One and done or go for the second baby?… and what made you change your mind?

[lollipopviolets]

DD turns 3 early next year
I’m 30
DH is 34

We are currently ttc baby no 2 but I’m getting cold feet.

Partly because our history of loss and going through that journey again

Partly because I feel selfish. Having one DD seems easier. She goes to bed at 7:30pm every evening, we get our own time. No newborn trenches, going through the baby stage again. DD was on nicu for a bit, had feeding issues, hated being put down, wouldn’t nap properly and hated weaning.

Yet I can’t imagine never doing this again, and I’ve always wanted 2. I can’t imagine never having newborn cuddles again or being pregnant and feeling kicks again.

We have such a good routine with DD, both of us work and life is busy.

Help!

I had my son at 35 (closer to 36 really!) and his birth was rough. The pregnancy was perfectly fine, but the entire birth process was awful, nothing went right. I ended up having an emergency C-section after a non-productive labour. We knew if we wanted a second baby, and due to my age (my husband is 4 years older than me), we'd need to try again within a couple of years. I was never convinced on having a second, and always said to my husband 'let's see how the birth goes with our first'. My son didn't like sleeping unless laying on me, he was breast fed but refused a bottle and it was tough. We decided not to try for a second in the end, we got to a point where my son slept and started taking a bottle, and we had a good routine. I couldn't face having another baby, in fact we had a pregnancy scare and the thought of being pregnant terrified me - my husband went for the 'snip'!!

My situation is very different as I have twins, but having 2 is pure magic now, they play together, are the best of friends, my life is far less demanding now than my friends with just 1 who need much more one on one time, as they don’t have a sibling to play with or enjoy days out etc with. The new born stage is so short lived, and you’re out the trenches in a matter of months, and then have the rest of your lives to reap the rewards x ( I say go for it!)

Was always happy with just one (for thirteen years in fact!) and then one day I just woke up and realised I wanted another. My youngest 2 are 2 1/2 years apart, so a similar ish age gap to what you might have.

Cons were: bedtime got a bit fucked up for a long while and they would often wake each other up even though they’re in separate rooms. Elder DD got sad that she wasn’t getting as much attention as she used to. More laundry. More effort to get out of the house. Harder to get things done around the house cos nap times weren’t synced. Generally I was just much more tired.

Pros: they keep each other entertained now DD2 is a little bit older. I love their sisterly bond. It’s made DD1 much calmer. I feel like a much better parent this time around because i have vastly more experience and found it less anxiety inducing.

Nobody can tell you what’s right and wrong for you, like I said, I just woke up and decided I wanted another. You wouldn’t be selfish for only having one

It’s not a guarantee but I wanted to give mine the opportunity at least, and getting on as adults isn’t the be all and end all - as I said my 2 have a lovely bond, today is as valuable as some day in the distant future when they’re 40

Sorry to jump on, I am in a similar position to you and wondered how you knew it was too late?

Stick with one. So much easier...

I get that but I've seen people say that's the only reason they did it which is silly. Being an only child is absolutely fine.

Having a second is in some ways my biggest regret. It’s hard because I love HER, so so much. I love my first. And I’m a shit mother to them both as I’m just spread too thin.

DH's dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. First person DH called was his brother (they're not close on a daily basis).

Put things into perspective for us a bit.

DD1 was never going to have any cousins, so once our generation dies it literally will just be her, and while I know family is no guarantee of anything, FIL's diagnosis really brought home how important family was to us both. So we decided to give DD the opportunity to have that.

DD2 was born when DD1 was 5 and while it's tough going backwards when DD1 was so independent (and I do look at my friend with her DD the same age as mine with some envy, as she's getting her 'life' back!) it's been worth it.

I had diabetes with both pregnancies, with DD2 from 12 weeks. I bled every 2 weeks from 6 weeks to 30ish weeks. Many hospital overnight stays! You make it work with work. My career hasn't suffered with 2 (but then I have a DH who works part time). I'm more tired (very very tired!) but I can already see the light with DD2.

With regards to easy babies. DD1 was a chill baby, slept through early (went to shit at 18 months but the early baby times were good!) and apart from a month of colic was a breeze. DD2 has been even more chill. She's the happiest little soul and doesn't need much! It is possible to have 2 chill babies! Plus you know it now. Nothing is a surprise really, and you know it ends! Sleep issues don't last forever, milk, naps, teething, tantrums... it all passes.

I was 35 and DH 40 when DD2 was born.

I had two , I just thought she needs a wee pal and that was it decided 32yrs later they are the best of friends and I’m glad I did it , yes there was hardships along the years me not working for a few of them but money is not the answer to happiness. Yes when they were in their teens they practically didn’t look at one another but it so glad now they were exactly 2 years apart.

I would ask myself - what a family looks like in my head ?
Its really hard in my experience going from one to two. Much harder.
My friend who had one child got lots of breaks as when her child had a playdate or a sleepover , she got time with her husband.
I really noticed this as was desperate for a break and with 2 under two I was never without a child with me .
However, its paid off now as they are very close and I am so happy for them.
But for me , a person who appreciate s time and space , one wd have suited my lifestyle better. But In my head I always imagined 2 or 3 dc so I followed that .

I always knew that I would have more than 1 (if not naturally I would adopt). I’m an only and I never wanted that for a child. Growing up it was lonely and now they are older it’s hard work caring for them on my own and still parenting my children. I would always want them to have someone to share the pressures with

This is very idealistic.

Adopting with a birth child is possible but not easy and can be fraught with difficulties with each child feeling like they have been dealt the bad hand.

I mean, do you honestly think that every sibling set fairly and supportively manage the needs of their ailing parents? You can’t see that often sometimes it falls to one person, often the female if there is a girl in the mix?

I absolutely do understand your reasoning as my twins were the result of ivf and came after two losses that broke my heart. I’m sure that if I’d had a successful pregnancy with a single baby instead of a twin one I would have absolutely tried again as I didn’t want to have an only child (I am an only as is my DH). Totally appreciate, given our experiences, that you cannot control these things and there may have been heartbreak along the way, but I would have needed to feel like I tried. I still sometimes wish that I’d had more children, or at least tried, as I love being a mum and having a busy household. I appreciate not everyone feels like that!

i love having 2 children- their relationship is the most precious thing to me. Did I love the lack of sleep, toddler years- no but by that basis I wouldn’t have had any children.
i lost my parents young and i think sometimes people are dismissive to the idea of their child having no one to share their past with. Can you guarantee they will also be close- no, but you can say that about all relationships.
Having siblings makes bdays, holidays and christmases much easier in the long term imo. As we won’t always be our first childs company.

I hated it, my husband quite liked it - I would not have wanted it for any child of mine, totally get that we don’t all get to choose though. My two fought a lot when little, but have a (mostly) fantastic relationship now as teens and I love to see them together.

Getting cold feed is normal! I have 3 (and done) and i always had cold feet when I was finding out I was pregnant. Once I saw them playing together and laughing, I was sure I did something right!

I was like you and questioned if I wanted another child for ages after my DD was born then she hit 18 months and I turned 36 and I panicked and realised that actually I could actually see myself with 2 children. Now im over 5 months pregnant with our second little girl and im excited and nervous about the change. We have had 3 wonderful years as a 3 and honestly my DD is perfect and completes me but im also very happy we are going to have another baby and that I will see my two girls bond and grow up together. I am also excited I get to do the baby stage again I wasn't ready to let that go tbh even if it means sleepless nights and learning how to manage 2 I am always up for a challenge 😅. I hope you manage to figure out you ultimately want to do but you wont be wrong whichever decision you make!

I think the reasons that are usually trotted out for having more children are to give them a sibling and for care in old age. I think both of these are utter crap. Don’t have a child based on some hypothetical relationship they will have as adults. They could just as easily hate each other as they do have a close bond. It also doesn’t come down to how well you parent, it’s just luck in if those personalities get along.

The care one is the biggest load of shite though - not least because I’ve not had a child to take care of me in my old age, I had a child because I wanted a child. I don’t want that burden on my child(ren). If people were really honest about not wanting to burden their children in old age, they’d be accepting of going in a care home. Even if that means using your house to pay for it and not leaving something to your children. Let’s be honest, care of elderly parents is also rarely shared evenly between siblings. There’s always one sibling who lives closer, maybe works in healthcare so it’s just easier for them anyway or is perceived to have more time. Sometimes the sibling has physical disabilities and they can’t help. Sometimes a sibling dies or is estranged from the parents. Sometimes it just comes down to which one is older or female (or the oldest female). This expectation of care being shared evenly just leads to resentment and arguments between siblings that otherwise might have got on.

I wish people would just be honest and say they wanted another child for no other reason than wanting another child. It’s the only acceptable reason to have more children.

You planned your first child and you experienced losses during that time. Despite the pain of that, you kept going because of the urge to have a baby. That desire over everything else. There’s always reasons not to have a baby and certainly to not have another baby but if you want a baby, they don’t matter. You’ll do it regardless and go through every up and down just for the remote possibility of being a parent one day. If you’re looking for excuses not to have one, that’s probably your answer.

Don’t have a child based on some hypothetical relationship they will have as adults. They could just as easily hate each other as they do have a close bond. hows that different to getting married or having one child?

I agree with all of this.

Having a first child to have a child and having a second to give the first child a sibling always seems horrible to me to be honest!

I don’t follow this at all, sorry. What do you mean?

I was one and done. In lots of ways I'd love for my daughter to have a sibling, as I've got very close relationships with mine. But our reasons were similar - I'd experienced losses, with a high likelihood of future loss, and I was very ill during my pregnancies. I didn't want to spend a big chunk of my daughter's early years being sad and ill. I also just felt like I wasn't sure I could be a good parent to two children. I'm a really brilliant mum to one child, but I honestly don't think I'd have the emotional capacity to be that good a parent to two children. She was two and a half during the start of covid too, which made everything much harder. By the time we'd come out of the difficult pandemic years, the thought of starting again from scratch seemed exhausting!

My husband and I had a lot of long talks about it, and we began to put together a list of all the ways in which our daughter's life would benefit from being an only child. More time with us, more money for adventures, having a bit more freedom to flex around her. And we've made a conscious effort to fill her life with cousins, second cousins and friends.

I wasn’t sure for years because DS1 was such a little whirlwind. I would deliberate for hours with MIL (of all people! I know! She was superb). We were trying when DS1 was four and I wasn’t sure and ready to stop, but too late; DS2 was on the way.
He was/is a dream and I loved it as I knew what I was doing second time around and we were already in the child rearing trenches.

Just adding my “story” in case it helps your thought process.