I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

[Rockininthefreeworld]

Please don't judge me. I'm really looking for some advice and just feel so dissatisfied with our whole set-up 😔

I have felt bad about the fact that we never eat as a family. We have two children, age 6 and 2, and they always eat separately to us. This is for a number of reasons...

1. DH is a very fussy eater, and won't eat 90% of the things I make for the children
2. DH and I both work full-time until around 6pm, making eating together quite challenging. Having said that, we both work from home a lot, so it is do-able with some planning (but then, see point 1...)
3. We have a kitchen island but no room for a dining table, which means eating together in the kitchen is just sitting in a row. This makes conversations feel a bit challenging.
4. We have a dining room (although carpeted...) and I'd love us all to eat in there, but DH gets very very funny about mess and smells. I've tried to approach the subject but he just gets annoyed and shuts it down. He uses the dining room to work, which is very annoying to be honest because I feel like that's a whole social room that we've just completely lost out on.

The 2 year old is at nursery full time which does give him "social eating" time, and I think the 6 year old is fine because we do eat out and I often go back to my parents where we sit together at the table. But, he also gets very bored if I'm not constantly entertaining him and he's not a stranger to the tablet at the table. I hate that and feel quite ashamed.

I just don't know how to handle this. I feel so dissatisfied with the whole arrangement, but DH isn't going to support me with it and it feels difficult trying to do it in the kitchen anyway. I just want us to have a nice family meal together, even just at the weekends, but even if we manage that it still has to be in the friggin' kitchen and no-one will talk to me, DS will moan for his tablet and DH will be on his phone. I've tried to implement this before (in the kitchen), and it just felt pointless in the end because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Does anyone have any advice? 🙁

The smells - I know when I was pregnant with DS i literally couldn’t bear the smell of frying onions so I have some empathy if his feelings are anything like that.

I remember at one point in the pregnancy my Mum came to stay to “help” as I was so unwell with sickness and already had dd by this time. I explained about the onions and she decided I wouldn’t notice a little bit and she couldn’t possibly cook without them - I was literally hanging out of my bedroom window for air!

Not sure if autism can affect people the same way as pregnancy or not!

But most meals can be made omitting the onions and garlic if needs be.

I would find it quite limiting to live my life with someone like this.

Even if I loved them, I'd seriously look into living separately (e.g. look for a house with 1-bed annex, if we could afford it).

I couldn't personally cope with normal family activities being controlled to this degree.

Ok he has various sensory needs, fair enough. But this is the behaviour of a knob. Has he got worse or has he always been like this?

What’s he going to be like when the kids are older and wanting to bring mates round?

Honestly I don’t know how you’ve stuck it this long.

Either he gets help and adapts, or he will have to carry out his threat to leave.

Where would he go if he moved out? Would it necessarily be a bad thing?

What's your financial situation? Could you afford the house on your own?

If you had to move with the DC to a smaller property, how would you feel? Would you be sad or would you be relieved finally to be living in a way that suits you and is good for them?

Do you want your children to end up being like him?

If he's autistic she probably isn't going to have much of a choice about that, whether they split up or not. Genes are strong.

The problem here is that you are suggesting all the solutions. His autism doesn't absolve him from working on mutually agreeable solutions with you.

With my autistic dd, I use red lines to open up a conversation. We look at her 'absolutely no way' and we look at my 'absolutely no way'. I then ask her to help me come up with a plan that avoids each of our red lines, and meets a certain requirement.

In this situation, the problem is that you are currently unable to eat as a family. Your dh has a red line that he can't bear food smells in the room he works in. Your red lines is that you won't always have separate mealtimes - use that as a starting point. Ask him to consider options that ticks his box, see if there's any overlap with yours. You could consider foods that aren't offensive to him. You could consider a completely different place to eat, or altering an existing one. You could agree to eat out together once a week. You could agree to eat al fresco in the summer. The point is to get dh to feel that the outcome is in his hands (this deals with the inflexibility and control elements, whilst acknowledging the real sensory triggers involved here).

As for family mealtimes, I feel your pain. Dh is undiagnosed ND, during anxious times has heightened sensitivity to noise and mess in particular. Dd is autistic, possibly overlapping with adhd (tbc) and is an incredibly fussy eater. Ds has adhd, will eat most things, but can be loud and irritate dd, who is protective of her personal space. Family mealtimes have always been a point of immense pressure and frustration in our house, to the point where we simply gave up trying because it made me (as the only neurotypical trying to keep the peace) too stressed out. It was not an enjoyable experience, for anyone. The kids are both now older and dh has a better handle on his own neurodivergence, we all communicate much better. We can now enjoy one family meal per week together and it no longer feels like such a chore, with a few tweaks here and there. There is light for you!

As for technology at the table, nothing ever really worked with ds, except a tablet. He literally had to fiddle with everything incessantly otherwise, from knives and forks to sauce bottles and pepper mills. If you've been blessed with children who sit, and eat, and talk nicely, it's hard to understand what it's like to have a child who fidgets, and fiddles, and gets up and down, or talks loudly unless occupied by something that does engage them. Our rule became 'no technology while eating'. We'd exhausted sticker books, colouring pencils, fidget toys etc (worked quite well when ds was very little, but soon lost interest).

Given what you said earlier about stomping round the house, I'd let him leave. Just think how much more relaxed your house would be without him.....

You're enabling your extremely controlling hisband at the expense of your children.

If it's a mental health issue, I would make untreated mental illness a hill to die on. If it's not, he's wildly controlling and that would be a hill to die on too.

Eating together is a basic simple joy. Your children can't sit down at a table and share a very normal part of family life, enjoying a meal and some talk together. Your 6 year old already has can't do without screen time during dinner. That's awful. Your husband controls what they eat because he's got food aversions so he's limiting their diet, which is not healthy. You're both also setting them up for poor social behaviour around eating out with others.

Air purifiers do a great job of dealing with cooking odors and food smells. Open a window. Turn on your fan. He can leave the room while you're cooking. He's full of bullshit.

My kids still love my food and I freeze some for my oldest because there's some things she loves to take home and have mom's noodles and soups and stews along with some homemade bread.

@Rockininthefreeworld

Bet you didnt think you would have to deal with having to think about leaving him when you posted

My dad was a controlling prick as well and whilst Im in my 60's now, I still remember living in fear as a child . Kids do pick up on atmospheres. As a teen I was never home more then I needed to be, Id rather be at friends houses where there was fun and laughter and parents and children being able to chat to each other. Im ND myself and I struggle myself around foods, textures and smells and tbh they are getting worse as I age but I still cook the foods that the family like, even if some nights it means I dont eat the same meal as them but Id never not cook what they like because I dont like it

When the step kids were young and living with us, they were used to different foods, SD would only eat tinned marrow fat peas, I was near enough sick just opening the can, so we solved that one by her opening it and nuking them herself and Id sit as far away from her at the table as possible lol . And their go to snack food, something to eat they could get themselves - a pot noodle or super noodles would find me needing to do something upstairs with the bedroom door shut

Because they were my issues and I didnt want to make the children fussy around food , well any fussier then they were already

When my parents divorced life was a lot less stressful in a lot of ways. Because we weren't walking on eggshells constantly, there was never this huge oppressive atmosphere all the time

You have a lot of thinking to do, you dont have to decide on anything right now. But I think you really need to look at this marriage - honestly

DH being on his phone while you’re eating is a major problem. You need to ban phones at mealtimes because he’s supposed to be setting an example. If he has a screen then the kids will want one too.

This is an awful way for you and your children to live. I would crack on with cooking and eating whatever and wherever I wanted and either he can stop being such a baby about it or he can move out. There is a particular food I can’t bear the smell of which the rest of my family loves so on those days I just do my own thing, they have it alone then ventilate the kitchen afterwards and it’s no big deal at all.

How about cooking non fish non processed foods eg take chicken pieces dip into egg then roll in breadcrumbs before putting into the airfryer, serve with sweet potatoes you have cut into pieces and air fry. Or branch out beyond breaded products - try soft tortilla wraps, mince with taco seasoning, grated cheese, salad and sour cream, all in the middle and they build their own, kids love it

How awful for you. I think husband does sound unsupportive. Is there anywhere else he could work? Are their any meals that he does like that the children like as well? Could he at least compromise with eating together a few times a week?

OP, I think the question that needs asking here is why your DH married you, and why he had two children with you.

This is excellent advice and I don't have anything to add to it but just want to send a hug to you @Rockininthefreeworld as your disquiet radiates off the page.

Whilst of course your DH shouldn't be forced to live a life where he is unhappy, neither should you or your DC.

You poor thing OP. This sounds really tricky for you. No suggestions except I hope you’re putting yourself first right now xxx

Why does dh get to use a room solely that whole family could use and enjoy but not allowed

he can work upstairs in op office. Shut away. From smells and sounds

madness not being able to use a room for its intended use

No advice but know you're not alone, I'm in a very similar situation.

I (husband) do all the cooking in our house and would love for us all to sit down together and eat but I have a 5-year old daughter who needs to eat early evening and is fussy, a 15-year old daughter who dances 3 evenings a week (also very fussy) so can't eat until 9pm on those days, and a wife who works until 10.30pm/11pm a couple of nights a week so we don't eat until she gets back.

I feel your pain

You definitely have a dh problem. The longer you don’t do this the harder it will be. We’ve always eaten with the children (we both work too) because I think it’s really important for many reasons. Get a rug/plastic mat for the dining room. Let DH eat what you make or he does his own. New rule no tablet on an evening (or whatever times suit). Let the kids help choose meals and even make things at the weekends. 2 year old can help mash potatoes etc.

He owes it to you and the dcs to try to change and become more tolerant of normal every day life!

It's not like you're asking him for some crazy accommodations, he's the one expecting that of you.

There are lots of things he could do to get help, and he won't know if it will help until he tries.

Exposure therapy and EMDR therapy are two examples of modalities aimed to help build resilience and coping mechanisms in a safe way that helps expand the nervous system.

Think you need to put your foot down re the dining room part, feels like a big part! I assume you both own the house so I think you need to say it’s happening if he likes it or not. Agree with other commenters, feels like DH is to blame

Maybe start with a weekend night, a mix of foods and get DH to clear his stuff away because it's a home dining room above an office.

I think that ship has sailed if the DH is claiming that food smells will get ‘into the walls’ and will force him to leave. Frying any food will force him to leave. Food in the dining room will (you guessed it …) force him to leave.

I don’t think we’re dealing with regular logic here. The DH’s reality is hovering somewhere else.

You have a hankering for ‘family mealtime’ that doesn’t seem to align with other family members’ circumstances or desires. Why should it prevail?