Would you want to meet your child’s potential in-laws?

[EWAB]

My son is nearly 26, and spent some time in the States where he met his partner who is 18 months younger than him.

He has been very serious about her for a good four years; to my knowledge he has had no other partners. She is very, very sweet.

He told us that life would be so much easier if they were married and this wedding would take place in the States at Whitsun. He never thought he would be married at this age but wants to be with her and in her circle in Upstate New York their ages wouldn’t be really commented upon.

I suppose partner’s nieces and friend’s kids have been married between 28 and 35 but this isn’t really something I should be focusing on is it?

NOW FINALLY MY AIBU her parents are in a hotel for a week in London before heading to Scotland and have no interest whatsoever in meeting me. They accidentally met my ex when he gave my son a lift and the future in-laws were walking on the pavement where they pulled up.

They have told my son that they are looking forward to hosting us next year and have always been welcoming to him. I asked them over but son said that they responded to the invitation just by saying they were on their only holiday of the year and time was scarce.

I am genuinely desperate to meet them; am I odd?

I think it’s sad that they declined to meet you.

We've hosted our oldest son’s in-laws twice (they were also travelling from overseas) and met the other in-laws a few times over the years. Yes, they’re different to us in some ways (religion) and very similar in others. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The overseas in-laws treated our youngest child like another grandchild and were incredibly kind towards him.

So you cant meet them at their hotel for a couple of cocktails???

Weird...
What does future DIL say?

I think if you were desperate to meet them (that is odd) you should offer to go to London rather than expect them to travel to you. As you live on different continents chances are you won’t see them much unless you visit your son in the States. I would be questioning if this is really what he wants to do and why he thinks it would be easier if they married. Has he got a job out there? What about his visa situation. Is he ok with uprooting his life for a girl who met him hardly out of school? What does he think of his in laws? Those would be important to me rather than a meet up for half an hour with strangers

Yes, definitely! I can understand them not wanting to come to your house if it is out of their way. But instead of a flat refusal, they could have suggested meeting, perhaps for a meal near their hotel. I mean they must take time out from their busy itinerary to eat! I would find it strange to be coming all the way to the UK anyway and not want to meet their DD's future inlaws. While I am not the most sociable person, I was very happy to meet my future DiLs parents well before wedding.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what they said. They planned a holiday to London, and meeting you was never part of that plan. I presume that your son knew they were coming, so if either of you wanted to include a “meet the parents” moment, it should have been arranged in advance.
On a related note, I’m always a little surprised when I hear about couples who are about to get married but whose parents haven’t yet met but I suppose that’s because of my cultural background. In my culture, we usually have an introduction ceremony where both families formally meet. It’s literally a chance to introduce yourselves, and it often marks the official start of wedding planning. It’s also an opportunity to get to know the potential in-laws and see how different family members might contribute to making the wedding celebrations even more special.

I think it's weird that they aren't meeting you when they are in London essentially round tne corner from you.

She knows that, she told us. Not sure why you are repeating it.

I’d want to meet OP, I think it’s rude of them not to have a meal with you whilst they’re nearby.

I doubt if OP is that desperate as that would involve making a special journey that she is not planning on. These people are holidaying in the UK anyway, so odd that they have no desire to meet.

😆
Most of us left university at 18 and never lived at home again and have a lot of travelling under our belt, did a lot of living! We are all mid to late 40s.
I don’t expect many in their 20s these days can afford to do this and people are leaving marriage until later.
Looking forward to my early 50s when DC will be 18+ and we will still be young enough (and hopefully healthy enough) to have a second youth.

I think it’s odd that at the time of planning the trip they and their daughter didn’t talk about trying to arrange to meet you and ex.

But once on the holiday I imagine they are scheduled for other things.

In many circles it would be considered very young to be getting married.
Many kids are still in university at 24/25.

What makes you think she's never had another boyfriend?

I have been married for over 20 years and my in laws and my parents have still never met each other!!

Then if OPs not that desperate to give up her own time then why should the in laws give up their own time?

My in-laws are like you - getting married is the union of two families, the sooner that gets started the better. They crave time with my parents and we're always having to make excuse for my parents absence from their lives, because...

...my parents are like, the only thing we have in common is your son is married to our daughter, and it's cool that those two love each other, but we've got enough on with the family we've got, we don't need or want any more.

I don't think either is unreasonable, but it's unsettling for both sides when they aren't on the same page.

My husband meet my dad twice. Once while he was healthy and he was with me while my dad died. My in laws have never meet my dad. My mother has meet my mother in law once. My family couldnt come to my wedding because of a storm so didnt meet them. It really didnt matter.

Maybe the parents are not happy with the relationship and are hoping it will fizzle out before they actually get married?

Because her time would be the time it takes to fly to the states and back and getting from the airport to where they live, whereas there time is just taking an couple of hours out of their busy schedule. Or not even that if OP joins them for a meal they will be having anyway.

Married nearly 30 years, together over two years by the time of our wedding.
My parents met PIL at the wedding and never saw each other again (PIL now departed).
I’d resent having to alter my holiday plans to meet someone I don’t know, they are right, holiday time is short. I imagine they have a full itinerary and don’t want to spend half a day making polite chitchat.
Don’t take it so personally, it’s not a snub or anything!

People in the US get very very little annual leave. I think it's entirely reasonable that they want to use their expensive UK holiday for relaxation. They're happy to meet you, just not at this time.

Also, yes, I think it's a bit odd that you're desperate to meet them. You live on different continents, so are unlikely to have a close relationship as you might have done had you both lived closer together.

What impact do you imagine it will have on your son's life, if you love them vs if you hate them? Or them you?
I imagine he's made his decision on marriage, so whether you like them or not, is, unfortunately, pretty irrelevant - of course hopefully you'll all get on very well, but in practical terms, it's not as if the parents get (or indeed should have) a veto, so it'll be a make the best of it scenario regardless.

They're hardly young to get married ! What a strange attitude.

Going on holiday & being expected to waste some of that precious time is unreasonable. US have far less AL than UK - used to be a mere 2 weeks.

And you have an offer from them for next year.

Indeed.

OP said, "He has been very serious about her for a good four years; to my knowledge he has had no other partners."

I can't see any post from the OP that says or implies that the young lady has not had previous relationships. Perhaps she has not - but that is not what OP said.

My parents have never met my husbands parents and we have been together 23 years. They (husbands parents) couldn't come to our very small covid wedding, and had never met them prior to that. They've met his sister and her (now ex) partner and that's it. They're very different people and while they'd all be very polite to each other, I very much doubt they'd get on.

My parents have met my brothers in laws at their weddings and a few family parties.

You talk as though they're just turned 18! It's totally normal to be getting married at 26. I'm only a few years older and went to plenty weddings in my mid twenties including my own.

Also - in the USA they are lucky to get two weeks of annual leave. They really will be wanting to jam pack the trip. Don't be offended - they are happy to host you next year.

Perhaps they thought it would be a bit awkward all meeting up (without your son and daughter in law there too) as a first meeting would ordinarily be with your children to introduce you? I can imagine it would be very awkward without those two to be the common thread!

I tend see marriage as the going of two families. That being said, I have family in the USA - annual leave is precious.