along the way but I know how quickly the time passes now. X

We went back and forth on having a second before deciding not to. We were one and done during our son’s first year, came round to another when he started nursery but when it was time to try we just didn’t want to. To me, the fact we were wavering tells me that we didn’t want one enough. Our main reason to have a second was potential regret and the societal pressure to provide a sibling. But I have a sibling and spent my whole life wanting to be an only child so not sure why I even considered it really.

Our life as a three is so good, I just don’t want to risk anything changing it. I figured if we had a second and regretted it, that would be far worse than the regret of not having a second.

We only ever wanted one, I was on the pill and had a tummy bug - and got pregnant. I love them both so much - both different, both adults now - but we would not have tried again if I hadn’t have made a mistake with the pill.

Second babies are nothing like the first time round. So much less angst and deciding what you think about everyone’s ideas about what you should do and who you should be. I found my second healed bits of me I didn’t know were bruised.

I’m an only child in my 50’s and I hate it. Responsible for elderly parents, no siblings to help out or talk to. It’s honestly awful. I had four children myself because I didn’t want to have an only child. I’d say defo go for it. It maybe chaos for a while but it’ll be lovely chaos 😊

It's really difficult. I wanted a second and my husband didn't massively but ended up agreeing. It was really really difficult for 2 years (covid, new baby didn't sleep or eat, I had a flare up of a chronic condition) but now its great and the siblings get on great as well.

I think two things to bear in mind are -

• there isn't a 'wrong' or a right choice here. Whichever option you choose, there will be some advantages and disadvantages but the likelihood is that everyone will make the most of the advantages and be happy with the choice you make
• not wanting the nappy / sleepless nights stage etc is a valid reason for not going ahead. But remember this is such a short part of being a parent. There will be many many other stages (family activity stage, grumpy teens phase, leaving home phase, potentially grandkids phase).

We had a very similar dilemma, and both felt undecided. I read somewhere that you will never regret having a second or a third but you might regret not doing so. DD is now 3 and we have a 12 week old DS. Best decision. The newborn stage for us is nowhere near as difficult as it was with out first and DD absolutely adores her little brother.
Never went through loss though so unable to comment on that aspect I'm afraid 💕

We were one and done for around the first 18 months or so, then I suddenly changed (hormones?) and wanted a second, who we had 2 months before DC1 turned 3.

This time I do feel done. DC2 is 2 now, and I did get the pull for another one again around 18 months in but not with the same sort of desire. I think it was more missing having a little baby, seeing my second and last grow etc, than actually wanting a baby.

I don’t regret having DC2 in the slightest, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if had we left it until DC1 was out of nappies or in school etc then we might not have had a second. I think we’d have been too far out of the baby/toddler trenches to go back in!

Short term pain, long term gain. You won't regret having a second child but you might regret not. Things might go smoother second time around, good luck.

Jesus who shat in your cornflakes????

I was firmly one and done. I was clear to all of our new friends from baby groups and family that we were perfectly happy with one. I don’t believe that children without siblings have any less of a good life. We have plenty of friends who are wonderful ones, who didn’t grow up with siblings. I could see a future where we had more money for holidays and a really close relationship with our child.

However. I am now pregnant with baby number two. We didn’t fully feel like a switch flipped or anything, but we got more open to it age 3 1/2 when life got so much easier. At 3 1/2 they can dress themselves, wipe their own bum and are conversational so way more understanding. I’m pleased that they will have a four year age gap which feels really good.

I also realise that a lot of my reservations about siblings were because we have difficult relationships with our own siblings which is highly unusual. But actually, I’m secretly jealous of my friends who are super close to their sisters or brothers. I don’t know if it’s the right choice but we’re happy about it.

That said it has got to be your choice. If you’ve had lots of losses then I would totally understand. I think there is a Reddit forum about one and done and there is plenty, and I mean plenty, of evidence there that Couples now in their 50s and 60s with one child have a super awesome relationship -
(and extra money!)

I've just turned 60 and loved growing up with my younger db. There were only 12 months between us (it's his birthday today) and we had so much fun. He died last year so now I'm an only child with parents in their 80s! I also have 4 dc.

My dad died when my first child was 6 weeks old. Up until then I hadn’t wanted another baby but I felt that when I died, I would my child not to have a sibling around. I’m not sure if I got pregnant again for the right reasons but I did!

"May not" but a baby is not like a piece of furniture you can go back and purchase next time once you've decided that, say, yes, it would fit in with the room layout after the new extension. A decision to not have a child is irreversible. The preponderance of views are that one is not ideal (though it can be sometimes, of course) so to make a decision to not have an actual family, but just an only child, for selfish reasons such as one child sleeping well NOW (not to mention the changes that will inevitably happen as with any child) is not to be taken lightly...

I’m sticking to one because of most of the reasons in your OP.

One and done 100%. So many siblings don't even get on or even bother with each other as children or as adults, they are not guaranteed friends so that reason always confuses me.