Would you want to meet your child’s potential in-laws?

[EWAB]

My son is nearly 26, and spent some time in the States where he met his partner who is 18 months younger than him.

He has been very serious about her for a good four years; to my knowledge he has had no other partners. She is very, very sweet.

He told us that life would be so much easier if they were married and this wedding would take place in the States at Whitsun. He never thought he would be married at this age but wants to be with her and in her circle in Upstate New York their ages wouldn’t be really commented upon.

I suppose partner’s nieces and friend’s kids have been married between 28 and 35 but this isn’t really something I should be focusing on is it?

NOW FINALLY MY AIBU her parents are in a hotel for a week in London before heading to Scotland and have no interest whatsoever in meeting me. They accidentally met my ex when he gave my son a lift and the future in-laws were walking on the pavement where they pulled up.

They have told my son that they are looking forward to hosting us next year and have always been welcoming to him. I asked them over but son said that they responded to the invitation just by saying they were on their only holiday of the year and time was scarce.

I am genuinely desperate to meet them; am I odd?

If they are actually hosting you next year in their home during a (stressful/busy) wedding period - I would 100% want to meet to check out if I wanted to be under their roof or not!

If you expect them to travel somewhere outside London, or to the far reaches of London, YABU.

If you are willing to meet them near their hotel or your home is easily accessible from central London, then I find their decision not to see you a bit odd.

If you are so desperate to meet them then could you take a trip to the states to visit them? It’s not unreasonable of them to not want to take time out of their holiday to come and meet you

I’m from the US and dh from the UK. We got married quite young at a similar age and under similar circumstances (very happily married still nearly 2 decades later).

My mum met Dh’s family once before the wedding. She came over to look at wedding venues. It was a good week long trip especially around planning the wedding.

Honestly, I think if I was only somewhere for 48 hours, and probably have pre-existing plans, I wouldn’t want a formal meeting with the in laws. I’d rather meet them under more relaxed circumstances. First meetings are a big deal and maybe they feel they need to host you properly. Or maybe they just don’t have time to travel to you for an official get together. I don’t necessarily think it’s a big deal given how short the trip is.

Can you travel to the US soon to see your ds and meet them?

I’d be way more worried he’s marrying a ‘very sweet’ girl who’s never had a boyfriend before him, who must have been all of nineteen when she met him, and whose ‘circle’ is conservative enough for marrying absurdly young to be unremarkable.

And yes, why will it ‘be easier’ if they get married? Easier for whom?.

But yes, I think it’s rude of them. if they’re spending a week in London before they head to Scotland, for them not to spare you an hour in a café?

For 48 hours, no, but they’re in London for a full week. Not too hard to spare an hour. Even if they’ve scheduled like crazy, they’ll still stop periodically for lunch or a cup of coffee.

I can’t help worry about the ages because in this generation even 26 is a bit young but 23 is very young but not my business.

The parents could walk to the middle of the street where their hotel is and 45 minutes later they could be in my front room.

Both my son and his partner are in London and she was staying here but now both of them are in the hotel.

Both of his parents are in London often, his father two or three times a year.

They declined my invitation and the response about time being scarce was actually in response to my saying I would meet them in the hotel.

I accept that I am coming over as desperately weird but even so I am shocked and upset. Ex said they were charming and they have been warm and welcoming to my son. As for hosting us I think it is at the wedding not their actual house.

My in laws met my parents at our wedding reception, we'd been together for ten years by the time we got married. It wasn't a conscious decision to keep them apart, it just never seemed that important (to any of us).

Most people I know (cousins, different friendship groups and work colleagues) got married at this sort of age - all went to university and are professionals (FWIW). All are still married (20ish years, give or take).

ETA: most of us started going out with our future spouses when we were around 20y.

Anericans really don’t get much holiday. Are they regular travelers?
Id say wait. The wedding may not happen. But im sure you will meet when the time is right. In the mean time you could send a nice card saying how much you are looking forward to meeting them before the wedding.

I agree that it’s odd that they don’t seem interested in meeting.

Americans seem to pack a lot into their trips on social media - they are prob off to stone henge and Edinburgh plus Hamilton and dishoom.

I know one person of my generation (early 50s) who married at 26 and she now says ‘What was the rush?’

ETA I’ve just remembered my cousin did also marry at 25, but she’s so wet she once had to come home early from a work trip to a trade fair in Birmingham because she was so homesick — she’d never spent a night away from her mother before.

Maybe thry don't want to have the possibility that the meeting doesnt go well. What if they or you dont like each other.

"in her circle in Upstate New York their ages wouldn’t be really commented upon"
Ermm they are 26 and 24... am I missing something here😂

Obviously OP you want to meet them it's only natural to want to meet your child's prospective in laws but they are in holidays here so I think they were right to spend the time how they wish.
You will meet them at the wedding and I think that's just part and parcel of them living in so far away America.
Can you not get loads of info on them from son so you feel like you know things about them when you do meet?

You sound overly invested.

We invited PIL down to see our wedding venue a couple of months before. Had dinner with my parents - didn’t go especially well, they’re very different people.

21+ years on, I think they might exchange Xmas cards, but apart from the wedding and DD’s naming day, they’ve never been within 200 miles of each other. Why would they?

They said it’s their only trip this year (the dad may travel to London more often but if it’s for work it’s different than a family holiday). They’ve made plans and there’s no room to meet you. And that’s ok.
If your DS and their DD get married you’ll be living on two opposite sides of the Atlantic so knowing/meeting you or not will make no difference.

I don’t find it strange then again we have been together nearly 20 years and I can count on one hand off the top of my head the times my parents and his parents have been in the same room.

You actually cant win with some people unless you do what they want can you...

Receive offer to meet up
Consider offer and decide you dont have time
Politely decline
So basically unless they say yes, thats them being rude even if we have no idea if thats their intention... what???

Can't believe some people would consider this rude, we have no idea what's going on in their lives and marriage. Some of us find meeting new people stressful, especially ones we want to make a good impression on. The idea that its somehow rude to not disrupt your one holiday of the year to meet people you already have plans to meet is bonkers.

It’s ridiculously young to get married, especially as they’ve been together for four years, and she’s never had a previous boyfriend.

The average age for brides here (Ireland) is 35.9 and for grooms is 37.7. When you have life and relationships experience under your belt.

You probably won’t be the one to choose though. You can’t force someone to meet you. They also
could live the other side of the world.

It’s incredibly rude. They’re in London for a full week, before heading to Scotland — not lounging on a sunlounger or on some complicated road trip or hike.

But then, like a pp, I’d be hoping the marriage never happened, so perhaps the other parents feel similarly. It might be a sign of their good sense.

Presumably easier to be together as you have to be married to live with each other in either country.

Immigration processes to the Sates can take ages to get through up to two years sometimes so that could be why they want to get started.

Immigration to the UK is faster but the financial requirements are much higher.

I can’t imagine not doing. I have, in fact.

Why are you "desperate" to meet them, OP? I don't think my parents and in laws ever met again after our wedding - there was just no need. This "merging two families" stuff is pretty much nonsense in the modern world, especially as you'll be living in different countries. And being so keen to meet does sound like you're trying too hard, tbh.