9 year old niece behaviour is problematic

[NavyFox]

9 year old behaviour
Anybody else struggle with behaviour of their 9 Yr olds?

My niece is 9 years old and is becoming a problem with her behaviour.

The way she talks to me is so rude. I greeted her at the school gates with my sister and she rolled her eyes as she came to us. We asked her what the problem was and it was because I was there . She said I see her all the time. The last time I was at the school gates was 6 months ago but I do see them 1-2 times a week.
I ask her how her day was and she tells me to stop asking questions.
Other days , I tell her she looks lovely , she rolls her eyes and sneers at me.
She tells me to shut up, shouts at me etc in day to day conversation. For example, she fell off a zip line so I was encouraging her to have another go as she was upset. She did and I was saying hold on as she let go too soon on the previous go, she told me to shut up. My sister said I was embarrassing her.
I go to my sisters and park in the street. She's playing out with friends and ignores me. I shout her over and she runs off. Or I ask for help with carrying something and she says no.
I play a game with her and if I win she goes mad shouting and runs off.
I have been nothing but nice to her. I can only remember one occasion last year where I shouted at her as I'd had enough of listening to her being so obnoxious to her mum. But that's not the norm and I don't usually get involved.

She is not my child so I do not want to tell her off but it is getting to the stage where I will lose my rag with her. As I would if an adult spoke to me the way she does. Her dad doesn't like other people telling her off including my mum so I leave it. But I don't like the way she speaks to me.

My sister seems to have lost the will with her. I've noticed she just shouts and repeats herself all the time with her. She tells me she is just fed up with her behaviour and has given up.

I no longer enjoy being in her company. It feels like shes a naughty teenager!
I have a baby so I have not experienced this type of behaviour. Is this normal?!
Do other people experience this with 9yr olds?

I work with 8/9 year olds. I can assure you it absolutely IS standard behaviour.

Thanks all , I think the general consensus is to ignore her altogether which I am going to do. And like a couple have mentioned, if she says anything then I will say she told me I see too much of her.
I disagree I am overwhelming, that's not me and I don't particularly enjoy spending lots of time with children. I try to make an effort with her because she's my niece.
She is rude to many people , including other children. This isn't just with me, however I am not prepared to accept it.

As rude as she’s being, I think she’s sending a very clear message to you that you’re being a bit much for her. I think you really need to calm down your interactions with her and put a bit of distance between you, but also being very clear about what you will and won’t tolerate. You clearly love her very much and her behaviour is either down to a surge of hormones as she’s getting older, ineffective parenting or a combination of the two. But even if you’re not really her cup of tea, she still has to be polite.

I ask her how her day was and she tells me to stop asking questions. Other days, I tell her she looks lovely, she rolls her eyes and sneers at me Stop asking her how her day was. Stop telling her she looks lovely. If she wants to tell you about her day, she will. If she wants your opinion on how she looks, she’ll ask you for it. If your sister invites you to comment, then just smile, say ‘yeah, she looks lovely’ or, ‘ooh, well done’ and leave it at that. Don’t ask her any more questions about it or comment any further. She’s going to notice the change in your responses and she’s either going to respond well to that and start coming to you, or she’ll be curious about why you’ve backed off or she won’t give a shit, in which case you just need to accept that you’ll have to wait until she’s a bit older before you try for a closer relationship.

She tells me to shut up, shouts at me etc in day to day conversation So why aren’t you asking her just who she thinks she’s talking to? If you back off a bit and stop engaging with her, I don’t think she’ll shout at you or be rude to you, but if she does, then remind her that she’s 9 years old and that you aren’t going to be spoken to like you’re one of her little mates at school. If she asks you why you’re there, tell her with a smile that you’re there to see your DS, not her, so she doesn’t need to concern herself with what you’re doing. The trick is being firm, but friendly, not aggressive. You want to send the message that you love her, but no matter how much you love her, you aren’t going to let her speak to you like that. If she comes and sits near you, then move something out of her way or move your bag; nothing major (don’t start plumping her cushion or anything) but enough for her to recognise that you’re happy for her to be around and you haven’t just decided that you hate her.

For example, she fell off a zip line so I was encouraging her to have another go as she was upset. She did and I was saying hold on as she let go too soon on the previous go, she told me to shut up. My sister said I was embarrassing her If you were embarrassing her, were you telling her to hold on in front of a group of other kids? Because if you did, she’s going to have been embarrassed. It sounds like a situation that started off really well; she listened to your encouragement but then you fell at the last hurdle. Either whispering ‘don't let go until you get to this point’ before she got back on it, or saying nothing at all, then telling her later when it’s just the two of you that you were proud of her for not giving up, would have been better.

I go to my sisters and park in the street. She's playing out with friends and ignores me. I shout her over and she runs off. Or I ask for help with carrying something and she says no Don’t call her over. Either go straight in or give a small, casual wave in her direction and then go into your sister’s house. You don’t need to call her over, she’s 9, she wants to play with her mates, not come and chat to an aunty she sees every week.

I play a game with her and if I win she goes mad shouting and runs off Don’t ask her to play with you and if she asks you, then say ‘No darling, because you don’t play nicely and it’s not fun for either of us’.

Your niece needs consistently enforced boundaries. I wouldn't have dared to behave like that when I was a child and neither would my DC (12). Occasional talking back/rudeness/whining/anger is to be expected, but there should be a consistent message/response at those times. Your niece sounds like she isn't being parented. I would convey that to your sister, and be consistent in your responses to your niece. I would also just step back and give yourself some space.

Just stop seeing her if she's unpleasant. My GD is 10 and going through an unpleasant stage when she quarrels with us all the time and I'm close to saying I don't want to see her for a while.

It’s not. They can be a bit cheeky and sulky but not constantly like this. This is downright rude and the result of never being told off by her parents or given any consequences for her behaviour.

i work with this age group and my own dd just turned 10. My own dd is definitely more moody at times than she used to be due to hormones but is absolutely not allowed to be disrespectful to me or other family members. If she said shut up to my sister, she’d be grounded for a week.

Children should not be regularly telling adults to shut up (apart from exceptional circumstances of course). You have every right to tell her she's being rude and unpleasant OP. But my advice is to stop seeing her.

She sounds like a rude little sod and her Dad lets her get away with it.

OP, I'd start ignoring her if I were you. Don't go to the school to pick her up, no more outings etc.

Unless her parents get a grip on her behaviour the teen years will be a mess.

She sounds a deeply unlikeable brat. I’d avoid her entirely and try to see your sister without her there if you possibly can.

no child of mine would speak to an adult like that in my company. She is rude yes, but her parents should pull her up on this behaviour.

I disagree. The child is being rude and lacks guidance. AKA spoilt brat, frankly. It’s unfair on OP but particularly unfair on the girl, if it stays uncorrected.

I don’t think an absence of shouting shut up to an adult = “best behaviour” 🥴

Unfortunately she's not receiving good parenting. I expect she lacks boundaries and appropriate discipline (and probably meaningful interactions with her parents ) .

A friend of mine sadly had to become an ex-friend due to her children's behaviour. Her DD was only 6 and unlikeable (I don't say things like that lightly) mum just couldn't say "no" and just gave into every whim. The girl was rude, obnoxious, cruel to other children, greedy, demanding and extremely precocious. No respect for her mother or other adults. My friend was a lovely lady and some days I miss her, I think the root cause was she became extremely anxious and on edge if the kids played up and to ease the anxiety she just gave in to keep them quiet and created a monster!

The distancing came when she just couldn't have open honest conversations about her children's behaviour and started to scape goat my children and shift blame. Which was a real insult considering I'd bitten my tongue for years and kept the meet ups going despite the awful influence of her children's behaviour.

I spoke to a couple of other loose friends in passing (I needed to get it off my chest ) and they'd all had very similar experiences with the behaviour and blame shifting.

So, conclusionally I would expect the girls parents to act in a similar manner. I'd start pulling her up yourself. Just firmness. "You may be able to speak to your mum like that, but I don't allow that ". Stop being so nice to her too. She's being rude and horrible to you. "Hi Kate" will do. If she wants to carry on the conversation let her. But drop your efforts of trying to be too sickly sweet. Most kids of her age don't like being cooe-d in front of their friends. You mean well, but drop back on that behaviour.

Even if you were being a bit much - eye rolling? Scoffing at you? Telling you to shut up?

This is absolutely not standard, normal behaviour. I’m surprised anyone here is justifying it…… or I can see why a lot of kids these days are the way they are.

I'd lay off for a while and visit your sister when your niece is at school. It sounds like you and your niece currently rub each other up the wrong way and you each need a break. If questioned, I would tell my sister that as well.
You may find her behaviour improves naturally with age, or, if your sister won't address the lack of manners, she may go on to be a rude teen as well. Luckily for you, she isn't your child to parent. If you have to see her, beyond saying hello and goodbye, I'd not bother to engage with her unless she shows signs of making an effort and being nice. When she does, I'd make the effort back.
I can't believe someone said that this is standard nine year old behaviour 😳.

Baffled by the people blaming OP for this child's shocking level of rudeness!

Your niece behaves this way because she has been shown that she can. Her parents aren't correcting her or punishing her, and she thinks that she can treat adults rudely, and on a consistent basis. I doubt it starts and ends with you. I have seen kids like this, and they treat teachers, other parents, etc the same way.

I would cool off, though. It's sad as she is family but she has shown that she neither wants, appreciates, nor deserves your interest in her. She will also be a terrible influence on your child.

She will be a nightmare when she hits her teen years. She won't improve at this rate and I wouldn't let this be your problem. Focus on your own little one and maybe limit your visits with your sister to when your niece isn't around.

And that’s why she is such a little shit. Why are you making excuses for her. Basic manners?

Everyone is in agreement that her behaviour is out of order. But it is also possible that the OP is being a bit OTT.

Think that would be my approach.

I'd absolutely call her out on her rudeness, you don't need to shout, you can just firmly say "do NOT speak to me like that" and carry on your conversation with your sister.

I wonder where the user worked who felt this was normal 9 year old behaviour? I’ve taught this age group for many years, had my own children and now GC around this age. yes they can get a bit sassy, but out and out rudeness, absolutely not. Parenting fail I’m afraid, teenage years will be a blast. She needs pulling up on it now or she will be the child one wants in their home.

My children wouldn't have bloody dared speak to me or anyone else like that.
I'd ignore the brat from now on. Make sure to get plenty of popcorn in for her teen years; they're going to be fun for her idiot parents.

Her mum should be telling her to respect you and if the disrespect continues things she likes doing can be banned (watching tv etc)

My sister seems to have lost the will with her. I've noticed she just shouts and repeats herself all the time with her. She tells me she is just fed up with her behaviour and has given up.

Your niece is used to being shouted at by her mum.
Her rudeness is a defence mechanism.

Neither would mine, and i’ve been through the teens with all (well youngest still in them, 17). They wouldn’t even dare speak to me like that, let alone extended family. I’d be mortified.