Controversial approach to Santa

[Lynsey953]

My children are 2 and 3 and I have never spoken to them about Santa. I've never said anything about him and they've never asked. We don't pay for them to see Santa and I don't allow other people to make a big deal about Santa in front of them (i.e. this present is from Santa, I would rather people say "this is from me merry Christmas").

This is how I was brought up and I have lovely memories of Christmas.

My sister in law is very upset by this and is worried that my controversial approach to Santa is going to ruin the magic for her kids. She has requested that we go to my parents house for Christmas day so that my kids don't ruin Christmas for her kids (8 and 9).

I am fine with this but I hadn't realised my approach was so controversial.

Is it? It's just what myself and my siblings always had.

I like your approach
Mine is 5- and although is aware of Santa- also knows that Santa isn't real. She worked it out as each Santa looks different about 2 years ago. I have a real issue with lying- and can't tell her he is real. So we have gone with it's a nice story lots of people like- however you don't tell people it's a story..... And like Minnie mouse, the gruffalo and others people dress up to be him
What will you do at school- ours does a yearly Santa visit for under year 3.....

Well, sure. I didn't not do it. We did Santa every year, and then when she was 5 she asked me if it was true, I said "would you like it to be true?" and she said "yes" and that was the end of it for that year. Then she twigged the Tooth Fairy somehow and after that Santa didn't stand a chance: she just told me she knew it wasn't true, and I am afraid I draw the line at telling a six year old that a thing they've worked out for themselves isn't correct when it is. That's where I think the damage is, potentially, when they are old enough to have worked it out (which I think shows a level of ability to reason and face hard truths that's actually rather good) and their parent tries to talk them out of it because the parent is less ready than they are for them to grow up a bit.

Why? They're 2 and 3. They have no concept of what Christmas 'should' look like. In any case, in many sectors someone has to work on Christmas Day and the fairest way to share it out is for everyone to take turns and people working could always have a celebration on another day.

Did you miss the part that the OPs DH is a paediatric doctor so an essential worker? You'd be the first to complain if your child couldn't access medical services if needed on any day of the year and likely if there was no-one working on Christmas Day because everyone was at home playing make believe to their children who are too young to understand anyway.

I think parents should do as they think best for their own. But the issue for me is deciding for other families what is best for their children.

So long as your DD knows not to ruin it for the families who do want to preserve the tradition I don't see a problem with what happens or is said in your own home.

If everyone raised their kids to know that people beleive different things, and to respect that, there would be no "spoiling". I don't ask my children to lie, I do ask them to respect what others beleive. I would expect the same in return.

There's a balance to be struck between everyone having to be together all the time and a father of young children actively choosing to be at work instead of with his own kids on Christmas Day.

If you're a doctor in a 24/7/365 specialism then of course you should take your turn at working on days like Christmas Day. But actively volunteering for it when you have young kids at home is weird. Usually the kind of people who actively volunteer to work on Christmas Day are people who don't celebrate Christmas or have young kids, and it's a selfless gesture to enable people who do have young kids - such as the OP's husband - to celebrate with them.

As a 10 or 11 year old child I would be far more upset about my dad actively choosing to spend Christmas Day with other kids rather than with us than I would about figuring out either that my parents deprived us of the magic of Santa which normal kids got to enjoy, or that they lied to us about Santa existing when he doesn't.

Are we not saying the same thing? I'm sorry, I seem to have missed a nuance.

You do you but it’s a bit odd. Won’t they question why Santa doesn’t visit them when they start school?

For instance, my dc know some children who do not celebrate Christmas because it isn't their religion.

They don't make up what Father Christmas brought them or anything; but they do ask my dc how their Christmas was. They just say they don't have Christmas or Santa coming because of their religion.

Which is not involving them in a lie.

We don't do Santa because Santa isn't real. They are allowed to say so to their friends. Would you consider that "spoiling" it?

Obviously it would be spoiling if if their friends believe that Santa is real.

Well no because kids should be aware that people believe different things. I don't expect my children to lie, I also expect them to accept what their friends believe. And vice versa.

Only if they aren't taught to understand that not every family does Santa. Of course he won't come to families who don't do Santa but he comes to families who do believe.

Part of accepting what their friends believe is keeping quiet and not spoiling it for them.

Oh, yes, I would.

Are they also allowed to tell their friends they are ugly? Cos that's sometimes true too.

A filter that respects different beliefs and traditions is a good tool for children to learn.

Small children are not capable of intentionally spoiling lies though. That's not a realistic expectation. If you go along with a convoluted tale, it is on you to teach your kids that not everyone shares that belief and practice.

Bloody awful to deny your children a lovely old tradition.

Right, but saying that isn't the same thing as saying, "Santa isn't real."

Honestly, I do think that parents who choose not to do Santa should tell their kids that many of their friends love Santa and believe in him and that it would be mean to spoil it for them so they should just avoid talking about Santa.

I think expecting a small child to do that, especially around Christmas when children who do believe in Santa and will be talking about it constantly is asking a lot.

Ultimately, it really isn't their responsibility. Now, going out of their way to spoil it is completely different but simply saying that Santa doesn't come to their house because they don't believe in Santa when the subject comes up is absolutely fine.

I’ve never made a big deal of Santa with DS because I never believed. My preschool teacher told me us a story of having seen Santa and it was so full of holes, I worked out quickly that Santa was just make believe. Didn’t bother me, I enjoyed make believe.

We‘ve always done stockings. As well as St Nicholas Day (6th December), who the Kindergarten used to search out in the forest. He enjoyed that, although quickly worked out it was the Vicar in a bishop’s costume.

We‘ve always participated, also with the Easter Bunny, but I‘ve never mentioned Santa or claimed any of it was real. Or done Elf on the Shelf. Or talked about the nice list. Or told him to go to sleep so Santa could come.

DS doesn’t believe, but enjoys the make believe. And we‘ve always had other traditions from Autumn onwards so it doesn’t all hinge on Santa.

You know you can still do all that stuff without tricking your children into believing it's real?
My kids have never been told that Santa is real and if they ask I say it's up to them to believe. I don't go out of my way to force them to believe by making fake footprints etc. But we do still put out a mince pie and carrot because it's a tradition, I did it every year growing up even though I didn't believe and knew my dad ate the mince pie! It's just fun and make believe.

My kids have stockings, presents that appear under the tree, and we have baubles with santa on I think. It's not like he doesn't exist, he's just the same nice story as elves, nisse, and all the other Christmas tales we tell around that time of year.

Some people seem to think that if you don't force your kids to believe in santa, you don't do anything fun or magical at Christmas. It's bizarre.

Santa is literally based on Saint Nicholas.

I have more than once had a child come home upset because ‘x says we don’t have an elf because im naughty’. My youngest thought she was bad 😡 but my eldest said, quite rightly “he can say I’m bad but I have to be kind and not tell him his stupid elf isn’t real”

I also find myself having to defend my 6 or 7 year old not believing “oh what a shame” “oh no who told her?!” as if I’ve said my child doesn’t believe in love. This is followed by “well she better not tell x” like because my kid doesn’t do Santa they must be a dick.

And you know what? The Hindu or Muslim at our school dont seem to get this shit. So the kids are capable of understanding not everyone does it.

I grew up knowing Santa wasn't real. It was horrible being one of the only kids in the class whilst everyone else enjoyed the magic and fun of talking about Santa. I felt I missed out and felt very bitter about my parents not doing the same for me. So whilst your experience was fine it may not be the same for your children.

Whilst I agree with your kids, your rules, I would think about how it looks from your childrens point of view and when everyone is talking about Santa they might feel left out.

You do you.

That said my mom really regrets not doing the Santa thing when we were kids as she realizes how much 'magic' we missed out on. A lot of the Santa thing is for the enjoyment of the parents.

That said, I really loved Christmas and didn't care that I was told that Santa was not real from the get go, but we still did the Santa visit and stockings. We just knew it was pretend.

I wasn't able to have kids, but if I did I would have them believe in Santa.