Would you want to meet your child’s potential in-laws?

[EWAB]

My son is nearly 26, and spent some time in the States where he met his partner who is 18 months younger than him.

He has been very serious about her for a good four years; to my knowledge he has had no other partners. She is very, very sweet.

He told us that life would be so much easier if they were married and this wedding would take place in the States at Whitsun. He never thought he would be married at this age but wants to be with her and in her circle in Upstate New York their ages wouldn’t be really commented upon.

I suppose partner’s nieces and friend’s kids have been married between 28 and 35 but this isn’t really something I should be focusing on is it?

NOW FINALLY MY AIBU her parents are in a hotel for a week in London before heading to Scotland and have no interest whatsoever in meeting me. They accidentally met my ex when he gave my son a lift and the future in-laws were walking on the pavement where they pulled up.

They have told my son that they are looking forward to hosting us next year and have always been welcoming to him. I asked them over but son said that they responded to the invitation just by saying they were on their only holiday of the year and time was scarce.

I am genuinely desperate to meet them; am I odd?

I’ve been married well over a decade, our parents have never met. My DB and his family have come with us when we’ve gone to visit in laws (it’s a nice part of the country) and they’ve hit it off, but I don’t think they met at our wedding. My sister and her family definitely haven’t met them. I don’t think it’s that unusual. I can think of loads of marriages and ltrs where the families have never met.

So it has to be convenient for OP? What if it’s not convenient for the in laws? They may have planned out what they’re doing with their time already and under no obligation to change that just because OP so desperately wants to meet them

What about christenings? Birthday parties? School plays? In 20 years there has not been a single occasion where it wiuld be appropriate for you to both have your parents there?

If my DC (nowhere near that stage yet) were to marry someone, I would certainly want to know what kind of family they were marrying in to especially if they were from the other side of the world!

but if they say no, what would you (could you) do about it?

I would find that highly suspicious tbh and relay this to my DC but then the notion of family is important to my DC and DH and I.

This wasn't my post, but im thr same - ive been with my husband 23 years and our parents have never met.

Christenings- didn't get our kids christened
Birthday parties - dont have them
School plays - neither set have been to any because my parents work, his parents aren't the sort to go to plays and we live 150 miles from our families (who live about 10 mins drive from each other).

The only opportunity they would have met without us having to arrange specific would have been our wedding - and that was during covid, so could only have four guests, and his parents didnt want to travel.

The only time i can see them ever meeting is if/when any of our children get married, and I highly doubt his mum will be around by that point anyway - and she probably wouldnt travel to where we live if she was.

It’s just never happened and probably won’t ever happen now.

We tend to do things with friends and their children rather than family.

We don’t have adult birthday parties and DS’s parties are friends rather than family. That is in part because there are no other children anywhere near DS’s age in the wider family.

School events are things DH and I do together.

DS isn’t christened. It’s not really a thing in our family. Neither DH or I or any of our siblings were either.

We got married recently with just the 2 of us mainly because it was for IHT reasons rather than any great symbolic event.

As the years go by our set up feels very normal to us although I accept it is different to what many have.

That’s pretty much identical to our situation. In our case it is highly unlikely any of DP/PIL will still be around if and when DS gets married.

Given that they wouldn't need to leave their hotel to see you, yet they turned down even half an hour to meet you over a coffee, I'd be a bit thrown.

But anything more than an hour, or any travel, and I'd appreciate that they don't have long and night have packed their week with plans.

Even with UK leave levels, which is generous compared to the US, I don’t want to spend my holiday meeting two strangers, making small talk and the only thing we have in common is that our kids are in love. It might only be half an hour but that meeting hanging over me would ruin my holiday, worrying about why my daughter’s future MIL was so desperate to see me. Even if the meeting was early on, I’ve still got the flight worrying about it and trying to make sure I’m not suffering with jet lag. I’d be really annoyed at someone continuing to push when I’d said no and I’d be thinking you were really rude actually for not taking no for an answer. Nobody owes you their time.

Are you so desperate to meet them because your ex has met them? Is it FOMO?

We got married at 26. I’m my husband’s first gf. We both went to university. Our parents met at the wedding. We’re 10 years in so far.

What do you hope to achieve from meeting the parents? It isn’t really about two families joining anymore, there isn’t that village that was previously provided by families so you’d have your mother and MIL in your kitchen coming and going, looking after your kids. This is especially true when different countries are involved. Meeting them or not meeting them isn’t going to change anything. You meeting them and loving them isn’t going to make your son fall in love with his partner more. You meeting them and not liking them isn’t going to get them to stop the wedding, it just might put you on the edge of your son and partner’s lives. Your adult son and his adult partner have decided to get married. You might not like it but that’s their choice and you’ve got to see how it plays out now. You’re not going to be spending an extended period of time with them and just because two people love each other, it doesn’t mean their parents have a single thing in common.

Not that poster.

my children are not Christened. We did a family birthday party once wasn’t great so never again. Didn’t invite any grandparents to school plays.

So wedding, 1st birthday party for one child. Happened to call in while other side was visiting twice.

in nearly 20 years that’s all.

I know this is a personal thing but on a practical level this is so strange to me - especially the siblings - would you never have a party for a birthday - yours/dh/kids - that both sides would be invited to? Never go to a funeral where you would meet them? Never be invited to a wedding on his side where they would be?

I don't think it's necessary to meet in laws. My parents did meet my in-laws once before we got married but only because we were all at the same place at the same time and that was over 40 years ago. So not a modern thing.

Again, not my post but same situation - been together for 23 years and parents have never met and siblings never met.

No birthday parties - we dont have them

Funerals - why woukd husband parents or siblings come to my family funerals (grandparents etc) and vice versa? Same with weddings

The only time our families have met was my parents 'meeting" (and by meeting, I mean while wearing face masks and nodding while standing minimum 6 feet away for ten minutes) my husbands sister and her partner st our covid wedding. If we had just had a registry office with witnesses, that wouldn't have happened.

My in laws and parents are very unlikely to ever meet.

If you think it through it really isn’t that strange, certainly not something we have to continually take steps to avoid.

Nobody in our extended family has ever done adult birthday parties. We all had them as children but none from early teens onwards. We don’t do events such as 21st/40th/60th parties.

Our DS does have parties but they are things such as play centre parties with his friends rather than family events. He has no cousins of a similar age so no connections there either.

As for funerals there are virtually no people that all our siblings know together so no chance siblings or indeed parents/PIL would ever meet under those circumstances. Without wanting to sound too morbid the only possible funerals that would result in joint attendance would be if me, DH or DS passed away. Hopefully that isn’t something on the horizon for quite some time yet!

The same applies for weddings. The only possible wedding that siblings from both sides would attend would be if my DS got married. As he’s only 4 that may be some while away.

Even if he does get married relatively young it is likely that all his DGP will have passed away so they’ll never meet there. Our siblings will also all be in their 70’s by then so no guarantee they’ll all be around either.

I can’t think of any other scenario where both sides would likely meet each other.

Americans get less holiday. I used to work in hospitality industry and so many Americans would have these highly organised travel itineraries. There is a mindset thing so it’s a coffee with you or a once in a lifetime time to see St Paul’s or whatever.

If you could go there and meet them for an afternoon or evening, that would be lovely, but I get it. We have family in the States but don't necessarily see them when we go there because annual leave is precious and for them, even more so, they get anything from nothing to a few days. It's not like it is here.

26 isn't young to be getting married at all. They are being weird though!

So you want them to come to you?
Maybe it would have been better to suggest you travel the hour and a half round trip for a coffee at their hotel op.

Are they actually engaged though?

I think they sound quite rude.

I do think it's odd they can't sit with you for 1 dinner or go for coffee whilst they are here not like you are asking to spend the entire day with them.

My parents met DH’s parents for the first time on our wedding day 8 years ago and they’ve not seen each other since. They only live a half hour drive apart 🤷‍♀️

Those saying “can’t spare half an hour for coffee?” - honestly, if someone was traveling 45 mins each way to meet me, I would think it ruder to only have half an hour for them than to not see them at all.

And if their itinerary is eg “ timed tickets for a tourist attraction at 1000 every day” or “bus to Windsor castle/Harry Potter world” then waiting for OP to get into town and have coffee with them would wipe out most of a morning, not just 30 mins. In order to spend time with a stranger who they may then see only once or twice more in their lives.

I mean really what is so important about meeting them.

The only things you share are that your children are engaged and due to marry, then maybe grandchildren.

However you’re going to be living in completely different countries.

You’re likely to only see them at the time they host you and the wedding.

You’re not going to be mingling and mixing two families together in and out of houses and on the phone for chats. Even when or if babies come along.

Their main party will be held in America at a time and date to suit them, if you happen to come you will be there otherwise it will be video calls and when they pop back to England. Hardly going to be bringing her mum and dad to tea at yours because they came to bring the grandchildren to see you, and if that is the case you got bigger problems anyway that she won’t go anywhere without mummy and daddy.