I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

[Rockininthefreeworld]

Please don't judge me. I'm really looking for some advice and just feel so dissatisfied with our whole set-up 😔

I have felt bad about the fact that we never eat as a family. We have two children, age 6 and 2, and they always eat separately to us. This is for a number of reasons...

1. DH is a very fussy eater, and won't eat 90% of the things I make for the children
2. DH and I both work full-time until around 6pm, making eating together quite challenging. Having said that, we both work from home a lot, so it is do-able with some planning (but then, see point 1...)
3. We have a kitchen island but no room for a dining table, which means eating together in the kitchen is just sitting in a row. This makes conversations feel a bit challenging.
4. We have a dining room (although carpeted...) and I'd love us all to eat in there, but DH gets very very funny about mess and smells. I've tried to approach the subject but he just gets annoyed and shuts it down. He uses the dining room to work, which is very annoying to be honest because I feel like that's a whole social room that we've just completely lost out on.

The 2 year old is at nursery full time which does give him "social eating" time, and I think the 6 year old is fine because we do eat out and I often go back to my parents where we sit together at the table. But, he also gets very bored if I'm not constantly entertaining him and he's not a stranger to the tablet at the table. I hate that and feel quite ashamed.

I just don't know how to handle this. I feel so dissatisfied with the whole arrangement, but DH isn't going to support me with it and it feels difficult trying to do it in the kitchen anyway. I just want us to have a nice family meal together, even just at the weekends, but even if we manage that it still has to be in the friggin' kitchen and no-one will talk to me, DS will moan for his tablet and DH will be on his phone. I've tried to implement this before (in the kitchen), and it just felt pointless in the end because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Does anyone have any advice? 🙁

@OwlBeThere it is, I am sure possible to have quality family interaction without sharing a meal time but for most families making a point of eating together is the easiest option. Everyone has to eat, most people eat at roughly the same time each day so it is a point in the day when members of the household gather, share a meal and chat. No extra planning or thought required.
Culturally shared meals are also quite a big event, most religions have some culture of shared dining. Significant milestones like birthdays or weddings usually involve eating together.

Of course there are families who for lots of different reasons can not share meal times and they have other ways to have those bonding experiences and check in with each other but they I would imagine need to be planned, for most families eating together is just easier.

Dinner A Love Story is an old school blog that is brilliant on this stuff. I read the whole thing from start to finish when I found it. Jenny Rosenstrach the author has some good practical books too.

2 is a bit little, but by age 3 this is a good target. I started with Sunday lunch, everyone eating the same food at the same time. Sometimes it was more brunch (pancakes etc), sometimes pasta, sometimes a roast. I just don’t want to eat dinner at the time a toddler does so that took longer to put in place. The kids also need to be able to eat a variety of food - I have no interest in eating fish fingers 3 nights a week, sometimes we will make different meals and eat at the same time (one for the adults, one for the children).

But after lots of practice, now with 15yo and 12 yo We can eat (mainly) the same food at the same time, and not start fight, and not throw things at each other. It’s taken quite a bit of determination and persistence, but it’s lovely now we’re here.

But your husband is going have to get on board - He sounds like the main obstacle to be honest.

“I've considered leaving him, but then I question whether I really am making a big deal out of nothing. I don't want to split up the family, but it's exhausting operating this way.”

You’re not making a big deal out of nothing! Eating as a family is so important, especially as they become teens and it’s one of the few ways you still spend time together and your husband is absolutely the problem here. (You also need to get your child off the tablet at mealtimes, it might be hard at first but will soon become the norm.)

Thank you so much everyone for your advice. I feel really motivated to tackle this and I'm honestly going to.

So, an update...the chat with DH wasn't exactly successful. We got somewhere, but it wasn't an enjoyable conversation.

I explained that I want us to start using the dining room for meals. I said we can start small but what we're working towards is regular family meals sitting at the table. He somewhat shut the whole thing down straight away with "no I don't want any food in the dining room, I don't want to eat in there."

I said it's not right that we've lost out on an entire room just because he's adopted it as his place to work. I said he makes DS feel like he can't even go in there because it's "daddy's room". He said "well fine you can start playing games in there then just not eating food, I don't want anyone eating food, I can't handle that". He then went on to say he supports us sitting down with the kids at meal times without tablets etc (although personally doesn't think that's a problem), but we can do it at the kitchen island.

I'm looking to get a slight extension to the side of the island (like a small breakfast bar) so we can at least have one person sitting perpendicular side if that makes sense, rather than 4 of us sitting in a row! Even so, it doesn't feel conducive to relaxed conversation, and is how we ended up using the tablet to begin with.

I've disappeared because I now have work to do, and we haven't exactly left it resolved. I don't feel like I'm with someone who is trying to understand why this is important to me. He's protecting his own interests and if he can happen to make me happy while still doing that, then great, but if not then it's my problem.

Food smells also came up and I said it's incredibly limiting for me and the kids not being able to fry anything in the house. He got annoyed and said he can't help it with smells, and the kids eat just fine because they have plenty of fruit and veg and we don't need to fry anything, this is basically my issue

You say Ok great, agree we need to compromise. Wanting to fry things is my issue and I’ll deal with it. Not wanting to eat in the dining room is your issue and you can get over it, or I’m frying food 7 nights a week. We both live here and you’re not the boss. One of us is prioritising our children and it’s not you.

Lots can, but some can’t, not always at least. It’s a very wide spectrum and there are lots of different presentations.

Do you ever cook a roast on a Sunday??
Get the kids involved and helping?
What happens if you cook something DH can't cope with?

He thinks he’s your boss doesn’t he?

He doesn’t have to eat in the dining room if he doesn’t want to, but he shouldn’t be stopping you and DC from doing so.

Who does he think he is?

Ripping out the island is also something I've suggested doing, but all and any building work stresses him out too much. We actually have quite a nice sized kitchen, but the island takes up so much room there's only then space for a 2 seater table in the corner, and that's just not big enough for us all.

@Zempy the conversation will basically go "we're going to be eating in the dining room now"
"No you're not, I don't want kids eating in there"
"Yes we are, it's important for their development and I want us to interact together over meals"
"I can't handle you all eating in there. And I don't like the smells. If that's what you want to do then fine I'll just leave then shall I?"

It'll be the same ending if I bring up frying food. And what has happened in the past. "You know I can't handle those smells. If that's what you're doing to insist on doing then I'm just going to have to move out." Obviously said in a very angry way.

I know everyone will turn around and say "fine, let him". But that's a really big deal and I just need to ready myself for that

I'm sitting here coming up with all these solutions for how we can make the kitchen work better, without any building work, and how I can try and extend the island or fit an extendable table in etc etc...and then I just get really worked up thinking "all I want to do is eat a meal at a table with my children." That shouldn't be so hard!!!

Seriously , do you think he would really walk if you fried food?

Do you not just think this is his way of controlling the situation to suit himself?

TBH any man threatening to leave the family over cooking smells doesn't deserve to be called a father

If you have a garden, build a shed and turn that into an office

@suki1964 I'm not sure, possibly...but if he didn't, he'd certainly stomp around the house for days making the atmosphere pretty unbearable

He won’t leave, though. It’s just a technique to cow you. Stop being so passive. What’s going to happen when your kids are a bit older? Are you going to train teenagers to tiptoe around this inflexible tyrant who thinks he’s everyone’s boss?

Foods I've managed to get into my children are: breaded chicken, broccoli, sweetcorn, plain pasta, fish and rice, chicken sausages...I think that's probably the most I've managed. Continuing on this journey of making meals that involve zero frying (and no onions, garlic, mushrooms...). Spag bol is a big no...

This really struck me. One of your children is 6! Unless it’s being dictated by the child the self, that’s an extremely limited range of food. Are you going to continue not feeding them any perfectly normal food that involves onions and garlic? As that’s most food. Because your DH ‘can’t handle it’?

Why are you so passive?

It’s not ‘unbearable’, though. It’s unpleasant, certainly. Call him out. Stop being so passive.

So basically he bullies you and his children.

We are all going to say fine, let him. And make sure you say fine then, you realise I will tell everyone why.

Do you have scope to have a pull down table? This was my first google hit, but I am sure there are cheaper options:
https://www.ritconcept.com/products/atos-folding-dining-table-wood?variant=44905684467949&country=GB&currency=GBP&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22398235101&gbraid=0AAAAApKB7Uasle0CoxJx-DZQdHltpgyN-&gclid=CjwKCAjwxrLHBhA2EiwAu9EdMzwA2t0byF8pBLfKSaXZd6cpDN6BgbDECD_ufwq2QsFXgJcsw-8grRoCugYQAvD_BwE

@ForZanyAquaViewer is the food really that bad? I feel like they have hot lunches at school every day, which is varied and nutritious, and they eat a lot of fruit and raw veg, as well as veg with their meals. I appreciate it's not the most varied, but they do get the nutrients they need. I don't think ensuring a balanced and healthy diet necessarily means I have to use onions and garlic in my food. I want them to enjoying cooking and make it something we do together, but that's a different issue

OP it's hard enough for families with 2 working parents and young children to all eat together of an evening even without all the obstacles you're facing from your DH on top, so I applaud you for even trying.

I'm from an eat separately family and I don't really get the hype around eating together, but DH is from an everyone sits together at the table family, and really wants that for our kids. I am supportive even though I don't feel it's a huge priority (I can go out for meals and converse, use cutlery etc perfectly fine, even though I didn't eat at 6pm with my parents every day).

Anyway, although maybe not super comfortable for you, could you bear to eat your dinner at one other side of the island until you've got this extension bit sorted? Maybe you don't have anywhere to put your knees under but you could lean or sit side saddle, just to be able to have a face to face convo. With kids so small you're unlikely to get more than 20 mins of table time with them anyway?

He somewhat shut the whole thing down straight away with "no I don't want any food in the dining room, I don't want to eat in there."

He doesn't want anyone eating in the.... dining room?

"I can't handle you all eating in there. And I don't like the smells. If that's what you want to do then fine I'll just leave then shall I?"

OP, he isn't going to leave because you are eating your meals in the dining room. And if he does, I would be fucking delighted. And would take every opportunity to tell every single person around you the exact reason he has walked out on his wife and children. Because he threw a tantrum when I told him I wanted his children to eat a dining room table.

Honestly, others have said it but he sounds like a nasty bully and this is just the tip of the iceberg I imagine.

Let him!!!! The more you bow down to him, the more he will use these bullying tactics over and over again. Don't even think about restructuring your kitchen FFS. It will cost a LOT of money to have a kitchen island taken out, new flooring etc.

All because your husband is a childish prick whose needs appear to be above those of everyone else's in the house. Including his own children.

Also, I couldn't give a flying fuck whether he has autism or ARFID. There are millions and millions of adults out there who have a variety of issues that they work to overcome (or at least, not affect) their children.

It's called being a decent parent.

You want to raise children who eat and enjoy a wide variety of foods, I’m assuming? Then, yes, that is a severely limited handful of foods and will become moreso as they age. And not being able to use onions and garlic or fry anything is extremely limiting in terms of what you can cook. You know all this. Come on, now.

It would be one thing if it was because you were doing this because your children couldn’t or wouldn’t eat a wide range of foods. But they’re not even being given an opportunity because you think it’s more important to tiptoe around your husband.

What happened pre children when you met him, have you never had a sit down meal with him?

I know everyone will turn around and say "fine, let him". But that's a really big deal and I just need to ready myself for that

Honestly OP, it sounds like your life would be a million times easier and happier without this awful piece of work around. Every post just sounds like you have another child to pander to.

Imagine him gone and you and the kids sitting in the dining room, having been able to cook whatever the hell you fancy, having a lovely meal with nobody sulking or stomping round the house.