To think this is worrying to hear from a mother?

[Brittno]

When I was 12 I had forgotten my dinner money and the secretary’s office in school used to lend money out.

I told my mother the evening after school that I’d forgotten my dinner money and had to borrow from the secretary and she replied, dramatically, without giving me eye contact :

“what will they think if the home, the best home in Leicester? “

We didn’t live in Leicester but a similar sized city

does it sound as though she’s a bit narc? She said it in a bitter tone of voice

You’re saying that your mum believed hers was ‘the best home in [city x], and that people would think a girl from such a home should never need to borrow money for lunch?

Double whammy, ‘you have brought shame upon us, the best family in the area’.

She doesn’t sound like a pleasant Mum and I can see why this would still bother you, among many more similar incidents I’m sure.

I would say, the sooner you reconcile yourself that she was batshit and incapable of nurturing you, the happier you'll be. It’s easier to just write it all off in one go.

It sounds like there’s a drip feed coming. But based on just this it sounds like you need to get over it 😭

Or she was quoting something.

Honestly, this seems like a non-issue. Even if it was a little insensitive to some discomfort you may have experienced through not having dinner money, people, including mothers, sometimes say things that aren't, at that moment, focused on the needs of the hearer and are instead focused on their own feelings.

Either this is just one tiny example of a much bigger picture that you haven't shared or your own focus on the episode is as 'narc' as your mother's throwaway remark.

Unless this is part of a much bigger picture, I think it's a total non-event and just your mothers way of expressing embarrassment at the time. You forgot your dinner money, you weren't abandoned to be raised by wolves.

To be honest, it’s much the kind of thing I say as a mildly sarky joke to my 13 year old when he’s forgotten something some crucial form for school eg ‘Well, they’ve probably put you on the watchlist for Neglectful Home now.’

How old are you now? I’m intrigued as to why one non-event from the past is troubling you.

I can’t imagine why her owing the school a couple of quid made her wonder what they’d think of the best home in a town you didn’t live in, sorry.

It sounds like you remember that incidence because it embodies a lot of your childhood.
possibly neglectful? Uncaring? Yet trying to appear as if she was the best mother in the best home.

My DM said something similar when I’d told the teacher I’d had no breakfast and when the teacher asked why I said we ‘weren’t really breakfast people’.

My DM accused me of ‘making her out to be a bad mother’.

I didn’t know! I was just a gormless little kid in the 1970s just being honest. I didn’t care about breakfast but I did get starving by mid morning so I was probably moaning about being hungry which is why the teacher asked if I’d had breakfast.

They were from a generation that felt social shame about things like not having sex before marriage, clean steps and white washing.

Honestly OP from this post you sound unbelievably harsh on your mum. People, even mothers are allowed to say the wrong things or get it wrong without a 30 year grudge.

there is obviously more going on here but at the end of the day you chose this example to ask strangers whether your mum is a narc. There is a lot being said by that

Tweens and teenagers are absolutely bonkers when it comes to providing zero context, or any self awareness of their own actions. At 12 you were responsible for taking your own money. Was it the first time you’d forgot it, or the billionth?

If this is the worst thing she did and thus your stand-out memory of her 'abuse', then no, definitely not.

Well sometimes people were more judgemental then. Like women having to scrub their doorstep otherwise they were labelled hussies.
I was given a place in fulltime nursery because my mum was a single parent - divorced and social services said I needed to be away from her.
Sounds like she maybe wasn't coping. Or just being dramatic.

Based on this one conversation no. It’s a normal reaction from your mum really. I’m surprised you’re still dwelling on it. Unless there’s a huge back story.

No idea how old you are now, but you should simply forget a stupid remark from so long ago.

Yes you should definitely blame everything on your parents and, as an adult, take no responsibility for yourself.

Very on trend

Sometimes what looks like narcissism to one person, is anxiety to another.
I would focus on your life now, memories can distort over time, focus on how you are treated and how you behave now.

Looks like she made a joke, why are you obsessing over one comment?

Nah, it doesn’t sound like a narcissistic comment to me. Just an off the cuff comment or a joke.

is this a joke

I'd be embarrassed if my kid had to borrow dinner money too! I think that's normal?

I’m thinking she was making a joke out of you not being very organised (and hoping you would not do it again)

What the fuck 🤣🤣🤣

OP. It sounds like a mild little joke. Why are you dwelling on this? What drip feed have we got in store? If that’s a ‘low point’ from your childhood then blessed you are.

If you didn't live in Leicester it sounds like she was quoting a line from a film or play or it was a local expression or something

How on earth are you thinking of this now? It's a nothingy comment, probably a joke, about a non-event. If your DM was a narc, you'd have vast catalogues of better evidence for it.

It’s a joke to you because you had a functional upbringing, I imagine. It’s serious to OP because she’s still confused about it years later. It won’t be one incident. It will be years of neglect or trauma, which reappear one incident at a time, years later. Each one sounding trivial, but adding up to knowing you are the last consideration in every situation. Demoralising for a child.
You have to let it go. Ruminating doesn’t solve it. You can’t change the past, only learn how to come to terms with it.