One and done or go for the second baby?… and what made you change your mind?

[lollipopviolets]

DD turns 3 early next year
I’m 30
DH is 34

We are currently ttc baby no 2 but I’m getting cold feet.

Partly because our history of loss and going through that journey again

Partly because I feel selfish. Having one DD seems easier. She goes to bed at 7:30pm every evening, we get our own time. No newborn trenches, going through the baby stage again. DD was on nicu for a bit, had feeding issues, hated being put down, wouldn’t nap properly and hated weaning.

Yet I can’t imagine never doing this again, and I’ve always wanted 2. I can’t imagine never having newborn cuddles again or being pregnant and feeling kicks again.

We have such a good routine with DD, both of us work and life is busy.

Help!

I was in your position not long ago. Three losses then a healthy DS. I really struggled with the lack of sleep when he was small and for a long time thought I was one and done, but DH and I kept going back and forth on it. When DS was 2y9m we decided we’d see what happened; to be honest, I wasn’t expecting a successful pregnancy.

I’m now 20 weeks with number 2, who’s due when DS will be 3y9m. Honestly, I still have moments of wondering if we’ve made a mistake, but we’re committed now, and I am looking forward to having a second!

It should have probably said don’t have another child based on some hypothetical relationship that siblings will have when older.

When you get married, you already have a relationship with that person. Most people get on with and still has contact with their parents as adults, it’s not guaranteed though. The advice still stands though - don’t have a child based on the hypothetical relationship and the future you envision because the reality will almost certainly fall short. You can’t guarantee a relationship between siblings.

I just always wanted two (and thought why would anyone have any more) and I found not having a third the really tough decision. If I was younger would definitely have gone for it. I loved the newborn stage though and conceived easily so didn't have any of your concerns

We’ve got an early teen, and we did try for a second but eventually decided against it. For ages I wondered if we’d made the right choice, but honestly it was absolutely the right one for our family. The “one and done” life really is its own thing, it’s not halfway between child-free and having a brood, just a completely different rhythm altogether.

Our child slots into our lives and we slot into theirs. Days out are simple, no one’s moaning because it’s too babyish or too grown up, and we can actually enjoy ourselves. If there’s a school trip away, that’s basically a ready-made date night for us. We’ve been so lucky and never even needed a babysitter because family always ask to have him for sleepovers, and he loves it.

When he has friends over, we can really make a thing of it, pick a cool outing, invite a couple of mates who would love it too, go all in with the snacks and silliness, and not worry about younger siblings being dragged along. We get to watch every single sports match (and there are so many for our child!) and we do it together – no weekends spent tag-teaming different pitches. We’re the parents turning up with extra chairs, hot chocolate, squirty cream and a bag of mini marshmallows for everyone.

Our weekends are flexible. We can finish sport and decide to stop off for a lazy pub lunch, no rushing about. A lot of our friends with more than one seem to spend their weekends in opposite directions, and while I totally get why it works for them, I’m so grateful for the calm we’ve got.

Holidays both going away plus navigating Christmas/birthday etc are a breeze too –they are a time to please, no worrying about keeping things “fair”. Our house is peaceful, no bickering, no refereeing, just a nice, easy flow and everyone is happy. Our child has always been happy being an only child.

And, being honest, sibling relationships can be really complicated from what we have experienced ourselves. We’ve always believed in chosen relationships, and our child’s built so many wonderful ones of their own.

We have 2 children, 20 months apart. The jump from one to two was enormous. We went from being able to tag team and have a break when needed, to both of us being needed most times. Maybe this is due to our second being autistic, so we do have additional challenges there, but my goodness we felt the impact. They are 6 and 8 now and things aren’t any easier. The pressures are different, but it’s not easy being a parent of two. Don’t get me wrong, love them both and wouldn’t change it for the world, but I think I was naive about the reality of how much more ‘work’ it would be than one. I’m just so glad we got most of the baby/toddler stage out the way in one go!!

Honestly can relate, we had IVF and for our second I felt so nervous about whether to go ahead or not, just last minute cold feed I guess! DD2 is 11m now and wow, I’m just so glad she is here she is brilliant. That being said, the first 6 weeks I thought we had made a mistake, up to 12 weeks I was shell shocked and 12 weeks - 6 months got easier but was still a massive juggle. The transition from 1 to 2 was so violent, we naively thought it was going to be fine ‘because we’ve done this before’ but meeting the needs of 2 is very challenging at times.

I have dd 4. Been ttc a sibling since May 23. One loss. 2 failed embryo transfers. Need a hysteroscopy to check for problems. I honestly think I have reached a point where I'm one & done. Dd is getting older, don't want a huge age gap. Fertility treatment is invasive, painful, devastating, expensive. Just want to make the most of the life I have. Too scared to draw a line under it though, just in case.

We were meant to be only having the one and had agreed on that. However when DD was toddling about it just felt like something was missing. Almost like there was meant to be another person at the dinner table. I'd had two losses before DD and she took 5 years of trying to come along. So we decided we would have a go for DS but if we had another loss or it took us up to a year with nothing then we'd just stop and be happy at one. As it happened I caught second cycle, no losses and he's a funny 4 year old now.

I had horrible morning sickness, easy pregnancy and easy birth with DD. I think if I'd had a worse experience then we wouldn't have tried again in all honesty.

Came here to say the same. I have one and would have dearly loved to have another but years of infertility sadly stole that dream from me. It hurts and I'm still working through that grief. BUT I do have the most precious bond with my one child. She's also perfectly well-adjusted, has friends, is confident etc. Some of these comments really could be a little more sensitive. Not everyone has the choice and our onlies aren't all doomed!

You are young and still have plenty of time to decide.

That said, don’t think having one older child means you have a lifetime of lovely evenings to yourself ahead. 🤣 They do not go to bed at 7:30pm forever. Eventually they need taxiing around to activities until 9pm. And then they are up watching tv and doing homework and talking and doing their hair until 11pm.

We have 2 dc and the youngest is still relatively easy to get to bed (though bedtime is about 9:30pm, he’s 7), but teen is up til 10:30/11pm wanting to chat about things. Dh and I see much less of each other now with older children than we ever did when they were babies. In the baby stage, we used to actually cook nice romantic meals together and watch films. I cannot even tell you the last time I sat in the lounge and watched anything on tv. Maybe last Christmas? Before that, maybe last summer? It’s not because we have two children though. It’s because they aren’t little anymore. So don’t let that stop you.

Sending you so much love. I know exactly how you feel. Daughter same age. Also two failed rounds of treatment. Have tried everything and just can't bear any more disappointment. Where I work there have been 4 pregnancy announcements in the space of 6 weeks and it's been tough. I hope you are as ok as you can be x

I don’t know if this is helpful, but I have two and I’m so glad I went for it! I had hideous pregnancies both times (horrendous sickness plus some other fun things) and DC1 was a colicky nightmare but DC2 has been a breeze. Obviously I have no way of predicting if the same will happen for you, and I think your fear of losses is so valid (we had 2x IVF babies, so no losses but sooo much emotional strain involved in infertility and IVF). I swore I was one and done and gave all my DC1’s baby clothes away… then one day it all felt feasible

There's no right or wrong reasons and whatever reasons people have for whatever choice people make are valid however dismissive or defensive people get.

I had a second because I always envisioned two and also because I wanted my eldest to have sibling and someone to play with. And I wanted them to have family when they are older. Yes some people might find this ridiculous but they are my reasons based on my own experience. I had great memories playing with my siblings growing up and wanted that for my son.

But like everything in life, nothing is guaranteed. I find on these threads that parents of only children can get very defensive and have a go at people when they say they wanted a second to give their child a sibling. Yes there's no guarantee that siblings get on but EQUALLY there's just as much chance their only child may grow up with a sense of loneliness and wish they had siblings. None of us know what the future holds and we have to make the decisions that are best for us.

I dreaded pregnancy and newborn, but knew we wanted to have a sibling and have the vibe that comes with having two, it's naturally a bit more relaxed and fun, a bit more kiddie centric and you connect with more families. *I know I'll be flamed for this, but just my opinion!

If you met me pregnant/newborn with my second you might have heard me muttering "you can make it to toddler, you can make it to toddler". But at about 15 months it all slotted into place for me and we have such a great family now, worth the tough couple of years.

I felt very unsure I'd have a second as wasn't natural with the baby stage but something subconsciously was making me save all of DDs stuff 'just in case'! DD got to 2.5 & I suddenly felt she was very very cute & couldn't imagine not having another child (didn't think of it as another baby) so we just decided to see what would happen. DD2 is nearly a year & while adjusting back to newborn stage with a 4 year age gap has been hard the newborn baby time has gone so quickly with having to focus on 2 children.

The thing is you can't really know what a second baby will be like. I just had my second at 41 (7 year age gap due to loss and the fact that DS was such a difficult baby that I wasn't sure I could do it again)
DD is the most delightful easy baby ever, don't get me wrong I'm tired and she's still a baby so it's still tough going but if I had had her first I think I would have gone for my second almost immediately. It's such a pleasure though the two of them together I feel as though our family is complete and I regularly get a lovely feeling of overwhelming happiness that I managed to have 2.

Those saying they had kids so they wouldn’t have an only child dealing with their elderly parents affairs. My mother is one of 4 and dealt with her mother’s recent death, funeral, wills, everything alone because her siblings have all moved away and don’t give a fuck. She also dealt with the many years of caring for her before her death alone too.

You can’t guarantee anything with siblings. I am an only child and so is my husband and we had brilliant childhoods with lots of friends (some still good friends even now) and have never wanted siblings.

Of our adult friends only a handful are fairly close with their siblings now. Most see them once or twice a year, if that, and many have nothing to do with each other at all.

I absolutely agree. I work in Older adult social care and see this all the time. I obviously went for a 2nd but not for this reason, it wasn't even a consideration!

I’m in my sixties with 2 siblings.
I had 2 children and my daughter has one and is done. She was very poorly both peri and post natal. We supported her and our Dsil through it and it was so awful we would never want her to go through it again.
I’m fairly close to my brothers although we’re scattered geographically and have been a support to each other through parental difficulties. Mum died and moving dad in his nineties. As children though my elder brother and I didn’t get on at all.
My two, girl and boy aren’t that close although they love each other and I know would be there for each other as and when things happen as my husband and I get older. They were good company together as children too.
I do worry about my granddaughter being an only one as I have no experience of it and she gets so much attention from her parents and us and none of the sharing aspect that most children experience. However we wanted 2 children not for any other reason than WE wanted them.
My husband is one of six. One sibling died, he is nc with two of them and is only really close to one sister. I guess there are no guarantees with siblings.
Good luck with your decision but make it for you and your husband, not any other factors.

One child is undeniably easier than two. But it’s not a decision you can make solely based on rational thinking. I always knew in my heart I wanted a second so we went for it, even though we knew it would be really hard work.

Having a second child is just as big a decision as whether or not to have kids in the first place!

Thought I'd have 2+ stuck at 1.

Hubby wanted 1.

Found being a mum hard and knew I'd be a worse mum to both which was the showstopper for me. Feel I could do a second now but we're a happy unit and I don't want to go through the early years again or plan my older child's weekends around a baby/toddler. Like I don't want to have to miss/juggle bowling or cinema with eldest in favour of a soft play or the weekly Reception parties.

I had this in 2020, two miscarriages in 4 months at the start of the pandemic. Son was 2.5. I'd lost one before him too. General sense of doom in the world and husband felt we couldnt cope with another loss. I nearly let him persuade me. So glad I didn't. She's 4 and the most wonderful thing. All the early baby struggles were much easier second time around. Having two is its own challenge but that awful bit where you struggle to feed them/get any sleep didnt materialise. We were much more skilled with a tiny baby the second time around. Long-term, I think that only children are harder work than two - an only child needs so much more attention whereas when my two play together or better still with cousins/neighbour kids I can get on with my own stuff. Obviously don't have a child you don't want, but I absolutely remember that sense of fear and sadness and I'm so glad we pushed on through.