I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

[Rockininthefreeworld]

Please don't judge me. I'm really looking for some advice and just feel so dissatisfied with our whole set-up 😔

I have felt bad about the fact that we never eat as a family. We have two children, age 6 and 2, and they always eat separately to us. This is for a number of reasons...

1. DH is a very fussy eater, and won't eat 90% of the things I make for the children
2. DH and I both work full-time until around 6pm, making eating together quite challenging. Having said that, we both work from home a lot, so it is do-able with some planning (but then, see point 1...)
3. We have a kitchen island but no room for a dining table, which means eating together in the kitchen is just sitting in a row. This makes conversations feel a bit challenging.
4. We have a dining room (although carpeted...) and I'd love us all to eat in there, but DH gets very very funny about mess and smells. I've tried to approach the subject but he just gets annoyed and shuts it down. He uses the dining room to work, which is very annoying to be honest because I feel like that's a whole social room that we've just completely lost out on.

The 2 year old is at nursery full time which does give him "social eating" time, and I think the 6 year old is fine because we do eat out and I often go back to my parents where we sit together at the table. But, he also gets very bored if I'm not constantly entertaining him and he's not a stranger to the tablet at the table. I hate that and feel quite ashamed.

I just don't know how to handle this. I feel so dissatisfied with the whole arrangement, but DH isn't going to support me with it and it feels difficult trying to do it in the kitchen anyway. I just want us to have a nice family meal together, even just at the weekends, but even if we manage that it still has to be in the friggin' kitchen and no-one will talk to me, DS will moan for his tablet and DH will be on his phone. I've tried to implement this before (in the kitchen), and it just felt pointless in the end because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Does anyone have any advice? 🙁

How did autistic people eat before the very recent invention of tablets and smartphones then?

@Rockininthefreeworld he cares less about the well-being of his children and you than himself. He’s a really crap husband and father.

Personally, I’d let him leave but you don’t seem ready to do that yet, so I’d give him a choice of either having the kitchen island removed or using the dining room for eating. Both choices involve being strong enough to stand up to him in order for your children to develop normal social skills around mealtimes and to expand their range of foods. If he chooses to leave over this, he’s pathetic.

@ForZanyAquaViewer you realise there's a way to give advice without coming across a total arsehole right? Already dealing with one of those at home. If you need some tips on how, read all the other responses on this thread. You don't really know how I've ended up in this position or what I've necessarily been through, so calling me passive isn't exactly helpful.

Appreciate you're probably not trying to be helpful, so perhaps just bugger off to another thread and let me read the genuinely helpful and insightful comments instead?

“If that's what you want to do then fine I'll just leave then shall I?" Call his bluff. Ask him if he thinks it’s worth leaving his family over eating in the dining room. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s an empty threat.

You’re letting him rule the roost and control everything when you should be a partnership. He’s not the boss of you - or at least he shouldn’t be.

i think you need to seriously consider whether you should continue in a relationship with this man.

Given how you’ve described him and how he behaves, your fanny must have clamped shut years ago, surely!

So that’s his way of controlling you. Either threatening to leave or stomping about the house creating a horrible atmosphere.

Not just the kids. Screens at the table are banned for everyone - including your dh.

@Rockininthefreeworld how come your dh has the veto on everything?

@BitOutOfPractice I guess because I'm quite relaxed by nature and he's always got his way because of his "issues". Until kids not much really bothered me to be honest, I would just pick my battles. But now we have kids, and a 6 year old where I can see how much this matters, I've finally woken up I suppose

Seriously, what do you see in this man? What is he bringing to your lives?

He seems to be a bully who expects absolute obedience to his every whim or he'll make life intolerable.

It doesn't have to be like this.

Absolutely this.

@Rockininthefreeworld did you read my first reply explaining the impact on me as a child of a limited diet parent ? Your children might be getting a balanced diet, but that's not the same as a wide pallet and you are limiting their lives and absolutey this will cause difficulties in their future as a result. Even at 1 my children all ate a much wider wave varying diet than your 6 year old does.

Your husband is being a controlling dick in threatening to leave if you and the kids eat in the dining room. Especially when there's an alternative space for him to work. Yes we're all going to say fine let him leave because you and your kids deserve better. And no it won't be easy. But truly you should do it.
I can't believe you're genuinely considering remodeling you'd kitchen when you have a perfectly serviceable alternative space to eat in because you're so under his thumb he gets to rule you

I’m not being an arsehole. I’m being direct. I understand that you may find that unpleasant, as you clearly have difficulty being direct yourself and I’m saying things you find hard to hear.

However, it would be more productive for you to direct that anger towards the actual arsehole who you live with. You are being passive and said passivity is going to have a negative impact on your children. I’m not going to dress that up to make you feel better.

I’m also not someone who stays on a thread and argues with the OP. So, I’ll leave you to it.

@Babyboomtastic but if I left him, the kids would have a broken home and miss out on the fun times we have together as a family. I just can't imagine what that would be like. We're great when we go out, but the rules inside the house are really starting to get to me.

Another example is we have bifold doors out to the garden, and at the weekend DS wanted to open them. We never open them and I think he just wanted to experience the ease of going from the kitchen to the garden! I love having them open. DH however hates it because it lets all the cold air in. I mean, he's not wrong, it does let all the cold air in, but...it's only for 20mins and it's fun for the kids. This is where I'm more relaxed and would rather just go with the flow, whereas DH will put his foot down.

Naturally that then upset DS who can't understand why he can't have the doors open (and DH doesn't communicate anything properly so they just clash), and I'm left wondering what I'm supposed to say... am I supposed to back DH because we're a "partnership" (at least as far as the kids are aware)...I quite like the doors open!

@ForZanyAquaViewer I'm not necessarily arguing with your points, just how you make them. You can express a view in a way that achieves understanding, without being overly harsh and direct. Like everyone else has?

I see and I can see how that happened. But I think you need to be more firm on things - like this - that you believe are important. (I agree with you btw I think it is).

Dont feel ashamed though. You don’t have anything to feel ashamed about and it’s not a useful emotion here is it. Try and turn it round to determination to do better. You are clearly a loving mom, don’t be so hard on yourself.

The other poster is being blunt but their sentiment is bang on.

You are raising children that think their fathers behaviour is okay when it certainly is not. I understand he has his limitations but that should ONLY impact him. The moment it impacts how the children are being raised is when you need to step in and firmly tell him how it's going to be. If he walks it can only be a positive for the scope within the household

Do you realise what a contradiction you’ve just written?

“the kids would have a broken home and miss out on the fun times we have together as a family”

Immediately followed by further examples of how you and the kids have to tread on eggshells around him - like opening the patio doors ffs!

I have no doubt it would be healthier and happier for them to grow up in a “broken home” where they can relax than living with two parents, one of whom keeps everyone living in a state of nervous high alert in case they upset him.

Surely the kids spend more time at home, with all the controlling behaviour, than they do being out and about as a family?

They can still see their dad, still have fun with him (allegedly) but they won’t have to live in a dictatorship.

You are clearly very well trained not to rock the boat. Let him get upset. It’s OK for that to happen. It’s his business.

I am ND and have many issues, but they are MY issues and I don’t impose controlling behaviour on others. Your DH sounds like a controlling bullying wanker with a gigantic ego.

You could be free of him, eating at the dining table, with the bifold doors open. I imagine that’s the tip of an iceberg

Do you have fun times as a family or does everyone else have to compromise and adapt around his needs.

I agree that some of the replies are blunt but I think necessary because this is going to really affect your children and more than the eating at a table

This.

You don't need your husband's permission to use the dining room or eat at the dining table.

Unless you act now and start standing up to your husband it's only going to get more and more difficult as the children get older. Can you imagine what he will be like when they are teens?

What's the atmosphere like in your home, it doesn't sound harmonious? Children will pick up on that.

I could not stand to be married to someone who behaves like your husband, but you chose to be, so I'm assuming he must have other great qualities which compensate, what are those?

How on earth do you manage to eat normally if he won't eat onions and garlic and you can't fry anything at all? They are the basis of so many dishes. Do you not make Bolognese, chilli, risotto, stews, casseroles, curries, soups etc?

remind yourself op that the second you want something he doesn’t, there’s no partnership, it’s his way or the highway. A partnership is two people. Open the bifold doors, say I love it open and it’s my home too. Put a jumper on and put up with it, we put up with a lot from you, ive reached the limit and there will be more compromise from now on.

I feel you OP. There are many similarities in my own situation. Change is a slow process.

I'd suggest focusing on one thing at a time, rather than a drastic overhaul of your current life. What is your priority at this time?

• kids having more social mealtimes?

Increase the amount you eat at your parents. Eat without your husband (picnic on the floor, at the island with your extra seat suggestion etc), stand with the kids at the island as they eat and talk with them (no tablets).

• variety of food you eat?

Utilise every opportunity you can where your husband is out/not around while you cook. Cook outside (whatever the weather - umbrella and BBQ and the smelliest food you fancy). Introduce one new meal a week (hello fresh etc).

• Eating at the dining table?

Doing it anyway even if he says no, swap rooms with him so the dining table is no longer off limits, can you fit a smaller dining table elsewhere?

Couples counselling may also help you. I hear your despair, and I have many a time daydreamed about how much easier day to day life (mealtimes especially) would be if I only had to think about me and the kids. How I'd love to not have to consult anyone else about minor decisions.

You should be able to be in control of your own life. Open the doors if you want, eat at a table, watch what you want on TV, eat what you want. We only get one life.

I would state quite clearly to him that he may not like it but he has to accept like lots of life.

No autistic person ‘needs’ a tablet.

You need to seriously put your foot down. I highly doubt he will leave but sounds like a risk you need to take. He has an alternative working space, why hasn’t he taken it? Maybe it’s fair not to make him eat with you if the smells are that much of an issue but you eat whatever you like, fried or otherwise, with the dc and at least they are getting that family meal time with one parent. You desperately need to expand what dc are eating now or they will probably have these restrictions for life just like your DH. Interested in how he coped with smells out and about as smells are everywhere in public and you say he’s relaxed and happy then?!