Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you want to meet your child’s potential in-laws?

142 replies

EWAB · 14/10/2025 16:02

My son is nearly 26, and spent some time in the States where he met his partner who is 18 months younger than him.

He has been very serious about her for a good four years; to my knowledge he has had no other partners. She is very, very sweet.

He told us that life would be so much easier if they were married and this wedding would take place in the States at Whitsun. He never thought he would be married at this age but wants to be with her and in her circle in Upstate New York their ages wouldn’t be really commented upon.

I suppose partner’s nieces and friend’s kids have been married between 28 and 35 but this isn’t really something I should be focusing on is it?

NOW FINALLY MY AIBU her parents are in a hotel for a week in London before heading to Scotland and have no interest whatsoever in meeting me. They accidentally met my ex when he gave my son a lift and the future in-laws were walking on the pavement where they pulled up.

They have told my son that they are looking forward to hosting us next year and have always been welcoming to him. I asked them over but son said that they responded to the invitation just by saying they were on their only holiday of the year and time was scarce.

I am genuinely desperate to meet them; am I odd?

OP posts:
Didwesayitall · 15/10/2025 08:24

Posters can be weird and deliberately obtuse on mumsnet! The posts on this thread make it seem like I'm on a different planet compared to the majority of posts on mumsnet about marriage, children and in-laws. They'd usually be saying the opposite of "You don't need to meet your potential inlaws. How so very unusual to want to do so! How desperate!" <head tilt>

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/10/2025 08:27

SheilaFentiman · 15/10/2025 08:01

Those saying “can’t spare half an hour for coffee?” - honestly, if someone was traveling 45 mins each way to meet me, I would think it ruder to only have half an hour for them than to not see them at all.

And if their itinerary is eg “ timed tickets for a tourist attraction at 1000 every day” or “bus to Windsor castle/Harry Potter world” then waiting for OP to get into town and have coffee with them would wipe out most of a morning, not just 30 mins. In order to spend time with a stranger who they may then see only once or twice more in their lives.

I think for me your last line might have hit on the real reason why this really stings.

They have mentally filed the OP away as "a stranger they might meet once or twice in their lives", rather than the person who raised their future son-in-law.

The OP is probably already not feeling great about her son marrying their daughter in the first place. It appears that the rush to get married at a young age is to make it easier for him to live in America, which the OP would probably rather he didn't do. She'd probably much rather he'd met someone in the UK, took his time to make sure she was the right person, then got married and had grandchildren in the UK, where she could see them regularly.

Instead his plan is to marry this woman the OP barely knows, move to America and live his whole life over there. Raise his children on a different continent, where they will grow up with a completely different culture.

The OP is putting a brave face on the situation and trying to show an interest in her son's life and the family he is marrying into, and she's just had a rude brush off from the people who are gaining her son and will one day get to be the grandparents who live close by, but don't think the OP is worth even an hour of their time.

It's rude and dismissive.

I moved abroad to marry my husband, although not nearly so far away. I know my parents had a lot of mixed feelings about it, and that my mum in particular feels a certain amount of jealousy towards my in laws who get to see our children all the time. It has helped enormously that my in laws have always been incredibly friendly and hospitable towards my parents.

Didwesayitall · 15/10/2025 08:27

@EWAB How about phone call meets? Video call? We live in modern times afterall, if they can't/don't want to do a face to face meet (which is telling but not necessarily rude imo), can they do phone/video call?

saraclara · 15/10/2025 08:43

his plan is to marry this woman the OP barely knows, move to America and live his whole life over there. Raise his children on a different continent, where they will grow up with a completely different culture.

The OP is putting a brave face on the situation and trying to show an interest in her son's life and the family he is marrying into, and she's just had a rude brush off from the people who are gaining her son and will one day get to be the grandparents who live close by, but don't think the OP is worth even an hour of their time.

It's rude and dismissive.

That. His fiancée's parents have lucked out. They're the ones who will still get to see their daughter, be hands on grandparents if she has kids, and just generally have the good times with them.

It would be nice if they could recognise that OP is on the losing side of all that, and at least demonstrate a tiny bit of interest in meeting her briefly, especially when she was the one who extended the invitation.

I'm gobsmacked at the number of posters who say that their parents and in-laws have never me. I find that bizarre, even though I'm quite introverted.

InAHammock · 15/10/2025 08:44

I think that’s very likely, @MissScarletInTheBallroom.

SheilaFentiman · 15/10/2025 09:13

I don’t think it is rude and dismissive, and clearly the future ILs don’t either.

OP “barely knowing” the DIL and “not being near further GC” won’t be solved by a coffee with the ILs. Indeed, it seems that DS and DIL are also staying in London - not sure if OP has any individual plans with them.

SheilaFentiman · 15/10/2025 09:22

PS and the DS/DIL may not live near enough to her parents for them to be hands on anyway!

FrauPaige · 15/10/2025 09:37

18 months age gap is absolutely nothing once they have finished university.

Could the parents view themselves as of higher socio-economic status than you? The US has a clear wealth system and they tend to socialise with peers.

Could they be concerned at such an early marriage for their daughter as she is still 24 but the average age of marriage across New York state is 30 for women?

Could they view the expedited marriage schedule as a way to secure a visa for your son - as 'life would be so much easier' - and be sceptical of it's sincerity or wisdom for their daughter?

thisishowloween · 15/10/2025 09:38

CinnamonBuns67 · 15/10/2025 07:34

I do think it's odd they can't sit with you for 1 dinner or go for coffee whilst they are here not like you are asking to spend the entire day with them.

Maybe they’re just not interested - lots of people don’t have a relationship with their child’s’ in-laws. They meet at things like weddings or christenings but otherwise have nothing to do with each other.

Original poster
EWAB · 15/10/2025 10:16

Didwesayitall

Having declined dinner with us and a coffee with me at their hotel I think if I suggest a FaceTime they would think I was as mad as half the people on here do.

She is actually still studying and it is she who will be coming to London next year as my son works for an American company over here at least for the next four and a bit years.

They will then make their minds up about their future.

She is lovely and the parents seem lovely as well but obviously have different priorities. Ah well!

OP posts:
UndineSpraggg · 15/10/2025 10:55

Maybe they are heartbroken that their very young, unqualified daughter is moving across the world for a man and don’t want you to sense that? If it were my daughter I would see her as quite vulnerable and taking a significant risk emotionally and financially.

Goldenbear · 15/10/2025 11:29

FrauPaige · 15/10/2025 09:37

18 months age gap is absolutely nothing once they have finished university.

Could the parents view themselves as of higher socio-economic status than you? The US has a clear wealth system and they tend to socialise with peers.

Could they be concerned at such an early marriage for their daughter as she is still 24 but the average age of marriage across New York state is 30 for women?

Could they view the expedited marriage schedule as a way to secure a visa for your son - as 'life would be so much easier' - and be sceptical of it's sincerity or wisdom for their daughter?

Is that a joke about Americans and socio- economic status?

HeyThereDelila · 15/10/2025 11:34

It is odd but not worth getting upset over; it’s likely nothing personal, probably more of a cultural thing. At least you tried.

Many in laws don’t meet until the wedding, it’s often the way. Don’t take it to heart.

SheilaFentiman · 15/10/2025 13:29

Ok… so for the next four years, after the marriage, her parents may well be visiting the UK to see her.

Perhaps your best bet, then, is an open invitation to dinner at yours/coffee in town whenever they are over, and they may have a less busy schedule next time.

Original poster
EWAB · 15/10/2025 13:36

UndineSpraggg

She is qualified and will be more so next year.

The parents seem very nice, welcoming and generous to my son. I will not dwell on this at all now.

Someone said that I was jealous of my ex as he met them. Of course I am not. He met them in passing. I am actually pleased as he could confirm that they seemed lovely.

Anyway we will see what happens.

OP posts:
FrauPaige · 15/10/2025 17:30

Goldenbear · 15/10/2025 11:29

Is that a joke about Americans and socio- economic status?

Show quote history

'Fraid not, no. The Americans have a wealth system and tend to believe that they achieve wealth by talent and effort. Consequently, they tend to view people less wealthy than them as exhibiting personal failure, less moral discipline, lacking in ambition, and lacking effort. Hence, it is far more crude and judgmental than the British class system which has class identity and social markers independent of wealth.

I have no idea whether OP would be viewed this way by these specific Americans or not, as I have no idea whatsoever of her or their circumstances. I only offer suggestions as to why these Americans may behave in the manner that she has described.

Boomer55 · 15/10/2025 17:34

Well I met the American in laws and friends when my son was going to marry an American girl and emigrate.

But I suppose all families do things differently.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page